Dating The Boy Toy

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Old 03-10-2010, 11:00 AM
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Dating The Boy Toy

I had a melt down last weekend, again, with AH. Triggered, came here, got sanity, dumped him again and am no contact. All though he says he does still want counceling, I've made it clear that there won't be contact or shenanigans and the only contact we'll have is in therapy. If he finds it. Whatever.

No contact makes me feel sooo much better. Every time. Not my problem again, thank goodness.

During this last week, I also had my first date with a friend. Had another one last night. Gold voiced concern about my dating, said,
I am going to be frank here.
It concerns me that you are dating anyone , let alone a RA while your relationship with your husband seems to still be unresolved. You are still having strong conflict with him, triggering and angst.
So I've kept that in my mind and I thank you for it. I"m going to do it anyway and will also, for your entertainment, process externally here and publish my experience. And keep my wits about me.

I"ve been careful to be aware of my patterns Check in with myself. It's fascinating to me.

I sure like to go off in fantasy land about this guy. But instead, I catch myself now and just get back to work. Back to my life. Dont' build a fantasy round it.

My interactions with him almost always-for some reason-make me think of the many things I know about AH's affair with OW. I don't know why this is true but at least I'm aware of it. Only, it used to torture me to think of them so utterly "in love" from the moment they met and other things. But now I compare it to getting to know this man and it doesn't trigger me. I just see my experience as different and sorry, but healthier.

First, let me say I haven't dated since I left AH in september. I dated briefly when we were seperated summer of 08 but nothing like this. This man and I aren't awkward or enmeshed. There are easy periods of silence. He's calm, organized and driven. And delights in me. Good, good.

AH and OW enmeshed instantly. They started their affair and texted each other, seriously, like 50 times a day. My friend and i have seperate lives and don't talk or text constantly. Not even daily. We like each other, and will continue to spend time together but will do so when it works for our schedule. He's very focused on himself and his life and that comes first. I like that.

I also am suspicious. Hmmm. does he have a girlfriend? I haven't asked. I am aware when he checks his phone that I'm afraid he's talking to his girlfriend. But then I look at him and realize, it's all my crap. Leftover damage. He's not AH. And it's none of my business what he's doing.

I am also aware of where my focus lies in my exchanges with him. He's very thoughtful, respectful and I want to return it. I am hyper sensitive at times and worry that I've offended him. He just laughs and says, haven't you dated anyone that really likes you? You're fine. You're wonderful.

I'm careful to keep my focus on me and have a balance of being thoughtful wtihout people pleasing.

Also, he's a RA and seems to be totally comfortable with it. We talk about the program. He's insightful about my A business partner. I don't talk about AH. No reason to. He's told me just a bit about when he was using, but not everything. just the tip of the iceburg. He admits it's still hard for him to trust others. I like that there hasn't been an outpouring of every aspect of our lives. It seems more natural. Careful. I don't know why.

Anyway, I like this man. So far, I like everything I see with the exception of him wearing cologne. And I'm working to stay focused on my life and not obsess. Saturday I have to be on an expert on panel at a film festival and he's going to come along and be my date. He's interested in what I do and how I do it. We'll get dressed up. There's a dinner and party afterwords. I'm excited.

If nothing else, I learn more about myself and the way I work. And have a friend.

And, I'll report back to you guys so you can learn from my successes or mistakes. This is a whole new thing for me, as I was with with AH for 15 years and it was pretty sick the whole time. But I do have healthy relationships that aren't romantic. We'll see...
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:47 AM
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I have to honest, it's tough not to point out some things that are huge red flags.
Why would you not ask if he has a GF? And why are you comparing your "Dating" to the dating your H did with another woman?

Maybe I am totally off the mark, but it seems like you're dating more as a revenge thing towards your ex or to try to get over him.
Which is fine, but will only slow your healing process.
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:55 AM
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You are (totally off the mark) but it might have been the way I wrote it up. No revenge here. Just an interest in who this person is. And a willingness to get on with my life and not wait around for AH anymore. I'm not interested in revenge, I've done all the revenge you could dream of and am over that.

This is about me.

And why not ask if he has a GF? I don't really think he does. I have those thoughts because of my issues. He seems, as least so far in our two dates, very honest, very straightforward. I'll ask if it seems likely, or if we get closer.
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:56 AM
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And, I'm honestly not trying to jump on any bash Transformie wagon, but I have to ask...Why are you dating while you are still married? I know you are separated, but you do have children with your husband and I can't help but wonder what they think of their mother dating another man. I'm not a prude or anything, but, in my opinion, the divorce should, at the very least, be filed before dating. I hope that wasn't too harsh, but I don't really know how else to say it.
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Old 03-10-2010, 12:02 PM
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Hey Suki
I"m not going to introduce this guy to my kids. Hell no. They won't even know. I do tons of stuff when they're at their dads that they never know about and this will be one of them. I wouldn't burdon them by introducing the concept to them.

And I don't care about still being legally married. YOu're not too harsh Darlin, and yes I know i can be defensive. But I've thought a lot about this and am honest, open and willing to step into these waters and see what happens.

Plus, I"m not marrying the guy. This is dating the way it should be. Do I want to spend more time with you? Its' like a job interview.
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Old 03-10-2010, 12:08 PM
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I'm not a prude or anything
this made my laugh out loud, especially considering your sexy icon!
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Old 03-10-2010, 12:48 PM
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I'm jealous! I want to date somebody who LIKES me. What must that feel like? I have come to feel so unloveable in my marriage.

Can you get that divorce moving???
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Old 03-10-2010, 12:49 PM
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Well, divorce is a legal formality that doesn't always coincide with the end of a marriage, but these are your own words from a mere 4 days ago:

Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
I obviously haven't filed for divorce because I'm not willing to let go 100% yet. And I"m ok with that.
That would concern me more than the actual paperwork.

L
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Old 03-10-2010, 01:29 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Gold voiced concern about my dating, said,
I am going to be frank here.

It concerns me that you are dating anyone , let alone a RA while your relationship with your husband seems to still be unresolved. You are still having strong conflict with him, triggering and angst."
So I've kept that in my mind and I thank you for it. I"m going to do it anyway and will also, for your entertainment, process externally here and publish my experience.
Interesting choice of words and reaction to what Gold said.

I don't know of too many people here who don't post out of caring and concern for others when responding to a poster.

I have no doubt whatsoever you will do what you want to do.

God knows I certainly did for a long time, and hurt others in the process.

My unresolved baggage went from one relationship to the next, over and over, year after year.

Of course, you aren't me though, are you?
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Old 03-10-2010, 01:31 PM
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What strikes me.... this fellow is OK dating a woman who is still "married" and STILL open to going to marriage counselling, if and when husband makes the appointment. Hmmmm. What kind of man is Ok with that kind of arrangement? or have you not been dating long enough to mention that to him yet?

and.....you are a lil concerned that he might have a gf...?
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Old 03-10-2010, 02:01 PM
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Oh transform, I can't speak for others but at least for me what you write is totally not "for entertainment". I read posts with respect...

I only hope for one thing..for you to get a therapist.. you don't have to do all this by yourself you know? sorry I don't remember if you are going to one.

But for me it has sucked to be with someone (specially in intimate moments) and still hurt, wonder or imagine someone else. I have to accept that still happens sometimes.

That sucks and it always makes me feel bad or guilty about myself, for still having scars, for not allowing myself to live the present moment, for not knowing better, for knowing my scars yet not doing everything in my hands to put a band aid and allow time to heal it.

Also I don't think talking about AH with others than therapist, or here a "safe" place, is fruitful to anybody. Now that I am more "stable" if you can say that with the current BF and he starts knowing coworkers etc, I feel grateful I never mentioned XABF or my situation at work, so when others mention XABF casually there's no bad vibe and I can ignore it as well.....

I often ask myself this question when in doubt about something
what would give me more peace?
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Old 03-10-2010, 02:09 PM
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PS can i be honest? from all the things AH has said/done I wouldn't wait to file for divorce. It would seem that he has the shots still and you are clinging to his doubts in order to keep suffering and obsessing... when he decides to go to marriage counseling seems very far away, and what if you two go? as Captainzing says "will you truly trust him again?"

Just 2 cents of what I have observed so far. I recall money kept you there but perhaps if you got yourself a financial advisor who could help sort out your $$ situation there would be no more ties to someone who seems troubled at best dangerous at worst (who knows he may already be carrying a STD or worse)
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Old 03-10-2010, 02:40 PM
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Hi,

Okay. I have read all the posts and agree with pretty much all of them. However, I have had a BAD day and want to provide emotional support (because that is what I need..twisted, right).

I understand wanting to feel good about yourself. Feel interesting, beautiful, sexy. Get an adrenalin rush. Dating this man will give you a rush, but what happens after the fun wears off? Maybe transferring a little of the focus on your AH to new RA guy? The pain will still be in you, it will just be repressed and MUCH harder to locate/deal with. Why not take the year off from men or at least 6 months off from men to deal with how you got here.

In my opinion, you have a lot of toxicity in your life (AH and business partner) and it might be healthy to slow down bringing a new character to the mix.

Also, if this guy is a truly recovered RA, then he would not get involved with a married woman who is within days of talking with her husband about therapy. This guy: doesn't know your situation, is playing you or he is unhealthy. IMHO
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Old 03-10-2010, 02:56 PM
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I prefer this scenario

transform files
transform goes as no contact as possible with XAH for good
transform goes to therapy
transform kid(s?) go to therapy too
after a while
transform goes out with someone that is also free and has learned from mistakes
transform goes steady
transform introduces kids to steady man
they all have fun


Too bad I am not the director of this movie...
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Old 03-10-2010, 03:09 PM
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When I am craving chocolate, I'm going to eat chocolate. I know it's not good for me, I know I'll regret it, but I'm going to do it anyway. Even when my trainer tells me it's really bad for me, there are times I'll do it anyway

Transform is a big girl and knows full well the consequences of her chocolate boy toy, so not sure trying to tell her not to is the best bet.
Sometimes the hardest lessons are the ones we learn when we fall down first.

Transform, I think you just need to go real slow. Be his friend. I mean men do this ALL the time; replace a woman in days. Not saying you need to do that, but know going into this that this is just about filling the void for now. If this starts to cause major chaos, you need to come back so we can all give you a good "talking to"

;-)
You're a big girl, just be careful
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Old 03-10-2010, 03:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Transform is a big girl and knows full well the consequences of her chocolate boy toy
Oh, well in that case.............

I didn't realize we were talking about a tasty piece of candy. I thought it was a human being with feelings and stuff.

Carry on...

L
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Old 03-10-2010, 03:15 PM
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Oh, but you ARE the director of this movie and you're writing the script as we speak. I would describe the few trailers that I've viewed here as a drama with a potentially unhappy ending, but since the power lies in your hands, there's still time to rewrite the story and create a light adventure with a happy ending.
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Old 03-10-2010, 04:03 PM
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Hi Everybody.

I forgot I posted it as "boy toy", that's what my sister calls him because he's so much younger than I am. He likes the name too, so he appreciates my objectifying him

Lets see...
LTD
I'm ready to let go of AH now, after this latest trigger. But I always say that after this part of the cycle now don't I? That's what my therapist and i will work on.

TakingCharge

I do have a therapist! He's coming back from vacation next week.
But for me it has sucked to be with someone (specially in intimate moments) and still hurt, wonder or imagine someone else. I have to accept that still happens sometimes.
We are taking it slow Girlie. And I'm keeping tabs on myself and my feelings. Thank you!

Freedom, I don't understand your post, but I think I didn't make myself clear. I was trying to be self depriciating and refer to how I process externally and honestly write about the ugly parts of my life for all to see.

Former Doormat
but since the power lies in your hands, there's still time to rewrite the story and create a light adventure with a happy ending.
Thank you! Yes, that is what I intend to do.

I think perhaps folks don't understand that waht happenned with my AH recently.I"m not replacing my AH "within days" we've been seperated since Sept. I regularly go NC and he works hard at reeling me back in. It's less and less effective. This time he came to me and said he wanted to try counceling. Within 24 hours he had had contact with OW, which triggered me. I have PTSD and that's what that is. That's what I"m working on with the therapist.

We are not together and haven't been really since I slept with him in the fall before he talked to OW again, like he always does.. This marriage is dead and over.

And honestly, this isn't taht big of a deal. Myself and the chocolate boy toy (ha! so funny as he's part Turkish and actually brown, maybe that will be his new name) aren't getting married, or even starting a relationship. We are dating, which means hanging out every now and then. Checking each other out. Seeing if we want to spend more time together.

And yes, LTD, he is a human with feelings. Am I reading you correctly that you think I'm out to hurt him? Or that my unresolved issue will? Because he's a big boy and I"m not hiding anything from him. He is making his choice as well, and again, this ain't marriage.

Maybe you guys have a different definition of "dating" than I do.

Anvil
You so crazy. You make me laugh.


gerry

What strikes me.... this fellow is OK dating a woman who is still "married" and STILL open to going to marriage counselling, if and when husband makes the appointment. Hmmmm. What kind of man is Ok with that kind of arrangement? or have you not been dating long enough to mention that to him yet?
I think this is important to say. We are friends, and have been for awhile so he knows my story. We've had two dates. Two. Third will be Saturday. I've told him everything about my marriage, before we started dating and I"m sure this will come up--when the time is right. He's not like me, he thinks about things thoroughly and then when he's sure of how he feels talks about them. It's one of the things I like about him.

You're right. I haven't mentioned the councedling thing because a) it will be mediation for divorce, not marriage counceling and b) we haven't been dating long enough.

and.....you are a lil concerned that he might have a gf...
I thought about this after someone else raised the question and I'm sure it's my crap. I don't suspect it, I am just aware of being uncomfortable when he looks at his phone because of the trigger from my AH, but it's not even a strong feeling, just something I'm aware of within myself.

And at this point I wouldn't dare ask him. It would be like saying, hey are you a scumbag?

TC I like your plan for me
transform files
transform goes as no contact as possible with XAH for good
transform goes to therapy
transform kid(s?) go to therapy too
after a while
transform goes out with someone that is also free and has learned from mistakes
transform goes steady
transform introduces kids to steady man
they all have fun
How about
I am no contact with XAH, and it's for good
I am in therapy
Kids are too
dating this CBT right now is perfect as he's got his life and I have mine and we're just becoming better friends really. Very slow..
And introducing him to the kids wouldn't happen anyway for a loooong time. They arent ready for any love interest in my life.


Thanks for the feedback. i do want to say that I will continue to think about the things you've brought up. It's one of the things I like about myself, being able to take contstructive criticism and think about it and see if it applies to me.

I like how I'm handling this. I feel like an adult.
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Old 03-10-2010, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
And yes, LTD, he is a human with feelings. Am I reading you correctly that you think I'm out to hurt him? Or that my unresolved issue will? Because he's a big boy and I"m not hiding anything from him. He is making his choice as well, and again, this ain't marriage.
Not intentionally, no. But here's what I see.

1)Four days ago you were prepared to get marriage counseling with your AH.
2)Four days ago you had an emotional meltdown over AH.
3)Four days ago you said you weren't ready to let AH go.
4)You allude in this thread to "boy toy" and "entertainment."
5)You say he really likes you.

Given all that, no matter how I play this tape through, it doesn't have a happy ending--for you OR him. Have you really thought this through?

L
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Old 03-10-2010, 04:37 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
Oh, well in that case.............

I didn't realize we were talking about a tasty piece of candy. I thought it was a human being with feelings and stuff.

Carry on...

L
Oh for goodness sakes, relax, it was said as tongue and cheek

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