12stepnchick

Today was a Tuesday in all rights, but much better after having read all of your ESH. Thank you so much.

The virus is almost gone and the Dr called me in some pain meds for the fibro...of course with pain meds one has to use caution, me probally moreso as addiction scares the bejeezes outta me. My arms wouldn't work well today, a lot of muscle pain, and I had the overwelming desire to just let them lay in my lap as I drove home, and I did-one arm at a time-lol

Came home and cried like a baby.....cried because I felt guilty about being so snippy with everyone lately especially my son, cried because I hate feeling so worthless, cried because I can't remember anything like I used to, cried because I'm angry this is happening to me, and cried because, like a fool, a bit fool I miss my exabf, especially this time of year.

I thought about him today all day, in between bouts of self pity and anger, and the past. I'm angry about what happened between him and I, very angry. After 11 years of going it alone , staying out of relationships and keeping my walls high.... why then would any HP bring this man into my life, and let me fall for him? This man was kind, generous, loving, all the things a little girl looks for in her prince....until the end he literally called me and treated me like a princess.
WHY would a HP bring this kind of love into my life, let me feel it, and know it and want it, and then in the blink of an eye take it away???? And I've been told that HP always replaces what He takes with something even better-well ya know what? I don't think He can-I think He made a mistake and there is never going to be any better in my life. Why is the ex allowed to move on in his life unscathed as though we never loved at all........and that he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone in his life and then BAM!.....be off living a whole new life with someone else??? Why is my HP so angry with me that he'd let me hurt like this? Not just hurt like this but allow it to go on for the past year, after I've asked Him repeatedly to just take the memories and pain away? I forget everything else it seems but not this man, not the memories we made.
I know I am not looking at this the right way, I'm looking through a broken heart and one that feels betrayed, I'm looking at it through tired bones and a body that feels as though it belongs to someone twice my age, I'm looking at it without a program,
which is why I'm here, posting this.....because I know that here......someone, somewhere, has probally felt the same at some time or another and can make me see this in a new light and can take away some of this hurt and help me find my way back....I need to find my way back and far away from this void I feel right now of anger, self pity and resentment.

thank you for taking the time to read this....this is a wonderful site with so much to offer.........for that I am grateful...

wanting

I definitely felt all those feelings for a long time. But I think that question, the title of your post, is one of the most important questions I earnestly sought to answer for myself. Why would HP do this? At first, I asked it angrily, from a place of utter heartbreak. But after a while, I started asking, why WOULD HP do this? What is the lesson? I believe that God wants us to heal, to thrive, to reach our fullest potential. And I can't tell you what the lesson is in your situation. That's for you to answer. I know that for me, I was not a whole person before I met AH. I carried all of my childhood baggage around with me. I had rejection and abandonment issues (my father abandoned me after my mother died when I was 3), and as an adult, I didn't want to take responsibility for my own life. I wanted to be saved by a knight in shining armor. And for a while, AH saved me. But God was not content to let me go on living as a broken person. He wanted me to heal and thrive and reach my fullest potential. So my knight in shining armor rejected me and abandoned me, and it was probably the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I had to face that reality and get to a place where I truly, truly feel that HE is the one missing out on my awesomeness. (Can I get a high five?) I had to get to a place where I KNOW I'll thrive and be happy.

barb dwyer

Okay. Just let's hang on a minute.


okay?

You're hyurting right now and that's the BEST time to come on here and 'spew' because we learn what it is we're hiding from ourselves.

Now, I've just seen something I'm going to point out to ya.


Number one:

I think maybe you've confsed your HP with a Fairy Godmother.
Okay?
There's one majot thing about that inner connection thing.

one ....
is a connection with the Universal Livingness.

the other ...
exists only in fiction.

Okay?

So take a moment and get straight in yer head just WHO you're praying TO.

SECOND-

It is not in the nature of the Infinite to remove lessons.
It is the Nature of the Infinite to make everything an opportunity of knowledge.

So you're asking the Infinite to remove ...
that which you most need to learn right now.

That's like writing a check ....
then stopping payment.

WHen we pray to the HP asking for a new car,
for example -
a new car more than likely isn't going to go POOF!
And appear in the driveway.
BUT -
IF I PAY ATTENTION -
the Infinite will guide my chooices
so that I will, an a short amount of time ,
begin to see cars for sale at amazingprices...
I gbegin to have opportunities to put away more money than normal....

see?

It's my chouices that make the opportunity.

We were gifted co-creatorship in this world.
That means - we work WITH the Infinite
we do not succeed when we try to direct what we're being sent to learn
or when we superimpose what WE want over what is most beneficial for all involved.

So I can tell you with fari certainty
that Creator is sending you only opportunities to learn.
An opportuinity to become more ... than you are right now.
The Creator will never EVER
send you the opportunity
to become less.

Ever.

Just something to chew on for a while.
Hope that helps!

barb dwyer

*high five toWanting* well done!

transformyself

Because HP love you so much, he wants to give you ample opportunity to change, learn, grow and become a better person.

suki44883

It's always possible your HP didn't have anything to do with it. When we screw up, it's usually because we're not listening to our HP.

BuffaloGal

Hugs! I have spent my time raging at God myself; he allowed my mother to die in a freak accident when I was 8. So I've been that route. My answer from my HP was this: "Nothing in your life has ever happened to you without your consent." (That was the response to me; I don't apply it to everyone else's life.)

But-- and I ask this gently-- were there no signs of trouble to come? HP doesn't allow or prohibit us from falling for anyone specific. We do that for ourselves, and, as far as I can tell, HP or whoever is in charge tends to leave us human beings with a whole lot of free will and leeway to make mistakes.

And I can say with more certainty, that based on my experience of the human condition, your ex will not be making his merry way free of consequences for the rest of his life, no matter what it looks like at the moment.