Is this abuse?
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
There are so many responses here that remind me of what my "relationship" was like.
Jenny, I was treated much of the same way. And I looking back, I wish I had just taken my power back and stopped engaging, stopped answering calls, stopped everything. You are in that position, the choice is yours.
I will say that you keep asking if "it classifies as abuse"? Hun, if you have to ask, then there is clearly something wrong with the way you feel you are being treated.
If the answer is yes, what does that change for you? Does it make up your mind? When someone is truly treating us with love and respect, we KNOW it. We don't ask if anything about it could be abuse.
Jenny, I was treated much of the same way. And I looking back, I wish I had just taken my power back and stopped engaging, stopped answering calls, stopped everything. You are in that position, the choice is yours.
I will say that you keep asking if "it classifies as abuse"? Hun, if you have to ask, then there is clearly something wrong with the way you feel you are being treated.
If the answer is yes, what does that change for you? Does it make up your mind? When someone is truly treating us with love and respect, we KNOW it. We don't ask if anything about it could be abuse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
Jenny, sweetie, I get it. You got a big scare, you rushed to his side and re-evaluated what REALLY losing him would mean.
I wish I could think of something encouraging to say, but I do encourage you to seriously take a break from him....the plan you had right before the hospital came up.
I wish I could think of something encouraging to say, but I do encourage you to seriously take a break from him....the plan you had right before the hospital came up.
I rushed to his side while he was there. The ONLY other person who visited him was his mother. His sister, she didn't even call to see how he was. It was me.. and his mother. I FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT. I feel used. I feel, convenient.
He was lonely and missing me, and I was there by his side. I'm no longer needed, so he discarded me. He was actually pumped full of pain pills, so he was good. He had the nerve to text me one night and say, "I know you don't like to hear this, but I am Fed up". I told him I didn't want to hear that, but dropped it. He had an IV of contiuous dilauded, and various other pain pills. He just laughed at how high he was, and acted like it was nothing.. he completely disregarded that I LEFT HIM FOR PILL ABUSE... He said, "what, I told them to keep me off of narcotics".
I feel like an IDIOT.
You're right. I do push his buttons. I just wanted to make my statement clear, then I dropped it. I'm seriously re-evaluating this, yet again. I just don't think I can take much more of this. He's going to die soon, anyway.
You were very encouraging coffeedrinker, thank you... As always!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Jenny,
You are a sweet lady, and deserve so much more from a man. This guy is not ever going to make you happy. Sober or not, he will never become the man you are trying to mold him into. It's just not there.
Sometimes, it helps to reread your previous posts. Start at the beginning, ask yourself, what has changed for the better? I read them and I saw nothing.
Life is a song worth singing....Sing it!
You are a sweet lady, and deserve so much more from a man. This guy is not ever going to make you happy. Sober or not, he will never become the man you are trying to mold him into. It's just not there.
Sometimes, it helps to reread your previous posts. Start at the beginning, ask yourself, what has changed for the better? I read them and I saw nothing.
Life is a song worth singing....Sing it!
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: atlantic canada
Posts: 42
Hi there
I am going through the same thing. My boyfriend has been drinking hard for almost a year since he landed in the hospital with an infection that ended up going all through him because he had no defenses to stop it....he is an alcoholic. The doctor told me that he would not only have to survive an infection but would have to withdraw from alcohol as well. He is in complete denial that alcohol had any role in his almost 3 month stay in hospital.
He remained sober for 8 months. He could never stand not being the center of attention throughout his recovery He decided that AA was beneath him. He really was a sober drunk throughout the 8 months. When my son was to be married he could not handle being second so he started to drink and he was as self centered as anyone had eve been in my life. I was shocked really and excused it away. I also excused away the promise I had made to myself that if he ever started drinking again I was done.
How many Al anon meetings later and I am still worried about him? Tonight I decided to worry about me. Tonight I realized that I was no doubt getting in the way of a really important lesson that God or My Higher Power was trying to teach me and who am I to screw around with that.
I am learning that everything happens for a reason.....sometimes it is to each me and sometimes it is to teach others....I am okay now with what is NOT what I Want it to be.
I will my life to my Higher Power and sometimes that means to let go and let it be....it wll lead you back to your power over you own life.
in Love
Maggie
I am going through the same thing. My boyfriend has been drinking hard for almost a year since he landed in the hospital with an infection that ended up going all through him because he had no defenses to stop it....he is an alcoholic. The doctor told me that he would not only have to survive an infection but would have to withdraw from alcohol as well. He is in complete denial that alcohol had any role in his almost 3 month stay in hospital.
He remained sober for 8 months. He could never stand not being the center of attention throughout his recovery He decided that AA was beneath him. He really was a sober drunk throughout the 8 months. When my son was to be married he could not handle being second so he started to drink and he was as self centered as anyone had eve been in my life. I was shocked really and excused it away. I also excused away the promise I had made to myself that if he ever started drinking again I was done.
How many Al anon meetings later and I am still worried about him? Tonight I decided to worry about me. Tonight I realized that I was no doubt getting in the way of a really important lesson that God or My Higher Power was trying to teach me and who am I to screw around with that.
I am learning that everything happens for a reason.....sometimes it is to each me and sometimes it is to teach others....I am okay now with what is NOT what I Want it to be.
I will my life to my Higher Power and sometimes that means to let go and let it be....it wll lead you back to your power over you own life.
in Love
Maggie
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Here's how it worked for me. I felt bad about myself. So bad that I figured he was the best I could ever hope to have in a relationship. Then, the relationship made me feel worse about myself. So, I clung more tightly to it because I didn't think anyone decent would ever want to be with me. And on and on it goes.
It was a wise counselor with experience in addiction and codependence that helped me start to climb out of that hole.
So, please stop calling yourself and idiot. You are not an idiot, you just need someone to show you the tools you need to get out of the hole. But, the first step is to STOP DIGGING.
Can you find an alanon meeting or a counselor to help you?
L
It was a wise counselor with experience in addiction and codependence that helped me start to climb out of that hole.
So, please stop calling yourself and idiot. You are not an idiot, you just need someone to show you the tools you need to get out of the hole. But, the first step is to STOP DIGGING.
Can you find an alanon meeting or a counselor to help you?
L
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Well, This is an odd situation.
I lost my father to a brain aneurysm. They can do really strange things to people. That's about all I can add. My father in the months leading up to the aneurysm was acting, really, really strange, and that included strange drunkeness and memory loss.
I lost my father to a brain aneurysm. They can do really strange things to people. That's about all I can add. My father in the months leading up to the aneurysm was acting, really, really strange, and that included strange drunkeness and memory loss.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Here's how it worked for me. I felt bad about myself. So bad that I figured he was the best I could ever hope to have in a relationship. Then, the relationship made me feel worse about myself. So, I clung more tightly to it because I didn't think anyone decent would ever want to be with me. And on and on it goes.
It was a wise counselor with experience in addiction and codependence that helped me start to climb out of that hole.
So, please stop calling yourself and idiot. You are not an idiot, you just need someone to show you the tools you need to get out of the hole. But, the first step is to STOP DIGGING.
Can you find an alanon meeting or a counselor to help you?
L
It was a wise counselor with experience in addiction and codependence that helped me start to climb out of that hole.
So, please stop calling yourself and idiot. You are not an idiot, you just need someone to show you the tools you need to get out of the hole. But, the first step is to STOP DIGGING.
Can you find an alanon meeting or a counselor to help you?
L
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Jenny it seems like you're willing to hang in there until this man says, out loud, "yup, I'm an alcoholic." Active alcoholics just don't do that. You seem to want to have him validate all the gut instincts you have that he's an abusive drunk. Alcoholics don't do that either.
Step back, if you can - forget about you, the relationship and the dinner for a minute. This man has a brain aneurysm - a potentially fatal brain condition. Here's the facts about aneurysms:
-- A moderate to high level of alcohol use is considered a risk factor for the rupture of a brain aneurysm.
-- Binge drinking appears to dramatically increase the risk of subarachnoid hemorrhage from a ruptured aneurysm.
There is no way that this wasn't expressed to him by his doctor. Despite that, he is out there playing Russian roulette - WITH HIS OWN BRAIN!!!!
That is the insanity of this disease. And that is the regard that he has for his OWN wellbeing. So how come it's a surprise that he shows little regard for you, too.
This is who he is - you wrote that he's still in denial. So are you. This is who he is. He will never tell you that you are right, he will never put you first, he will never give a damn about your needs. If there were a great reason to reassess your life and have the fear of God put into you - a brain aneurysm has to be up there. Instead he's out there doing one of the things that could cause the thing to rupture and kill him.
This is not a man who is about to pick recovery, or you. The question is why in Sam Hell do you want him and what more do you need -for you- to get out of denial about the fact that he is an alcoholic and nothing is going to change.
This is sent with love, and I hate to be so blunt but I'm still agog that he's out there pickling his aneurysm brain. Short of a skywriter or a parade with floats and dancing bears, you're not going to get a better indicator of the insanity of alcoholism - what else do you need for -you- to step off?
SL.
Step back, if you can - forget about you, the relationship and the dinner for a minute. This man has a brain aneurysm - a potentially fatal brain condition. Here's the facts about aneurysms:
-- A moderate to high level of alcohol use is considered a risk factor for the rupture of a brain aneurysm.
-- Binge drinking appears to dramatically increase the risk of subarachnoid hemorrhage from a ruptured aneurysm.
There is no way that this wasn't expressed to him by his doctor. Despite that, he is out there playing Russian roulette - WITH HIS OWN BRAIN!!!!
That is the insanity of this disease. And that is the regard that he has for his OWN wellbeing. So how come it's a surprise that he shows little regard for you, too.
This is who he is - you wrote that he's still in denial. So are you. This is who he is. He will never tell you that you are right, he will never put you first, he will never give a damn about your needs. If there were a great reason to reassess your life and have the fear of God put into you - a brain aneurysm has to be up there. Instead he's out there doing one of the things that could cause the thing to rupture and kill him.
This is not a man who is about to pick recovery, or you. The question is why in Sam Hell do you want him and what more do you need -for you- to get out of denial about the fact that he is an alcoholic and nothing is going to change.
This is sent with love, and I hate to be so blunt but I'm still agog that he's out there pickling his aneurysm brain. Short of a skywriter or a parade with floats and dancing bears, you're not going to get a better indicator of the insanity of alcoholism - what else do you need for -you- to step off?
SL.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Thank you so much SL...
I ended up going out last night, and I saw him at the bar. He'd claimed I ruined his night, he was going to bed, and had to work. Nope, he was wasted. He went out, binge drinking.
I sent him a farewell message this morning, basically saying that he's shutting out the one person who rushed to his side, and pushing me away to see the ones who didn't give a **** about him being in the hospital. He chose to set me aside, and go get drunk with friends. He proceeded to tell me I have no right to tell him how to handle his scare (true). I told him, in my childish ways, that he's going to die alone, and I'm not going to sit by and watch anymore.
He called me, screaming, yelling, crying, saying he was truly scared, and what's wrong with going out to drink? He then proceeded to say, "Lick your A$$, You CUntt". Immediately, he called back and said he didn't mean it. I told him I just didn't like him anymore. He kept telling me I was jealous of him.. that no one would ever want to be with me, and I need serious help. He was yelling, and had this insane tone to his voice. It was psychotic, and freaky.
He said I was acting like a child, and I need to cut it out. I told him I was finished, and I wasn't going to watch him die. (I hope, for once, I can mean it). He was in absolute denial that he has a drinking problem, and felt completely justified, because he had a life scare. I admit... after he called me the C word.. I told him to get real with himself, and that he is a loser. I'm not proud, but in all honesty, it's true. He has NOTHING going for him.
He kept saying how he wanted to see his friends - and I told him fine, you can see them ALL you want. I wasn't going to be around anymore. He just got mad when he saw he wasn't swaying my feelings on this. He kept telling me to agree with him, and I should be apologizing.
How can he be in so much denial? He blows me off nearly every weekend, to get drunk. I'm so upset. I'm so hurt, sad and confused. I just hope.. this time i mean it.
He told me no one will ever tolerate me. No one would ever make me happy, because they don't know what's really wrong with me.
It makes me believe those lies. He told me I was a child, and ********...
I ended up going out last night, and I saw him at the bar. He'd claimed I ruined his night, he was going to bed, and had to work. Nope, he was wasted. He went out, binge drinking.
I sent him a farewell message this morning, basically saying that he's shutting out the one person who rushed to his side, and pushing me away to see the ones who didn't give a **** about him being in the hospital. He chose to set me aside, and go get drunk with friends. He proceeded to tell me I have no right to tell him how to handle his scare (true). I told him, in my childish ways, that he's going to die alone, and I'm not going to sit by and watch anymore.
He called me, screaming, yelling, crying, saying he was truly scared, and what's wrong with going out to drink? He then proceeded to say, "Lick your A$$, You CUntt". Immediately, he called back and said he didn't mean it. I told him I just didn't like him anymore. He kept telling me I was jealous of him.. that no one would ever want to be with me, and I need serious help. He was yelling, and had this insane tone to his voice. It was psychotic, and freaky.
He said I was acting like a child, and I need to cut it out. I told him I was finished, and I wasn't going to watch him die. (I hope, for once, I can mean it). He was in absolute denial that he has a drinking problem, and felt completely justified, because he had a life scare. I admit... after he called me the C word.. I told him to get real with himself, and that he is a loser. I'm not proud, but in all honesty, it's true. He has NOTHING going for him.
He kept saying how he wanted to see his friends - and I told him fine, you can see them ALL you want. I wasn't going to be around anymore. He just got mad when he saw he wasn't swaying my feelings on this. He kept telling me to agree with him, and I should be apologizing.
How can he be in so much denial? He blows me off nearly every weekend, to get drunk. I'm so upset. I'm so hurt, sad and confused. I just hope.. this time i mean it.
He told me no one will ever tolerate me. No one would ever make me happy, because they don't know what's really wrong with me.
It makes me believe those lies. He told me I was a child, and ********...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Your BF sounds just like my Ex ABF. He called me names when he would not get his way, he would yell, scream, cuss me. All to beat me down. That is exactly what he did. He beat me down until I had no self esteem left, until I started to believe him when he said "no one would ever love me like he does". Men like this have very LOW self esteem of themselves. That is why they spend their time trying to make someone else look and feel like crap.
Get OUT of this relationship. It is toxic! If you keep going back just because he says something sweet after saying all the other crap to you, dissapointment is all you will ever get from him.
Love yourself and move on because he never will be able to give you what you want. I can bet on that.
Hope that is not too blunt. I just have been there!
Get OUT of this relationship. It is toxic! If you keep going back just because he says something sweet after saying all the other crap to you, dissapointment is all you will ever get from him.
Love yourself and move on because he never will be able to give you what you want. I can bet on that.
Hope that is not too blunt. I just have been there!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
"people here love you jenny.......they see such lovely qualities, such spirit, such drive."
Aww Anvilhead... that made me want to cry. In all honesty, I feel like everyone thinks I'm a sappy, complaining, annoying little girl. Thank you.
Today I do have plans. I'm going on a bike ride, then I'm going to my friends house for the night to spend time with her!
He showed up at the house I'm at. He did this because he knows how weak I am. I couldn't look at him. He said, "look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me"... I said, "I love the idea of who you are".
He kept telling me to look at him, and tell him I want to end this. He had tears in his eyes. Like a coward, I looked at the ground and said, "I can't". He makes me feel so weak. Finally, when he got me where he wanted me... he walked away. With tears in his eyes, he said he was letting me go. I'm such a fool... I didn't want to say goodbye. Now that he's gone... I can easily say I'm done, and not see him... BUT, when I seeeee him, I get so lost in his eyes and touch. We hugged and said our farewells. He may be letting ME go, because he knows I don't like him anymore.
I can see him having low self-esteem... but, he speaks so highly of himself. It's hard to imagine he's aware of any of his flaws. He tried to sweet talk me, at tell me he loves and accepts me for who I am.. and I need to do the same. He says I can be mean, but that he loves me, and he forgives me?
These mind games are driving me crazy. I know what to do.. I just don't have the strength to do it. I feel SO weak..
I'm broken. I'm in a really low place right now. Depression has gotten the best of me. I cannot wait for therapy next tuesday It hurts so much.. that our love failed. I had such high hopes and expecations, which inevitably was my downfall.
Aww Anvilhead... that made me want to cry. In all honesty, I feel like everyone thinks I'm a sappy, complaining, annoying little girl. Thank you.
Today I do have plans. I'm going on a bike ride, then I'm going to my friends house for the night to spend time with her!
He showed up at the house I'm at. He did this because he knows how weak I am. I couldn't look at him. He said, "look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me"... I said, "I love the idea of who you are".
He kept telling me to look at him, and tell him I want to end this. He had tears in his eyes. Like a coward, I looked at the ground and said, "I can't". He makes me feel so weak. Finally, when he got me where he wanted me... he walked away. With tears in his eyes, he said he was letting me go. I'm such a fool... I didn't want to say goodbye. Now that he's gone... I can easily say I'm done, and not see him... BUT, when I seeeee him, I get so lost in his eyes and touch. We hugged and said our farewells. He may be letting ME go, because he knows I don't like him anymore.
I can see him having low self-esteem... but, he speaks so highly of himself. It's hard to imagine he's aware of any of his flaws. He tried to sweet talk me, at tell me he loves and accepts me for who I am.. and I need to do the same. He says I can be mean, but that he loves me, and he forgives me?
These mind games are driving me crazy. I know what to do.. I just don't have the strength to do it. I feel SO weak..
I'm broken. I'm in a really low place right now. Depression has gotten the best of me. I cannot wait for therapy next tuesday
It hurts so much.. that our love failed. I had such high hopes and expecations, which inevitably was my downfall.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Jenny, and please to "meet" you
nah, we don't. I think you're a normal, regular person with a big heart that fell in love with a dud. That's pretty much what happens to most of us alanoids, and it's what happened to me.
that sounds wonderful, I hope you have a great time.
Been there, done that. Took me several years to get out of my marriage. What helps me is to not try and do the whole "fix myself" job all at once. I do things in small steps, one day at a time. Just like you going on a bike ride and your friends. One small improvement every day ads up over time.
That really resonates with me. That is how I felt about my marriage of 20 years. I dunno where I learned that whole "love fails" concept, but it caused me a great deal of pain. What I know today is that love is not something that _can_ fail. It's not some kind of refrigerator that can short circuit and stop. Love is an emotion that is pure, clean and direct. It's people and their actions that fail. Not love.
The love my wife and I had did not fail. She took actions that made our marriage a mess. She chose to have affairs with other married guys, she chose not to see a marriage counselor, or talk to her doctors about her pain pill addiction. Those actions had nothing to do with love, they were about selfishness.
I had my share of blame. I chose to "enable" her for awhile. I chose to "not rock the boat" because I was afraid of looking like a failure. I had my own selfishness tangled up in our marriage too. Those were actions that I took that were wrong, but they had nothing to do with love.
Nobody in this forum has failed at love. Take a little time to read people's stories and you'll see we're all just regular folk doing the best we can with very difficult situations. As far as I can tell from reading your posts you are just the same as everybody else here. I don't see any "failure" at all. I think you're a very good person who was unlucky and got stuck with a guy who doesn't deserve you.
I'm glad you're doing good things for yourself today, that sounds really fun. In fact, now you've got me inspired and maybe I'll get out of the house for a bit and do something nice for me.
Mike
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
... I feel like everyone thinks I'm a sappy, complaining, annoying little girl.....
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
... Today I do have plans.....
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
... These mind games are driving me crazy. I know what to do.. I just don't have the strength to do it. I feel SO weak.. ....
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
... It hurts so much.. that our love failed.....
The love my wife and I had did not fail. She took actions that made our marriage a mess. She chose to have affairs with other married guys, she chose not to see a marriage counselor, or talk to her doctors about her pain pill addiction. Those actions had nothing to do with love, they were about selfishness.
I had my share of blame. I chose to "enable" her for awhile. I chose to "not rock the boat" because I was afraid of looking like a failure. I had my own selfishness tangled up in our marriage too. Those were actions that I took that were wrong, but they had nothing to do with love.
Nobody in this forum has failed at love. Take a little time to read people's stories and you'll see we're all just regular folk doing the best we can with very difficult situations. As far as I can tell from reading your posts you are just the same as everybody else here. I don't see any "failure" at all. I think you're a very good person who was unlucky and got stuck with a guy who doesn't deserve you.
I'm glad you're doing good things for yourself today, that sounds really fun. In fact, now you've got me inspired and maybe I'll get out of the house for a bit and do something nice for me.
Mike
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jenny, I don't remember your history nor did I go back and read any of your old posts. But from reading your first post my response is: (1) No, what I read that you posted of your conversation does not sound like abuse to me and (2) I personally heard these things from several different men before I figured out that they could not all be making this up about me. The common denominator was ME.
So, whether or not your BF is endangering his life by drinking, is stupid, an alcoholic, abusive, sober, drunk, good, bad, right wrong, loves you, doesn't love you, DOES NOT MATTER. The fact that he is taking the time to text you all that he has texted you is an indication to me that he does care about you but that you both have some serious problems. Your choice here is whether or not you are going to do the work on YOURSELF that you would grow from.
I WAS YOU many years ago, and I made the choice to do the work, and it was SO WORTH IT. Try to shift your focus away from reading him, or reading into his words, and LOOK AT YOURSELF. Just listen to the overall message he is saying and ask yourself, is what he saying about me true? and have I heard this from someone else before? Then go to a meeting, read a self-help book, go to therapy, go to yoga, do something to work on you and get your mind off what he is doing.
When you find yourself trying to figure out what is going on with someone ELSE, you are DEFLECTING yourself from your conscious awareness. Al-Anon and other 12 Steps will help you slowly and gently accept who you really are and what you are really doing, and then slowly take steps to consciously change what you would like to change.
So, whether or not your BF is endangering his life by drinking, is stupid, an alcoholic, abusive, sober, drunk, good, bad, right wrong, loves you, doesn't love you, DOES NOT MATTER. The fact that he is taking the time to text you all that he has texted you is an indication to me that he does care about you but that you both have some serious problems. Your choice here is whether or not you are going to do the work on YOURSELF that you would grow from.
I WAS YOU many years ago, and I made the choice to do the work, and it was SO WORTH IT. Try to shift your focus away from reading him, or reading into his words, and LOOK AT YOURSELF. Just listen to the overall message he is saying and ask yourself, is what he saying about me true? and have I heard this from someone else before? Then go to a meeting, read a self-help book, go to therapy, go to yoga, do something to work on you and get your mind off what he is doing.
When you find yourself trying to figure out what is going on with someone ELSE, you are DEFLECTING yourself from your conscious awareness. Al-Anon and other 12 Steps will help you slowly and gently accept who you really are and what you are really doing, and then slowly take steps to consciously change what you would like to change.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Jenny, I JUST read this post (I had not read it before my last post Today at 02:27 PM) and I would like to point out to you that you are HALF of this equation. You are contributing a full fifty percent to this very sick interplay that you choose to continue to have with him.
If you want to continue to live this very sick life you are living, you can continue to point your finger and be aghast at what the alcoholic is saying and doing, and share everything he does and says with everyone, and yes, they are going to agree with you, but all that is going to do is allow you to continue to not take responsibility for what is happening.
If you want to get better and have a better life, I suggest you STOP IT. Stop the interplay, the sickness, the drama, ALL of it. You followed him to that bar and are likely egging him on, so that you can continue to point your finger at him and avoid YOU. Leave him alone and go to a meeting.
If you want to continue to live this very sick life you are living, you can continue to point your finger and be aghast at what the alcoholic is saying and doing, and share everything he does and says with everyone, and yes, they are going to agree with you, but all that is going to do is allow you to continue to not take responsibility for what is happening.
If you want to get better and have a better life, I suggest you STOP IT. Stop the interplay, the sickness, the drama, ALL of it. You followed him to that bar and are likely egging him on, so that you can continue to point your finger at him and avoid YOU. Leave him alone and go to a meeting.
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
Thank you so much SL...
I ended up going out last night, and I saw him at the bar. He'd claimed I ruined his night, he was going to bed, and had to work. Nope, he was wasted. He went out, binge drinking.
I sent him a farewell message this morning, basically saying that he's shutting out the one person who rushed to his side, and pushing me away to see the ones who didn't give a **** about him being in the hospital. He chose to set me aside, and go get drunk with friends. He proceeded to tell me I have no right to tell him how to handle his scare (true). I told him, in my childish ways, that he's going to die alone, and I'm not going to sit by and watch anymore.
He called me, screaming, yelling, crying, saying he was truly scared, and what's wrong with going out to drink? He then proceeded to say, "Lick your A$$, You CUntt". Immediately, he called back and said he didn't mean it. I told him I just didn't like him anymore. He kept telling me I was jealous of him.. that no one would ever want to be with me, and I need serious help. He was yelling, and had this insane tone to his voice. It was psychotic, and freaky.
He said I was acting like a child, and I need to cut it out. I told him I was finished, and I wasn't going to watch him die. (I hope, for once, I can mean it). He was in absolute denial that he has a drinking problem, and felt completely justified, because he had a life scare. I admit... after he called me the C word.. I told him to get real with himself, and that he is a loser. I'm not proud, but in all honesty, it's true. He has NOTHING going for him.
He kept saying how he wanted to see his friends - and I told him fine, you can see them ALL you want. I wasn't going to be around anymore. He just got mad when he saw he wasn't swaying my feelings on this. He kept telling me to agree with him, and I should be apologizing.
How can he be in so much denial? He blows me off nearly every weekend, to get drunk. I'm so upset. I'm so hurt, sad and confused. I just hope.. this time i mean it.
He told me no one will ever tolerate me. No one would ever make me happy, because they don't know what's really wrong with me. It makes me believe those lies. He told me I was a child, and ********...
I ended up going out last night, and I saw him at the bar. He'd claimed I ruined his night, he was going to bed, and had to work. Nope, he was wasted. He went out, binge drinking.
I sent him a farewell message this morning, basically saying that he's shutting out the one person who rushed to his side, and pushing me away to see the ones who didn't give a **** about him being in the hospital. He chose to set me aside, and go get drunk with friends. He proceeded to tell me I have no right to tell him how to handle his scare (true). I told him, in my childish ways, that he's going to die alone, and I'm not going to sit by and watch anymore.
He called me, screaming, yelling, crying, saying he was truly scared, and what's wrong with going out to drink? He then proceeded to say, "Lick your A$$, You CUntt". Immediately, he called back and said he didn't mean it. I told him I just didn't like him anymore. He kept telling me I was jealous of him.. that no one would ever want to be with me, and I need serious help. He was yelling, and had this insane tone to his voice. It was psychotic, and freaky.
He said I was acting like a child, and I need to cut it out. I told him I was finished, and I wasn't going to watch him die. (I hope, for once, I can mean it). He was in absolute denial that he has a drinking problem, and felt completely justified, because he had a life scare. I admit... after he called me the C word.. I told him to get real with himself, and that he is a loser. I'm not proud, but in all honesty, it's true. He has NOTHING going for him.
He kept saying how he wanted to see his friends - and I told him fine, you can see them ALL you want. I wasn't going to be around anymore. He just got mad when he saw he wasn't swaying my feelings on this. He kept telling me to agree with him, and I should be apologizing.
How can he be in so much denial? He blows me off nearly every weekend, to get drunk. I'm so upset. I'm so hurt, sad and confused. I just hope.. this time i mean it.
He told me no one will ever tolerate me. No one would ever make me happy, because they don't know what's really wrong with me.
It makes me believe those lies. He told me I was a child, and ********...I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Jenny,
Stop tracking him down, you knew what bar he would be at, you are only adding fuel to the fire.
This is not helping you, let him be. Please consider no contact, there is no point to this continued drama.
No letters, no emails, no calls, no chasing him down.....no contact.
Do it, for you! Stop the insanity, once and for all.
Stop tracking him down, you knew what bar he would be at, you are only adding fuel to the fire.
This is not helping you, let him be. Please consider no contact, there is no point to this continued drama.
No letters, no emails, no calls, no chasing him down.....no contact.
Do it, for you! Stop the insanity, once and for all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
I read a quote today by Anais Nin
I know that I learnt something along those lines when I worked with my counsellor. He taught me to look at all of my complaints about my ex (and indeed all my dealings with other people) and see if I could see where I was ploughing the same furrow.
For example:
When I complained about him treating me as an object, I learnt to see that I was treating him the same by labelling him an "alcoholic" and extrapolating from there.
When I complained about him always picking fights with me, I learnt to see where I was often the (self-righteous) instigator.
When I complained about him making demands on me to be someone I wasn't, I learnt to see where I was trying to change him.
It's not about putting any blame one me - I hate that word with a passion. But it sure helped me to see where I was not, in any meaningful sense of the words, keeping my side of the street clean.
I also read that quote like this; there are some things that are fact and there others that are simply a matter of perception. If I believe that I am worthless, then someone saying "No-one will ever want to be with you" will resonate with what I am feeling inside. If I am feeling good about myself, with a great group of people around me, the same words are more likely to elicit a chuckle and a "yeah, right".
As for whether it is abuse or not, I think I call evens on that. You are both as bad as each other at this point, given what you have written. You both "love" the drama, I think, and it is deflecting you all from looking at where the problems really lie - within yourselves. His words are appalling, but you keep going back for more. Why is that? I know (now) that if anyone ever spoke to me like that, they would never get the opportunity of doing so again. Why have you allowed him to?
Please keep on with your therapy and limit your contact with this man for now, if not stop contact with him totally for the time being, whilst you take some time out to gather your own thoughts. Whatever the rights and wrongs of either of you, you just don't work well together at the moment. Think of the bigger picture. There is no "One", otherwise no-one would ever meet that One because they are statistically unlikely to ever cross your path.
We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are
For example:
When I complained about him treating me as an object, I learnt to see that I was treating him the same by labelling him an "alcoholic" and extrapolating from there.
When I complained about him always picking fights with me, I learnt to see where I was often the (self-righteous) instigator.
When I complained about him making demands on me to be someone I wasn't, I learnt to see where I was trying to change him.
It's not about putting any blame one me - I hate that word with a passion. But it sure helped me to see where I was not, in any meaningful sense of the words, keeping my side of the street clean.
I also read that quote like this; there are some things that are fact and there others that are simply a matter of perception. If I believe that I am worthless, then someone saying "No-one will ever want to be with you" will resonate with what I am feeling inside. If I am feeling good about myself, with a great group of people around me, the same words are more likely to elicit a chuckle and a "yeah, right".
As for whether it is abuse or not, I think I call evens on that. You are both as bad as each other at this point, given what you have written. You both "love" the drama, I think, and it is deflecting you all from looking at where the problems really lie - within yourselves. His words are appalling, but you keep going back for more. Why is that? I know (now) that if anyone ever spoke to me like that, they would never get the opportunity of doing so again. Why have you allowed him to?
Please keep on with your therapy and limit your contact with this man for now, if not stop contact with him totally for the time being, whilst you take some time out to gather your own thoughts. Whatever the rights and wrongs of either of you, you just don't work well together at the moment. Think of the bigger picture. There is no "One", otherwise no-one would ever meet that One because they are statistically unlikely to ever cross your path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
"If you want to get better and have a better life, I suggest you STOP IT. Stop the interplay, the sickness, the drama, ALL of it. You followed him to that bar and are likely egging him on, so that you can continue to point your finger at him and avoid YOU. Leave him alone and go to a meeting."
I appreciate what you're saying, but I did not know he was going there. He said he was going to a different bar, so I honestly, had no idea. It was late when I showed up, so I assumed he'd be in bed. I sat at a table on the opposite end, and we didn't speak a word to each other. I definitely did not egg that on. I was just going out with my friend... there are three bars in my town, so we were limited. I didn't get drunk or act like an idiot, I sat with my friend and ate dinner. I completely kept to myself.
I appreciate what you're saying, but I did not know he was going there. He said he was going to a different bar, so I honestly, had no idea. It was late when I showed up, so I assumed he'd be in bed. I sat at a table on the opposite end, and we didn't speak a word to each other. I definitely did not egg that on. I was just going out with my friend... there are three bars in my town, so we were limited. I didn't get drunk or act like an idiot, I sat with my friend and ate dinner. I completely kept to myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
I guess the reason I keep going back, is because I've never had better... and I'm skeptical that it exists. I fall into the belief that he treats me right, that I can forgive his actions, because we mean so much to each other. I know it's sick. It's disgusting in fact.
Growing up, my dad and brothers always called me stupid. They did the same with my mother. We all have a great relationship, but they really talked down to us (parents drank a lot). I started dating when I was 13 (hardly been single in ten years; four bfs). The first boyfriend broke up with me every other day.. and I always went back. This pattern continued with each of the next three boyfriends to follow. It's.. it's all I know.
I deem myself worthless, all the while, knowing I am important. My core belief is contradicting. I feel bad about myself, despise who I am.. but I know that I'm a good, loving person at the same time. I KNOW I deserve better.. but really, what is 'better'? So, the reason I stay is because I'm dependent upon others to fill my void. I've battled constant addictions to fill it, and he has now replaced it. Here I am again, with a void. I feel hollow on the inside.
I am taking the steps to improve myself. I know I fall back into the, "why's he doing this, or that". I've started to detach, it's just very hard. I've only been at this a few weeks, so I'm in the beginning. I'm indulged in these forums, self-help books, and the like.
I come here for strength... In all honesty, I need people to kick me in the a$$, or show me that I matter. I need others perceptions, because mine are flawed. It's embarrassing, but it's true. It's embarrassing that I take him back each and every time. It's embarrassing how physically ill I become when we're apart.
I'm trying to stop the madness, I really am. I'm just a slow learner. I know only I can do it.. I don't know how. I'm very weak and fragile. I don't say this as a cop-out. These are my goals, and I'm working towards them.
As for it being 50% me, I'm certainly aware of that too. That is why I have sought out therapy... I know something is WRONG inside me. So very wrong, and I'm trying to get to the root of it, so I can work through it...
Growing up, my dad and brothers always called me stupid. They did the same with my mother. We all have a great relationship, but they really talked down to us (parents drank a lot). I started dating when I was 13 (hardly been single in ten years; four bfs). The first boyfriend broke up with me every other day.. and I always went back. This pattern continued with each of the next three boyfriends to follow. It's.. it's all I know.
I deem myself worthless, all the while, knowing I am important. My core belief is contradicting. I feel bad about myself, despise who I am.. but I know that I'm a good, loving person at the same time. I KNOW I deserve better.. but really, what is 'better'? So, the reason I stay is because I'm dependent upon others to fill my void. I've battled constant addictions to fill it, and he has now replaced it. Here I am again, with a void. I feel hollow on the inside.
I am taking the steps to improve myself. I know I fall back into the, "why's he doing this, or that". I've started to detach, it's just very hard. I've only been at this a few weeks, so I'm in the beginning. I'm indulged in these forums, self-help books, and the like.
I come here for strength... In all honesty, I need people to kick me in the a$$, or show me that I matter. I need others perceptions, because mine are flawed. It's embarrassing, but it's true. It's embarrassing that I take him back each and every time. It's embarrassing how physically ill I become when we're apart.
I'm trying to stop the madness, I really am. I'm just a slow learner. I know only I can do it.. I don't know how. I'm very weak and fragile. I don't say this as a cop-out. These are my goals, and I'm working towards them.
As for it being 50% me, I'm certainly aware of that too. That is why I have sought out therapy... I know something is WRONG inside me. So very wrong, and I'm trying to get to the root of it, so I can work through it...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Jenny, The last thing this guy needs is alcohol for his already sick brain. He strings you along, and does what he wants to do. And to be honest with you, you will never be happy with this. It is better to be alone, than to be with someone who is manipulative, and hurtful. He also has the ability to turn it all around on you. If I were you I would take off far away from him, and never look back. What's it going to take for you to smarten up?
He seems like the Master Manipulator. Your young, beautiful, and smart, and you can do better. You asked for opinions on this site. Now honor them. Every experienced older woman on this site, can see this guy is running his game on you. Could it be that maybe you like the drama? Only you can answer that question. I had horrible relationships with guys when I was younger too. I know your concerned about his brain problem, but he certainly isn't. Alcohol is his first love. You need to ask yourself if your willing to sit back seat to the alcohol. The ball is in your court. And people will treat you the way you allow them to. At the first sign of these problems with him, you should have given him an ultimatum, or taken off. It's a crazy dance your doing, and he knows, if he treats you bad today, you will take him back tomorrow. You own some of this, and that's alright. Learn and move forward, unless you like the drama. That's up to you. I think you will eventually get sick of it. If your not already.
Either way, I wish you the best.
You know what to do.
Just do it.
He seems like the Master Manipulator. Your young, beautiful, and smart, and you can do better. You asked for opinions on this site. Now honor them. Every experienced older woman on this site, can see this guy is running his game on you. Could it be that maybe you like the drama? Only you can answer that question. I had horrible relationships with guys when I was younger too. I know your concerned about his brain problem, but he certainly isn't. Alcohol is his first love. You need to ask yourself if your willing to sit back seat to the alcohol. The ball is in your court. And people will treat you the way you allow them to. At the first sign of these problems with him, you should have given him an ultimatum, or taken off. It's a crazy dance your doing, and he knows, if he treats you bad today, you will take him back tomorrow. You own some of this, and that's alright. Learn and move forward, unless you like the drama. That's up to you. I think you will eventually get sick of it. If your not already.
Either way, I wish you the best.
You know what to do.
Just do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
there are three bars in my town, so we were limited
but I did not know he was going there
Odds are he is going to be at one of them right?
I have been where you are Jenny, and I know how uncomfortable you are, but you are choosing discomfort now.
Take responsibility for yourself, if you don't want to run into him, then make the effort not to run into him.
Once you are able to take responsibility for you and only you, you will be set free.
It could be a life-long lesson, (as it is appearing to be for me) but you will be all the better for it.
Beth
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