How do you stick to your guns?
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
How do you stick to your guns?
Hello,
I have not posted on this board in years, but it was always a place I felt safe and received wonderful input and information. So, I am back and I have a question....
When you decide it is time to go your seperate ways (divorce) how do you stick to your guns?
A little background. DH is a recovering crack addict 5 years clean, recovering alcoholic 4 years clean...I have been all over as far as Nar Anon, Al Anon, CoDa, ADA, you name the support group I have attended. I have read book after book, I have practiced yoga, tried 8 diffferent counselors in 5 years, I have pretty much tried everything I could to change but the bottom line is that I am just not able to forgive, trust and participate in a loving relationship. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter about 3 years ago, recently I discovered he was having another affair. Although I was heartbroken, I was not shocked or suprised as I have lived my life with him very cautiously, never really able to let my guard down or be myself.
Now we are parents of 2 little ones, ages 3 and 5. I do not think it's healthy for our children to see the lack of trust, emptiness and obvious disregard we have for each other. I came from the exact same type of family, and I know I need to stop the cycle.
The trouble is, I have filed for divorce 2 times before and have been unable to follow through. My DH manipulative ways, sweet sentiments, promises things will be different always keep me coming back for more in the hopes that we will have the family I have always wanted. Clearly this is not going to happen.
I am the sole provider, I pay all of the bills, mortgage, our car payments, utilities, spending money etc. My DH does not contribute anything to our family, because he is unemployed. I hold the health insurance, own the home, the cars everything so for me this is a clean break and I can go on not skipping a beat...
I am filing this week, he is living in the home... He has obviously realized that I am serious and that his "Easy Street" life is about to come to a screeching hault. So he has started with the promises, the manipulations, the lets go to counseling, the I love you so much, the I will change and blah blah blah.....Gosh, addicts are SO good at that aren't they? No matter how strong I think I am he can always get into my head and mess with it.....
I know it's time to sever ties, I am not a happy person, I am not getting ANYTHING emotonially from this relationship...
So back to my original question....How do you stick to your guns?
Tricks? Tips? Tactics? Any advice appreciated.
God Bless.
I have not posted on this board in years, but it was always a place I felt safe and received wonderful input and information. So, I am back and I have a question....
When you decide it is time to go your seperate ways (divorce) how do you stick to your guns?
A little background. DH is a recovering crack addict 5 years clean, recovering alcoholic 4 years clean...I have been all over as far as Nar Anon, Al Anon, CoDa, ADA, you name the support group I have attended. I have read book after book, I have practiced yoga, tried 8 diffferent counselors in 5 years, I have pretty much tried everything I could to change but the bottom line is that I am just not able to forgive, trust and participate in a loving relationship. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter about 3 years ago, recently I discovered he was having another affair. Although I was heartbroken, I was not shocked or suprised as I have lived my life with him very cautiously, never really able to let my guard down or be myself.
Now we are parents of 2 little ones, ages 3 and 5. I do not think it's healthy for our children to see the lack of trust, emptiness and obvious disregard we have for each other. I came from the exact same type of family, and I know I need to stop the cycle.
The trouble is, I have filed for divorce 2 times before and have been unable to follow through. My DH manipulative ways, sweet sentiments, promises things will be different always keep me coming back for more in the hopes that we will have the family I have always wanted. Clearly this is not going to happen.
I am the sole provider, I pay all of the bills, mortgage, our car payments, utilities, spending money etc. My DH does not contribute anything to our family, because he is unemployed. I hold the health insurance, own the home, the cars everything so for me this is a clean break and I can go on not skipping a beat...
I am filing this week, he is living in the home... He has obviously realized that I am serious and that his "Easy Street" life is about to come to a screeching hault. So he has started with the promises, the manipulations, the lets go to counseling, the I love you so much, the I will change and blah blah blah.....Gosh, addicts are SO good at that aren't they? No matter how strong I think I am he can always get into my head and mess with it.....
I know it's time to sever ties, I am not a happy person, I am not getting ANYTHING emotonially from this relationship...
So back to my original question....How do you stick to your guns?
Tricks? Tips? Tactics? Any advice appreciated.
God Bless.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Just ideas. Not much experience!
1. Keep a list of his abuses toward you. Things he's done and said. Look at it regularly to remind yourself, no matter how sweet he is, those things are NOT OKAY and he hasn't DONE anything to show they won't happen again...so they WILL happen again, unless you protect yourself!
2. Have someone live to be a support. A mentor, a friend, a parent, a sponsor - whatever - that can know your intention and you can check in with them regularly. They can support you and remind you of your intention when you are feeling weak.
3. Have a way of reminding yourself of alcoholic quacking (a self note? a sticky? a ribbon on your finger? a word written on your hand?) and WORK/practice to keep it at the forefront of your mind when you talk to him. What is it? Reminder: alcoholics quack. They try to keep you stuck. But it's all talk and no action so it's just b.s. Ignore it.
4. Develop that consciousness when around others to step back and look and listen like a neutral observer to what is happening and what is being said (you and the other). Think about it. Practice regularly. Consider meditation (there are many types from many different spiritual disciplines), which is a practice is non-judgment and observation of self.
4. Have a scheduled, regular self-love ritual. A bath and reading of Codie No More, tea and writing in your appreciation/goal journal, regular jog and listen to Louise Hay (or Wayne Dyer or Tony Robbins, etc.) on the Ipod, time on SR - whatever - that will regularly remind you to bring your energies home and listen to and trust and honor you.
5. Have your bottom line/deal breaker list out and look at it regularly to remind yourself, no matter how sweet he talks, you are going to get your needs met or go elsewhere.
(((froglegs)))
1. Keep a list of his abuses toward you. Things he's done and said. Look at it regularly to remind yourself, no matter how sweet he is, those things are NOT OKAY and he hasn't DONE anything to show they won't happen again...so they WILL happen again, unless you protect yourself!
2. Have someone live to be a support. A mentor, a friend, a parent, a sponsor - whatever - that can know your intention and you can check in with them regularly. They can support you and remind you of your intention when you are feeling weak.
3. Have a way of reminding yourself of alcoholic quacking (a self note? a sticky? a ribbon on your finger? a word written on your hand?) and WORK/practice to keep it at the forefront of your mind when you talk to him. What is it? Reminder: alcoholics quack. They try to keep you stuck. But it's all talk and no action so it's just b.s. Ignore it.
4. Develop that consciousness when around others to step back and look and listen like a neutral observer to what is happening and what is being said (you and the other). Think about it. Practice regularly. Consider meditation (there are many types from many different spiritual disciplines), which is a practice is non-judgment and observation of self.
4. Have a scheduled, regular self-love ritual. A bath and reading of Codie No More, tea and writing in your appreciation/goal journal, regular jog and listen to Louise Hay (or Wayne Dyer or Tony Robbins, etc.) on the Ipod, time on SR - whatever - that will regularly remind you to bring your energies home and listen to and trust and honor you.
5. Have your bottom line/deal breaker list out and look at it regularly to remind yourself, no matter how sweet he talks, you are going to get your needs met or go elsewhere.
(((froglegs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
I haven't really had a hard time sticking to my guns because nothing ever changes. Mine never ever sweet talks me, instead she dishes a regular dose of blame, projection, lying and denial. Nothing changes and I feel everyday it is an affront to my person what my exagf has done to me, to her family and to her friends.
I know it's not much help except to say, be mindful of continued abuses. As long as there is no concrete change, everything they do is merely a platitude.
I know it's not much help except to say, be mindful of continued abuses. As long as there is no concrete change, everything they do is merely a platitude.
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by Duped 
I haven't really had a hard time sticking to my guns because nothing ever changes. Mine never ever sweet talks me, instead she dishes a regular dose of blame, projection, lying and denial. Nothing changes and I feel everyday it is an affront to my person what my exagf has done to me, to her family and to her friends.
I know it's not much help except to say, be mindful of continued abuses. As long as there is no concrete change, everything they do is merely a platitude.
I know it's not much help except to say, be mindful of continued abuses. As long as there is no concrete change, everything they do is merely a platitude.
Yep, same deal here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Sounds like the one you need to be sweet talked and manipulated by is your own self.
There were many moments when I was in the throws of leaving my XABF that I thought I could not make it on my own. I was so ready to throw in the towel at times because it was just so damn hard to go up against his behavior day after day and still face the fear I had of the unknown. Could I support myself? Could I make it emotionally alone?
Something that worked for me was to create as much distance as I could from him. He couldn't work much magic on a moving target, I thought. I refused discussion with him about anything other than when he was leaving, what items was he throwing out, did he need more boxes. When I would start to crack, I would leave the room and give my own self a pinch and remind myself that I have made this committment to leave, I've written about it on SR, I've told family and friends, I don't have a say anymore the bell has been rung.
Over the course of a month (from the time he was let go from his job and we lost our housing) I pushed myself to not give in. I had fears he would hang off the back of the moving truck as I rolled away, fears he would hunt me down and insist I support him, fears he would hold my beloved pets hostage and beg me not to leave. All things I didn't think I could stand up against. None of them happened and I prevailed.
I agree with Anvil, commit to paper, commit it to other people, and commit it to your HP that this is it.....then kick his a** out of the house. You pay for it, he doesn't. If he won't leave, then you leave. He can't support himself there without you, right. He'll have to move on to one of his other ladies or friends or whomever. The gravy train is pulling out. The wheels of fait cannot be halted.
We are here for you. Keep posting and keep your own promisses to yourself and forget his.
Alice
There were many moments when I was in the throws of leaving my XABF that I thought I could not make it on my own. I was so ready to throw in the towel at times because it was just so damn hard to go up against his behavior day after day and still face the fear I had of the unknown. Could I support myself? Could I make it emotionally alone?
Something that worked for me was to create as much distance as I could from him. He couldn't work much magic on a moving target, I thought. I refused discussion with him about anything other than when he was leaving, what items was he throwing out, did he need more boxes. When I would start to crack, I would leave the room and give my own self a pinch and remind myself that I have made this committment to leave, I've written about it on SR, I've told family and friends, I don't have a say anymore the bell has been rung.
Over the course of a month (from the time he was let go from his job and we lost our housing) I pushed myself to not give in. I had fears he would hang off the back of the moving truck as I rolled away, fears he would hunt me down and insist I support him, fears he would hold my beloved pets hostage and beg me not to leave. All things I didn't think I could stand up against. None of them happened and I prevailed.
I agree with Anvil, commit to paper, commit it to other people, and commit it to your HP that this is it.....then kick his a** out of the house. You pay for it, he doesn't. If he won't leave, then you leave. He can't support himself there without you, right. He'll have to move on to one of his other ladies or friends or whomever. The gravy train is pulling out. The wheels of fait cannot be halted.
We are here for you. Keep posting and keep your own promisses to yourself and forget his.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by froglegs
Anvilhead.....
Ouch...thanks for the slap of reality! I needed that!
Good idea to write things down, I will do that!
Ouch...thanks for the slap of reality! I needed that!
Good idea to write things down, I will do that!
PROS
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
CONS
1. He's unemployed
2. You bring home all the bacon
3. He's an abusive drunk
4. He brings nothing to the family; contributes nothing....
5. He cheats on you
6. Sounds like you take care of all the responsibilities.
Um, something looks out of balance and I've likely only scratched the surface here. You seem to be, much like I was, not in a 50%-50% relationship, more like 90%-10%.
Not sure I would take that deal myself, although I once did, and she actually had me believing it was a good deal.....at least, for a while......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
What I did (and I was in a similar position).
1) Make a plan - when I was clear headed. I attached reasons for each step. Reasons I could remind myself about when I was being crushed by feelings of doubt, guilt, or worry.
2) Read here a lot.
3) Posted here when needed support or someone to help lift the fog.
4) Read books.
5) Re-read my posts here.
6) Just wait a little longer. One more day, and one more day. It seemed like an eternity but just one more day. I kept reminding myself that this day/week/month/year would not last forever.
7) If you wait long enough most likely there will be less sweet talk manipulation and more mean/blaming/ugly manipulation. That was a little more honest. That kind of makes a person mad, which can be a quite useful emotion at times.
8) I felt like I needed to respond to his blather. That was hard for me because I'm not articulate on the spot like that and he knows how to manipulate me very well after 16 years. My counselor suggested I write out some one line things I could say. This helped me a lot and you know what - I didn't even say them.
9) I wish I would have taken a stronger legal stand to make him get out of the house and stay out. He wouldn't leave and that was a truly awful time.
1) Make a plan - when I was clear headed. I attached reasons for each step. Reasons I could remind myself about when I was being crushed by feelings of doubt, guilt, or worry.
2) Read here a lot.
3) Posted here when needed support or someone to help lift the fog.
4) Read books.
5) Re-read my posts here.
6) Just wait a little longer. One more day, and one more day. It seemed like an eternity but just one more day. I kept reminding myself that this day/week/month/year would not last forever.
7) If you wait long enough most likely there will be less sweet talk manipulation and more mean/blaming/ugly manipulation. That was a little more honest. That kind of makes a person mad, which can be a quite useful emotion at times.
8) I felt like I needed to respond to his blather. That was hard for me because I'm not articulate on the spot like that and he knows how to manipulate me very well after 16 years. My counselor suggested I write out some one line things I could say. This helped me a lot and you know what - I didn't even say them.
9) I wish I would have taken a stronger legal stand to make him get out of the house and stay out. He wouldn't leave and that was a truly awful time.
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
I love you guys.
Well, I have asked him to leave. Unfortunately he will not. He received some legal advice that if he does that is considered abandonment...so....He also watches our daughter and gets our son off and on the bus for school....I told him that I would be happy to take my daughter to him at his moms house (right by my work) and send my son to before and after school care, but he thinks it's better to stay put (of course)
Today I received a text message that he has hooked back up with his old substance abuse counselor, on the track to getting his drivers license back (add this to the list, eh) and is going to get back on his ADD meds....
Geez all of the things I have been recommending he do for..oh like 2 years...done with the threat of divorce...that's pretty convenient don't you think?
Anyway, I am going to check in from time to time...I really appreciate all of the feedback. I am going to start my list tonight, and try really hard to stick to my guns. I am 33 years old..I have a lot of living to do...right?
Thanks for the inspiration....please know you really helped someone out today!
Well, I have asked him to leave. Unfortunately he will not. He received some legal advice that if he does that is considered abandonment...so....He also watches our daughter and gets our son off and on the bus for school....I told him that I would be happy to take my daughter to him at his moms house (right by my work) and send my son to before and after school care, but he thinks it's better to stay put (of course)
Today I received a text message that he has hooked back up with his old substance abuse counselor, on the track to getting his drivers license back (add this to the list, eh) and is going to get back on his ADD meds....
Geez all of the things I have been recommending he do for..oh like 2 years...done with the threat of divorce...that's pretty convenient don't you think?
Anyway, I am going to check in from time to time...I really appreciate all of the feedback. I am going to start my list tonight, and try really hard to stick to my guns. I am 33 years old..I have a lot of living to do...right?
Thanks for the inspiration....please know you really helped someone out today!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Clearly this is not going to happen.
Remember you dont need him
and if that doesnt work, look into your childrens eyes, and ask yourself do they need to see that you can be dishonest adn the other things you mentioned and get away with it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
One other thing I did. I repeated to myself mostly (but to him some as well) be changed and then we'll talk. Go become the person that you say you are. Do the things you say you will do. That is the person I will go to counseling with.
Of course we are divorced now so you can see what he thought of that idea but it did help to keep me focused. Ignore the talk, look at the actions.
ETA: I'd get your own legal advice.
Of course we are divorced now so you can see what he thought of that idea but it did help to keep me focused. Ignore the talk, look at the actions.
ETA: I'd get your own legal advice.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Everything above
1) talk to your own lawyer
2) get your own counsellor, tell them you are afraid you'll back down, let them help you through it, call you on any "wishful thinking"
3) take TIME to make any decisions, (as in, don't make any decisions/promises within a conversation with your other half, say: I need to think about that, cool off, get back to them later, deconstruct it: this enabled me to make the right decisoins for me rather than falling into old patterns)
4) allow yourself to go back on your word (if you do promise to try counselling/go for a meal whatever, and later-on you regret that, it's A-OK to change your mind and act on that)
5) go at your pace, whatever that is: he will not like your pace, however quick/slow it is:
6) remember he will not validate your choices and reasons and decisions, you have to do that yourself and find other resources, if you are lonely, sad, afraid, don't turn to him, turn to friends, family, your HP (if you have one), your community.
7) it will be up and down, you will feel many emotions, if you think this is a wrong path at any point, get still, breathe deep, re-read your experiences, get your memories straight, and pause. Don't turn the progress backwards, just pause until you are sure you are not acting out of fear.
1) talk to your own lawyer
2) get your own counsellor, tell them you are afraid you'll back down, let them help you through it, call you on any "wishful thinking"
3) take TIME to make any decisions, (as in, don't make any decisions/promises within a conversation with your other half, say: I need to think about that, cool off, get back to them later, deconstruct it: this enabled me to make the right decisoins for me rather than falling into old patterns)
4) allow yourself to go back on your word (if you do promise to try counselling/go for a meal whatever, and later-on you regret that, it's A-OK to change your mind and act on that)
5) go at your pace, whatever that is: he will not like your pace, however quick/slow it is:
6) remember he will not validate your choices and reasons and decisions, you have to do that yourself and find other resources, if you are lonely, sad, afraid, don't turn to him, turn to friends, family, your HP (if you have one), your community.
7) it will be up and down, you will feel many emotions, if you think this is a wrong path at any point, get still, breathe deep, re-read your experiences, get your memories straight, and pause. Don't turn the progress backwards, just pause until you are sure you are not acting out of fear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by JenT1968
E
3) take TIME to make any decisions, (as in, don't make any decisions/promises within a conversation with your other half, say: I need to think about that, cool off, get back to them later, deconstruct it: this enabled me to make the right decisoins for me rather than falling into old patterns)
4) allow yourself to go back on your word (if you do promise to try counselling/go for a meal whatever, and later-on you regret that, it's A-OK to change your mind and act on that)
3) take TIME to make any decisions, (as in, don't make any decisions/promises within a conversation with your other half, say: I need to think about that, cool off, get back to them later, deconstruct it: this enabled me to make the right decisoins for me rather than falling into old patterns)
4) allow yourself to go back on your word (if you do promise to try counselling/go for a meal whatever, and later-on you regret that, it's A-OK to change your mind and act on that)
I did change my mind on a few things. xah was (and sometimes still is) relentless about that but you know what -
- his yacking got boring. If the first decision was wrong, I'd refuse to feel bad about correcting it. It just taught me to pay more attention to the one right above it. Take time to make decisions.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Once the trust was gone.........it was over for me.........dealbreaker..........infidelity........ ....over..........couldn't ever trust him again.......and I had seen my Mom go through it so.......and if he isn't providing for his family...... couldn't be on that merry--go-round anymore......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Originally Posted by froglegs
Hello,
I have not posted on this board in years, but it was always a place I felt safe and received wonderful input and information. So, I am back and I have a question....
When you decide it is time to go your seperate ways (divorce) how do you stick to your guns?
A little background. DH is a recovering crack addict 5 years clean, recovering alcoholic 4 years clean...I have been all over as far as Nar Anon, Al Anon, CoDa, ADA, you name the support group I have attended. I have read book after book, I have practiced yoga, tried 8 diffferent counselors in 5 years, I have pretty much tried everything I could to change but the bottom line is that I am just not able to forgive, trust and participate in a loving relationship. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter about 3 years ago, recently I discovered he was having another affair. Although I was heartbroken, I was not shocked or suprised as I have lived my life with him very cautiously, never really able to let my guard down or be myself.
Now we are parents of 2 little ones, ages 3 and 5. I do not think it's healthy for our children to see the lack of trust, emptiness and obvious disregard we have for each other. I came from the exact same type of family, and I know I need to stop the cycle.
The trouble is, I have filed for divorce 2 times before and have been unable to follow through. My DH manipulative ways, sweet sentiments, promises things will be different always keep me coming back for more in the hopes that we will have the family I have always wanted. Clearly this is not going to happen.
I am the sole provider, I pay all of the bills, mortgage, our car payments, utilities, spending money etc. My DH does not contribute anything to our family, because he is unemployed. I hold the health insurance, own the home, the cars everything so for me this is a clean break and I can go on not skipping a beat...
I am filing this week, he is living in the home... He has obviously realized that I am serious and that his "Easy Street" life is about to come to a screeching hault. So he has started with the promises, the manipulations, the lets go to counseling, the I love you so much, the I will change and blah blah blah.....Gosh, addicts are SO good at that aren't they? No matter how strong I think I am he can always get into my head and mess with it.....
I know it's time to sever ties, I am not a happy person, I am not getting ANYTHING emotonially from this relationship...
So back to my original question....How do you stick to your guns?
Tricks? Tips? Tactics? Any advice appreciated.
God Bless.
I have not posted on this board in years, but it was always a place I felt safe and received wonderful input and information. So, I am back and I have a question....
When you decide it is time to go your seperate ways (divorce) how do you stick to your guns?
A little background. DH is a recovering crack addict 5 years clean, recovering alcoholic 4 years clean...I have been all over as far as Nar Anon, Al Anon, CoDa, ADA, you name the support group I have attended. I have read book after book, I have practiced yoga, tried 8 diffferent counselors in 5 years, I have pretty much tried everything I could to change but the bottom line is that I am just not able to forgive, trust and participate in a loving relationship. My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our daughter about 3 years ago, recently I discovered he was having another affair. Although I was heartbroken, I was not shocked or suprised as I have lived my life with him very cautiously, never really able to let my guard down or be myself.
Now we are parents of 2 little ones, ages 3 and 5. I do not think it's healthy for our children to see the lack of trust, emptiness and obvious disregard we have for each other. I came from the exact same type of family, and I know I need to stop the cycle.
The trouble is, I have filed for divorce 2 times before and have been unable to follow through. My DH manipulative ways, sweet sentiments, promises things will be different always keep me coming back for more in the hopes that we will have the family I have always wanted. Clearly this is not going to happen.
I am the sole provider, I pay all of the bills, mortgage, our car payments, utilities, spending money etc. My DH does not contribute anything to our family, because he is unemployed. I hold the health insurance, own the home, the cars everything so for me this is a clean break and I can go on not skipping a beat...
I am filing this week, he is living in the home... He has obviously realized that I am serious and that his "Easy Street" life is about to come to a screeching hault. So he has started with the promises, the manipulations, the lets go to counseling, the I love you so much, the I will change and blah blah blah.....Gosh, addicts are SO good at that aren't they? No matter how strong I think I am he can always get into my head and mess with it.....
I know it's time to sever ties, I am not a happy person, I am not getting ANYTHING emotonially from this relationship...
So back to my original question....How do you stick to your guns?
Tricks? Tips? Tactics? Any advice appreciated.
God Bless.
What helps me to stick to my guns is to keep it simple; so simple that all the stress and emotions can't get in my way.
When I'm focused this way; I don't allow myself to get bogged down, distracted or sidelined by details or the circumstances associated with the insanity of addiction/alcoholism/disfunction ...or whatever else...fill in the blank.
This is about you and those two little children who are in your care. That's all....taking care of yourself and your kids is well within your ability.
I'm glad you posted and hope you will continue to come by to share.
You can carve out a better life for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: new york
Posts: 227
How do you stick to your guns?
Ask yourself one question - What does he have to offer me????
And leave love out of it. Love is only one part of a succesful relationship.
I loved my 9 yr old dog dearly until it bit one of my kids. I got rid of the dog with no questions.
Ask yourself one question - What does he have to offer me????
And leave love out of it. Love is only one part of a succesful relationship.
I loved my 9 yr old dog dearly until it bit one of my kids. I got rid of the dog with no questions.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 56
Listen to your instincts.
Do what it is saying first and foremost.
Dont listen to those voices in your head that try and argue with your instinct.
Keep your head clear, dont let any other influences persuade you to change your mind and if that doesnt work think about your children and the kind of life they deserve.
Put yourself first. You only have one life, one life to be loved, happy and cherished. This man has already taken away enough from you.
He only wants you to stay because he would not be able to cope without you if you were gone. Thats HIS problem not yours.
When I left my husband, I knew I had enough. He wasnt an A but a sex addict/sociopath. When enough is enough you will know.
Do what it is saying first and foremost.
Dont listen to those voices in your head that try and argue with your instinct.
Keep your head clear, dont let any other influences persuade you to change your mind and if that doesnt work think about your children and the kind of life they deserve.
Put yourself first. You only have one life, one life to be loved, happy and cherished. This man has already taken away enough from you.
He only wants you to stay because he would not be able to cope without you if you were gone. Thats HIS problem not yours.
When I left my husband, I knew I had enough. He wasnt an A but a sex addict/sociopath. When enough is enough you will know.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
I looked at how long you have been treading water with this guy and I have to say, he has put you through a lot. When you have had enough, is when you will put a stop to it. It is hard, but do-able.
I walked a lot, read a LOT, and I journal everything. I have 4 different journals going, one that has to do with the terrible abuse suffered, one is letters of gratitude, one is of new relationships and advice gotten from here, and from friends, and one is just tidbits of why I deserve to be happy and content.
But the first thing I had to really do is forgive myself. I still have to do that some days. You are a lot further then many of us were. You pay all the bills now, so it won't be a big surprise to you when you are paying them without that abscess living in your home.
Good luck.. it is time..
I walked a lot, read a LOT, and I journal everything. I have 4 different journals going, one that has to do with the terrible abuse suffered, one is letters of gratitude, one is of new relationships and advice gotten from here, and from friends, and one is just tidbits of why I deserve to be happy and content.
But the first thing I had to really do is forgive myself. I still have to do that some days. You are a lot further then many of us were. You pay all the bills now, so it won't be a big surprise to you when you are paying them without that abscess living in your home.
Good luck.. it is time..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Abandonment????
So his previous drug and alcohol use wasn't Abandonment????
Cheating on you, when pregnant and recently wasn't Abandonment????
What the heck does he provide, do for you, or contribute that would in any way cause you to feel abandoned if he left?
Sheer relief, enjoyment of peace and contentment YES, please....
I pray he abandons you very, very soon.
God bless
So his previous drug and alcohol use wasn't Abandonment????
Cheating on you, when pregnant and recently wasn't Abandonment????
What the heck does he provide, do for you, or contribute that would in any way cause you to feel abandoned if he left?
Sheer relief, enjoyment of peace and contentment YES, please....
I pray he abandons you very, very soon.
God bless
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