Summerpeach

And by the way, in MY opinion there is NOTHING wrong with using the term boy toy.

LaTeeDa

Sorry, can't relax. I was raised in a home full of racism, sexism, and prejudice. Much of it "tongue in cheek." And many times have been told that I am "overreacting," after all it's just a "joke."

Nope, can't abide that. It's not okay. Just because it's a woman being sexist about a man doesn't make it okay. Not for me.

L

Summerpeach

Ok, so then it's not ok for YOU, that doesn't mean it's not ok for others.
Doesn't mean your opinion is correct and others are incorrect

transformyself

Yes my Dear. I've played the tape through.


[I]
Four days ago you had an emotional meltdown over AH
One week ago I had a melt down over my mother and I haven't seen her in over twenty years. I have PTSD and these are triggers. I may have meltdowns over AH for years. Hopefully not. That's what the therapist and I will work on. It doesn't indicate anything other than a PTSD trigger and I'm actually thankful for it now. Being triggered by him is enevitable because he doen'st give a rats ass about my feelings

Four days ago I said I wasn't ready to let him go. Here's the full picture and it isn't --to me at least but what do I know--an indication that I am too damaged to date.

That's pretty brilliant, coupeling those together like that.

I didn't allude to him being a boy toy I called him that. Flat out Please see above for that explanation.

And the entertainment aspect was a self depreciation phrase about myself. Again, see above. None of you have to like the way I refer to him--who happens to like it as well--if it offends you thats fine, but he and I are fine with it.

And forgive me but what the heck is wrong with him really liking me? We like each other. Hence, the dating...And he's a big boy, he's not a victim here.

I won't be replying to any more of these concerns, not for awhile as I am feeling defensive now and don't want to start a fire again on these boards.

I"m beginning to feel like there is nothing I can say to convince you that I have thought this through, that I'm being careful and conscious, or that I'm capable of observing my own behavior and making sound decisions. But, we are codies after all.

Truly, LT, your post makes me think you just see me as an unconscious, in denial, objectifying jerk who is taking advantage of someone just to make myself feel better. That's not even close to the truth. I am thinking about this, that's why I came here.

transformyself

Holy Crap you two! You posted that while I was writing out my response.

Why dontcha all just calm down? Myself included.

LTD I"m grateful you identified your issues. They help me see what you react the way you do. Thank you.

And summertime, thanks.

Summerpeach

Ok, let's take a breath.

When someone in my Al Anon group doesn't agree with my choices, they never shoved their choices down my throat. I thought that was against the membership?!

This is the time we all need to think about how we would act in person in a group setting. I'm sorry if I seemed pushy at first, your choices are just that, yours.

Keep posting and talking this out. I know how the hamsters can run in your head and it's tough to know if you're making a good choice.

:-)

transformyself

Hampsters! I often think of myself as a squirrel with a nut when I obsess about stuff. You know, you can hear them going to town on that nut three houses down. That's what i do too.

And seriously, I'm thrilled to be dating this guy. I've worked on myself since I found out about AH affair april 2008. Hard. And since we've been seperated (8 months) I've focused on and learned a lot about being alone. Even with the madness with AH--the drama maker.

Im sorry LTD that you were triggered. I know how that is. But seriously, just give me a break. I know what I'm doing, I am being careful, I am watching my feelings, watching my actions and dont' believe this is a horrific mistake I'm making.

Or else I wouldn't do it.

gerryP

I find the term "boy toy" offensive for what it's worth and chocolate boy toy even more so. I realize this thread isn't about terminology, however it's usage sums it all up for me.

Actually, what offends me also is anyone minimizing another person's feelings by telling them to relax. Very condescending.

LaTeeDa

No accusations of horrific mistakes from me. No shoving my opinion down throats.

Just my opinions. That's all. I have no power over either of you.

As I said, carry on........

L

Summerpeach

then if you're offended, you can always chose not to read.

I was not minimzing anyone's feelings

transformyself

I'm not sure why anyone finds Boy Toy offensive but I seem to excel at offending folks so that doesn't surprise me.. It's an individual thing, I suppose.

Being part Native, in my circles we call ourselves brown folks, or chocolate folks, skins. But we also don't say, "Na-tive- A-mer-i-can," but rather Indian, which I"ve been told, by white, politically correct folks, is offensive.

Funny, I dont' think you get to tell other folks what to call themselves, I tell them. They didn't listen though.

TakingCharge999

I feel the presence of a Moderator coming soon...

Experience
Strength
Hope

That is what we are all here for

gerryP

Ahhhhhhhh........

Because in most circles, Boy Toy is derogatory, Transform.

Summerpeach

really and in which circles are those?

It's like the term cougar. There are shows called Cougar Town and other shows making light of older women dating younger men

If this was SO offensive, these shows would be given other names.

transformyself

Oh. Thanks Gerry. I guess I don't hang in those circles. In my circle, Boy Toy is a younger man dating an older woman. I guess the toy part could be derogatory, but he calls himself that actually. Texted me today, "The Boy Toy needs to know if the event Saturday is formal so he can dress appropriatly."

It's especially funny because I consider him to be in many ways smarter than I am. He's definatly more organized, on top of his sh1t, very driven and successful.

Have you seen The Invention Of Lying? It's sooo funny, the people in this world just say the first thing that comes to their mind and no one can lie.

That would be me.

GiveLove

Transform, I'm unsure what kind of support you were hoping to get by posting -- but it looks as though you got quite a mixed bag of responses, plenty to chew on, some of it rather strong in flavor.

Though it is obviously very contentious, I found myself amazed through the back-and-forth because here in this thread we have collected some of SR's most powerful, experienced, thoughtful AND OPINIONATED people....so my wincing at the divisiveness was tempered by respect, as I know all of your stories, your pain, your victories over this thing we have in common. My eyes got wider and wider as I leafed through the list of posters.

I'll just remind everyone of a couple of things:

• Posts like this are going to elicit some very strong reactions by their very nature. That is to be expected. It's a good topic, too.
• It is very possible that someone is speaking out of love and concern even when they're saying something that's painfully honest.
• It's very difficult to police responses, as there is no one yardstick that correctly measures "too honest," "not nice," not even "abusive."
• If a post triggers you, walk away from it and make liberal use of the "Ignore" button. If you feel a particular statement has moved beyond personal opinion to a personal attack, PM the mods and we can assess.

I'll also remind you of something that I learned from the writer Natalie Goldberg: You don't have to cut with the sword of truth. You can point with it too. We are all struggling here. Try to remember to be as gentle as you are able, even if a poster is projecting "strong and together".

This thread has devolved into bickering, semantics, social commentary, criticism, and more polysyllabic words than I can come up with at the moment.

If it can turn back into a thoughtful discussion, great. If it continues in this vein, it'll have to be closed. How about we all back away, breathe (thanks, Summerpeach) and do other things for a while.

transformyself

Sorry to make you come down here GL. I know you have much better things to do.

I think in posting this I was just being typically honest about where I am, and I thought I was sharing good news.

To me, I"m proud of how I"m handling this. Careful, slow, not bringing him around the kids or burdening them with the knowledge. By contrast, spending time with someone respectful has shown me that I don't have to settle for the dogfood AH is dishing out to me. I quickly got back to my my no contact, happy little life I had before this stupid codie relapse, as Mike called it.

GiveLove

You're fine, Transform. And coming down here IS what I do here, so....is there any coffee? Leftover doughnuts?

P.S. I have to admit this made me laugh. All of you, including me. Way to break the tension.

Cowgirl1265

Transform, I will admit I am sort of standing back and watching how things go with you and the man you are dating, wondering how it is going.

I found out a month ago that my not-yet-ex has a new lady friend. He even took my kids there overnight, which I think was not OK and I let him know that. As I process my feelings about that, I realize that I feel very hurt and jealous that he likes someone else, but at the same time I recognize that he is an adult and has the right to move on. After all, I'm moving on, emotionally, even if not into another relationship.

I find myself constantly thinking about dating. About being with someone who is kind and respectful, who is caring and loving, who I am attracted to and who is attracted to me. I am lonely. I miss being in relationship. I would love to have someone to go out with, to stay in with, someone who thinks I am special and who by that very fact helps me to FEEL special.

And I know that I am not ready. My therapist suggests that I should wait a year, I agree, but I also know that if I meet someone I may reconsider that. I look at it as a thing of "I will know when I am ready." And no one can make that decision for me. I hope that I will wait until I am TRULY ready, which means I am more than less recovered, that I have made a lot of strides in my recovery program and when I am not as triggered by things as I am now. And really, it will also be when there is a man who is there who is healthy, available, and who really really likes me for me. And who doesn't mind all my baggage.

SoI guess that is my long way of saying, if you think you are ready to date? Then you are. And if you find it was not the right time, then you will find that out. Either way, you're a grownup and you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions.

And you know what? I'm a little jealous of your new boy toy. I hope you are having fun.

transformyself

Yes Ma'am there are coffee AND donuts. I was about to bust into the chamomile tea after all of this. See how dangerous I am! Chamomile tea, wahoo!

And did you just sneak that Natalie Goldburg qoute in there? God she's hilarious, but that is very wise and insightful.