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down and out (of everything)

Old 04-08-2010, 05:44 PM
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down and out (of everything)

My stbxah had his girlfriend go through the house and she found my 12 step book from a group we went to together after ah's second dui. They are now using it against me in court as leverage to gain custody of my baby. I have never been arrested, convicted or caught doing anything that I admitted to in that book (no legal ramifications), but I feel so violated. He said that he found the book on top of the garbage (at my house)-when I have been living with my parents 3000 miles away for almost 6 months. Interesting.

This whole divorce process is really weighing me down, we're talking atlest Lifetime Movie of the Week quality if not Hollywood blockbuster. Keeping my chin up while getting verbally, emotionally and financially abused every day for six months is all but impossible. All of the lawyers, lies, courts, judges, emotions, dealing with family-I just deleted all of his family from my FB account, will probably be questioned about it soon, read the post on boundaries, thought setting some new ones would help.

I'm starting to get really depressed. My life is in this holding pattern that gets more pressurized by the minute. I am trying really really hard, I have turned to my HP, but nothing seems to be helping right now.

I hate this part of my life. Any words of wisdom out there in SR?
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Old 04-08-2010, 05:48 PM
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"My stbxah had his girlfriend go through the house and she found my 12 step book from a group we went to together after ah's second dui. They are now using it against me in court as leverage to gain custody of my baby."

Wait, HIS dui's?

Can I ask how long you've been sober? If it's been a while and your active in recovery with a sponsor and support group, this isn't much leverage at all. If you're not working on recovery that's a whole other ball game.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:00 PM
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You can't be discriminated against for your association with a group. It's like, in the constitution and stuff. He's an idiot to even bring it up, considering his DUIs. Oh, so you got some DUIs and your wife thought getting into AA as a family was a good idea? Sounds good to me!
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:18 PM
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Oh, Rise Up, I'm sending you hugs and prayers and wishes for peace. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't have any advice but to remember you're fighting for your life (and your baby's) and YOU'RE WORTH IT.

Hang in there.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:19 PM
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with so much right now. It will be over. It won't last forever. You can do this, there is a promise of a better life at the end. **{hugs}}
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:41 PM
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It WILL get better. Like they say "take ONE day at a time". My divorce took 2 years. It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. But I can tell you, it WILL get better.
I prayed ALOT. I said thanks for everything, everyday, and ask for my HP guidance, strength and shelter. Hang in there. It WILL get better... matter of fact, your future will be WONDERFUL! It's just around the corner.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:46 PM
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I am not in recovery for alcoholism, I am not an alcoholic,(I don't say this in a denial sort of situation) I am however a recovering co-dependant, I really haven't done anything all that bad in my life and my childhood was pretty good. I had to really search for the "fearless moral inventory" They really have nothing against me, to use in court except the journal entries, but I still feel violated.
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:32 PM
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Please clarify. How could this 12 step material be used against you?
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Old 04-09-2010, 06:51 AM
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I honestly don't see how being a codie or being part of a 12 step program can be used against you. If anything, it is an indication that you are seeking treatment or help for something that you feel is detrimental to your existence.

My XAH also threatened to use the fact that I was once, 5 years ago, at a halfway house after a suicide attempt, and that I consulted various therapists for years before that. Heck, I've consulted therapists since I was raped at 14. I was so concerned about this that I spoke to a family court judge, who happened to be a family friend. He told that my use of psychosocial services was an indication of strength and maturity, and that it was nothing that could be used against me. Had I been on anti-psychotics for dangerous postpartum psychosis, it might have been a different story, but your involvement in Al-Anon is definitely nothing negative, IMO.
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Old 04-09-2010, 10:01 AM
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I think what the original poster meant was that she had journaled or written down some of her "bad acts" or "harmful behaviors" as part of working her program of recovery in this book, and it is her personal writings they are threatening to use against her. Is that right, RiseUp? Still think there's no way in hell a judge would take it seriously at all as any leverage against YOU, though.
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Old 04-09-2010, 11:54 AM
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Surely that book/journal is your property he has no write..to have unless he stole it? you can suggest callin the cops and havin him done for theft of personal belongings...
if he pushes his case..hopefully he,ll get the message..
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:28 PM
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Mambo Queen clarified it perfectly (thank you).

Because he lied, and said that he found it, specifically the 10 pages he has copied and supplied to the judge which were supposedly ripped out of the book, on top of the trash outside, it would/will be considered anybodys property. You can all imagine the barrage of lies coming out of his mouth. I had it in a nightstand cupboard by my side of the bed with a bunch of other books. Interestingly enough, the book I had on top of the nightstand was my Bible.

It is such a violation, I guess if this helps anyone else who may be in a situation like this to know to get rid of any journal you may have, or keep it in a sacred place.
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:43 AM
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hi hon.

yeah, you're really going through it all right.

So I'll be straight to the point.

STBAHBF can't pass a drug test.

you ... can.

keep it that way.
there's nothing that can come up in court
that he can do
when all your side has to demand
is a random drug test.

see to it that you can continue to pass said random test.

it can't get any simpler than that.

my exaaclh broke into my truck
broke open the glovebox
and read my journal.

there's a line in this book I read when I was like ...
seventeen or something
a zillion years ago

a book named "Illusions" by Richard Bach:

"Live your life...
so that anything you say or anything you do could be published around the world ....

...even if it isn't true."


I wish I could do more to help.
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:49 AM
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he's using your child as a weapon to hurt you.
a child he probably doesn't really want.

what he wants
is a way to get out of having to pay child support.

he's even pre-arranged who will be doing the caretaking -
the new drunk gf.

what this guy really cares about is money, honey.

my ex ranted and ranted about
how he was going to lie in court
and take my kids away from me.

he literally blackmailed me for years over that
using my fear of losing my kids
as a weapon.

finally one day he's threatening me and i just ... snapped.

I said
"fine. come get them. they'll be packed and ready to move in with you by six."

And i went and started packing up everything of my sons.

THEY freaked
they called him and started asking about moving in
when what were they going to do for a rooom....

I let it go. didn't get involved in their conversations.

Kids' dad didn't show up.

I never heard from him about taking my kids ... ever again.
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Old 04-10-2010, 08:03 AM
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I also called my xah on his threats about taking the kids. He new it was a powerful threat and it worked once to scare me off.

I finally told him it didn't bother me anymore. I'd take my chances and to do what he needed to do - I'd see him in court. He quit with that threat.
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Old 04-10-2010, 09:15 AM
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I really think its a sad state of Affairs...were grown Adults cant resolve there differences
Amicably...without blackmail intimidation bitterness,..clearly in most cases if the marriage isnt workin for one, it most likely wont be for the other...unless of course the other is in an abject state of selfishness/self medicating....and doesent give 2 hoots to what is happening in the real world...jus seems sad to see so much legal fees..lawyers/courts..injunctions/ uneccesary...financial costs..and mental greif that should an could have been resolved by honest grown ups..who need to move on...ahhh
if only life could be so simple....:wtf2
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Old 04-10-2010, 11:45 AM
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He already fixed a drug test he had his lawyers take into court, I'm pretty sure he has stopped for the time being, since he is in criminal court over domestic battery charges the state is bringing against him. Hoping and praying to GOD to keep my daughter safe, he'll get convicted.
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:15 PM
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Qoute: (My stbxah had his girlfriend go through the house and she found my 12 step book from a group we went to together after ah's second dui. They are now using it against me in court as leverage to gain custody of my baby.

Your AH has had at least 2 DUI's, and now the state is bringing criminal charges for domestic battery against him. His GF who was once in the same 12th step group with you, and is a drunk anyway, stole your journal from your home, and your AH has scanned and printed pages from it, and given it in as evidence.

For me, I would contest the right for those pages from my journal to be used, citing that GF stole them from your drawer, in your bedroom...not from a garbage heap.
I would ask they be sticken from the record.

Somehow I would not worry too much as the record of your AH is yukky, and if you did a check on his GF, I bet she doesn't come up roses either.

Just keep sweeping your pathway clean, and all will be well.

God bless
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Old 04-10-2010, 07:08 PM
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I only took one legal class so you my want to doublecheck this,,but since this was stolen from you..the police should be informed and you have the right to have it back. and the police should go and get it for you.. Even if they make copies,,I do not believe copies can be used in court and it would be illegal for her to copy it as it is yours...I would call your local police department and ask them to get those back. Even after the court case, you did not realize they were stolen...once they are reported stolen asap I think they may be inadmissable especially when the judge gets a copy of the police report. I am not a lawyer but this is what I got out of my legal class So the police should be able to give you proper answers for free. Hope this helps!
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Old 04-10-2010, 07:11 PM
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lulu,
i think you got it there. hang them with their own petard i say!
damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!
okay, another topic.

using your guilt and shame is the lowest of the low, and this will come back to bite both of them so big they will have to lean to walk.
keep doing the right thing RiseUp, it is the only way to keep things on the right path.
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