KeepPedaling

Ok, I don't remember how long I've been NC now. It's been awhile. I posted when I got that last lame letter where he said he was "doing better" and was careful not to mention anything about drinking.

So a new letter came in the mail today. It said his therapist thought he could help xabf "more" if I called him (therapist). Xabf also said that he's been seeing therapist "pretty regular". The last thing I did before going NC was to find this therapist for xabf. The therapist does some pro bono work. I like to think I was being more of an advocate for a sick person, but it was probably just a codie thing to do.

I called the therapist, who sounds like a very nice man. I understand how compelling it is to want to help xabf. He has that way about him, and I know you know what I mean.

So the therapist wants me to meet with him (therapist only). Should I go? Is that a codie thing to do or a "good person" thing to do? Will it hurt me if I go? How will I feel if I go? So many questions....

I thought this part of the letter was interesting, "I believe it might help us both".

tjp613

My first reaction is HELL NO, stay no contact and work on yourself. Keep moving forward with your life. This reeks of some kind of manipulation.

The therapist may just want to hear your version of the stories. Often family/friends can shed more light on the case than the client is able to do alone. I know I've been asked by my AS's therapists to do that. HOWEVER, that was my son ... and you are not married to this man, he is not related to you and you are actively trying to extract him from your life.

My vote is NO.

Hammerhead

I'm thinking NC is a pretty clear signal how you "feel"... about things... honestly if WE can't help THEM get clean and sober... how in the heck are WE going to help THEM figure things out.... via therapist... or anything else.

My two cents.

KeepPedaling

Really? I was feeling like a really bad person even THINKING about not going. I thought perhaps it would help me because I could be really clear with the therapist that yes, I care about xabf, but I have moved on. I like the idea that something I say could help someone. I'm just trying to gauge whether or not it will hurt me.

See, I'm feeling all cocky and strong and "moved on" at the moment. I feel like I could go in there, say some stuff that might help, and shut the door behind me. But I've felt strong before and crumbled. Tough call...

KeepPedaling

Therapists must know what's healthy, right? Or are they like lawyers and only care about their client and not the people they mow down to help the client?

Hammerhead

**CODIE ALERT**

You're feeling like a REALLY BAD PERSON if.... hmmmm
You think telling HIS therapist how YOU feel will help HIM....hmmmmm
You think reengaging in his life "MAY not hurt YOU".... hmmmm

If you're feeling moved on... then act "moved on"... It's only a tough call if MAYBE you haven't really moved on.

My other two cents.
Take care.

tjp613

So you are willing to risk your own well-being in order to 'help' someone else. Hmmm. Isn't that in Chapter 1, Page 1 of Co-dependent No More??

KeepPedaling

I laughed out loud at this one. Ha! Ha! Thanks Hammer!

KeepPedaling

I guess I wonder sometimes if we take the "codie" stamp at little too far, stamp! stamp! stamp! stamp! until everything we do is codie. It's hard for me to know sometimes when I can do something that might help someone else. Almost like, if I want to do something nice, IT'S BAD! If I want to help someone IT'S A SICKNESS!!!

You know what I mean? I don't want to be one of those people who turns my back on everyone and only helps myself. I guess that's why it's a tough call for me sometimes.

KeepPedaling

I like the "hmmmmm's"

Jadmack25

And there is the chance that your ex may use this as his get out card.
I mean if you tell the therapist your take on what happened in the relationship, ex may deny it all anyway and accuse you of "damaging" his recovery etc.

Of course if you DON"T go, he may also blame you for not caring and wrecking his recovery.

Up to you to weigh up the pros and cons of seeing therapist or not.

Good luck, whichever way you go.

God bless

Beantowngirl

I think there are times in life that you absolutely have to turn your back on everyone else to be able to help yourself. And dealing with the aftermath of having an addict/alcoholic in your life is definitely one of those times, in my opinion. You are allowed to be selfish sometimes.

Besides, who is to say that you wouldn't be helping him more by NOT going? It would probably force him to have a conversation with his therapist about why you didn't do it, and that just might allow him to shed some light on the situation and have some revelations on his own, instead of you dropping the answer in his lap all wrapped-up-pretty-with-a-bow-on-top.

Hammerhead

I agree wholeheartedly...a thousand times over AND I think I'll write this down for myself too...

tjp613

Yeah, this is where my head is at these days so sorry, KP, I didn't mean to project my stuff onto you. k? I hear what you're saying:

On the other hand, you do seem to have doubts about whether this might hurt you.... so why take the risk? That's my point.

KeepPedaling

I'm thinking still. I REEEALLY appreciate the input and the reality check. When I spoke with the therapist, I made an appointment when he asked. It was like a reflex or something. But then I started feeling like something wasn't right so I posted here.

Something I should mention: I've been working overtime at work lately and will be for some weeks to come (50+ hours). I really need the money, so I'm not complaining. But to go to this appointment would mean at least 3 hours out of my day (he lives in another town). That is the part that is bugging me the most. THAT'S where I feel the codie thing. I'm exhausted but I'm considering doing that for him? Ugh!

So now that's totally out (thanks!). I'm not going to do that. Now I'm just debating about whether or not to have a phone conversation with the therapist. That might not be so unhealthy for me. I feel pretty ok about that.

KeepPedaling

Perfectly sums up how it is to know an alcoholic. Thanks!

KeepPedaling

Oh no apologies! I really appreciate the feedback. It helps so much. Thank you.

KeepPedaling

That's true, and if this were happening when we first broke up, i would completely be feeling that way, all hunkered down and taking care of me. But the break up, or rather the detachment process has happened over the course of about 6 months now I think, so I feel pretty good. I don't think about him all day anymore at all. When I say I will never be with him again, I really feel that to be true now. I really don't want to be in that life again. I won't be in that life again. I'm happy again. And when I'm happy, I feel strong, and when I feel strong, I feel like I can help.

Of course, there was that time that I quit smoking and I was feeling really strong. Strong enough to where I thought I could smoke just one. So I started smoking again for another year and had to suffer through the quitting process again.

ElegantlyWasted

Therapists are acutely aware of manipulation, and there is only so much they can ethically/ legally do as far as calling patients out on it. Plus they get paid to just sit and listen. I think if you go in with the right mindset you could get alot out of it. You could also get alot out of it by simply saying no. Your call... To me it seems the issue boils down to how do you get something constructive out of it. Depends on how you approach it? IMHO.

coffeedrinker

Well, I think either way is okie dokie.

I appreciate what you said about carrying the "codie" stuff too far, and into everything. We ARE people, after all, and people DO help other people.

But, we probably don't help others with whom we have a painful history with, if we have exited the relationship and know that it's in the past. We just stop. It's history.

I was gonna suggest a phone conversation in lieu of a f2f one, but you've already mentioned that.

If it were me, I would probably feel like some benefit for myself could be received by this. Maybe it borders on unhealthy, but I derive benefit from the validation that a professional like this could give me, even though he's not your therapist, I still feel that it might be so. Or maybe, a little more closure on the whole thing? This would be my approach with such a conversation.

I like what someone here (Anvil?) says, who reminds us that enabling is doing something for another that they can or should be doing for themself. So that doesn't fit here, which means it's not enabling. But then there's that need to help thing.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, Keep. You're good with either decision.