dollydo

Jenny,

Everyone here is in your corner, we want the best for you.

Many of us had crappy childhoods, me included, both my parents were alcoholics, my mom still is at age 84, it has been one mess after another.

However, you can choose to move beyond that turmoil, learn a new way to live, learn a new behavior and break the cycle.

A man does not make you whole, you do, your self imagine comes from the inside out, you don't need a man to make you feel special, only you can fill the void inside, there is no man on earth that can do that for you.

If I have a man fine, if I don't that's fine too, makes no real difference to me. I still function just fine, I still like me, I am not lonely and at peace.

Think this through, continue going to the therapist, keep posting.

Chino

If you haven't asked your therapist how to stop, you might want to give it some consideration. You can spend however long it takes in analysis to figure out the why's, but you'll still still have to learn how.

The longer you do this, the more you reinforce your negative perception of self.

Jenny1232

I actually just got back into therapy, so I had my first session last week. It was hard to cover a lot of ground, but I layed a lot of it out.

I'm beginning to question whether there is a cure to my dependence on men. I'm willing to do whatever necessary. I did tell him goodbye, and I am going to block his phone number. I don't know how long I will last, but with the encouragement of everyone here, I'm taking those steps.

He IS the master manipulator. I've actually been telling myself that I'd be happier alone, than I am with him now. It's becoming more destructive, but almost in a passive manner this time. I often ask myself... "am I addicted to the drama" and I almost want to admit to myself I am.. I'm not certain, because it drains the life out of me.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can say that for sure. I have to choose to leave the man I love, because he causes me too much pain. I have to recognize his lies, and see him for who he is. I'm in a constant state of denial, so this won't be easy. I don't know what I'd of done without your input. Thank you.

I'm just sooo sooo sad. As we've all been...

Angelic17

Jenny, Your hurting with this guy, and real true love doesn't hurt. Someone who really loves you wants you to be happy honey. It's not your fault, because your young and learning. Be good to yourself, and others will be good to you. You can do better. Even if you think you love him, and he loves you, when time goes by, you will realize different.

Go out and have some fun, take a hot bath, and do your nails.
Study your school work, have a barbecue.
There are so many better things you can do besides heartache over this guy.

He's not giving it a second thought. He's downing a beer with the boys, looking at pretty girls walk by.

Live your life, and have fun. Keep busy.

I'm routing for you.:ghug3

Soph

He is toxic. TOXIC. Write it down, keep it in your pocket.

And learn and say the Serenity Prayer over and over: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

You cannot change him or his problems. You can change how you respond.

You are in a codepedent relationship and it is great you are in therapy. You need to take care of yourself the way you keep wishing HE would take care of himself. You want to do something intelligent? Walk the walk - be the change you want to see in him. I don't mean join AA - I mean admit you have a problem and take steps to fix it.

To do that you have to admit that you need help - have a disease - you are addicted to this relationship and All The Drama. You both are. If you love yourself or want to get better, then treat yourself better by getting help and dumping the toxic waste. Toxic waste is not just him - toxic waste is you + him + your expectations + his drinking + the useless yammering you guys go through again and again...going nowhere.

I wish there were rehab facilities for people coming off toxic relationships. Group therapy, exercise, sleep, 12 step discussions! I had to white knuckle it and it is HARD but that life you are living right now is harder. Weaning off those texts, those obsessive thoughts...augh.

My best hopes and wishes for your recovery Jenny!

Soph

Jenny1232

Thank You

I feel so weak. I like how you say, walk the walk. I thought I was trying to work on myself, but you make a valid point, and sway my perception to see more of my faults. I needed that, so thank you.

I was just asking myself, if I'm capable of loving someone. I believe I do, but I am just addicted to them. Someone mentioned the common denominator being me, and thats what I've been telling myself lately. It kind of brings my spirits down, because a change seems virtually impossible. I know I contribute to the toxicity... I get attached IMMEDIATELY after meeting someone... I don't know how to approach a relationship like normal people do.

dollydo

Jen,

Anvil said it, many of us came to this forum because we got tangled up with the wrong one, and, needed help and support to walk our way out of the mess we got ourselves into.

For me, I always had a bad picker when it came to men, if you were a man with a problem, I was there to save you. Did it ever work? Nope, not even close.

I wasted too many of my years with Mr. Wrong(s)...I am finally over that....

The crazy part of it all was that I was very successful in my career, very confident and wouldn't take crap from anyone, my personal life? It was a disaster. Could never figure that one out, seemed so out of balance, finally had to accept that I needed help in my personal life, therapy helped me, got me back on the right track.

You are reaching out for help, this is good, keep moving forward and be patient, it will happen.

Angelic17

Jenny, I was a bad picker of men too. For many years I went after one loser after the other. I had a baby with a loser, and he hurt me and my son very much. He still hurts my son, cause he's his father and a poor role model. I think he is one of the reasons my son medicates. He never paid attention to his own son. He was always too busy.

I finally met my husband when my son was 2 years old. I got so lucky and so will you. My husband was so good and honest, I almost didn't know how to deal with it. I was so used to drama and fighting, and being abused. I have been with my husband for 27 years now. He knows everything about me, good and bad, and loves me for who I am.
Well almost everything, I hid my addiction to pain pills from him. And cleaned up without him ever knowing. I felt bad about it, but that's long over now.

There's alot of hope, cause when you know better,you do better.
It seems to me, That you now know better
Fix yourself up pretty, and go out with one of your girlfriends
And you never know if you will meet the right person.
It usually happens when your not looking.
You have alot to offer, and you are worth more than you think you are.
Believe me.

Jenny1232

You know, another realization that I came to today, when questioning whether I can truly love... I don't know IF I really do love him. I feel so incredibly bad for him. I feel like his life is rather pathetic, and I know he has a very caring heart... and I just wanted to help him. He's been walked out on a lot in his life.. and I wanted to be one to stay, and show him how much he meant to me.

I stayed, because I felt pity for him.

I can see what you're saying Anvilhead.. and that thought crossed my mind too. I'm actually VERY fearful of opening up, and letting anyone in anymore. It's too scary. I'm too wounded. It's not even an interest. I am gaining the tools, and I know the "appropriate" way to date and fall in love, so let's hope I can apply the skills I learn.

Angelic,

It sounds so amazing to have such a wonderful husband. It's great to know that it exists! Thank you for the inspiration!

All,

Your feedback is greatly appreciated!

dollydo

Yes, the last dive bomber I was with, I too felt sorry for, and, I was going to make all the wrongs he suffered in his life right....well, come to find out he created most of the wrongs and that I could not make right!

The pity party ended and I dumped him!

Soph

You said << I feel so incredibly bad for him. I feel like his life is rather pathetic, and I know he has a very caring heart... and I just wanted to help him. He's been walked out on a lot in his life.. and I wanted to be one to stay, and show him how much he meant to me.>>

I totally did that too and now when I look back on it, it was like a tornado knocked at my door (an Australian, 6'4" tornado with a cute accent) and I opened it and welcomed it into my home and my heart..thinking that I would calm the tornado down and it would transform into the man I hoped I loved. What happened though, is that I see now that his tornado actually sucked me in, also my son, and we went whirling and swirling around in this tornado for 2 years!

Finally I pushed it out the door, surveyed the emotional debris... and after going to Al Anon and a few CoDa meetings I realized that I am this person who, unbeknownst to my OWN SELF! - has this baffling sick need to try to tame a tornado...and instead I end up bruised, battered and hurt (emotionally.)

So now I am grateful that I know this about myself and can see what happened in that metaphor. He is still out there whirling around - but me, I am in recovery and my heart is perking up again after many many months.

Hope this helped a little. You are going to be fine Jenny. You are!

Hugs
Soph

Angelic17

That's a great way of putting it Soph. Awesome. That really puts it in perspective. Tornadoes are difficult to survive. I am glad you finally pushed it out the door.

Jenny1232

Soph, I love what you just said. I commend you! That was very insightful, motivational and inspirational.

I now see that I cannot save him.. and I am ONLY hurting me.

coffeedrinker

I have said that EXACT thing many times. I wanted to be the one. I thought I had the power to change the paradigm, to made him realize he really is worthwhile, worth loving.

My daughter told me once that the way she sees it, that he is someone that I try and help, and that maybe I feel sorry for him. Well, I do, but the times we have had...the good ones....nothing compares to.

Still.....not enough.

Jenny, you have had a breakthrough. WOW.

I am so proud of you

sherby

Jenny I kind of left a similar situation. Mine never called me names and He got drunk at home not bars, However he was very controlling of me, and he would say very cruel things to me. I finally realized that I could not control his drinking and once I realized that the arguing stopped for me, of course it did not for him, he still wanted to argue, but I always went to another room until he passed out. Finally one day on my birthday of all days he got drunk, talked very cruel to me and wanted to take me out on my birthday after he had drunk all day and talked cruel to me? No that wasn't going to happen thats the day I ended it and left, it was like something snapped in me. It has been a struggle for me because I still love him, but I finally stopped looking at him and our relationship through rose colored glasses. I saw him for what he really was. He never admitted to having a problem and they won't until they truly want to change and for some sadly that is never. Do I miss him Yes, Do I love Him Yes But I can love him from a distance and have peace and sanity in my life. He could be very sweet and loving but then turn around and be so mentally cruel that finally the sadness over-ruled the happiness. Several things I learned One you can never argue with a alcoholic the booze always wins. Two alcoholics are self centered people. Three They always make excuses to make u feel guilty. Walk Away and Stay Away and never look back, Look forward because there is so much healthier and better men out there. And I also found out that happiness has to come from within our own-selves not another person. I hope I shed some light on this and I'm here well were all here if you need us. Your not stupid, Hes The Idiot and the looser in all this. But If u move on and get out of this you will come out on top and be the winner. Hugs and I hope I helped.

love123

Im in the same position as you kind of. My bf is a recovering addict hes been clean for 3 months now. But he does all the mind games to make me feel guilty too. I do nothing wrong and he just flips and tries to turn everything around on me. When he does this he believes what he says and really thinks its me starting all of the trouble. I love him so much and this is why i cant bring myself to leave him. And im sure you feel this way too. I know its not right to let him treat me like this just like you know its not right for your bf to treat you that way. I dont know why we tend to stay with them, i really dont.???

Jenny1232

Coffeedrinker, It really touches me that you said I've had a breakthrough! I'm not sure how, why or where you gather that from, but it encourages me even more.

I went hiking today, and it was the most peaceful thing in the world. I felt SO incredibly centered. I cannot describe it. I feel so excited, yet so fearful of what lies ahead.

I truly think I would enjoy being single. I'm just terrified... I hope I can remain optimistic and I do not run back to him. He told me he missed me, and asked me if I'd go to dinner last night. I politely said no thanks. He said things will get better, he missed me so much, I can't be replaced and blah blah blah. For once.. I didn't feel sad. I just told him I'd made up my mind... I feel very good, and a lot stronger. I'm sure when the lonely week roles around, I will be feeling different.

One day at a time...

Babyblue

If a girlfriend talked to you, you wouldn't put with it for a second. Why do women put up with it in relationships? It baffles me.
You deserve so much better

Summerpeach

Replace the word MEN in your post with alcohol and realize, you also have an addiction.
This is not about him, this is all about you. You will continue to pick men like this because each of these relationships work out your child hood trauma.
You need this drama as much as your BF needs his booze.

Not sure if you've ever been to Al Anon, but you really would benefit from it.
What I learned in those meetings was it's selfish and horrible of us to not allow the addict to find their own bottom, because just maybe if we let them hit it on their own, that was the hit they needed to find recovery.
Maybe his drinking while have this medical condition will cause some serious wake up call, maybe this is what he needs, and it would be terrible for anyone to stop that.

Your obsession with him is only a diversion and denial to your own addiction.

Now I'm going to suggest something crazy, why leave him? Why be so dramatic and block him, and not call him and then he will come see you, then you will be back with him, then you will have these immature txt's back and forth etc. and make yourself sicker.
This is making you ill and yet you go back for more like he goes back to drinking even though he know his brain can explode.

Stay with him, because the emotion rollercoaster of going back and forth is keeping your sickness alive and well. Leave when you know you will leave for good.
If you do not have the strength to leave him when you're away from him, get to al anon and learn the stength to leave him while you're still there.

coffeedrinker

Summerpeach,
I think I understand what you're saying, but I have to disagree. I think that each step Jenny takes toward freedom, is one step closer to freedom. I KNOW I could be wrong, and some people do the together/apart dance for their entire lives. But she is really seeking the Truth, trying to help herself break free from this.

Many, if not most, addicts stop using MANY times before they actually stop for good. They are sick of the life, yet the draw is there, back and forth, back and forth. Then, one day, something inside of them clicks, and they do a little something a little different and it sticks. They never want to be back where they were again, and never do they forget that. I think it is similar with a lot of us.

I would encourage you, Jenny, to keep getting yourself where you want to be, no matter how slow it may seem to you or others. The self talk, the kicks in the a$$ you get on here, all help accomplish that.

And I said "breakthrough" because there was something in your "tone" that seemed different; I could sense that you saw the light in a different way this time.

Peace, kiddo.