pear123

I'm just finished our final paperwork for the divorce and am filing it tomorrow. I am so incredibly sad and I keep trying to find reasons why I shouldn't divorce him, but I don't come up with much.

Background: married for 18 years. We have 2 kids: 6 year old and 2 year old. About 2 1/2 years ago, things started getting bad. Since then, he's had 2 DUIs, a totaled car, no driver's license, lost his job due to drinking (hired back), lies to me all the time, went to rehab and drank 1 week later and still is.

The day after he got fired for being drunk at work, that was my bottom. I filed for divorce the next day. He refused to leave and I refused to leave. So the divorce just plugged along. He never answered. Mainly, I thought I had 6 months to see if he would change.

Well, we're at the 6 month mark and nothing has changed. He is still drinking. About 12-18/day.

I keep thinking of what Al Anon says about it being a disease and it makes me feel sorry for him. When I see him just wandering around the house, I feel bad that here I am getting a divorce. Ugh.

*Oh, and the reason I had to file was because when I kicked him out for his 2nd DUI, his mother was going to have him sign over deeds to her so I wouldn't get anything.

Jadmack25

Honey, you are filing for divorce so you need not live with results of alcoholism, and sad to say your husband is the conduit for this problem.
Hopefully it means you divorce his mother as well, whether she acted as she did from anger at you hurting her precious boy, or is afraid she will be stuck with him, I don't know.

He has done enough damage with his drinking in the past few years, and it is wise for you and your small, innocent kids to be out of the way as it progresses, as it surely will do.

Feel that you are protecting yourself and those children, and their future by removing a very toxic person from being constantly around them, and let the guilt fall where it belongs, and that is not on you.

I have you in my prayers.

God bless

pear123

Thankfully I will never see his mom again.

I am sad because somewhere down there I do still love him. But the legal part of me knows that it is no longer safe to be married to him. The mom part of me doesn't want my kids to grow up to be alcoholics. And I know I already messed up by marrying one and having kids with one so they might have the gene...but I can at least control their enviornment.

But then, there is the other part of me that thinks maybe if I could just hold on a little longer. Maybe he will stop. Maybe he will hit bottom. He is a shell of a man. He lives for beer.

mrphillipctrs1

I just departed with my A, and it has only been a week, she ran off with the detox nurse and Recovering A himself. Anywho, in the past I would have been devasted for a long time, and done some totally stooooooooooopid things, but now, the faith in God has kept me steady.

Today while focusing on me and reading a book, I had the TV on to the SIRUS channel. I wasn't really paying any attention to it, just had it on for background noise. Something made me turn my head to the TV and the song "Love will Find a Way" by Pablo Cruise as playing. I closed my eyes and thanked God for sending me the gift.

It is almost like when you step away, your eyes open up. It is hard but it is WORTH it! Plus you have babies, think how happy they will be in an environment that doesn't have him in it.

Here is a link to it, if anybody else would like to listen.
YouTube - Pablo Cruise - Love Will Find A Way

TakingCharge999

pear123, it is okay to divorce and alcoholic. Your children need someone stable in their lives.

I got no children or married an alcoholic but went out with one for a short while, less than a year, and still I was able to see the destruction and horrible nature of this problem. No one deserves to witness it at any stage. You and the children deserve joy.

If it helps, even when my dad was not an alcoholic, my parents divorced when I was 3 and my sister 5. Now we are 28 and 30, we have forgiven our parents for being who they are.

I'm glad they didn't stay together fighting and unhappy. It hurt everyone of course, but it was not the end of the world, and having Mom with us and seeing her happy was all I ever needed to know life is worth it regardless of hardships.



This man has had too many chances and has not taken any one of them.

I support your decision 100%

Bolina

Oh pear, it's so difficult, isn't it? I will say, though, that of course it is OK to divorce someone who is having many repercussions on your life and those of your kids. People divorce for MUCH less, you know!

This is such a very important point. Many folk go into marriage for all the fluffy stuff, but at heart it is a legal construction. If you entered another legal contract (like a house tenancy or a car lease deal, say) and there was a legal way of getting out of it when it was causing you distress, then you would be a fool not to do so, right?

I know that marriage is different because of the emotion that goes along with it, but divorce does not mean that you have to stop loving. And it doesn't mean that you can enter another legal contract (i.e. re-marry) down the line if and when the conditions that caused the ending of the first one have changed.


Your kids may still grow up to be alcoholics. Or they won't. We still don't know enough about the condition to say what will trigger it. My hunch, though, is that creating a stable environment, ensuring that they know you loved them enough to take them out of an unstable one and being the grown up that is their soft place to fall in their formative years will stand them in excellent stead.

Maybe this will be his bottom? Maybe by staying you would prevent it being so?

pear123

I wish he had moved out. He refused to move out. Told me that the kids and I could move, but he wasn't moving until he got his 1/2 of the house. He had been drinking, but he drinks everyday.

In Sept it was so bad that the kids and I left. He was drinking 24+ and didn't come home. We left and he then went around the neighborhood asking for beer and money to buy beer and a ride. He just drank and slept.

Last weekend while the kids and I were gone, he got in the truck and drove it to get beer. A neighbor told me. When I asked him he lied and said no.

He goes to AA meetings and then comes home w/ 2 beers in hidden in his jacket. He talks to his sponsor while drinking a beer. So going to AA and rehab didn't help him.

I just don't see what else could happen that would wake him up, but I am physically sick now from staying with him.

It is a lonely marriage. He honestly has no clue what goes on in our lives. He only cares about beer. He has no clue what school my dd is going to next year. What we did for the day. He just waits for us to leave so he can sneak his beer.

Starburst

Hi sorry to hear about your troubles, sometimes, when we have tried everything, but there is nothing left to give and AH is not even trying to get better, you just have to cut ties. Your kids need a stable environment and a mom that can give them everything they need. To stay iYn ao bad relationship on ''I am hoping he will change'' just makes it more painful, when it doesn't! Your AH has to come to terms with his problem on his own. No matter how much we want to fix them we can't, so the choice is either we live and except them or we move on. I am glad you are protecting yourself and your family. Hugs and blessings.

Taking5

Sorry you are going through all this. Even most churches, who are about as anti-divorce as you can get, recognize alcoholism and drug abuse as valid reasons for divorce. So of course it is OK.

Did you buy the house together, or how did you get it? If this was acquired after you were married, any good divorce lawyer will punch a hole through this so big you could drive a truck through it. Don't sign over anything.

transformyself

Dear Pear, I hope you're feeling better.
I know the pain you're in. We all do.
I know you're looking for validation and that you're already thinking quite rationally. Asking if it's ok to divorce an alcoholic, to me, is like asking if it's ok to shoot a charging lion. Sure you can NOT shoot. And be devoured alive.

You know these things, you seem straight up together in so many ways. And your husbands addiction seems to have come on very quickly, but that's the insanity of this disease. It's insane. It's fatal. Sometimes it takes 60 years, sometimes it takes 6.

I remember reaching a point with my AH where I felt literally like he was drowning and I was being pulled under with him.

I do have some encouragement for you though. You can master detachment. Emotional detachment that will allow you to live a happy life. Lots of folks here are proponents of and practice "no contact" or physical detachment along with the emotional detachment.That was necessary for me to get some perspective. See how freaking insane the whole situation was.

I am very glad you're here. Glad you're posting and asking for help. And I"m glad you're filing for divorce. I hope you read through some of the sticky thingies at the top of the page. They helped me, still do help me, very much. So do the fine folks here.

Hope you're getting enough sleep and exercise. That saved me too.

Transform

Learn2Live

Pear, it is SO okay to divorce an alcoholic that it is advisable.

My gosh! That is ridiculous! AND it is going to get WORSE. My Dad was at this level too, but some 20 years ago shifted into full gear at around the age of 50, to a CASE a day. He goes in three drinking cycles per day:

Get up, Drink/Get Drunk, Pass Out
Get up, Drink/Get Drunk, Pass Out
Get up, Drink/Get Drunk, Pass Out

THAT is his ENTIRE life. Every eight hours. He rarely showers or brushes his teeth. He eats whatever is made available to him. He has no friends, he spends time with no one but the television, not even his grandchildren. He goes nowhere but to buy beer and cigarettes. He does NOTHING. Add to that, his drunkenness and his often nastiness. And we consider him a GOOD alcoholic!!!! Is that the kind of husband you want? NO THANKS.

It is SO okay to divorce this guy, because he is going to get worse and YOU are going to be STUCK wiping his diarrhea a$$ and washing his diarrhea sheets etc etc and YOU WERE NOT PLACED ON THIS PLANET TO TAKE CARE OF A MAN LIKE HE IS AN INFANT. And THAT is exactly where he is headed.

I repeat: IT IS NOT YOUR JOB. This man has a SERIOUS problem and YOU are not responsible. Let Go and Let God.

THAT is GUILT. STOP IT. Guilt is toxic. You must teach yourself EVERY time you feel so much as an inkling of GUILT you must re-learn, you must STOMP IT OUT. Because guilt will keep you feeling bad and returning to being alcoholism's HOSTAGE. Refusal to feel guilt, refusal to take the blame, refusal to take the responsibility, sets you free!!! And free is good.

Jazzman

There's no law that says you can't consider reconciliation in the event that down the road he gets and stays sober. But keep in mind, hope is not a plan.

The most important thing for you to do right now is provide your kids a healthy environment. You can ponder the "what ifs" later.

nodaybut2day

It is not only OK to divorce an alcoholic who refuses to recovery, but it is a very smart decision for your and your children's sake.

Just from reading your post, I get a sense of utter and complete selfishness from this "man"...wants his half of the house, refuses to move, lies constantly, completely ignores what's going on around him...

Get out. Save yourself and your children from this madness.

PieRat

I was going to post, but this post here pretty much sums up what I was going to say, so quoting for good measure.

praiseHim

I agree with what other people posted. I think it is normal to grieve your marriage and be sad. It is really hard. Sometimes when things are difficult we wonder if it is okay or wrong to do something. Get into a divorce support group or something to help you through these emotions. I think that you have very good reasons to divorce and that it is ok for you to let go of your marriage.

DMC

I'm divorcing my AH.

Took me a LONG time to get to that point, but now I wonder what the hell took me so long. (Well, actually, I know why, but that's beside the point.) We've been separated for 8+ months, and it has been the best 8 months in years. I thought AlAnon would help me reach serenity... but ultimately, getting out of the chaos that is active alcoholism is what it took.

My STBXAH was like yours - would go to AA and end up at a bar, cases of beer hidden around, didn't shower, didn't shave, didn't contribute one lick. It was only dumb luck that he didn't get a DWI or kill someone.

Be strong, and do what you need to do for you.

Kittyboo

IMHO, It's ok...more than ok, to divorce ANYONE who isn't an equal partner in your relationship.
Alcoholic or no alcoholic, we should share our lives with people who bring us joy, not misery.

Hoping many wonderful things are headed your way!

pear123

Selfish is his middle name. He blames everyone but himself.

He stole jewelry from my parents 1 year ago. I found it hidden and returned it and he says it was my fault that I don't give him money.

I keep thinking I need to remember to look at actions. He hasn't worked the steps. He goes to AA, but like I said comes home plastered. So technically I don't think he is really doing AA.

He can't drive so he goes nowhere during the weekend. He sits around the house and watches t.v. and claims to be cleaning up. But really, what he is doing is sneaking beer and has hidden in the kitchen behind cereal boxes and pans. Then about 5:30 he gets showed and goes to a meeting...to come back 2 hours later...drinking.

Rehab was over a year ago and I might have well lit that $8,500 up on fire because I don't see one change.

Hammerhead

2 Corinthians 6

14 Be you not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion has light with darkness?

This helped me tremendously.

stella27

pear123,
thank you for writing. every time I see a post like this, it validates my decision to GET OUT!

Like someone said above, as a mother, my #1 responsibility is to provide a healthy environment for my children and to remove them from a situation that is dangerous to their development.

I came to see my situation as an either/or. I could either continue supporting him (in every sense of the word) or I could rescue myself, because I could not do both. And once it came down to him or me (me + children), I had to devote my resources to ME. If I went down, who would care for the children? And there can be no question that I was going down.

I am worlds better now - almost a year after separation. Good luck to you. And there are court orders that will kick HIM out of your house. Talk to your attorney.

I am here to tell you that it does get so, so, so much better.