wanting

Jenny, I'm not usually an article sharer, but this one about emotional manipulation really hit home for me yesterday. I normally think that the endless article reading can be a huge waste of time. We expend so much energy trying to understand the whys when we should be looking at ourselves and why we allow ourselves to be treated this way. But I saw so much of the dynamic of myself and AH in this article. I didn't really see that what was going on was emotional manipulations. That push-you-away, pull-you-close thing is so common and so crazy-making. Withholding communication, withholding love, it seems like they do it because it works. It sends you into a state of panic. It makes you crazy. Crazy enough to not see that you're in a bad situation and need to GTF out.

Jenny1232

That link was blocked at work, I will need to try it when I get home. Thank you!

"That push-you-away, pull-you-close thing is so common and so crazy-making. " - I am the one who is guilty of this.. He may be, but SO am I.

theuncertainty

LMAO. Sorry, but I really can't stop laughing, but it's not at you. I thought the same thing with my AH. Thanks for posting it. I appreciate the reminder. I find it amazing that I had gone back, but I also find it amazing that I had the strength to leave again when I realized I messed up and believed his lies.

You are strong. As you work through recovering, you'll be able to see that clearer and clearer.

I agree with nodaybut2day. There's not going to be an 'aha' moment. I'm never going to understand why my AH needed to drink more than he needed me and our son. I'm never going to understand what was going through his mind each time he promised he loved us more than the air he breathes and will stop, all the while looking back at the cupboard/workboot/waders/who-knows-where-else where he'd hid his last round of bottles.

Keep posting, keep reading, attend a few Al-Anon meetings, it all helps. Focus on you and what you need.

hello-kitty

Wayne Dyer is very inspirational. He has a very uplifting and motivational message. Have you googled him yet? Dr. Wayne Dyer - Internationally renowned author and speaker - Official Site

hello-kitty

He's a narcissistic sociopath and a drug addict/alcoholic. That's why he does what he does.

It helps when I think of my ex as Ted Bundy or Scott Peterson. Not because he killed me physically but because emotionally I was a toy to him. I fed his ego.

I know it may sound like an exageration to you... but I don't think it is. There are many kinds of sociopaths out there.... Protect yourself.

tchappy

Since the word Sociopath was brought up I will throw my 2 cents in. ; )

Go to the library and pick up the book The Sociopath Next Door and you will be amazed. I read it in 1 day I was so intrigued by it and it described my Ex ABF to a T!

It just might make a light bulb go off and help you see WHY he does some of the things he does.

Jenny1232

Ick... I have long suspected. I have never heard of that book, but I think I'd enjoy it A LOT! Thank you hun, I will definitely check that one out!!!

wanting

I think many co-dependents are emotional abusers. Or, there are some people who just really don't know if they want you close or far away. But I'm talking about the way that emotional abusers do this "promise to change" coupled with "never coming home and not answering the phone all night" to control a person. Maybe it doesn't relate to your situation.

Jenny1232

Hmmph, well that makes me feel better. I do seem to be abusive in some forms, but I've acknowledged it, I become aware, and I'm taking steps to change that.

As far as the push-pull, I would NEVER, ever, leave him on edge, wondering about my safety. I don't care how mad I am, I wouldn't put someone through that. It relates to my situation entirely, because it's exactly what HE does.

Thank you

wanting

I hope you will be able to read the article. It's really good. The first point is about how being honest with emotional abusers usually backfires. I was quick to acknowledge my faults, hoping that would lead us both to work on things. What it did was give him ammunition to turn things around on me. I should have separated myself from him for a while, worked on myself, then made amends if I felt I needed to do so. I also had many of the same situations as you described. They talk about this in the article too. Emotional abusers back you into a corner until you explode, then use it against you to show you how you are the problem. There is personal responsibility involved, of course, but taking personal responsibility for yourself won't help the relationship, usually. It can help you to move on, but it won't help them to take responsibility.

I am on a new mission of no contact, so I am far from having all the answers, but these are just my reflections from the article and from the past several years of my life.

Jenny1232

Oh my gosh! Being honest is the WORST thing I can do with him. He gets SO mad at the truth, and trusts me EVER less. I am so very honest with him, and he scares me into lying. Wow! Interesting, I must read it!

Goodness.. what you just described, describes him and I perfectly. Well, off of work, so on my way home! I will be back soon! Thank you! I need to check out your story, so i can understand more!