He sent me a letter; said his therapist wants to talk to me
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I may have mised the point where the therapist explained why he wanted to meet with you? what he and your ex would get out of that. Let's be clear, his purpose here would not be to benefit you, he can't know what this conversation would do for you as he hasn't been working with you.
so this is for your ex, a man that you nearly lost yourself in a relationship with. Whom for your sanity you have had to go no contact from, and who you have not recovered from yet.
look at your recent threads.
we have to approach things differently when it comes to "helping" others. Especially those with whom we have had damaging relationships. We have to understand that uniquely, WE CAN'T HELP them. Otehrs may be able to, but not us. We have to get honest with ourselves. When we wish to help someone else, is it more about us than them? here, for example you would be inserted into his therapy, getting the therapist to understand "your side".....?
we have to learn to be selfish by recognising and owning and finding healthy direct ways to get our needs met. we could do with taking judgements of good/bad people, OUT of our decision making process. we are good, there are no bad people, just bad acts.
If you want therapy, get your own therapy. If you want to be involved in his life somehow, or to "fix" him, recognise and own that impulse and examine the slippery slope it has led to before. By all means do it if you want to, but get honest about your motives, and if you are even slightly resentful, I wouldn't bother.
so this is for your ex, a man that you nearly lost yourself in a relationship with. Whom for your sanity you have had to go no contact from, and who you have not recovered from yet.
look at your recent threads.
we have to approach things differently when it comes to "helping" others. Especially those with whom we have had damaging relationships. We have to understand that uniquely, WE CAN'T HELP them. Otehrs may be able to, but not us. We have to get honest with ourselves. When we wish to help someone else, is it more about us than them? here, for example you would be inserted into his therapy, getting the therapist to understand "your side".....?
we have to learn to be selfish by recognising and owning and finding healthy direct ways to get our needs met. we could do with taking judgements of good/bad people, OUT of our decision making process. we are good, there are no bad people, just bad acts.
If you want therapy, get your own therapy. If you want to be involved in his life somehow, or to "fix" him, recognise and own that impulse and examine the slippery slope it has led to before. By all means do it if you want to, but get honest about your motives, and if you are even slightly resentful, I wouldn't bother.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
This is a tough one. But this is the line that jumped out at me:
"I started feeling like something wasn't right"
Every time I've ever had that feeling and have ignored it or second guessed myself, I've paid a pretty steep price for not listening to my gut. Nobody can tell you what to do here - there may be some pros to talking to a therapist. Right after my relationship ended I would have jumped at the chance - now I would see it as an additional three hours out of my life that I could spend doing something else that was for me, instead.
Hasn't he been reaching out with letters and FB invites recently? I also took a look at some of your older posts to refresh my memory and this is about the time you were worried he'd lose his financial aid and be asking to stay with you.
Seems like there are lots of potential sandtraps - do the pros outweigh the sandtraps?
SL
"I started feeling like something wasn't right"
Every time I've ever had that feeling and have ignored it or second guessed myself, I've paid a pretty steep price for not listening to my gut. Nobody can tell you what to do here - there may be some pros to talking to a therapist. Right after my relationship ended I would have jumped at the chance - now I would see it as an additional three hours out of my life that I could spend doing something else that was for me, instead.
Hasn't he been reaching out with letters and FB invites recently? I also took a look at some of your older posts to refresh my memory and this is about the time you were worried he'd lose his financial aid and be asking to stay with you.
Seems like there are lots of potential sandtraps - do the pros outweigh the sandtraps?
SL
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by KeepPedaling 
Therapists must know what's healthy, right? Or are they like lawyers and only care about their client and not the people they mow down to help the client?
I'd just go with your gut: it feels wrong...so don't go. The phone conversation sounds like an ok compromise...
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
My initial reaction is that something isn't right, at all. Maybe the therapist wants to talk to you in the context of being a couple, which really doesn't apply to your situation.
And, if I thought about my therapist, I would really wonder why she would want to talk to anyone I am not in a relationship with.
I would even have doubts about my therapist talking to people I have a relationship with: it challenges so many things: my security, my integrity, etc.
The basis of any good therapist/client relationship is honesty. If your exbf is being honest about himself, why does the therapist need to talk to someone else? Your exbf should be providing all the information the therapist needs.
And, if I thought about my therapist, I would really wonder why she would want to talk to anyone I am not in a relationship with.
I would even have doubts about my therapist talking to people I have a relationship with: it challenges so many things: my security, my integrity, etc.
The basis of any good therapist/client relationship is honesty. If your exbf is being honest about himself, why does the therapist need to talk to someone else? Your exbf should be providing all the information the therapist needs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by stilllearning
This is a tough one. But this is the line that jumped out at me:
"I started feeling like something wasn't right"
Every time I've ever had that feeling and have ignored it or second guessed myself, I've paid a pretty steep price for not listening to my gut. Nobody can tell you what to do here - there may be some pros to talking to a therapist. Right after my relationship ended I would have jumped at the chance - now I would see it as an additional three hours out of my life that I could spend doing something else that was for me, instead.
Hasn't he been reaching out with letters and FB invites recently? I also took a look at some of your older posts to refresh my memory and this is about the time you were worried he'd lose his financial aid and be asking to stay with you.
Seems like there are lots of potential sandtraps - do the pros outweigh the sandtraps?
SL
"I started feeling like something wasn't right"
Every time I've ever had that feeling and have ignored it or second guessed myself, I've paid a pretty steep price for not listening to my gut. Nobody can tell you what to do here - there may be some pros to talking to a therapist. Right after my relationship ended I would have jumped at the chance - now I would see it as an additional three hours out of my life that I could spend doing something else that was for me, instead.
Hasn't he been reaching out with letters and FB invites recently? I also took a look at some of your older posts to refresh my memory and this is about the time you were worried he'd lose his financial aid and be asking to stay with you.
Seems like there are lots of potential sandtraps - do the pros outweigh the sandtraps?
SL
Do you think the therapist would try to get me to take care of him?
I'm still weighing the sandtraps...
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
I would say trust your gut...if it doesn't feel right to you, it probably isn't. My exp. with my own therapist is that he gives the impression of having my best interests at heart; that said, we discuss MY interests, my issues, and I make the calls, including whether or not I want to involve other people outside of my therapy (I don't)....perhaps the ex is using this as a way to get back in with you? Just my opinion...trust your gut.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
XABF.
There's a reason for that 'X', correct?
Up until this point, you were doing pretty well, yes?
Now look at what's going on.
Where were the sandtraps before you were contacted? Were you examining any potential motives of his before this last contact?
They can throw the fishing line out there in many different forms. It's your choice to take the bait, or to walk away.
There's a reason for that 'X', correct?
Up until this point, you were doing pretty well, yes?
Now look at what's going on.
When I got his letter I though, "Ooooh ya, it's June...his money has run out...his lease is up....how interesting that he's contacting me now."
Do you think the therapist would try to get me to take care of him?
I'm still weighing the sandtraps...
Do you think the therapist would try to get me to take care of him?
I'm still weighing the sandtraps...
They can throw the fishing line out there in many different forms. It's your choice to take the bait, or to walk away.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I agree with Anvil! I am finding it very difficult to understand why a therapist would reach out to anyone else aside from the client.
I have seen a therapist and I am studying to be a therapist, and never once did my therapist ask to speak to anyone besides myself. IMO, another's point of view of the client in question is absolutely irrelevant.
KP- you can wonder what the motivation is, question it, analyze it to no end. I think most of us have tried to deduct why our A's do the things they do, or what secret motivation could possibly be the cause of such actions.... but really it doesn't matter. No one here, nor yourself can understand 100% why the other person is doing the things they are doing because you are not that person. You're trying to figure it out to relieve yourself of some responsiblity you feel. You don't have any responsibility to this guy.
Do you want to be free of this mind twisting drama or not? Really the answer of speaking to the therapist is pretty easy when it comes down to that. It's just up to you.
Hugs.
I have seen a therapist and I am studying to be a therapist, and never once did my therapist ask to speak to anyone besides myself. IMO, another's point of view of the client in question is absolutely irrelevant.
KP- you can wonder what the motivation is, question it, analyze it to no end. I think most of us have tried to deduct why our A's do the things they do, or what secret motivation could possibly be the cause of such actions.... but really it doesn't matter. No one here, nor yourself can understand 100% why the other person is doing the things they are doing because you are not that person. You're trying to figure it out to relieve yourself of some responsiblity you feel. You don't have any responsibility to this guy.
Do you want to be free of this mind twisting drama or not? Really the answer of speaking to the therapist is pretty easy when it comes down to that. It's just up to you.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Crazy making for sure!
I would even say that the therapist calling you is unprofessional and that the therapist is being manipulated by the patient.
3 hours of your time?! Loss of wages?! Gas?! That's really inappropriate in my book. It's okay to say no. That does not make you a bad person. But feeling guilty about it *could* mean you are a people pleasing co-de.
Remember this:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
If he wants to get well, he'll get well. Period.
I would even say that the therapist calling you is unprofessional and that the therapist is being manipulated by the patient.
3 hours of your time?! Loss of wages?! Gas?! That's really inappropriate in my book. It's okay to say no. That does not make you a bad person. But feeling guilty about it *could* mean you are a people pleasing co-de.
Remember this:
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
If he wants to get well, he'll get well. Period.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by anvilhead
personally i find it highly UNPROFESSIONAL for this therapist to do anything but work with his client one on one. to suggest reaching out to you, the EX g/f to aid in the EX b/f's therapeutic process is just flat bogus. IMHO.
nope, he needs to own his own recovery, do it for himself, by himself.
nope, he needs to own his own recovery, do it for himself, by himself.
Does the therapist want you to come in because she suspects he's not giving her the whole story? If he's lying in therapy then he might as well not bother with it at all, he's clearly not ready to get better if that's the case.
So, why is he even in therapy? Is it because he truly wants to get better or is it for some other reason? My ex used therapy as a way to get people off his back, because then he could have a ready excuse for why he wasn't going to meetings. He would say that the meetings just weren't for him but he was working through things with his therapist. He even thanked me because I was the one who suggested he go to therapy (yep, totally codie of me and he fed right into it). My point is he later admitted that he would mostly just go to therapy and say some random things about how his week went and then just sit there in silence for the rest of the time. He wasn't actually doing any work on himself.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
the ex is a bad person
the therapist got his or her diploma in a cheap flea market
you KP are great and got lots of qualities...
no contact.
life is great when one goes no contact. WHATEVER IT TAKES!
if you think you may benefit on talking to a therapist, talk to a different one, that knows what professional secrecy is !!
the therapist got his or her diploma in a cheap flea market
you KP are great and got lots of qualities...
no contact.
life is great when one goes no contact. WHATEVER IT TAKES!
if you think you may benefit on talking to a therapist, talk to a different one, that knows what professional secrecy is !!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Keeppedaling,
I'm trying to understand the situation so please forgive me if I have it wrong.
OK, you are the one who got this therapist for your now ex, is that right? Were you actually the one to call this therapist and set up an appointment for your now ex?
Based on a letter you got from your ex where he said this therapist wants to talk to you, is that why you actually called this therapist and set up an appointment?
Years ago after I filed for divorce from my ex-husband, he suddenly decided to seek therapy. After a few weeks he came home and announced to me that the therapist wanted to see us both. Even thought I was more then half way out the door of this marriage and planned to keep going out that door something in me said ok, when. I wasn't really sure why I agreed maybe a part of me wanted someone else to validate his craziness, I really can't tell you why I agreed but boy was I glad I did. The next day he called me and said the therapist wanted to see us that night at 6:30. I met him there and sat in the waiting room. The therapist came out to call him into the office and that is when my ex said, O my wife is here too. The therapist was surprised and invited us both in her office. After we sat down is when my ex did his nuttiness by demanding that the therapist tell me not to leave him and when she explained she could not do that is when he stormed out leaving us both confused. We chatted for a few minutes, she explained she did not ask me to come to his therapy session, obviously it was all part of his attempt to control me.
She actually called the house the next day hoping I would answer because she was so upset by the situation and how uncomfortable it was for the both of us. She apologized and explained that is not how she operates and didn't think she'd be seeing my ex again. And as it turned out he never went back, didn't see the purpose any longer.
So I'd be very leary of his motives, us codies tend to grasp at those kinds of acts of what we pres-eve as love and dedication. Kind of like telling ourselves that they must love us a lot if they are willing to seek therapy and change................they change alright, they change tactics to draw us back in with there new facade, usually a temporary one and one that often goes right back to the original.
For if it were all real and there were no motives, they'd just do it and do it for themselves. They wouldn't have to be announcing anything in such a short period of time.
I'm trying to understand the situation so please forgive me if I have it wrong.
OK, you are the one who got this therapist for your now ex, is that right? Were you actually the one to call this therapist and set up an appointment for your now ex?
Based on a letter you got from your ex where he said this therapist wants to talk to you, is that why you actually called this therapist and set up an appointment?
Years ago after I filed for divorce from my ex-husband, he suddenly decided to seek therapy. After a few weeks he came home and announced to me that the therapist wanted to see us both. Even thought I was more then half way out the door of this marriage and planned to keep going out that door something in me said ok, when. I wasn't really sure why I agreed maybe a part of me wanted someone else to validate his craziness, I really can't tell you why I agreed but boy was I glad I did. The next day he called me and said the therapist wanted to see us that night at 6:30. I met him there and sat in the waiting room. The therapist came out to call him into the office and that is when my ex said, O my wife is here too. The therapist was surprised and invited us both in her office. After we sat down is when my ex did his nuttiness by demanding that the therapist tell me not to leave him and when she explained she could not do that is when he stormed out leaving us both confused. We chatted for a few minutes, she explained she did not ask me to come to his therapy session, obviously it was all part of his attempt to control me.
She actually called the house the next day hoping I would answer because she was so upset by the situation and how uncomfortable it was for the both of us. She apologized and explained that is not how she operates and didn't think she'd be seeing my ex again. And as it turned out he never went back, didn't see the purpose any longer.
So I'd be very leary of his motives, us codies tend to grasp at those kinds of acts of what we pres-eve as love and dedication. Kind of like telling ourselves that they must love us a lot if they are willing to seek therapy and change................they change alright, they change tactics to draw us back in with there new facade, usually a temporary one and one that often goes right back to the original.
For if it were all real and there were no motives, they'd just do it and do it for themselves. They wouldn't have to be announcing anything in such a short period of time.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
What I'm going to say will not be popular here probably, but I think even though the smartest thing is not to go, if you feel you want to you should do it. I don't think you can force your recovery. What I'm trying to say is only you can know what feels right for you. And sometimes we need to take some steps back to keep moving forward.
Personaly if I was dwelling on it as you are I'd do it, either go there in person or speak on the phone to the terapist, as the fact I'm dwelling on it would indicate I still didn't let go. So I'd do it only to test my recovery and learn something from it.
I kind of figure that early recovery is about running away, removing yourself from every aspect of the situation, but at some point the running away thing has to stop, and we should be able to face that situation and have a clear stand on it. Once you have a clear stand and you're trully free there is no dwelling about anything. Personally I don't like running away from anything, I feel strong enough to face whatever comes my way. But that's me, and only you can know what is right for you.
Maybe my perspective is clouded by the fact my AH is in hospital, not too likely to survive. When I look back at our life together and his alcoholism, and things I did and didn't do, and many of it were not smart, but I did them as they felt right for me at the time, and I can tell you in all honesty I'm not sorry for any of it, as all that hardship has helped me to be were I am today. All my steps back have helped me to keep moving forward and I learned from it, so today as hard as this situation is I can handle it. I came to believe the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to be true to ourselves, which includes making all our mistakes too.
Again I'm not saying do it, but I'm saying do what your heart is telling you to do.
That's just my opinion.
Personaly if I was dwelling on it as you are I'd do it, either go there in person or speak on the phone to the terapist, as the fact I'm dwelling on it would indicate I still didn't let go. So I'd do it only to test my recovery and learn something from it.
I kind of figure that early recovery is about running away, removing yourself from every aspect of the situation, but at some point the running away thing has to stop, and we should be able to face that situation and have a clear stand on it. Once you have a clear stand and you're trully free there is no dwelling about anything. Personally I don't like running away from anything, I feel strong enough to face whatever comes my way. But that's me, and only you can know what is right for you.
Maybe my perspective is clouded by the fact my AH is in hospital, not too likely to survive. When I look back at our life together and his alcoholism, and things I did and didn't do, and many of it were not smart, but I did them as they felt right for me at the time, and I can tell you in all honesty I'm not sorry for any of it, as all that hardship has helped me to be were I am today. All my steps back have helped me to keep moving forward and I learned from it, so today as hard as this situation is I can handle it. I came to believe the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to be true to ourselves, which includes making all our mistakes too.
Again I'm not saying do it, but I'm saying do what your heart is telling you to do.
That's just my opinion.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hi KP,
"When I got his letter I though, "Ooooh ya, it's June...his money has run out...his lease is up....how interesting that he's contacting me now."
Do you think the therapist would try to get me to take care of him?"
The timing is pretty interesting, that's for sure. Look, only you can decide what's the right thing to do. Just be sure that it's the right thing -for you- to do. I will say this though - I keep seeing photos of that giant sinkhole in Guatemala - did it make the news where you are? I'm going to see if I can do a Jadmack and attach it in a minute.
Anyway - I read an article recently where people who lived near the sink hole had moved out - skedaddled - one family has left their house and belongings and were living in a rental already. Because it just doesn't make any sense to be perched on the perimiter of a sinkhole. I'm committed to total no contact with my ex because I know that, for me, there is no "safe distance" - he's my sink hole. I was a long way down that hole by the time we were done and I, personally, don't have the skills yet to not get sucked back down.
You guys weren't together all that long - and the relationship is over. It sounds like you have a good take on his problems and that he's got a long road ahead of him. I don't think that many of "us" wake up in great shape one morning and just move on - I think it's a process that starts with doing some painful detaching and learning not to focus on analysing their motivations or behavior. Someone is now being paid to analyse his motivations and behavior and wants to involve you in the process. Whose idea was this? Surely a family member or someone else who had been around longer would have a better long-term perspective, right? I'm reading the getting them sober books right now (such an eye opener) and it points out that a lot of therapists don't know enough about alcoholism - especially how it affects partners and spouses.
Do what you feel you need to - just remember to take care of you.
Hugs,
SL
"When I got his letter I though, "Ooooh ya, it's June...his money has run out...his lease is up....how interesting that he's contacting me now."
Do you think the therapist would try to get me to take care of him?"
The timing is pretty interesting, that's for sure. Look, only you can decide what's the right thing to do. Just be sure that it's the right thing -for you- to do. I will say this though - I keep seeing photos of that giant sinkhole in Guatemala - did it make the news where you are? I'm going to see if I can do a Jadmack and attach it in a minute.
Anyway - I read an article recently where people who lived near the sink hole had moved out - skedaddled - one family has left their house and belongings and were living in a rental already. Because it just doesn't make any sense to be perched on the perimiter of a sinkhole. I'm committed to total no contact with my ex because I know that, for me, there is no "safe distance" - he's my sink hole. I was a long way down that hole by the time we were done and I, personally, don't have the skills yet to not get sucked back down.
You guys weren't together all that long - and the relationship is over. It sounds like you have a good take on his problems and that he's got a long road ahead of him. I don't think that many of "us" wake up in great shape one morning and just move on - I think it's a process that starts with doing some painful detaching and learning not to focus on analysing their motivations or behavior. Someone is now being paid to analyse his motivations and behavior and wants to involve you in the process. Whose idea was this? Surely a family member or someone else who had been around longer would have a better long-term perspective, right? I'm reading the getting them sober books right now (such an eye opener) and it points out that a lot of therapists don't know enough about alcoholism - especially how it affects partners and spouses.
Do what you feel you need to - just remember to take care of you.
Hugs,
SL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker
oh my gosh, kp, i just realized that this was XABF's idea, wasn't it?
hmmm.
you're feeling some angst. you're wondering.
you're getting sucked in.
i think you now know your answer.
hmmm.
you're feeling some angst. you're wondering.
you're getting sucked in.
i think you now know your answer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
UPDATE:
I decided not to drive down there but to talk to the therapist on the phone. He was awesome. What he wanted to know was whether or not there was a "relationship" now, and a little bit about our history.
I told him about my codie issues and why I had to walk away. I told him that I finally understood that my "helping" him was really hurting him. The therapist agreed and told me that I was doing exactly the right thing, that I should continue to help myself, that my xabf needed to pedal his bike up his own hill, and that he recommends that I shouldn't have any contact with xabf for at least a year. He also told xabf that if he needed to contact me, he should only send me a letter (not call, not email, not show up at my house), so that I could think about it safely and decide if I wanted to contact him.
I feel SO VALIDATED, RELIEVED AND SET FREE. I feel so happy that this good therapist is working with xabf. I feel happy knowing he's in really caring and good hands and has a chance. And I'm so happy for me and the peace I feel now with my decisions. I know I shouldn't need any other validation other than my own judgement, but it feels good just the same.
Thanks everyone for the great advice and support. AND for all the concern.
I decided not to drive down there but to talk to the therapist on the phone. He was awesome. What he wanted to know was whether or not there was a "relationship" now, and a little bit about our history.
I told him about my codie issues and why I had to walk away. I told him that I finally understood that my "helping" him was really hurting him. The therapist agreed and told me that I was doing exactly the right thing, that I should continue to help myself, that my xabf needed to pedal his bike up his own hill, and that he recommends that I shouldn't have any contact with xabf for at least a year. He also told xabf that if he needed to contact me, he should only send me a letter (not call, not email, not show up at my house), so that I could think about it safely and decide if I wanted to contact him.
I feel SO VALIDATED, RELIEVED AND SET FREE. I feel so happy that this good therapist is working with xabf. I feel happy knowing he's in really caring and good hands and has a chance. And I'm so happy for me and the peace I feel now with my decisions. I know I shouldn't need any other validation other than my own judgement, but it feels good just the same.
Thanks everyone for the great advice and support. AND for all the concern.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by sesh
I kind of figure that early recovery is about running away, removing yourself from every aspect of the situation, but at some point the running away thing has to stop, and we should be able to face that situation and have a clear stand on it. Once you have a clear stand and you're trully free there is no dwelling about anything. Personally I don't like running away from anything, I feel strong enough to face whatever comes my way.
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