stella27

Speaking for myself only, I want what's best for you.

And although I don't know what that would be exactly, it is very hard to see you obviously in pain and turmoil when you visit this site.

Confusion, churning, pain and turmoil are not what's best for me - maybe it is what works for you - I don't know.

This board has a definite "slant" or bias. The general wisdom here is that recovery of one's own self should be our #1 priority.

Apparently some people can work a recovery while still living with an active alcoholic/depressive/drug addict/other impairment. But I think they only do so if they focus on themselves and their needs - NOT AS THEIR NEEDS RELATE TO THE ALCOHOLIC. So it's not "he gets consequences because I tell him how bad he makes me feel when he drinks/goes to the pub/meets an old girlfriend". It's "I feel bad when he does these things, so I am going to decide to feel good no matter what he is doing. And I am going to focus on something else besides HIM, HIM, HIM."

So if you feel like we are picking on you or don't understand, that is incorrect. We have a collective opinion - not about YOU or YOUR situation or YOUR alcoholic - but about recovery and what it entails and how to start it and what some of the components are. We have seen what works. We are all still working on it.

Tell me, do you read other members' posts and learn about their situations and what worked for them? If you do, you will see the similarities of what can work for you.

Thumper

What do you think might have happened to him?

If in your heart of hearts you really think he is about to hurt himself you need to drop him off and leave, or call the police. Do not take him home. That is a very dangerous thing for both him and you. You will NOT be able to stop him from hurting himself if that is where his mind is at.

But maybe you don't think it will come to all that, to that extreme? So then what do you think might happen to him? What are you afraid of? Have you really thought through it or do you just have an over riding worry/fear. It might help to list it out specifically and then you may realize that nothing terrible will happen.

Do you not think he is like any other grown man with brains in his head and feet in his shoes? He knows how to use a phone, find help, get a meal. He *knows how*. He *can do it*. Doing for him, what he can do for himself, is robbing him of the dignity of taking care of himself....like adults do. You feel capable and useful - at his expense.

You saved him from staying to long in a bar. You saved him from being alone. You saved him from having to find a way home. You saved him from facing the reality of his alcoholism and bad behavior by spending a nice evening with him. You saved him from your boundaries by going to the pub in the first place. You saved him from having to deal with his depression by taking him home instead of calling the police or a mental health professional. You saved him from struggling through a hang over alone by pampering him. You saved him from himself.

You did not save him from alcohol. You did not save him from mental illness. You enabled him to keep doing today, exactly what he did yesterday.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I was right there with you. It is hard to wrap your brain around. Keep reading, be open to feedback, try not to become defensive or you can't hear the message. I know that is hard because there are people in my life that I react to and even though their message is sound, I actually find myself aruging against it.

I wish I knew how to send the message without causing you to be defensive about it but just keep reading. Do not give up. Seek understanding for yourself.

JenT1968

Hey there IWC,
I remember very well being completely confused about enabling and common human decency and responsibility for someone elses behaviour, it's not my fault if he choses to drink, but I'm selfish if I watch over him to make sure he doesn't kill himself?? wow, that feels very harsh.

I have to say the "getting out of the way so that they can hit bottom" it isn't a theory I subscribe to. I'm a big fan of the "getting out of the way so they stop landing on you" theory though. I don't think you are stopping him from hitting bottom, if you stopped doing these things, the odds are that he would find someone else to do them, because that is what we are told, constantly, and see, constantly, that addicts do. That in itself hurts and may be a reason that you keep doing the things you do, because you don't want to be replaced?

I don't think for a second you are selfish, I think you are doing the best you can given the world-view that you have. Unfortunately when dealing with someone addicted to a substance, many of the "rules" that many of us are taught don't apply: looking after someone who gets themselves into repeated situations because of or including alcohol/drugs, doesn't help them, not in the way that looking after someone who got chicken pox once does. It softens the blow, he is using you as a cushion to land from a great height onto, transfering the impact to you, crushing you time after time as he bounces off and repeats the behaviour.

Let me repeat though that isn't your fault, and here you are, confused, reaching out, trying to learn and make sense of it all, and that is to be applauded, it's how I started healing, and many other people here.

Dropping him at a mental health unit last time? great call. you did what you could live with at the time. Next time (if there is one) perhaps drop him there, wish him love and health and walk away, they won't release him unless its safe, and frankly the "he shouldn't be alone tonight" is an ass-covereing cop-out (and a cheap option for the hospital), and one I would not give them the opportunity of guilting you into. Unless you are a trained mental health worker, you do NOT have the skills, setting or back-up to watch over him if he is a danger to himself.

Or if you are feeling up to it, and have the support, if he calls or shows up, call 911 and let the professionals deal with the pick-up too. Or hand him a telephone number and let him make the call. Either of those are great choices. Going no contact might be an option to explore too, whatever it takes for you to drop the responsibility for HIS life: you can't make him pick those responsibilities up, but you can stop your life being overwhelmed with responsibilities that you can't hope to achieve and don't belong to you.

If he seriously means to harm himself, nothing, but nothing, you can do will stop him. Depression is horrible, horrible, I suffer from crushing episodes of it, every single time I have made the first step that has led to me getting out of it, that taking control of my own health and life was critical. That is clearly not true for everyone, but if you hand him to the professionals and they let him go, what does that say? however much they cover their backs with "he shouldn't be alone tonight". Think about the fact that they let him go with a "civilian".

he is not a helpless little lamb, on an island with no-one but you to help, there is a machine all poised just waiting for him to plug in and be helped, you took him to their door. leading horses to water etc....

I spent a looooooonnnnnnnnngggggg time doing the same things over, and over again, thinking if I just tried a *bit* harder, I could make the difference, tip the balance and we could have a wonderful partnership. 10 years later, I was still fighting the same fires, bigger ones actually, no amount of eloquent explaining, supporting, cajolling, screaming, crying, helping, gentle prodding, caring etc had made any difference, and I had worried myself into a terrible place. I read a diary entry from January last year, I was on my knees, my own dark thoughts of worthlessness nearly overwhelming me. What a waste of my life, please don't waste yours.

I'm sorry you feel worse, I can see how that might happen, I see your posts and my heart aches for you, I remember just how horrible and confusing it all was. I am so glad things are better for me now, things can be better for you too, just stick at it, you don't have to do it perfectly, and no-one else will be harmed if you don't get it "right". But you may well be, and we none of us want to see that.

sorry that was so long (()) What else is going on in your life right now?

iwantcontrol

thanks very much for replying - i do read a lot of posts on here without posting myself, and try to get a balanced viewpoint from all different stories. I will definitely keep going.
jent1968- your post moved me, thank you.
i guess things are just starting to make me more angry than upset at the moment - i can't always express that anger so i guess it makes me defensive. i will keep reading and thinking...