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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 10
New Here
I have been married to my AH for over 8 years. We have three children. He has been sober for much of the time off and on, but never truly involved in recovery. When he drinks, he goes on benders and makes life miserable. After a couple of abusive episodes, he has gone to rehab, gone to AA meetings a couple of times, etc. but has never really pursued the why of his addiction.
He hasn't drank for over a year but his behavior has been getting more and more outrageous. I honestly never even thought about his behavior being directly related to his addiction but it came out a couple weeks ago. I took him out to dinner and we had a really frank discussion. I've been trying and trying and trying to do things right and never succeeding. Everything I do or say is wrong, bad, mean, etc. I've been scrambling to try to make him happy, to be what he needs me to be, and am exhausted. As his demands have been getting more and more irrational, I finally figured out that nothing I do will be acceptable. He admits this. He is consumed by his need for alcohol. He sees me as the only thing standing between him and alcohol. He realizes this isn't fair but won't do anything to change it. He wants my permission to drink. I told him it is always his choice whether he drinks or not, but I've been down this road with him a few hundred times and it will never work for us to be together with him drinking. I end up getting hurt too badly.
I've attended an Al-Anon meeting before, even bought the book, and am planning on attending a meeting tonight. I have to be furtive about it though, as he would be furious.
I've read through a lot of the information posted in the stickies and am excited to find that it isn't just me. I'm not alone. Thank you all for being here!
He hasn't drank for over a year but his behavior has been getting more and more outrageous. I honestly never even thought about his behavior being directly related to his addiction but it came out a couple weeks ago. I took him out to dinner and we had a really frank discussion. I've been trying and trying and trying to do things right and never succeeding. Everything I do or say is wrong, bad, mean, etc. I've been scrambling to try to make him happy, to be what he needs me to be, and am exhausted. As his demands have been getting more and more irrational, I finally figured out that nothing I do will be acceptable. He admits this. He is consumed by his need for alcohol. He sees me as the only thing standing between him and alcohol. He realizes this isn't fair but won't do anything to change it. He wants my permission to drink. I told him it is always his choice whether he drinks or not, but I've been down this road with him a few hundred times and it will never work for us to be together with him drinking. I end up getting hurt too badly.
I've attended an Al-Anon meeting before, even bought the book, and am planning on attending a meeting tonight. I have to be furtive about it though, as he would be furious.
I've read through a lot of the information posted in the stickies and am excited to find that it isn't just me. I'm not alone. Thank you all for being here!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
WELCOME!
The great thing about this place is:
* people who have been there and done that who give fabulous advice
* people who have grown out of many of our self-destructive, codependent behaviors to serve as role models for us
* a commitment to self growth and self care
* lots of others that are struggling with very similar situations
* tons of love and virtual hugs and encouragement
* folks that "get" you
* practical advice
* great, deep questions
So glad you are going to a meeting.
In a way, it is great your AH was honest about his need for alcohol.
Now, you get to get honest with yourself about what you deserve.
He straight up said alcohol was more important than you. Is that acceptable?
I find I do the same thing - shape my behavior and corral my own needs to make sure my AH has an okay reaction (not furious, not hurt, not whatever). I think that's pretty crummy that we let them control us that way. I am working on allowing my needs and the things I want to say come out - my husband's reaction be damned. Meaning, I can't shape myself to baby him. I have to be myself and allow him to be himself. If the "real" him is to blow up when I am the real me...well, then, I have to look at that and question it, too.
Hugs,
w
The great thing about this place is:
* people who have been there and done that who give fabulous advice
* people who have grown out of many of our self-destructive, codependent behaviors to serve as role models for us
* a commitment to self growth and self care
* lots of others that are struggling with very similar situations
* tons of love and virtual hugs and encouragement
* folks that "get" you
* practical advice
* great, deep questions
So glad you are going to a meeting.
In a way, it is great your AH was honest about his need for alcohol.
Now, you get to get honest with yourself about what you deserve.
He straight up said alcohol was more important than you. Is that acceptable?
I find I do the same thing - shape my behavior and corral my own needs to make sure my AH has an okay reaction (not furious, not hurt, not whatever). I think that's pretty crummy that we let them control us that way. I am working on allowing my needs and the things I want to say come out - my husband's reaction be damned. Meaning, I can't shape myself to baby him. I have to be myself and allow him to be himself. If the "real" him is to blow up when I am the real me...well, then, I have to look at that and question it, too.
Hugs,
w
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by ForeverLearning 
I've been trying and trying and trying to do things right and never succeeding. Everything I do or say is wrong, bad, mean, etc. I've been scrambling to try to make him happy, to be what he needs me to be, and am exhausted. As his demands have been getting more and more irrational, I finally figured out that nothing I do will be acceptable. He admits this.
!
!
Oh my dear, I do know what it feels like to twist yourself into a pretzel trying to make your partner happy. I ended up not knowing if I was coming or going?!
I was making myself and everyone around me crazy with my antics. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired with the endless cycle. I started reading and posting here, attending Alanon, reading self-help books and talking with a social worker friend. I learned a few things about me along the way:
I learned that I am not responsible for another adults happiness.
I also learned that I am responsible for my own happiness.
I hope you will make yourself at home by posting and reading as needed. We are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi, and welcome!
I arrived just a couple of weeks ago, so as a newbie I can assure you this is a great place. I've grown and learned so much already.
I really get what you're saying, much of it looks like my own efforts to, as Pelican said, twist myself into a pretzel! Last week I was so exhausted that when my A and I went to counseling I asked for a break. It was an exceedingly difficult thing to do, but I'm feeling SO much better, and better rested.
Congrats on getting the book, going to Alanon and coming here. You're doing great with reaching out to get some support, so I hope you're giving yourself a pat on the back!
posie
I arrived just a couple of weeks ago, so as a newbie I can assure you this is a great place. I've grown and learned so much already.
I really get what you're saying, much of it looks like my own efforts to, as Pelican said, twist myself into a pretzel! Last week I was so exhausted that when my A and I went to counseling I asked for a break. It was an exceedingly difficult thing to do, but I'm feeling SO much better, and better rested.
Congrats on getting the book, going to Alanon and coming here. You're doing great with reaching out to get some support, so I hope you're giving yourself a pat on the back!
posie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 10
Thank you for the warm welcomes.
I went to the Al-Anon meeting last night and almost cried throughout. It is such a relief to hear from others who have been through this. I'm trying to make plans to get to another meeting this week but as I said, if my AH found out, he would get extremely angry so I have to be careful.
As for WifeofaDrinker's question, it hurts that he would choose alcohol over me. I'm not sure what is or isn't acceptable for me at this point in our relationship. Things that I would have considered unacceptable prior to our relationship have somehow become okay. If one of my friends was being treated the way he treats me, I would tell her in an instant to leave and would move heaven and earth to help her out. In our case, somehow everything becomes my fault. I just recently started questioning whether or not I am truly as awful as he seems to believe.
I checked out quite a few books and am reading through them now. I'm hoping to glean some insight into my situation.
A question for all of you, does the pain lessen over time?
I went to the Al-Anon meeting last night and almost cried throughout. It is such a relief to hear from others who have been through this. I'm trying to make plans to get to another meeting this week but as I said, if my AH found out, he would get extremely angry so I have to be careful.
As for WifeofaDrinker's question, it hurts that he would choose alcohol over me. I'm not sure what is or isn't acceptable for me at this point in our relationship. Things that I would have considered unacceptable prior to our relationship have somehow become okay. If one of my friends was being treated the way he treats me, I would tell her in an instant to leave and would move heaven and earth to help her out. In our case, somehow everything becomes my fault. I just recently started questioning whether or not I am truly as awful as he seems to believe.
I checked out quite a few books and am reading through them now. I'm hoping to glean some insight into my situation.
A question for all of you, does the pain lessen over time?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm glad you tried Alanon again. My first visit I was only able to say my name. I knew I would have a meltdown if I opened my mouth to say anything! They were very understanding. I really like the sober hugs too!
(((foreverlearning))) cyber hugs to you!
Will the pain lessen?
Do you mean the pain of loosing "what could have been"? The death of what the relationship was intended to be, is a pain that will lessen with time. I have found by focusing on my needs and taking better care of myself - I am learning that I want a different relationship than I had with my partner.
The pain of being replaced by an addiciton? Well, again it gets better with time. Grieving what could have been. But I feel stronger for learning better boundary making skills, stress coping skills, and stating my needs in a clear-concise manner.
I'll always remember the way things started out, the way things progressed, the way things went bad, but I will not dwell on those memories. I use them as life experiences to guide me in my future journey. I will stop and share my experience, strength and hope with a fellow journey person and let them know that they are not alone.
You are not alone and we are here to support you!
(((foreverlearning))) cyber hugs to you!
Will the pain lessen?
Do you mean the pain of loosing "what could have been"? The death of what the relationship was intended to be, is a pain that will lessen with time. I have found by focusing on my needs and taking better care of myself - I am learning that I want a different relationship than I had with my partner.
The pain of being replaced by an addiciton? Well, again it gets better with time. Grieving what could have been. But I feel stronger for learning better boundary making skills, stress coping skills, and stating my needs in a clear-concise manner.
I'll always remember the way things started out, the way things progressed, the way things went bad, but I will not dwell on those memories. I use them as life experiences to guide me in my future journey. I will stop and share my experience, strength and hope with a fellow journey person and let them know that they are not alone.
You are not alone and we are here to support you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote: (( In our case, somehow everything becomes my fault. I just recently started questioning whether or not I am truly as awful as he seems to believe. ))
Do not believe that it is all YOUR fault or that you are awful.
This is almost par for the A's course, as so often they have blamed their partner for everything they could, abused them and called them many offensive names.
Have a read of the stickies and some of the stories posted here, and you will see how the A has dumped all their problems on their SO, put them down and almost broken some souls.
This is the A's great defence....blame others...before they blame the A, and the A can sit back feeling ok, as it isn't them that has the problem.
I have no doubt that others will be here soon to give you tales of how it has been for them.
God bless
Do not believe that it is all YOUR fault or that you are awful.
This is almost par for the A's course, as so often they have blamed their partner for everything they could, abused them and called them many offensive names.
Have a read of the stickies and some of the stories posted here, and you will see how the A has dumped all their problems on their SO, put them down and almost broken some souls.
This is the A's great defence....blame others...before they blame the A, and the A can sit back feeling ok, as it isn't them that has the problem.
I have no doubt that others will be here soon to give you tales of how it has been for them.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Outrageous behavior is the perfect description. That's it in a nutshell.
I'm kind of blown away that your A is willing to talk openly about the fact that he wants to drink, isn't drinking and blames you for ruining his ... (insert blank I guess - life? fun?) I was in the same boat but with an A who pretended to recognize he had a problem and wanted to stop, for himself.
It took me months to draw a line between the outrageous behavior and the alcoholism. Our relationship was "a lot of work." I always wanted to "talk about things." I had no right to want to address issues on "MY schedule" - on and on. The passive aggression was off the charts - lots of sulky silences and if I asked what was wrong I got an explosion (why would there be anything wrong, you're smothering/analysing me). I was tiptoeing and whispering constantly by the end.
I had always wished that he'd had the balls to say, upfront, what your husband has said. But I just realized right now that hearing it out loud wouldn't make it any less painful. The Genie is out of the bottle as soon as we say that we can't be in a relationship with someone who is drinking alcoholically. The options are recovery or the painful back and forth that everyone on here seems to know too well.
I bet you're doing a super-human job of trying to be a great wife. And I bet you are a great wife. And I also think that even if you told him to go right ahead and drink, the getting hurt wouldn't stop. I think it's not so much about whether we're even ok with the drinking. When you're close enough to see the harm they're doing to themselves and they know we know - and they can't or won't stop - the outrageous behaviour and provoking us serves as a smokescren.
You sound incredibly clear, which is amazing. It doesn't sidestep the painful decision of whether you choose to live with this or remove yourself - but knowing what you need is a great first step to getting it.
Hugs,
SL.
I'm kind of blown away that your A is willing to talk openly about the fact that he wants to drink, isn't drinking and blames you for ruining his ... (insert blank I guess - life? fun?) I was in the same boat but with an A who pretended to recognize he had a problem and wanted to stop, for himself.
It took me months to draw a line between the outrageous behavior and the alcoholism. Our relationship was "a lot of work." I always wanted to "talk about things." I had no right to want to address issues on "MY schedule" - on and on. The passive aggression was off the charts - lots of sulky silences and if I asked what was wrong I got an explosion (why would there be anything wrong, you're smothering/analysing me). I was tiptoeing and whispering constantly by the end.
I had always wished that he'd had the balls to say, upfront, what your husband has said. But I just realized right now that hearing it out loud wouldn't make it any less painful. The Genie is out of the bottle as soon as we say that we can't be in a relationship with someone who is drinking alcoholically. The options are recovery or the painful back and forth that everyone on here seems to know too well.
I bet you're doing a super-human job of trying to be a great wife. And I bet you are a great wife. And I also think that even if you told him to go right ahead and drink, the getting hurt wouldn't stop. I think it's not so much about whether we're even ok with the drinking. When you're close enough to see the harm they're doing to themselves and they know we know - and they can't or won't stop - the outrageous behaviour and provoking us serves as a smokescren.
You sound incredibly clear, which is amazing. It doesn't sidestep the painful decision of whether you choose to live with this or remove yourself - but knowing what you need is a great first step to getting it.
Hugs,
SL.
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