and I'm left alone in tears...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 39
Well, Bless Your Heart! You sound better already. Wayne Dyer has written a whole slew of inspirational books. His earlier work in my opinion is a bit more helpful than his latest 2. (He is getting kind of out there). He is spiritual and inspirational. I went to an al anon meeting once in my area and I didn't care for it. (That's just me and I really didn't give it a chance), so I went on a self help book binge and I thought he was the best. So, good luck to you, be strong. Good luck to your friend also, we all have our struggles. And if you backslide, that's OK, we all do the best we can with what we have to work with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Angelic17 
(((((((((((((((((Jenny))))))))))))))))))))))) Wanttobefree is right. He is out there doing what he wants to do, and your sitting there waiting for him, and crying. And knowing that if he comes home and loves you, you will forget all of the grief, and fall for his lines. I did the same crap at your age. He has no clue to your feelings cause he is numb to all the garbage he puts in his body. I too suffered with addiction and I will have 5 yrs clean on May29. My drug was weed, and vicodins. It was tough, but I did it. No program, no doctors, no nothing. But for the 10 years that I used, nobody could tell me anything. I didn't think I had a problem. Then one day I looked at myself, and said ENOUGH. And just like that, I was done. Don't wish to be an addict so you wont care about stuff. Even addicts get a moment of clarity, and realize that their life is in the toilet. Addicts are just people with a problem. Some of the best people are addicts and I'm sure there is something about your boyfriend, that is great. He might be smart, handsome and sexy. He might have a good heart. But, if he is an addict, the truth is, your in for a life of hell. And if you get married and have kids, your bonded for life. It's harder to get rid of all the hell that comes with addiction. And he will drain you dry. He's already started. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to run as fast as you can. Go home, and stay with your parents. Make something out of yourself. You can still Love him, but you don't have to sit there and be his door mat. I don't have the right to tell you all of this, but you seem to need someone older, to let you know your worth so much more. If you ever need someone to talk to, stop by my page and call on me.
And, it's sad that he doesn't know the pain I'm in. But, as people said here.. you teach people how to treat you (see, these things really do imbed in my mind). I need to stop accepting his abuse...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
This is great advice. I haven't had any communication with my XABF for over 4 weeks now, but I know that day will come (not by choice, probably by accident). Every day for me is still filled with some degree of pain, but I DO NOT want him to know that. I am praying, praying, praying that when I do have to see him or speak to him at some point that I will be exactly what you said -- happy, cheerful, and filled with joy!!!
Ugh, that scares me. Four weeks, and nothing? How hard are your days? I guess I'm oblivious to the fact it's going to take a LONG time to stop being sad. Hell, after my last ex, I still cried seven months later. What else do you do, to ease that pain, besides coming here?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Wanttobefree
Well, Bless Your Heart! You sound better already. Wayne Dyer has written a whole slew of inspirational books. His earlier work in my opinion is a bit more helpful than his latest 2. (He is getting kind of out there). He is spiritual and inspirational. I went to an al anon meeting once in my area and I didn't care for it. (That's just me and I really didn't give it a chance), so I went on a self help book binge and I thought he was the best. So, good luck to you, be strong. Good luck to your friend also, we all have our struggles. And if you backslide, that's OK, we all do the best we can with what we have to work with.
What books in particular do you recommend from him? I can check em out on ebay!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
I would like to express how greatly PIS$ED I am now. He's fine.
He's not dead in a ditch.
He's not in jail.
He did not get a DUI.
He has ignored me all night. Even when I said, "I'm not mad, can you please tell me that you are okay". - Silence.
I called his mother.. and she called him. He answered. He's fine, he's at his drunk buddies house.
Words cannot express the anger, despair and betrayal I fear. I'm not going to break up with him. I'm not going to talk to him. I need a few days to think. I'm going to Florida for a vacation on Thursday - Sunday. I can go, do some self-reflection and decide what this is really worth. Until then, I do NOT want to see him.
I've had it. He left me here.. crying, paranoid.. wanting to make sure he's okay. He had no intention of informing me, yes, he's fine, and just needed a break. That is childish, and down right COLD. He couldn't give a crap about a single feeling I'm having.
I'm not even going to express myself to him. I've become indifferent to his abuse. I'm numb at this point. There is NO excuse for that. You do NOT do that to someone you love.
I'm just blown away by this.
He's not dead in a ditch.
He's not in jail.
He did not get a DUI.
He has ignored me all night. Even when I said, "I'm not mad, can you please tell me that you are okay". - Silence.
I called his mother.. and she called him. He answered. He's fine, he's at his drunk buddies house.
Words cannot express the anger, despair and betrayal I fear. I'm not going to break up with him. I'm not going to talk to him. I need a few days to think. I'm going to Florida for a vacation on Thursday - Sunday. I can go, do some self-reflection and decide what this is really worth. Until then, I do NOT want to see him.
I've had it. He left me here.. crying, paranoid.. wanting to make sure he's okay. He had no intention of informing me, yes, he's fine, and just needed a break. That is childish, and down right COLD. He couldn't give a crap about a single feeling I'm having.
I'm not even going to express myself to him. I've become indifferent to his abuse. I'm numb at this point. There is NO excuse for that. You do NOT do that to someone you love.
I'm just blown away by this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
No, No slips in five years. I can't touch that stuff. 1 pill and it's back to 30 a day. I know that as long as I don't put a drug in my mouth, that I am ok. Have I thought about it, You Bet. Addiction is always there. It never goes away. I know my triggers. I didn't know them when I was using.When I am stressed, or sad, I want to run for a pill. But, I don't. I know better. And like Oprah says, when you know better, you do better. I am feeling normal now. I barely crave the drug. As years go on, my life gets more and more normal. The first year was really difficult. I was thinking of reasons to use drugs, but the truth is that I didn't want to give up my clean time. I had 120 vicodins in my posession when I got clean. I held on to them for about 10 months while I was clean, and then I finally threw them out. The drug mind is unreal. It's called stinking thinking. I had tried to get clean 2 time before and I couldn't do it. The last time I really wanted it. I prayed alot, and I got the strength to do it. Thanks for asking.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
Healingwillcome,
Ugh, that scares me. Four weeks, and nothing? How hard are your days? I guess I'm oblivious to the fact it's going to take a LONG time to stop being sad. Hell, after my last ex, I still cried seven months later. What else do you do, to ease that pain, besides coming here?
Ugh, that scares me. Four weeks, and nothing? How hard are your days? I guess I'm oblivious to the fact it's going to take a LONG time to stop being sad. Hell, after my last ex, I still cried seven months later. What else do you do, to ease that pain, besides coming here?
My days can still be terribly hard, but they ARE getting better. I have close friends who get me through the hell and who listen to my sobs and who love and support me. I am seeing a counselor who is straight-forward and not afraid to call it like she sees it (that style works for me!!!)
I made a list that ended up being two full pages long of memories or times in our relationship when he lied to me, or manipulated me, or did things that were disrespectful or dishonorable toward me. I pull that list out, sometimes once or twice a day, when I start to miss him or when I start to minimize the pain that he caused me through his addictions.
I read posts here every day that remind me that it is his ADDICTIONS that are his first love...that his inabillity to fully love me in a giving way...is NOT ABOUT ME...his first loves are alcohol and marijuana (and probably other substances that I don't know about.)
I have been focused on healing myself, really looking hard and honestly at my abandonment issues from childhood...that hurts like hell, but I am willing to go THROUGH the pain to get to the other side!!!
I focus on the future and not the past -- I am actually starting to get excited about what lies ahead. And I focus on my daughters because I would do anything for them that will promise them a healthier future...you know, Jenny, think about that...anything you do for YOURSELF now will be beneficial to the children you may have in the future!!!!!
And, because I am a very faith-filled child of God, I am REALLY, REALLY focusing on developing a better relationship with Him. In all of my pain over the past several weeks, the one thing that brings me peace is my honest submission to Him, because He has been trying to tell me for two years that this man was not the right one for me. Ummmm, I didn't listen, and look where it got me. I fully believe that by listening to Him, and "minding" him (or doing His will and NOT mine) that the blessings will flow. I don't have any idea where you are spiritually, Jenny, and you may not have the same beliefs. But I will tell you that my faith is the most important thing I have to get me through each day.
You WILL be okay, Jenny. You will. It IS hard....it is, it is, it is. But it can be done!!! You are clearly a very strong girl, who has recognized your own potential for addictions and who has come THIS FAR in realizing that you deserve SO MUCH MORE than a man whose first love is his own addictions. Hugs to you!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Do your own thing. Don't call him. Just act very normal, and happy. He will be wondering what your up to. You won't be able to get rid of him if you do that. Trust me, when you act like you don't care, and give them all the space they need. They want to be with you more. When you have your own life, and you own stuff to do, they want to be with you. Men are different than women. I learned to accept our differences, and my marriage worked out because of that. It's the battle of the sexes. It's been going on since the beginning of time. Get tough kid. I'm not saying play games, I'm just saying, keep busy with your own stuff, and he will be wondering what your up to. The good news is, when you get older, all the stuff your going through now, doesn't matter at all. I remember it well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by Angelic17
No, No slips in five years. I can't touch that stuff. 1 pill and it's back to 30 a day. I know that as long as I don't put a drug in my mouth, that I am ok.
I had 120 vicodins in my posession when I got clean. I held on to them for about 10 months while I was clean, and then I finally threw them out. The drug mind is unreal. It's called stinking thinking. I had tried to get clean 2 time before and I couldn't do it. The last time I really wanted it. I prayed alot, and I got the strength to do it. Thanks for asking.
I had 120 vicodins in my posession when I got clean. I held on to them for about 10 months while I was clean, and then I finally threw them out. The drug mind is unreal. It's called stinking thinking. I had tried to get clean 2 time before and I couldn't do it. The last time I really wanted it. I prayed alot, and I got the strength to do it. Thanks for asking.
Wow, you held on to 120.. and resisted them? That is SERIOUS strength. I have chronic neck pain, as I've said so many times.. but I was getting pills.. and taking up to six a day at times, which was too much.. and I quickly realized, uh oh, nipped that in the bud. I am okay with them though. I still take them very moderately, but I am able to control that. Wait.. so why did you want to get clean exactly? What did it for you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome
I understand how that scares you -- it used to scare me, too, like crazy. It is HARD to give up the one you love. But I realized at a certain point that he was like a drug to me, and going back to him (4 or 5 break-ups in 2 years, each with very convincing promises from him about healing himself) was really about me looking for a "fix" from him rather than dealing with my own pain over not being with him. I knew by that gnawing in my soul that he was NOT the right man for me, but I had fallen in love with the good guy in him, and was addicted to the "love" that he gave me when things were good. I let myself believe the empty promises because there were times when he really did desire to be healed -- I am sure he still does, but just not bad enough yet. So finally, I had had enough and said, "no more, I'm done, I deserve to be honored and respected" and I left. He went straight to the arms of someone who would drink and drug with him (I never did) and who would move in with him (I wouldn't because I have three daughters).
My days can still be terribly hard, but they ARE getting better. I have close friends who get me through the hell and who listen to my sobs and who love and support me. I am seeing a counselor who is straight-forward and not afraid to call it like she sees it (that style works for me!!!)
I made a list that ended up being two full pages long of memories or times in our relationship when he lied to me, or manipulated me, or did things that were disrespectful or dishonorable toward me. I pull that list out, sometimes once or twice a day, when I start to miss him or when I start to minimize the pain that he caused me through his addictions.
I read posts here every day that remind me that it is his ADDICTIONS that are his first love...that his inabillity to fully love me in a giving way...is NOT ABOUT ME...his first loves are alcohol and marijuana (and probably other substances that I don't know about.)
I have been focused on healing myself, really looking hard and honestly at my abandonment issues from childhood...that hurts like hell, but I am willing to go THROUGH the pain to get to the other side!!!
I focus on the future and not the past -- I am actually starting to get excited about what lies ahead. And I focus on my daughters because I would do anything for them that will promise them a healthier future...you know, Jenny, think about that...anything you do for YOURSELF now will be beneficial to the children you may have in the future!!!!!
And, because I am a very faith-filled child of God, I am REALLY, REALLY focusing on developing a better relationship with Him. In all of my pain over the past several weeks, the one thing that brings me peace is my honest submission to Him, because He has been trying to tell me for two years that this man was not the right one for me. Ummmm, I didn't listen, and look where it got me. I fully believe that by listening to Him, and "minding" him (or doing His will and NOT mine) that the blessings will flow. I don't have any idea where you are spiritually, Jenny, and you may not have the same beliefs. But I will tell you that my faith is the most important thing I have to get me through each day.
You WILL be okay, Jenny. You will. It IS hard....it is, it is, it is. But it can be done!!! You are clearly a very strong girl, who has recognized your own potential for addictions and who has come THIS FAR in realizing that you deserve SO MUCH MORE than a man whose first love is his own addictions. Hugs to you!!!!!
My days can still be terribly hard, but they ARE getting better. I have close friends who get me through the hell and who listen to my sobs and who love and support me. I am seeing a counselor who is straight-forward and not afraid to call it like she sees it (that style works for me!!!)
I made a list that ended up being two full pages long of memories or times in our relationship when he lied to me, or manipulated me, or did things that were disrespectful or dishonorable toward me. I pull that list out, sometimes once or twice a day, when I start to miss him or when I start to minimize the pain that he caused me through his addictions.
I read posts here every day that remind me that it is his ADDICTIONS that are his first love...that his inabillity to fully love me in a giving way...is NOT ABOUT ME...his first loves are alcohol and marijuana (and probably other substances that I don't know about.)
I have been focused on healing myself, really looking hard and honestly at my abandonment issues from childhood...that hurts like hell, but I am willing to go THROUGH the pain to get to the other side!!!
I focus on the future and not the past -- I am actually starting to get excited about what lies ahead. And I focus on my daughters because I would do anything for them that will promise them a healthier future...you know, Jenny, think about that...anything you do for YOURSELF now will be beneficial to the children you may have in the future!!!!!
And, because I am a very faith-filled child of God, I am REALLY, REALLY focusing on developing a better relationship with Him. In all of my pain over the past several weeks, the one thing that brings me peace is my honest submission to Him, because He has been trying to tell me for two years that this man was not the right one for me. Ummmm, I didn't listen, and look where it got me. I fully believe that by listening to Him, and "minding" him (or doing His will and NOT mine) that the blessings will flow. I don't have any idea where you are spiritually, Jenny, and you may not have the same beliefs. But I will tell you that my faith is the most important thing I have to get me through each day.
You WILL be okay, Jenny. You will. It IS hard....it is, it is, it is. But it can be done!!! You are clearly a very strong girl, who has recognized your own potential for addictions and who has come THIS FAR in realizing that you deserve SO MUCH MORE than a man whose first love is his own addictions. Hugs to you!!!!!
I talked to his mother for about an hour tonight. She told me she didn't want to see us break up, and that she knew he loved me. She told me that she truly believed he would stop drinking, in order to be with me. I'm not sure how much I believe that. He needs to come to that decision on his own. I don't want to force him into it, especially, when he's in denial. Honestly, I don't think he's in denial.
When I was mentioning his consumption of 210 pills in 20 days... he swore up and down he didn't have an issue. When I broke up with him... he came clean. He said he knew it was a problem, and he stopped. He's playing it off again. It gives him more reason to drink, so long as I'm still around. He gets the best of both worlds. I have learned so much from this damn site, it's unbelieveable. I don't think I have ever felt so calm, and at ease with an issue like this before.
I began to detach, without even realizing I was doing so. I think I'm doing a good job. I still, in the back of my mind.. hope he will change. That the consequences of losing me are much greater pain, than giving up drink. I won't hold onto that hope though.
Man, I am unloading. Thanks for allowing me to do this!!!
"he was NOT the right man for me, but I had fallen in love with the good guy in him, and was addicted to the "love" that he gave me when things were good. I let myself believe the empty promises because there were times when he really did desire to be healed"
I know deep in him, lurks this helpless little boy, who so desperately seeks love and approval, that he never recieved as a child. I know he has a heart of gold. It shines through, quite often too. It's just not enough at this point. I cannot save him. My childhood was no picnic.. and sure, it used to be an excuse. Now, the only excuse it is, is as a solution to my problems.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
I know deep in him, lurks this helpless little boy, who so desperately seeks love and approval, that he never recieved as a child. I know he has a heart of gold. It shines through, quite often too. It's just not enough at this point. I cannot save him.
I just implore you to stay no contact for at least a few days. It will empower you!
I quoted that piece above because I can so identify with it. Because of that, I stayed with my xabf far too long. I wanted to be the ONE person in his life who didn't abandon him. It's just too big, I don't have that kind of power and influence, to undo YEARS of training and messages, in his FORMATIVE years, simply by loving and believing in him. And neither do you.
Please ask yourself why you are considering going back for yet another round with this man? He's not even pretending to be clean and sober. What do you think has/will change?
Honey, I understand your pain. I have felt every single shred of it myself. There is a way out of the pain. I promise.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
You are in the right place here...the people here have amazed me with their strength and stories and wisdom and struggles and honesty...keep drawing strength from their insights and experience!
That tug in your heart that you believe might be God...don't ignore it. I haven't been here for long, but I've read many posts from people who have that strong faith who can help you find the answers you're looking for about how to get to know him. I'm one who would be happy to help you, and I am sure there are others.
As far as your bf's mother's comments are concerned, I can only tell you what others here will say. Whether he loves you or not is not the issue. He probably does love you in the limited capacity he has due to his addictions and underlying issues. But...he is not your responsibility. YOU are your responsibility, no matter how heartfelt his mother's pleas may be. You stall your own healing if your focus is on him instead of yourself.
My XABF had a horrendous childhood...too many nasty details to even begin naming here. He also has a heart of gold, at times, but it gets buried in the grime of his addictions and there is nothing I can do to dig it out and shine it up...the choice has to be his. I pray for his healing every day, but my love for him will forever be from a distance now that I have chosen to heal myself and not worry about being there for him. He is God's child and I've turned him over to God...God, who knows far better than I do what my XABF needs to be healed!! There is peace in knowing that the responsibility is not mine.
That tug in your heart that you believe might be God...don't ignore it. I haven't been here for long, but I've read many posts from people who have that strong faith who can help you find the answers you're looking for about how to get to know him. I'm one who would be happy to help you, and I am sure there are others.
As far as your bf's mother's comments are concerned, I can only tell you what others here will say. Whether he loves you or not is not the issue. He probably does love you in the limited capacity he has due to his addictions and underlying issues. But...he is not your responsibility. YOU are your responsibility, no matter how heartfelt his mother's pleas may be. You stall your own healing if your focus is on him instead of yourself.
My XABF had a horrendous childhood...too many nasty details to even begin naming here. He also has a heart of gold, at times, but it gets buried in the grime of his addictions and there is nothing I can do to dig it out and shine it up...the choice has to be his. I pray for his healing every day, but my love for him will forever be from a distance now that I have chosen to heal myself and not worry about being there for him. He is God's child and I've turned him over to God...God, who knows far better than I do what my XABF needs to be healed!! There is peace in knowing that the responsibility is not mine.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
and I'm left alone in tears.....
Hi Jenny,
I am another one of those "Old People" but as you must know age & a strong will to improve my station in life....being a drunk.... was what kept me sober this time. I got sober for "Myself" with no one telling me to quit drinking or move out when he was drinking right along with me. I moved out the same day my husband told me that.
We divorced within a year & I moved back across the state to where my Mom & Dad still lived. I took our youngest son with me & he had his two sons from a first marriage & our daughter that wanted to live with him.
It is a long story but I did sober up 21 years ago when I was 48 years old, went back to college after working on my sobriety & depression for the whole first year, & got a good job which was my goal for many years.
I had divorced my second husband after he was arrested for abuse of our six year old daughter. I worked but didn't get anywhere until I decided to get help for my drinking.
I am remarried to my first husband who I honestly believe was the one person in the world for me but my drinking & depression was a hodge podge of meds & alcohol so I muddled my way through life taking care of my family with no desires or needs that I could or would ever want.
So I am the reverse of your situation but everyone here is right about You needing to take care of Yourself so you can have a life filled with lots of things without the addictions.
kelsh
I am another one of those "Old People" but as you must know age & a strong will to improve my station in life....being a drunk.... was what kept me sober this time. I got sober for "Myself" with no one telling me to quit drinking or move out when he was drinking right along with me. I moved out the same day my husband told me that.
We divorced within a year & I moved back across the state to where my Mom & Dad still lived. I took our youngest son with me & he had his two sons from a first marriage & our daughter that wanted to live with him.
It is a long story but I did sober up 21 years ago when I was 48 years old, went back to college after working on my sobriety & depression for the whole first year, & got a good job which was my goal for many years.
I had divorced my second husband after he was arrested for abuse of our six year old daughter. I worked but didn't get anywhere until I decided to get help for my drinking.
I am remarried to my first husband who I honestly believe was the one person in the world for me but my drinking & depression was a hodge podge of meds & alcohol so I muddled my way through life taking care of my family with no desires or needs that I could or would ever want.
So I am the reverse of your situation but everyone here is right about You needing to take care of Yourself so you can have a life filled with lots of things without the addictions.
kelsh
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Please ask yourself why you are considering going back for yet another round with this man? He's not even pretending to be clean and sober. What do you think has/will change?
That really made me question. He isn't even pretending... he says, "so what". I'm repulsed by him right now. I'm unsure what route he is going to take next. He honestly, has never flat out ignored me like he has tonight. I wonder, will he pretend nothing happend? Or, does he hate me? Is he done? I hope he is done.. and he has more strength I do in saying goodbye.. or, it will be easier to say goodbye, when it's mutual. Then, I won't be guilted in with love professing on his part. I was believing in him.. but that all shattered with his actions tonight.
Maybe it's not too bad, in the eyes of others. What he did to me tonight, is nearly unforgivable. You do not leave the person you 'love' hanging on the end, alone in your bed, wondering where on earth you may be. I would NEVER ever do that to him. Ever. This was completely selfish and insensitive on his part. His words of apologies and change have lost it's meaning.
Like I said, I don't want to "break up" with him, for fear of embarrassment, that I may just take him back. I just don't want to see him either. Coffeedrinker, I don't want to speak with him. Not until after I get back from my vacation on Sunday. He can take this time, and he get get plastered everynight. I truly, do not care at this point what he does, as long as he is not bothering me. I won't make any decisions.. except that I will not talk to him right away. I will not just excuse this behavior. It just crossed the line.
Do not beg me, and tell me my importance.. and then prove it with these actions. I'm absolutely amazed at how disgusted I am. How I'm not even sad. How, the man I knew and loved.. he's not there anymore. Was he ever?
Healingwillcome,
Love from a distance. Not a bad concept. It's just too painful to love them, when they treat you like dirt. It's not worth it. I just so badly, want to fall in love with myself. It's not even worth feeling sorry for their childhood. There are many less fortunate then them, who didn't turn out the same way. It's an easy cop-out.
Kelsh,
Remarrying your first husband is interesting - but kind of romantic too. Time apart can do wonders for people who ARE meant to be. I've definitely realized now, that you can only heal, WHEN YOU WANT TO. No one else can decide that for you... no one.
That really made me question. He isn't even pretending... he says, "so what". I'm repulsed by him right now. I'm unsure what route he is going to take next. He honestly, has never flat out ignored me like he has tonight. I wonder, will he pretend nothing happend? Or, does he hate me? Is he done? I hope he is done.. and he has more strength I do in saying goodbye.. or, it will be easier to say goodbye, when it's mutual. Then, I won't be guilted in with love professing on his part. I was believing in him.. but that all shattered with his actions tonight.
Maybe it's not too bad, in the eyes of others. What he did to me tonight, is nearly unforgivable. You do not leave the person you 'love' hanging on the end, alone in your bed, wondering where on earth you may be. I would NEVER ever do that to him. Ever. This was completely selfish and insensitive on his part. His words of apologies and change have lost it's meaning.
Like I said, I don't want to "break up" with him, for fear of embarrassment, that I may just take him back. I just don't want to see him either. Coffeedrinker, I don't want to speak with him. Not until after I get back from my vacation on Sunday. He can take this time, and he get get plastered everynight. I truly, do not care at this point what he does, as long as he is not bothering me. I won't make any decisions.. except that I will not talk to him right away. I will not just excuse this behavior. It just crossed the line.
Do not beg me, and tell me my importance.. and then prove it with these actions. I'm absolutely amazed at how disgusted I am. How I'm not even sad. How, the man I knew and loved.. he's not there anymore. Was he ever?
Healingwillcome,
Love from a distance. Not a bad concept. It's just too painful to love them, when they treat you like dirt. It's not worth it. I just so badly, want to fall in love with myself. It's not even worth feeling sorry for their childhood. There are many less fortunate then them, who didn't turn out the same way. It's an easy cop-out.
Kelsh,
Remarrying your first husband is interesting - but kind of romantic too. Time apart can do wonders for people who ARE meant to be. I've definitely realized now, that you can only heal, WHEN YOU WANT TO. No one else can decide that for you... no one.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote ((I know he is not Mr. Right. For so long now, I've wanted him to be. I just know he's not the one. ))
So why waste your life on someone who is Mr Wrong for you. Not only is he not right for you, he is a walking disaster as a friend, lover and partner.
His promises about not drinking or drugging if married or when kids come, is total cr*p, and if you want to know, what life would be like married, and with a couple of kids to this jerk.....look about you....you have it now. There will be NO CHANGE, just more of the same worry, disrespect, abuse and loneliness you have now, and with kids to provide for.
Go away for those few days vacation, leave him to do whatever dumbos like him do, and on your return look at going to stay with mum and dad, and keep well away from this man of false promises, who has not the faintest idea what love means.
Shut the door on this part of your life, taking what you need with you into the future and Oh, how I would love to have my life at 23 handed to me to live over, knowing what I know now.
God bless
So why waste your life on someone who is Mr Wrong for you. Not only is he not right for you, he is a walking disaster as a friend, lover and partner.
His promises about not drinking or drugging if married or when kids come, is total cr*p, and if you want to know, what life would be like married, and with a couple of kids to this jerk.....look about you....you have it now. There will be NO CHANGE, just more of the same worry, disrespect, abuse and loneliness you have now, and with kids to provide for.
Go away for those few days vacation, leave him to do whatever dumbos like him do, and on your return look at going to stay with mum and dad, and keep well away from this man of false promises, who has not the faintest idea what love means.
Shut the door on this part of your life, taking what you need with you into the future and Oh, how I would love to have my life at 23 handed to me to live over, knowing what I know now.
God bless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
I truly, do not want to be with him any longer.
I'm debating just changing my number..and packing everything up. He did not have the courtesy to just say he was okay, or needed time. Simple as that.
He does not know love. He does not treat me right. I'm fed up.
I texted him this morning, telling him what he did blows my mind, and I am baffled. That if breaking up is what he wanted, well he got it.
I will not do this any longer. I just don't want to make any irrational steps. He's still ignoring me. He will continue to ignore me.
That, will drive me insane. The silent treatment. Just leaving, breaking up with someone.. and saying, NOTHING... What the hell? I don't get it.. He just BLEW ME OFF... completely ignoring me. I'm so confused.
I'm debating just changing my number..and packing everything up. He did not have the courtesy to just say he was okay, or needed time. Simple as that.
He does not know love. He does not treat me right. I'm fed up.
I texted him this morning, telling him what he did blows my mind, and I am baffled. That if breaking up is what he wanted, well he got it.
I will not do this any longer. I just don't want to make any irrational steps. He's still ignoring me. He will continue to ignore me.
That, will drive me insane. The silent treatment. Just leaving, breaking up with someone.. and saying, NOTHING... What the hell? I don't get it.. He just BLEW ME OFF... completely ignoring me. I'm so confused.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
Time apart can do wonders for people who ARE meant to be.
m. scott peck says that it is a myth. he says that the idea of "meant to be" implies that if two are meant to be, there is no one else for them.
(really? no one else? only for each other? that's insane)
reading this put it into a perspective for me, although i still struggle with the "meant for each other" concept. it is incredibly romantic, yet naive.
jenny,
i didn't understand when you said you didn't want to break up w/him - thought it was you going back for more. i get it. and he has no idea right now that you're actually done with him, because of the back and forth thing, because you have said what you thought you meant, but truly didn't.
and for what it's worth, i think he didn't contact you because he is too self-absorbed to think of your feelings, and because the past has shown him that you'll take ill treatment. ouch. i know.
be proud of yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
My boss, who has an alcoholic husband.. said her husband has done that. They will ignore you to have fun, then take the beating all at once.. because they know, you will take it. Just like you said...
My fear is telling me this is his way of breaking up with me. It shoudln't matter. It really is the name of the game. He's doing this.. leaving me on edge.. then he wants to come sweet talk me. I just don't believe I can fall for it anymore. A part of me thinks he is ignoring me forever, and he'll never come back.. and I'm left wondering why??
This is so cruel of him. I cannot believe what is happening right now. After al the tears he shed.
And, the whole meant to be point you just made, made me laugh. That's so right... there is always more than one person for someone. Sighs, I feel so darn pathetic right now. I can't stop dwelling, obsessing over why he is ignoring me, or what he's thinking. Is this his whole intention? I doubt he even has one.. he isn't even thinking of me at all, is he?
I DON'T GET IT. How can he cry, profess his love, and tell me I'm the world to him.. and turn around, and do this? This does not make me feel loved.. What the heck is he doing? WHY?
My fear is telling me this is his way of breaking up with me. It shoudln't matter. It really is the name of the game. He's doing this.. leaving me on edge.. then he wants to come sweet talk me. I just don't believe I can fall for it anymore. A part of me thinks he is ignoring me forever, and he'll never come back.. and I'm left wondering why??
This is so cruel of him. I cannot believe what is happening right now. After al the tears he shed.
And, the whole meant to be point you just made, made me laugh. That's so right... there is always more than one person for someone. Sighs, I feel so darn pathetic right now. I can't stop dwelling, obsessing over why he is ignoring me, or what he's thinking. Is this his whole intention? I doubt he even has one.. he isn't even thinking of me at all, is he?
I DON'T GET IT. How can he cry, profess his love, and tell me I'm the world to him.. and turn around, and do this? This does not make me feel loved.. What the heck is he doing? WHY?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Jenny, you can say "WHY??!!" and do this: 
till the cows come home, but I don't think you'll ever be able to understand why an addict does what he or she does. To the enabler/codie, it just doesn't make sense, and yet, we still stick around for more punishment.
Instead of trying to understand, and instead of standing in shock at how selfish/cruel your boyfriend is being, don't you think it's time you took action and walked away from this maddening dance? You deserve SO MUCH MORE than this crap.
I too spent a good deal of time saying "WTF??!! How could he? After all I've done for him? After all the promises he made!! Why oh why?!". It didn't help me understand one bit. So I chose to call it MADNESS and to walk away. I still don't get my AH and quite frankly, I don't want to get it. I have better things to do with my time.
Change your number, block his emails, delete his texts, shut the door and decide that *YOU* are making the move, not him. If you know you'll want to go back to him (not sure why!), then surround yourself with friends, busy yourself with activities, prepare a stock response to anyone who will ask (i.e. "I've decided to break up with my bf, and it's really hard for me, so I'd appreciate it if we didn't talk about this"). Anyone who doesn't respect that simple statement is toxic and you can cross them off your list of good people.
till the cows come home, but I don't think you'll ever be able to understand why an addict does what he or she does. To the enabler/codie, it just doesn't make sense, and yet, we still stick around for more punishment.Instead of trying to understand, and instead of standing in shock at how selfish/cruel your boyfriend is being, don't you think it's time you took action and walked away from this maddening dance? You deserve SO MUCH MORE than this crap.
I too spent a good deal of time saying "WTF??!! How could he? After all I've done for him? After all the promises he made!! Why oh why?!". It didn't help me understand one bit. So I chose to call it MADNESS and to walk away. I still don't get my AH and quite frankly, I don't want to get it. I have better things to do with my time.
Change your number, block his emails, delete his texts, shut the door and decide that *YOU* are making the move, not him. If you know you'll want to go back to him (not sure why!), then surround yourself with friends, busy yourself with activities, prepare a stock response to anyone who will ask (i.e. "I've decided to break up with my bf, and it's really hard for me, so I'd appreciate it if we didn't talk about this"). Anyone who doesn't respect that simple statement is toxic and you can cross them off your list of good people.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Originally Posted by Jenny1232
Maybe I am smarter than I give myself credit. I too, absolutely refuse ONE hit of weed, because I know it will lead to getting high everyday. They may say it's not an addicting drug, I will be damned if it isn't. Good for you and you ability to recognize even one will set you back. I guess I now see why an alcoholic cannot have just ONE drink, EVER again.
Wow, you held on to 120.. and resisted them? That is SERIOUS strength. I have chronic neck pain, as I've said so many times.. but I was getting pills.. and taking up to six a day at times, which was too much.. and I quickly realized, uh oh, nipped that in the bud. I am okay with them though. I still take them very moderately, but I am able to control that. Wait.. so why did you want to get clean exactly? What did it for you?
Wow, you held on to 120.. and resisted them? That is SERIOUS strength. I have chronic neck pain, as I've said so many times.. but I was getting pills.. and taking up to six a day at times, which was too much.. and I quickly realized, uh oh, nipped that in the bud. I am okay with them though. I still take them very moderately, but I am able to control that. Wait.. so why did you want to get clean exactly? What did it for you?
I wanted to get clean because I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I felt like I was hurting my family, that had no idea that I was addicted to pills. I was tired of the full time job of worrying where the next batch of pills was coming from. I was tired of going to the doctor, and tired of the looks from the pharmacists. Tired of spending my time and money, running for something that was destroying me.
I was also worried that I might die. I was in my 40's taking 30 pain pills a day.
That is a recipe for death. And most important of all. MY SON and MY HUSBAND
I wanted to set a good example for my son. My entire family never knew that I had a problem with drugs. That was my little secret, and I felt shame.
When I was DONE, I was DONE.
My mind is very powerful, and I am stronger than I thought I was. So are you honey. Be good to yourself. And remember, you set the pace. Don't let anyone mistreat you, ever. For any reason. You are worth something. Your valuable, and your lovable. People will only treat you the way you allow them to. It took me a long time to learn that. Life is one big lesson and we never stop learning. I continue to learn something every day. Be good to yourself. And don't allow anyone to abuse you in any way. Life is too short, and it's just not worth it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
