My weekend and more boundary issues
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My weekend and more boundary issues
Since I last wrote things have been strange – my ABF was sinking deeper and deeper into a major depressive episode which seems to be lasting longer than it has since i’ve known him. He is desperately depressed, and when he is on his own at his flat, things inevitably end up escalating to drinking and hanging around with ‘dodgy’ people in the area, and he doesn’t want to see me. He says he is ashamed of himself and how he feels and he isn’t in control.
I broke my boundary, about not seeing him when he’s been drinking, again but I think I did the right thing – he was coming to meet me on Saturday and I thought he was sober, but as I was waiting at the arranged place he called me and said that because i wasn’t there when he arrived, he went to the pub. I started panicking to myself, and almost didn’t go to this pub, but I knew somehow that I should, so I went there and he’d clearly had a few before he even got there (I couldn’t tell this on the phone). I was angry and I told him I was disappointed etc. Then he started behaving a little oddly (I’ve seen this before) and I knew that I had to get him somewhere quiet and safe so he could sort his head out, so I took him to my house. He was shouting, getting angry and upset, crying then trying to get away, but when I got him inside he just broke down. It is so heartbreaking to see. I let him sleep for a while and we ended up just having a nice relaxing evening together. He really is struggling with depression (and almost manic episodes like that) at the moment and just needed someone to look after him and keep him safe from himself for a while. I think I did the right thing, and am pretty sure I was acting like a ‘normal’ person and not a codie, but just need some reassurance.
I know it doesn’t excuse the drinking etc but I don’t know how to enforce these boundaries when the person is so in need of a friend and some support. He went home today and I am now at work – spoke on the phone and he’s drinking again I think. I will leave him to it unless he contacts me but I feel so harsh when he’s clearly suffering. It does make me so angry though that he’s drinking today because his depressive feelings aren’t going to go away if he continues this. I’m stuck wrestling with my conscience about this. Any advice?
I broke my boundary, about not seeing him when he’s been drinking, again but I think I did the right thing – he was coming to meet me on Saturday and I thought he was sober, but as I was waiting at the arranged place he called me and said that because i wasn’t there when he arrived, he went to the pub. I started panicking to myself, and almost didn’t go to this pub, but I knew somehow that I should, so I went there and he’d clearly had a few before he even got there (I couldn’t tell this on the phone). I was angry and I told him I was disappointed etc. Then he started behaving a little oddly (I’ve seen this before) and I knew that I had to get him somewhere quiet and safe so he could sort his head out, so I took him to my house. He was shouting, getting angry and upset, crying then trying to get away, but when I got him inside he just broke down. It is so heartbreaking to see. I let him sleep for a while and we ended up just having a nice relaxing evening together. He really is struggling with depression (and almost manic episodes like that) at the moment and just needed someone to look after him and keep him safe from himself for a while. I think I did the right thing, and am pretty sure I was acting like a ‘normal’ person and not a codie, but just need some reassurance.
I know it doesn’t excuse the drinking etc but I don’t know how to enforce these boundaries when the person is so in need of a friend and some support. He went home today and I am now at work – spoke on the phone and he’s drinking again I think. I will leave him to it unless he contacts me but I feel so harsh when he’s clearly suffering. It does make me so angry though that he’s drinking today because his depressive feelings aren’t going to go away if he continues this. I’m stuck wrestling with my conscience about this. Any advice?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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bless you for being so sweet, but going to the pub and bringing him home to let him sleep it off and being his "sounding board" is very codie behavior.
Non codie actions/ healhty actions: don't go meet him, don't call him and tell him you're free when he's sober.
You want so badly to help him, I know that, It hurts to see someone you love hurt and you want to save him. In the meantime, you will lose you while trying to save him.
My advice will always be the same to you, get into an Al Anon meeting and learn to be in control of you
hug
Non codie actions/ healhty actions: don't go meet him, don't call him and tell him you're free when he's sober.
You want so badly to help him, I know that, It hurts to see someone you love hurt and you want to save him. In the meantime, you will lose you while trying to save him.
My advice will always be the same to you, get into an Al Anon meeting and learn to be in control of you
hug
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Hi IWC, it almost sounds like he is bipolar. Has he seen a doctor about his depression? If he wont get professional help, you cant really help him. Sometimes its kinder to walk away, and make him responsible for his own life.
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I just think that due to his mental state at the time I couldn't just leave him there. When it has got really bad on a couple of occassions since we've been together, he had to be taken to hospital and I was worried that he might need to be taken on Saturday. Before, he has mentioned in those epsiodes, wanting to hurt himself or someone etc and I was genuinely worried for his and other peoples safety. I don't think it would have been the right thing to leave him there and I can't think of many people who would have just walked off in that situation.
I truly believe I did the right thing.
I truly believe I did the right thing.
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Unless he was threatening to kill himself, there was no reason to stay.
If he did threaten that, you call 911 and let them deal with it.
IWANT: let me ask you this, what do you think you can do for him to make him better?
If he did threaten that, you call 911 and let them deal with it.
IWANT: let me ask you this, what do you think you can do for him to make him better?
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He has been suffering for about 15 years with major clinical depression (unipolar), but I think it might also be mild bipolar too (these manic type episodes have only been occurring in the last year or so). He has been on tablets for years and they don’t seem to help much but then at the moment he is drinking, so they wont do. He sees a psychiatrist but not very often. He tells me his depression has never really been under control substantially, and he is always feeling its effects, although sometimes it is worse than others.
From reading up on depression, it is very helpful for the sufferer to have support there (and not just to leave someone to wallow and sink further down) and I just think that if he wasn’t drinking there wouldn’t seem anything wrong in me going to find him and taking him home, but because alcohol is involved does it have to be such a bad thing? If I’d just left him and he’d hurt himself or someone else, would that really be helpful to him? I let him suffer the consequences of his drinking, but that isn’t jsut a consequence of drinking, it is of being in a major depressive or manic episode.
Summerpeach - i can't make him better but I want to support him through his depression. Unfortunatly alcohol is also involved, but to me, it becomes a side issue when he is so deeply depressed.
From reading up on depression, it is very helpful for the sufferer to have support there (and not just to leave someone to wallow and sink further down) and I just think that if he wasn’t drinking there wouldn’t seem anything wrong in me going to find him and taking him home, but because alcohol is involved does it have to be such a bad thing? If I’d just left him and he’d hurt himself or someone else, would that really be helpful to him? I let him suffer the consequences of his drinking, but that isn’t jsut a consequence of drinking, it is of being in a major depressive or manic episode.
Summerpeach - i can't make him better but I want to support him through his depression. Unfortunatly alcohol is also involved, but to me, it becomes a side issue when he is so deeply depressed.
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Support can be helpful if the sufferer is trying to help himself. I don't see, and have never seen in all these months of you posting, where he is attempting to help himself. All I have seen is someone who chooses to live his life a certain way while you run around trying to change him.
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Originally Posted by iwantcontrol 
just needed someone to look after him and keep him safe from himself for a while.
Keeping someone safe from themselves is definitely codie behavior. It's called enabling, and as long as there is someone there to cushion his fall, he will continue to do the same thing. You can actually love an alcoholic to death by protecting them from their own consequences.
A good counselor can help you with this.
L
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IWANT: the one most valuable lesson Al Anon taught me was to let the addict fall on their own.
It's VERY selfish of us to help them since we don't let them find their bottom. If they cannot reach/find their bottom because of someone always in their "face" they will never heal
You owe it to him to stop being so selfish and let him find his bottom. No matter how much you're hurting. Its not about you in the least. His life, his recovery.
When I was told this, I was much more able to let go.
I can see you're fighting recovery for yourself. Change is the scariest thing a human has to face. More people are more afraid of change than death.
You can try to hold on all you want, you will never be able to grip long enough. Trust me on this.
Let go
It's VERY selfish of us to help them since we don't let them find their bottom. If they cannot reach/find their bottom because of someone always in their "face" they will never heal
You owe it to him to stop being so selfish and let him find his bottom. No matter how much you're hurting. Its not about you in the least. His life, his recovery.
When I was told this, I was much more able to let go.
I can see you're fighting recovery for yourself. Change is the scariest thing a human has to face. More people are more afraid of change than death.
You can try to hold on all you want, you will never be able to grip long enough. Trust me on this.
Let go
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The counsellor i saw a few months ago told me to focus on myself and on doing things i want, regardless of ABF, which i have been doing. When a similar situation happened months ago, she said I had done the right thing in helping him becuase it wasn't about the alcohol, it was about the depression. Maybe she's right, maybe she's wrong.
Most of the time he doesn't have me there and he survives, and rescues himself from situations, but I don't think I was enabling in this instance. When I took him to the mental health unit before after a worse manic type episode (and he'd had a drink), the nurse and psych both said I had done the right thing and that he shouldn't be left on his own that night when I took him home. It really wasn't about alcohol.
Most of the time he doesn't have me there and he survives, and rescues himself from situations, but I don't think I was enabling in this instance. When I took him to the mental health unit before after a worse manic type episode (and he'd had a drink), the nurse and psych both said I had done the right thing and that he shouldn't be left on his own that night when I took him home. It really wasn't about alcohol.
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If you want to help him then take him to a mental health unit each time. Taking him home with you is not helping him, although I can see why it feels like it. This is one time you really need to let your head do the thinking instead of your feelings. Taking a man in the middle of a mental health crisis to your home is not going to help him even if you were an actual psychiatrist.
Save yourself the dilema and just steer clear of him when he is drinking.
Save yourself the dilema and just steer clear of him when he is drinking.
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There are many mental health professionals in this world far more qualified to help an active, depressed alcoholic than I am.
I realize you think you are helping him, but in effect, he has absolutely zero reason to reach out to the professionals because you keep rescuing him.
As has already been said, it is possible to love an alcoholic to death.
I watched it firsthand in the small town I live in.
Until you let go of the illusion of control, and of the idea that you are the only one to help him, nothing will change, period.
If you are anything like I was, I couldn't imagine trying to define myself without an active alcoholic in my life.
Today, I can't imagine, nor will I return to the place of being involved with an active alcoholic.
I deserve better.
I realize you think you are helping him, but in effect, he has absolutely zero reason to reach out to the professionals because you keep rescuing him.
As has already been said, it is possible to love an alcoholic to death.
I watched it firsthand in the small town I live in.
Until you let go of the illusion of control, and of the idea that you are the only one to help him, nothing will change, period.
If you are anything like I was, I couldn't imagine trying to define myself without an active alcoholic in my life.
Today, I can't imagine, nor will I return to the place of being involved with an active alcoholic.
I deserve better.
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Even when i took him to the unit, they only talked to him for a while (once gave him lithium) and then told me to take him home and stay with him.
I am letting my head do the thinking though - I really do think it is the best thing to do, although if I know he's drinking I do try to stay clear.
I am letting my head do the thinking though - I really do think it is the best thing to do, although if I know he's drinking I do try to stay clear.
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he had been talking to the professionals by phone and they said come in if he needs to but he probably wouldn't be able to stay unless things got very severe. so he had been reaching out to them, and i wasn't doing it for him. It's not that i keep rescuing him, most of the time i don't see him when he's this low.
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As long as you keep doing the same things, he will keep doing the same things. Why would he stop? And, as long as you keep convincing yourself that you are doing the right thing and it's working for you, why would you stop?
When you've had enough, you'll stop. Until then, you won't. When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change, that's when we change.
L
When you've had enough, you'll stop. Until then, you won't. When the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear of change, that's when we change.
L
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My heart aches for you, I believen that I would of done the same thing. There is a difference between doing what is right and not being attached and being an enabler/codie. Us alc/codie tend to analyze way too much. I love an alcoholic too but when he has his pity parties I don't go, I changed the game! Just my humble opinion
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This is going to keep happening. He is going to get worse. You really ought to let him fall on his own.
You are spending so much of your energy on HIM You dont have that much YOU energy.
Even in your posts. I dont hear much about how you feel...Are you mad? Just pitying him?
You are spending so much of your energy on HIM You dont have that much YOU energy.
Even in your posts. I dont hear much about how you feel...Are you mad? Just pitying him?
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