Tell me it is okay to divorce an alcoholic
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yup. Selfish, Blaming, Fault-finding Thieves, Liars, and Pretenders.
A person who is committed to quitting does not go to AA and then go drink.
Quit wasting your money on him. If he wants to get sober, he will. WITHOUT your buying or paying for ANYTHING.
A person who is committed to quitting does not go to AA and then go drink.
Quit wasting your money on him. If he wants to get sober, he will. WITHOUT your buying or paying for ANYTHING.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
According to the paperwork, he has 30 days after the Judgment is signed to move out or I have to get the Sheriff to enforce it. I really don't want to go down that route because I don't want blood on my hands.
Just last week, he had DUI school. He took the train and then called me 10x saying he was stuck at the train station as he lost his wallet and had no money. He was there for 3 hours with a bike and didn't bother to bike home. When I picked him up, he smelled like beer. I asked him how if he had no money did he smell like beer AFTER dui school. He flipped out and said he had to bum money for beer because he was so upset he lost his wallet.
So, my point is, he is really bad in his disease. Last weekend all he did was sleep and drink, go to AA meeting, and drink. So if I am not there to prop him up, I am sure that it will all come crumbling down. Which means I am responsible for everything and I don't make enough to support the kids and I. Scary times for me.
Just last week, he had DUI school. He took the train and then called me 10x saying he was stuck at the train station as he lost his wallet and had no money. He was there for 3 hours with a bike and didn't bother to bike home. When I picked him up, he smelled like beer. I asked him how if he had no money did he smell like beer AFTER dui school. He flipped out and said he had to bum money for beer because he was so upset he lost his wallet.
So, my point is, he is really bad in his disease. Last weekend all he did was sleep and drink, go to AA meeting, and drink. So if I am not there to prop him up, I am sure that it will all come crumbling down. Which means I am responsible for everything and I don't make enough to support the kids and I. Scary times for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by pear123 
According to the paperwork, he has 30 days after the Judgment is signed to move out or I have to get the Sheriff to enforce it. I really don't want to go down that route because I don't want blood on my hands.
Originally Posted by pear123
He flipped out and said he had to bum money for beer because he was so upset he lost his wallet.
Originally Posted by pear123
Which means I am responsible for everything and I don't make enough to support the kids and I. Scary times for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
After the wallet scenario, he refused to go to work the next day because he lost his wallet. He really didn't go. His boss called him and he told him he lost his wallet and wasn't going to work. He has no d/l, no cc, and no ATM. I didn't get what was the big deal.
2 days later, he does the same stunt. He said he is not going to work unless I get him money for lunch. That if he doesn't have money when he wakes up he won't go to work.
So I know when he is out, he will likely quit. I hate typing that because I don't want to jinx it so to speak...but that is what I fear.
As for the kids and I, I will have to find a second job or get a roommate. I make $200 more than the mortgage.
That is what is so maddening...even doing the divorce and dividing up credit card, I will land with everything. He can't even make it to work, much less write me a check for his portion of the credit card. That is how far gone he is gone.
When we moved out last Sep he drank himself, barely ate. Just laid around drinking and calling people on the phone drunk. Then going to the neighbors. Monday rolled around and my dad had to come into our house and tell him to get to work.
So it isn't even like a normal divorce, where I can somewhat count on income.
2 days later, he does the same stunt. He said he is not going to work unless I get him money for lunch. That if he doesn't have money when he wakes up he won't go to work.
So I know when he is out, he will likely quit. I hate typing that because I don't want to jinx it so to speak...but that is what I fear.
As for the kids and I, I will have to find a second job or get a roommate. I make $200 more than the mortgage.
That is what is so maddening...even doing the divorce and dividing up credit card, I will land with everything. He can't even make it to work, much less write me a check for his portion of the credit card. That is how far gone he is gone.
When we moved out last Sep he drank himself, barely ate. Just laid around drinking and calling people on the phone drunk. Then going to the neighbors. Monday rolled around and my dad had to come into our house and tell him to get to work.
So it isn't even like a normal divorce, where I can somewhat count on income.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I had to make my ex ah leave too (actually I had to threaten to call the police and lie and say he hit me to get him out). I was with him for 20 years, married for 16 and we have one son. I don't regret divorcing him and throwing him out one bit, life is so much better now (mine and DS's is, his life is his problem now).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Pear,
Are you working any kind of recovery for yourself? Living with an alcoholic or an addict can make us as sick or sicker than they are. We need to work recovery too. We need to work the recovery we wish THEY would work. Then we are better able to move on and lead healthier, fulfilling lives.
Have you looked into Alanon meetings in your area? The support you get from women in situations similar to yours, and the strength hope you will find if you work the steps of recovery will be so beneficial for your future and the future of your children.
Are you working any kind of recovery for yourself? Living with an alcoholic or an addict can make us as sick or sicker than they are. We need to work recovery too. We need to work the recovery we wish THEY would work. Then we are better able to move on and lead healthier, fulfilling lives.
Have you looked into Alanon meetings in your area? The support you get from women in situations similar to yours, and the strength hope you will find if you work the steps of recovery will be so beneficial for your future and the future of your children.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I second Bolina. Showing your children how strong you can be. Giving the example of self love.
In your posts you already sound determined and moving forward with what you know to be right action. We're just supporting you.
This
really stood out to me this morning. Oh, I was absolutly more crazy and sick than my AH at my worst. Everyone pitied my poor AH, having to live with a nut job.
Not any more.
In your posts you already sound determined and moving forward with what you know to be right action. We're just supporting you.
This
Living with an alcoholic or an addict can make us as sick or sicker than theyare.
Not any more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Pear,
Are you working any kind of recovery for yourself? Living with an alcoholic or an addict can make us as sick or sicker than they are. We need to work recovery too. We need to work the recovery we wish THEY would work. Then we are better able to move on and lead healthier, fulfilling lives.
Have you looked into Alanon meetings in your area? The support you get from women in situations similar to yours, and the strength hope you will find if you work the steps of recovery will be so beneficial for your future and the future of your children.
Are you working any kind of recovery for yourself? Living with an alcoholic or an addict can make us as sick or sicker than they are. We need to work recovery too. We need to work the recovery we wish THEY would work. Then we are better able to move on and lead healthier, fulfilling lives.
Have you looked into Alanon meetings in your area? The support you get from women in situations similar to yours, and the strength hope you will find if you work the steps of recovery will be so beneficial for your future and the future of your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
I knew I needed to for legal reasons...because I didn't want to look my kids in their face one day and tell them that I wasn't smart enough and lost our house. But the emotional part was having a hard time. I think it took having him bum money at the train station for beer when he had no ride home and hearing from neighbors he was at the local liquor store drinking in the alley (after AA). Those seemed like "this is really bad" and reminded me that he isn't doing okay.
In 10 days he is elligible to drive. His license was suspended for 1 year and he is up to get it back in 10 days. Imagine if I hadn't filed?
Last night not much was said except he said that he isn't learning anything in dui school (He had it last night) and that it is a waste of time. Then reminded me that in 10 days he could drive. He wants to take one of our cars. I need to be one step ahead.
In 10 days he is elligible to drive. His license was suspended for 1 year and he is up to get it back in 10 days. Imagine if I hadn't filed?
Last night not much was said except he said that he isn't learning anything in dui school (He had it last night) and that it is a waste of time. Then reminded me that in 10 days he could drive. He wants to take one of our cars. I need to be one step ahead.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
If he takes one of your cars and is intoxicated, I'd call the police with the license number and a general idea of where he is (along with a mention of his 4 previous DUIs) so they can track him down and arrest him once again.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by pear123
He wants to take one of our cars. I need to be one step ahead.
Both names on the auto insurance?
Any credit cards joint? Checking or savings accounts?
Do you own or rent? Can you buy him out if you own and have equity?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
The cars are both in my name. He couldn't have cars in his name after his 2nd DUI.
Many months ago, he grabbed the keys from me and just took the car. He had no license but we still had insurance on any driver. Now he is excluded on my insurance policy. So if he drives any car that I owe, it is like the car isn't covered.
Memorial weekend, he drove the truck when I was gone. Didn't find out about it until I got home and noticed the items on the hood were moved. (I fold laundry on it-lol). If he had been pulled over the car would have been impounded. If he hit someone it would be like we had no insurance.
I have been trying to sell the truck for 2 months. 2 weeks ago, we had 2 interested buyers. But they didn't pan out.
He is going to flip if he can't drive the cars.
Many months ago, he grabbed the keys from me and just took the car. He had no license but we still had insurance on any driver. Now he is excluded on my insurance policy. So if he drives any car that I owe, it is like the car isn't covered.
Memorial weekend, he drove the truck when I was gone. Didn't find out about it until I got home and noticed the items on the hood were moved. (I fold laundry on it-lol). If he had been pulled over the car would have been impounded. If he hit someone it would be like we had no insurance.
I have been trying to sell the truck for 2 months. 2 weeks ago, we had 2 interested buyers. But they didn't pan out.
He is going to flip if he can't drive the cars.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by Jazzman
Are the cars joint assets? Title? Loans?
Both names on the auto insurance?
Any credit cards joint? Checking or savings accounts?
Do you own or rent? Can you buy him out if you own and have equity?
Both names on the auto insurance?
Any credit cards joint? Checking or savings accounts?
Do you own or rent? Can you buy him out if you own and have equity?
After filing for divorce in November, I got ins on the house and cars in my name. I put my paycheck in my own account and it goes to pay the mortgage...that way if something were to happen to him or his job, at least the house gets paid.
It is going to be WWIII here. He has a sense of entitlement and last night flipped out that he has to ask people for rides and that I don't know what it is like to ride a bike to the train station.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 66
I was hoping the truck would sell and I could give him $1,000 or $1,500 and since the paperwork is filed, I'm not on the hook. But legally the cars are mine, just don't know if the judge is going to approve that yet.
So, shouldn't I save that money because he won't be writing my checks for his half of the cc bills when he is gone....
Then there is the part of me of who cares, just give him the money so he can be out of my hair. But the other part of me who says who gives an alcoholic money to buy a car after 2 DUIs. But the other part says aren't I enabling by not giving him money so he can't get another DUI???
Will have to think about this a bit.
So, shouldn't I save that money because he won't be writing my checks for his half of the cc bills when he is gone....
Then there is the part of me of who cares, just give him the money so he can be out of my hair. But the other part of me who says who gives an alcoholic money to buy a car after 2 DUIs. But the other part says aren't I enabling by not giving him money so he can't get another DUI???
Will have to think about this a bit.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Wow you've done your homework. Not clear on how his name is on the CCs, but not accessible to him. Anyway possible to close them out for good?
If I had a truck worth 1K and he's not on my insurance, I might be tempted to sign over the title to him just to get him off my back, or use it as a bargaining chip for something else you want.
You might end up eating the joint CC debt or offer to assume the marital debt for full legal custody of the kids? Sounds like you hold all the cards in this one.
If I had a truck worth 1K and he's not on my insurance, I might be tempted to sign over the title to him just to get him off my back, or use it as a bargaining chip for something else you want.
You might end up eating the joint CC debt or offer to assume the marital debt for full legal custody of the kids? Sounds like you hold all the cards in this one.
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