Dating The Boy Toy
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hey Cowgirl
Yes I have experienced that same lonliness as you. That yearning for someone that really loves me.
When AH and I were seperated summer of 2008, I dated and it was a disaster! I was triggered all the time. Still grieving. I couldn't even see the men I dated, see them for who they were. I was so screwed up. oh they lined up and I for a minute there was on a date or two every week with a new guy. But I hated it! I was uncomfortable and it triggered me so badly, thinking about AH and his affair partner.
So I stopped. Dating that is. Then AH and I tried to reconcile. Then I left him. But I haven't even thought about dating. No way. In fact, I recently realized that happy couples no longer trigger me. They make me happy! I'll have that someday, when its right, I would think instead of going to the bathroom to cry.
Recently, I found myself attracted to another man and thought that was real progress.
That's why I'm so happy about just these few dates. I wasn't looking for someone, haven't had those feelings of lonliness and yearning at all. I'm too busy! When I'm not having a codie relapse, I'm completly seperate from AH and a Single Woman Not Looking For A Date.
These two dates are not what I experienced in 2008. That's why I mentioned thinking about AH and his affair because it doesn't trigger me. Instead, I almost feel sorry for AH. I wish he'd STAYED with that girl because they were the perfect couple. Drunk, cheating affair partners. He was madly in love with her!
I dont 'think the boy toy is my prince charming come to save me, (but he is freaking gorgeous and I love talking to him)
I have found myself thinking about him, but instead choose a better path. I return my focus onto myself.
I was going to buy him a gift today, but thought it wouldn't be appropriate, so I bought something for my boys instead. I'm proud of that.
And seriously, I do have a list of "criteria for dating Transform" because it use to be
DO YOU LIKE ME YES OR NO?
But now, it's a looong list and this man truly, so far and come on we've had TWO DATES, but this man meets all the criteria.
Good boundaries.
Doesn't try anything physically, (all though he has winked at me when I"m talking, which just shows me how he delights in me)
Isn't overly attentive, by that I mean no enmeshing behavior.
Loves and respects women in general.
He is a RA and doesn't drink.
His life, work and program come first. He takes good care of himself.
I know if we continue to date, any issues could come up. but that's waht dating is for. Sorting out what kind of relationship you want to have.
We might just stay friends. I'd be happy with that. I like my life without a boyfriend or anyone to answer to besides my kids and sisters and friends.
And you'll get there too, Cowgirl. Part of my giddyness is having felt like you do for so long. Thanks for posting!
Yes I have experienced that same lonliness as you. That yearning for someone that really loves me.
When AH and I were seperated summer of 2008, I dated and it was a disaster! I was triggered all the time. Still grieving. I couldn't even see the men I dated, see them for who they were. I was so screwed up. oh they lined up and I for a minute there was on a date or two every week with a new guy. But I hated it! I was uncomfortable and it triggered me so badly, thinking about AH and his affair partner.
So I stopped. Dating that is. Then AH and I tried to reconcile. Then I left him. But I haven't even thought about dating. No way. In fact, I recently realized that happy couples no longer trigger me. They make me happy! I'll have that someday, when its right, I would think instead of going to the bathroom to cry.
Recently, I found myself attracted to another man and thought that was real progress.
That's why I'm so happy about just these few dates. I wasn't looking for someone, haven't had those feelings of lonliness and yearning at all. I'm too busy! When I'm not having a codie relapse, I'm completly seperate from AH and a Single Woman Not Looking For A Date.
These two dates are not what I experienced in 2008. That's why I mentioned thinking about AH and his affair because it doesn't trigger me. Instead, I almost feel sorry for AH. I wish he'd STAYED with that girl because they were the perfect couple. Drunk, cheating affair partners. He was madly in love with her!
I dont 'think the boy toy is my prince charming come to save me, (but he is freaking gorgeous and I love talking to him)
I have found myself thinking about him, but instead choose a better path. I return my focus onto myself.
I was going to buy him a gift today, but thought it wouldn't be appropriate, so I bought something for my boys instead. I'm proud of that.
And seriously, I do have a list of "criteria for dating Transform" because it use to be
DO YOU LIKE ME YES OR NO?
But now, it's a looong list and this man truly, so far and come on we've had TWO DATES, but this man meets all the criteria.
Good boundaries.
Doesn't try anything physically, (all though he has winked at me when I"m talking, which just shows me how he delights in me)
Isn't overly attentive, by that I mean no enmeshing behavior.
Loves and respects women in general.
He is a RA and doesn't drink.
His life, work and program come first. He takes good care of himself.
I know if we continue to date, any issues could come up. but that's waht dating is for. Sorting out what kind of relationship you want to have.
We might just stay friends. I'd be happy with that. I like my life without a boyfriend or anyone to answer to besides my kids and sisters and friends.
And you'll get there too, Cowgirl. Part of my giddyness is having felt like you do for so long. Thanks for posting!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
And this
Is what I was talking about here
Call me crazy, but I am not afraid to post my successes or failures or lessons here for others to learn from.
Transform, I will admit I am sort of standing back and watching how things go with you and the man you are dating, wondering how it is going.
I"m going to do it anyway and will also, for your entertainment, process externally here and publish my experience. And keep my wits about me.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Hi Transformyself,
I don't post much to your threads, but always enjoy reading them (so thanks for keeping us entertained
). It's interesting that everyone immidiately focused on the "boy toy" comment... what stood out to me was RA (maybe because anything to do with A jumps out at me - I'm hypersensitive to it). I just think it's interesting that you seem to surround yourself with A's in your life (whether active or recovered) - 3 that are pretty close to you (that we here on SR know of). I hope that RA aka Boy Toy is far along in his recovery and very, very, very comfortable with his program (the last thing you need right now is a RA that relapses) - but I'm sure you have weighed that in when you considered whether dating would be good for you right now! I wish you all the best and keep us posted 
BTW - not judging just observing.
I don't post much to your threads, but always enjoy reading them (so thanks for keeping us entertained
). It's interesting that everyone immidiately focused on the "boy toy" comment... what stood out to me was RA (maybe because anything to do with A jumps out at me - I'm hypersensitive to it). I just think it's interesting that you seem to surround yourself with A's in your life (whether active or recovered) - 3 that are pretty close to you (that we here on SR know of). I hope that RA aka Boy Toy is far along in his recovery and very, very, very comfortable with his program (the last thing you need right now is a RA that relapses) - but I'm sure you have weighed that in when you considered whether dating would be good for you right now! I wish you all the best and keep us posted BTW - not judging just observing.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Transformie ((((Hugs to you))))))......all i want to say is absolutely enjoy it for what is is my friend!....you sound to me like thats exactly what you are doing....
In my opinion You deserve to spend time with someone who you like hanging out with and who likes hanging out with you - have fun my friend and you just keep us posted!
I guess everyone has a different opinion of course due to their own experiences in life however if it feels right for you sweetie you go for it and I wish you fun and laughter! We all need abit of that don't we?!.......
Take care Phiz :ghug3
In my opinion You deserve to spend time with someone who you like hanging out with and who likes hanging out with you - have fun my friend and you just keep us posted!
I guess everyone has a different opinion of course due to their own experiences in life however if it feels right for you sweetie you go for it and I wish you fun and laughter! We all need abit of that don't we?!.......
Take care Phiz :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
Transform-
Just want to throw in some proverbial "change". First, I commend you on exposing your working through this whole situation and becoming vulnerable to all of us. That isn't easy. Heck, many people lurk here and never post and it takes quite a bit to simply explain what you are going thru and how you are processing everything.
My RAH has been out of my house for almost 2 months (on the 15th). I taking baby steps toward a divorce. The marriage was dead, as you referred to a long time ago and in his words he said it is merely a piece of paper between the two of us anymore. I guess this all comes down to your true definition of what marriage is. If I could file today and know that the outcome would be ok, I would do it. But, I'm not dealing with, and neither are any of us, a rational healthy person. So, we deal with things as we can. If you said you were partying like it was 1999 with this dude-I would be concerned. Having a couple of "dates" and getting to know someone, while being forthright about things-doesn't seem like a red flag to me.
As long as you are in therapy, and are aware of triggers and if you get in over your head, you come up for air-I think you are doing alright. Keep us in the loop. Not everyone will agree with your actions, but you are entitled to them either way.
Just want to throw in some proverbial "change". First, I commend you on exposing your working through this whole situation and becoming vulnerable to all of us. That isn't easy. Heck, many people lurk here and never post and it takes quite a bit to simply explain what you are going thru and how you are processing everything.
My RAH has been out of my house for almost 2 months (on the 15th). I taking baby steps toward a divorce. The marriage was dead, as you referred to a long time ago and in his words he said it is merely a piece of paper between the two of us anymore. I guess this all comes down to your true definition of what marriage is. If I could file today and know that the outcome would be ok, I would do it. But, I'm not dealing with, and neither are any of us, a rational healthy person. So, we deal with things as we can. If you said you were partying like it was 1999 with this dude-I would be concerned. Having a couple of "dates" and getting to know someone, while being forthright about things-doesn't seem like a red flag to me.
As long as you are in therapy, and are aware of triggers and if you get in over your head, you come up for air-I think you are doing alright. Keep us in the loop. Not everyone will agree with your actions, but you are entitled to them either way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Did someone say coffee and doughnuts??
I know I can't do the best job at filing my tax return, have questions about the Bible, and don't pretend to always know the best way to become emotionally healthier.
So, I go to an accountant, my pastor, and seek out pyschotherapy.
My favorite radio talk show pyschologist, Joy Browne, says to wait a year after being divorced to start dating. So does AA, Laura Schlessinger, and many other "experts". There's a reason for this.
Did I do this myself? Sadly, no. I was already emotionally invested in someone while still living with my xah. I started dating last summer before I even had the decency and guts to tell my abf I wanted out.
So, it is with complete empathy and non-judgementalism that I weigh in here, Transformie.
I happen to also believe that calling a member of the opposite sex by a cute and sexually-charged label diminishes their true worth - that as a human being. But, I know that's not what this thread is supposed to be about.
Dating another man, or men, accomplishes a few things. It provides a GREAT distraction from the b.s. and the pain that Mr. AH brings to your life. I helps you to feel not just good, but great, about yourself. It brings energy to your days.
And: it helps you with the choice that has been weighing so heavy on you. If you can feel good enough about yourself, as a woman, then it will be all that easier, to finally really cut the tie with AH. If you just happen to fall in love with Mr. Toy, well then you've really got it made -- and you can cut the tie with much less pain. And if things fizzle out with M.T, you have a safety net with AH. I mean, as far as he knows, you are considering counseling. Every time you have gone NC with him, it's been temporary - just until he can get that door his foot is in open a little wider. AH has no reason to believe - at this point - that this current NC is permanent. You have a pretty good
set-up.
I know you have thought this through, and you see it the way you see it. I do not mean to be sarcastic or cruel and I hope it doesn't sound like that. Even though you're gonna do what you're gonna do, I sorta think you're conning yourself.
I know I can't do the best job at filing my tax return, have questions about the Bible, and don't pretend to always know the best way to become emotionally healthier.
So, I go to an accountant, my pastor, and seek out pyschotherapy.
My favorite radio talk show pyschologist, Joy Browne, says to wait a year after being divorced to start dating. So does AA, Laura Schlessinger, and many other "experts". There's a reason for this.
Did I do this myself? Sadly, no. I was already emotionally invested in someone while still living with my xah. I started dating last summer before I even had the decency and guts to tell my abf I wanted out.
So, it is with complete empathy and non-judgementalism that I weigh in here, Transformie.
I happen to also believe that calling a member of the opposite sex by a cute and sexually-charged label diminishes their true worth - that as a human being. But, I know that's not what this thread is supposed to be about.
Dating another man, or men, accomplishes a few things. It provides a GREAT distraction from the b.s. and the pain that Mr. AH brings to your life. I helps you to feel not just good, but great, about yourself. It brings energy to your days.
And: it helps you with the choice that has been weighing so heavy on you. If you can feel good enough about yourself, as a woman, then it will be all that easier, to finally really cut the tie with AH. If you just happen to fall in love with Mr. Toy, well then you've really got it made -- and you can cut the tie with much less pain. And if things fizzle out with M.T, you have a safety net with AH. I mean, as far as he knows, you are considering counseling. Every time you have gone NC with him, it's been temporary - just until he can get that door his foot is in open a little wider. AH has no reason to believe - at this point - that this current NC is permanent. You have a pretty good
set-up.
I know you have thought this through, and you see it the way you see it. I do not mean to be sarcastic or cruel and I hope it doesn't sound like that. Even though you're gonna do what you're gonna do, I sorta think you're conning yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: UK and Australia
Posts: 447
Oh and Transform after I posted I realised I also forgot to add do of course be carefull and look after You aswell. Looking forward to hearing how everything goes.
I have read everyones coments here and think there are many good points from people skilled and more experienced in a very similar situation but at the same time I think you should enjoy but be cautious perhaps!
I feel most excited for you at this the next chapter of your life......whether it includes this new man or not.......your new chapter is coming along nicely!
Take care...Bless you Phiz
I have read everyones coments here and think there are many good points from people skilled and more experienced in a very similar situation but at the same time I think you should enjoy but be cautious perhaps!
I feel most excited for you at this the next chapter of your life......whether it includes this new man or not.......your new chapter is coming along nicely!
Take care...Bless you Phiz
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 285
Hey Transform
I am enjoying reading your introspection/ reflection
What you are working through is one of the things many of us have voiced here in various posts and that is "How do I trust myself again in future relationships, even friendships? How do i learn from the past? Am I a good judge of character? Have I learnt enough about myself?"
I hope this forum remains a safe place for such public exploration of lifes journey.
I have already voiced my concerns/opinion and that comes only form a loving heart.
I am enjoying reading your introspection/ reflection
What you are working through is one of the things many of us have voiced here in various posts and that is "How do I trust myself again in future relationships, even friendships? How do i learn from the past? Am I a good judge of character? Have I learnt enough about myself?"
I hope this forum remains a safe place for such public exploration of lifes journey.
I have already voiced my concerns/opinion and that comes only form a loving heart.
?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
