FarawayFromCars

Feeling a bit stressed / irked tonight. Tomorrow I'm supposed to meet up with the family + AS for dinner (a special occasion). My husband does not want to go (because of AS and her probs). I feel like I have to go because it's a special occasion, but I feel resentful and irked that husband won't go with me to support me. He is free to feel how he feels, I know...it just makes me a bit sad. I've told him as much--I wish he would reconsider and go to support me, at least--his reply is that he feels that the family and AS are trying to rope me back in to their drama and he is done being involved with it. I've thought about that; I feel that I do have boundaries with the situation--if she is drinking, I leave, for example--but I just feel...let down by husband. I need his support right now; I don't feel like I'm getting it for this situation.

And then there's that part of me that feels like I don't want to go tomorrow, special occasion or not...I don't know if I want to. I don't know if I'm ready. I have tons of stuff to get done for work tomorrow, too. Feeling confused. Any advice?

FarawayFromCars

We talked it out; made some decisions. Feeling a bit more resolved now. I'm going to put my work and new job first, and H says he will provide support when I need it. Tired and off to bed now.

ninja7

Hi, FFC!

Does your AS drink much even dine out for special occasion? I am recovering alcoholic. I did not drink much at special occasion when I was active drinker. I am sort of snake drinker.

TakingCharge999

Good work! taking decisions that protect you, identifying needs and talking about them/negotiating. I also am of the idea that work comes first especially a new job.

You are doing great !

FarawayFromCars

Ninja,

She has in past (read post about mother's day, under my previous name, Trying2Fly). So I'm apprehensive. But what I have to do is set boundaries and be prepared to enact them, which is what I'm working on...
had a civil conv. with my mom this AM, in which I expressed my needs (have to stay in and prep for new job tomorrow), without apologizing, etc., and made a compromise--will see them on Father's day in a couple of weeks. mom acted sad, but was civil to me.
Anvil, I agree with you...it's difficult--part of this I have to do on my own. That was part of our talk last night; I want to tackle this one primarily on my own so I can grow from it / become a stronger and better person, but I'd like to have him to fall back on for support when I'm feeling helpless. He expressed that he will always be there for me when I need him, I just have to ask.
Feeling good today.

1234

Farawayfromcars,

I understand your wanting your husband's support, but I also feel like he deserves to make his own choice to limit his contact. He might have different boundaries than you, right? I know the different members of my family have all made different decisions about contact. But I REALLY feel for you, as I've wanted my loved ones physically with me to support me, too. I hope you're able to work something out that feel safe for you.

1234

FarawayFromCars

Thanks, 1234. Those are my feelings, too...he and I have come to the agreement that this (AS and her drinking) is affecting our relationship, and thus we both need to step back (which we are doing)...sometimes I catch myself venting to him about all this (i.e. after an incident or conversation with the parents, sister, etc.). It makes me feel bad because he's told me that he does not like to see me in emotional pain, but he's also tired of hearing about AS and her problems, and he's tired of watching me put up with their emotional blackmail / toxic behavior. SO--that's stopping with me.
I came to the realization a few weeks ago that I can just stop being involved with this! I'm working on it, one day at a time, and I think....the less I allow myself to become involved, the less of a "trickle down" effect it will have--i.e. I'm putting myself and my relationship with H first.
I feel good about how I handled this one; my first reaction was to think of it as "I have no choice, I have to go to this outing, why can't H support my decision..." But the more I thought of it, I realized, "but I DO have a choice here." And I can make that choice and not feel guilty and still remain harmonious in my r'ship with H. Sometimes I forget that I have choices, but it's becoming easier to remember that the more I practice it.

wicked

Ya know FFC,
I used to feel this same way. "I have to go..."
Now, I remember whenever I feel I have to do anything, there is usually at least one other option.

FarawayFromCars

Thanks, wicked...it was a total "light bulb" moment for me.

BTW, is your name in reference to the novel turned musical?

wicked

yes,it a reference to the musical.
and, i got the idea from watching caesar milans show.
lol
he had the star of the show who had an ill behaved dog.
and i thought,
hmmm.....
how cool is that?
hehehehe