Really need thoughts on this . . .
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Really need thoughts on this . . .
So, i've been with my partner about 17 years. She has been sober the entire time I've known her, but is an alcoholic. She was 2 years sober when i met her. She never worked the AA program (or any other program). About 6 months ago, an event occurred that she felt threatened her sobriety, so she started attending AA for the first time. Now she's been in AA for 6 months or so, working her steps and has suddenly decided she needs to leave me. My world was pulled out from under me. I have started going to Al Anon (thank god) but am having some trouble because most of the literature deals with "active drinkers". I have not met anyone yet who started a long term relationship with a sober alcoholic, who in many ways now seems to be acting almost like a newly sober alcoholic, at least in terms of the emotional aspects. It's like she is stuck emotionally at the age when she stopped drinking and has not matured since that time - but i hadn't noticed that until now. She has become really selfish, angry, blaming, uncommunicative, confusing, (sends mixed messages) and ultimately wants to leave what has seemed to me to be a great relationship.
I guess what i am wondering is if when alcoholics start their AA program is it "normal" for them to freak out like this? Want to end relationships, be angry. And to me it seems so weird to think that she's behaving this way when she has so many years under her belt.
Anyhow, not quite sure what the actual question is - but maybe someone can find a question in here and share some wisdom? Her behavior is really confusing me and i could use some clarity. I feel like i'm drowning (for the first time) in "crazy".
Thanks
I guess what i am wondering is if when alcoholics start their AA program is it "normal" for them to freak out like this? Want to end relationships, be angry. And to me it seems so weird to think that she's behaving this way when she has so many years under her belt.
Anyhow, not quite sure what the actual question is - but maybe someone can find a question in here and share some wisdom? Her behavior is really confusing me and i could use some clarity. I feel like i'm drowning (for the first time) in "crazy".
Thanks
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Not sure what to address but have some thoughts that may help.
When people start AA they are given the advice to not have any relationships or at least not deal with any relationship issues during their first year. some are even counseled not to live or return home for that time. This is to allow full devotion to building their sobriety. Not everyone agrees.
Another difference between getting sober with AA style and on one's own is a quality one. Some people just stop drinking and manage to maintain it period. What exposure to any program does is to encourage exploration and self examination of the issues that need to be addressed within a person to grow from sobreity to a mature person.
What I am not certain about in your post is how did you not notice until now that she had not matured during this time? What led up to the threat of drinking for her now? And what were her reasons for going to AA if she didn't do that before and stayed sober so long? Why not therapy? Just some questions to think about.
When people start AA they are given the advice to not have any relationships or at least not deal with any relationship issues during their first year. some are even counseled not to live or return home for that time. This is to allow full devotion to building their sobriety. Not everyone agrees.
Another difference between getting sober with AA style and on one's own is a quality one. Some people just stop drinking and manage to maintain it period. What exposure to any program does is to encourage exploration and self examination of the issues that need to be addressed within a person to grow from sobreity to a mature person.
What I am not certain about in your post is how did you not notice until now that she had not matured during this time? What led up to the threat of drinking for her now? And what were her reasons for going to AA if she didn't do that before and stayed sober so long? Why not therapy? Just some questions to think about.
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"...When people start AA they are given the advice to not have any relationships or at least not deal with any relationship issues during their first year. some are even counseled not to live or return home for that time. This is to allow full devotion to building their sobriety. Not everyone agrees..."
Actually, this/these are NOT AA teachings, rules, suggestions (or whatever you wanna call it)....The original suggestion is....:
Don't make any major chages in early recovery (and BTW, 'breaking-up' might be considered a 'major change' by many).
This simple suggestion has been downgraded to no NEW relationships in the first year.......But....to not have any relationships or any relationship issues in the first year.......??? Although this may be the understanding of some AAer's, it is definitely NOT AA (sounds more like 'control' than anything else).
My suggestion would be to sit down with her and discuss this (note I'm saying discuss and not argue, which may be difficult, I know, but sometimes the difficult needs to be done.
NoelleR
Actually, this/these are NOT AA teachings, rules, suggestions (or whatever you wanna call it)....The original suggestion is....:
Don't make any major chages in early recovery (and BTW, 'breaking-up' might be considered a 'major change' by many).
This simple suggestion has been downgraded to no NEW relationships in the first year.......But....to not have any relationships or any relationship issues in the first year.......??? Although this may be the understanding of some AAer's, it is definitely NOT AA (sounds more like 'control' than anything else).
My suggestion would be to sit down with her and discuss this (note I'm saying discuss and not argue, which may be difficult, I know, but sometimes the difficult needs to be done.
NoelleR
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Originally Posted by NoelleR 
...The original suggestion is....:
Don't make any major chages in early recovery (and BTW, 'breaking-up' might be considered a 'major change' by many).
Don't make any major chages in early recovery (and BTW, 'breaking-up' might be considered a 'major change' by many).
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Why AA even came up
When we got together 17 years ago, i knew she was a newly sober alcoholic and at that time she i think did mandatory work in AA for a year a few years earlier.
When we got together, I (not an alcoholic) said I wouldn't drink to support her, so this created a "net of safety" for her. Half a year ago, I went out with friends and drank - she found out and felt that her safety net had been pulled out from under her. I told her that i was sorry for breaking an agreement and/or lying, but that the alcoholism was her problem and that if i was the safety net that was not what i had intended to be - so she went to AA because of that.
My OPINION, and it is only that is that she has been living on "auto pilot" for a long time. She told me recently that she knows how she is supposed to act and acts accordingly, but that she never really connects to people. I have never noticed weird behavior because she's always been a certain way, pretty controlled about her life, but extremely loving towards me and our daughter. She is the kindest person i've ever known, and i thought the most stable, but then AA and therapy started and I believe (but don't know - jsut my thoughts) that she is currently overwhelmed with process and looking at herself and just wants to run.
It's all really confusing to me. Never in 17 years has she ever cussed at me, we hardly ever fight and now she looks at me with hatred and we fight, and i hear an awful lot of "f-you".
It's like a totally different person that I never even had a glimpse of.
When we got together, I (not an alcoholic) said I wouldn't drink to support her, so this created a "net of safety" for her. Half a year ago, I went out with friends and drank - she found out and felt that her safety net had been pulled out from under her. I told her that i was sorry for breaking an agreement and/or lying, but that the alcoholism was her problem and that if i was the safety net that was not what i had intended to be - so she went to AA because of that.
My OPINION, and it is only that is that she has been living on "auto pilot" for a long time. She told me recently that she knows how she is supposed to act and acts accordingly, but that she never really connects to people. I have never noticed weird behavior because she's always been a certain way, pretty controlled about her life, but extremely loving towards me and our daughter. She is the kindest person i've ever known, and i thought the most stable, but then AA and therapy started and I believe (but don't know - jsut my thoughts) that she is currently overwhelmed with process and looking at herself and just wants to run.
It's all really confusing to me. Never in 17 years has she ever cussed at me, we hardly ever fight and now she looks at me with hatred and we fight, and i hear an awful lot of "f-you".
It's like a totally different person that I never even had a glimpse of.
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Wow, so...she was really completely abstinent from alcohol for 17 years, and so were you, and one time you, a non-alcoholic, had some drinks with friends, one time in 17 years, and this has sent her into such a tailspin that she has turned into a different person, as a result of her new-found AA attendance and therapy work? I feel like there's more to the story. Maybe I'm wrong about that, but if not, yes, I find that very strange. But yes, AA and therapy can both dredge up strong emotions.
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well, if she doesn't want to be in the relationship any longer, that should be respected.
it's possible that she has been feeling this way for a long time, but is only now verbalizing it, due to the personal work she is doing.
it doesn't add up to me that you having a drink would cause such a dramatic shift in her nor threaten her own 17 years of sobriety.
anyway, she wants her own space to deal with her issues. fair enough. why not step back and see what happens in 6 months. if she really loves you, she'll be back. everyone needs a time out sometimes.
it's possible that she has been feeling this way for a long time, but is only now verbalizing it, due to the personal work she is doing.
it doesn't add up to me that you having a drink would cause such a dramatic shift in her nor threaten her own 17 years of sobriety.
anyway, she wants her own space to deal with her issues. fair enough. why not step back and see what happens in 6 months. if she really loves you, she'll be back. everyone needs a time out sometimes.
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Correction - I have only been told that AA makes this rule about R. My personal understanding and knowledge was it applied to not making any major decisions while in the first year of recovery. But if one reads the BB - chap 6 clearly states that the recovering A is not usually ready to address marital problems in the first year and to be patient about counseling. In my sitch, we are living separately so the advice was more about not moving back together in the first year. And my experience of MC was rocky and very threatening to my RAH.
But about the other issue raised:
I know it sounds absurd but if you married on the contract that you wouldn't drink while together then technically you broke the contract and she is reacting to that change. She is probably anxious about what the change will be and did you think about how this would affect your relationship with her to do this before hand?
When "contracts" in marriage are broken - it is a time to negotiate and rework the contract if you want. Change is a big work that not many really like esp in relationships. This about approaching any discussion if you want with this view point to see what comes up or where it goes.
But about the other issue raised:
I know it sounds absurd but if you married on the contract that you wouldn't drink while together then technically you broke the contract and she is reacting to that change. She is probably anxious about what the change will be and did you think about how this would affect your relationship with her to do this before hand?
When "contracts" in marriage are broken - it is a time to negotiate and rework the contract if you want. Change is a big work that not many really like esp in relationships. This about approaching any discussion if you want with this view point to see what comes up or where it goes.
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Originally Posted by twitchtides
When we got together 17 years ago, i knew she was a newly sober alcoholic and at that time she i think did mandatory work in AA for a year a few years earlier.
When we got together, I (not an alcoholic) said I wouldn't drink to support her, so this created a "net of safety" for her. Half a year ago, I went out with friends and drank - she found out and felt that her safety net had been pulled out from under her.
When we got together, I (not an alcoholic) said I wouldn't drink to support her, so this created a "net of safety" for her. Half a year ago, I went out with friends and drank - she found out and felt that her safety net had been pulled out from under her.
wondering what that mandatory aa work was about - court ordered?
i think this is complicated. it will likely be difficult to really get to the bottom of things, and couples counseling might be out if she has already decided to leave the relationship. one thing i know, is that alcoholics are masters at skewing things, and at not taking responsibility. perhaps as someone said, she has been unhappy. her peaceful demeanor may or may not be an indication of her contentment. my ex-husband was quiet and outwardly submissive most of the time, but he was dead inside.
best of luck to you
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Yes, I think there is something to this. I am a super-newbie to this, so please take my thoughts with a grain of salt, maybe handfuls.
From what I could see about my one-year live-in relationship with XABF, there are huge control issues for As, for partners of As, and within the relationships as a whole. You mentioned that she has typically been “pretty controlled about her life.” I am certainly not saying that this is the key to everything, but it might be a factor. Your doing something out of the norm, or even breaking an agreement between the two of you once, might be seen as disrupting that controlled life. If her sobriety has relied upon your sobriety, or your behavior in any way, for 17 years, your doing something she didn't expect might have shattered the fragility of her belief system. Imagine if she had decided inside herself, in her psyche, that her life/health/happiness depended upon the tree in the front yard and the tree went down in a storm.
Lots of theorizing here.... <chagrin>
My XABF was astoundingly controlling. (Not drinking, but not working recovery at all- because *he* could control things himself. You can probably see where I'm going). If I did or said something outside his expectations or wishes, (such as not calling to follow-up on a job interview as quickly as he thought I should), he flared in an almost panicked way, yelled, insulted, just freaked out. I really don't think it was about the job interview, really. I think it had more to do with some visceral terror that “things” cannot be controlled. As a non-drinking A who did not and does not do recovery work, he relied upon his belief that he had supreme control. Change or variation was a threat to his theory that he can control everything, maybe even himself? Just a theory, though.
From what I could see about my one-year live-in relationship with XABF, there are huge control issues for As, for partners of As, and within the relationships as a whole. You mentioned that she has typically been “pretty controlled about her life.” I am certainly not saying that this is the key to everything, but it might be a factor. Your doing something out of the norm, or even breaking an agreement between the two of you once, might be seen as disrupting that controlled life. If her sobriety has relied upon your sobriety, or your behavior in any way, for 17 years, your doing something she didn't expect might have shattered the fragility of her belief system. Imagine if she had decided inside herself, in her psyche, that her life/health/happiness depended upon the tree in the front yard and the tree went down in a storm.
Lots of theorizing here.... <chagrin>
My XABF was astoundingly controlling. (Not drinking, but not working recovery at all- because *he* could control things himself. You can probably see where I'm going). If I did or said something outside his expectations or wishes, (such as not calling to follow-up on a job interview as quickly as he thought I should), he flared in an almost panicked way, yelled, insulted, just freaked out. I really don't think it was about the job interview, really. I think it had more to do with some visceral terror that “things” cannot be controlled. As a non-drinking A who did not and does not do recovery work, he relied upon his belief that he had supreme control. Change or variation was a threat to his theory that he can control everything, maybe even himself? Just a theory, though.
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Confused
Yes I know the whole thing seems weird - it's all really, really confusing to me. She is not being totally honest or making sense about things. We do go to couples counseling, but more for the reason of separating kindly (if there is such a thing). I wish, wish, she could sort of back burner the relationship for a while, take some time and space and check back in - we have a huge house, no worries about space, she's also a workaholic and is hardly ever home. The fact that she literally wants to run so suddenly (appears to me) has shaken my complete foundation, like who have i been with so many years. I am doing al anon and TRYING to work on me, try to stop being reactive, etc, but it's hard for me to put into practice. In 17 years we've had maybe a handful of fights that lasted maybe 20 minutes at the longest, so i'm really thrown by the RAGE she is exhibiting much of the time. I think maybe I represent the chains that bind her or something and that she resents me for it, but, let's see, we're lesbians and last year when we had the window of opportunity to marry in SF, she threw a huge surprise wedding for us (this would be the third time we've married in 17 years). She went nuts and it was the most beautiful wedding you could ever have imagined, and i jsut can't understand the complete and utter shift from 14 months ago. I am trying hard not to do that spinning into the future thing, but it's really hard.
Her actions are super confusing: the "i want a separation but no one is moving out", or getting mad at me when i removed my wedding ring (she still has hers on), or talking about future plans while insisting she does not want to be with me (she's talked all the way til next thanksgiving - invited people over). Her ups and downs are completely irrational.
And yes, i agree, i thought it was pretty big for her to go off like this for my one choice to drink. As I put it to her, "i felt i committed a misdemeanor and you're giving me the death penalty"
I'm exhausted with trying to keep up with the "rule" changes - i think she thinks she's being consistent, but it really is super inconsistent.
Does anyone have experience with what i'll call newly "emotionally sober" alcoholics? - that's the best way i guess i can describe her. I am trying to "back off" and get support from al anon and friends and forums like this, it's just really hard
Also, she has NEVER been controlling towards me - she is very controlled about her own life, but we've always given each other a great deal of trust, respect, freedom and autonomy. Now however, she is trying to control a lot, down to the look i might have on my face at a given time.
Her actions are super confusing: the "i want a separation but no one is moving out", or getting mad at me when i removed my wedding ring (she still has hers on), or talking about future plans while insisting she does not want to be with me (she's talked all the way til next thanksgiving - invited people over). Her ups and downs are completely irrational.
And yes, i agree, i thought it was pretty big for her to go off like this for my one choice to drink. As I put it to her, "i felt i committed a misdemeanor and you're giving me the death penalty"
I'm exhausted with trying to keep up with the "rule" changes - i think she thinks she's being consistent, but it really is super inconsistent.
Does anyone have experience with what i'll call newly "emotionally sober" alcoholics? - that's the best way i guess i can describe her. I am trying to "back off" and get support from al anon and friends and forums like this, it's just really hard
Also, she has NEVER been controlling towards me - she is very controlled about her own life, but we've always given each other a great deal of trust, respect, freedom and autonomy. Now however, she is trying to control a lot, down to the look i might have on my face at a given time.
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I would suggest that you take care of yourself and remain firm in what you think is normal and then listen to her as she sorts things out. If she is new in recovery and emotions - then she has to experience them, learn how to express them, and then learn what gets her what she wants or not. It is a process.
If you are not comfortable with anything she suggests then offer her reasonable choices and let her make a decision and live with the consequence. THat is part of learning. As the partner experiencing her new journey of self discovery - is to look at what you feel and how you deal with things.
I hear you wanting things to go back to the way they were - may or may not happen. I usually think that when relationships hit bumps or fall apart it is b/c the way things usually are - are not really working if it gets you to this point. So the idea is to be open to change - and that creates anxiety as you sort out what comes next and how will you deal with it. Trying to manage your change and another's will be overwhelming.
If you are not comfortable with anything she suggests then offer her reasonable choices and let her make a decision and live with the consequence. THat is part of learning. As the partner experiencing her new journey of self discovery - is to look at what you feel and how you deal with things.
I hear you wanting things to go back to the way they were - may or may not happen. I usually think that when relationships hit bumps or fall apart it is b/c the way things usually are - are not really working if it gets you to this point. So the idea is to be open to change - and that creates anxiety as you sort out what comes next and how will you deal with it. Trying to manage your change and another's will be overwhelming.
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twitch,
i would agree with kassie. work on your own self. but i do wonder if you could make an appt. with the therapist you have been seeing, just for yourself, to try and sort out this confusion.
i wish i had an "aha" moment while re-reading this thread. could she have coincidentally met someone else? it's just plain weird.
i would agree with kassie. work on your own self. but i do wonder if you could make an appt. with the therapist you have been seeing, just for yourself, to try and sort out this confusion.
i wish i had an "aha" moment while re-reading this thread. could she have coincidentally met someone else? it's just plain weird.
To thine own self be true.
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Hi twitchtides. Here are my perspectives and questions for you to answer yourself; hope something here helps.
And why do you continue to spend such an inordinate amount of your precious time and energy trying to figure out what is going on with this person who obviously has NO RESPECT or LOVE for you, as evidenced by what you are saying in this quote?
Not confusing to me. Your partner is SICK and you continue to allow yourself to be affected by her sickness. Stop it. It does not matter WHY she is doing these things after all these years. The fact of the matter is, she IS and you are running around in circles like a good little codependent trying to figure it out, hoping she'll go back to "normal," wishing she would stop.
Right. She is LYING to you and MANIPULATING you. Call it what it is.
You are allowing ANOTHER person and their disease to shake your foundations. This is not healthy, nor is it healthy for your child. Who have you been WITH for so many years? Try "Who have you BEEN for so many years?" You are "doing" AL-ANON" and "trying" to work on you? How about admitting you are powerless over this alcoholic, that your life has become unmanageable, and coming to believe that a power higher than US can restore you to sanity?
RAGE? She is RAGING at you and you are BLAMING yourself? What next? She throws things at you? She punches you? And it'll all be your fault, right? Because you're a lesbian? Stop it. Lesbianism has NOTHING to do with her FOUL BEHAVIOR. Nor does her imaginary resentment. She is an alcoholic and she is acting like an alcoholic. A.A. my a$$; sounds to me like she's actively drinking.
RIGHT. Read up on the characteristics of an abusive relationship please.
Is she on cocaine too? This is such TYPICAL addictive behavior. What are you confused about? She is MANIPULATING you, controlling you, preying on your emotions, messing with your head, and keeping you close so that you continue to ENABLE her to continue what she wants to do.
BLAME. And you're so busy reacting to the blame, that you can't see the forest for the trees.
Of course you're exhausted. That's how she wants you. And she will continue to do whatever it takes to keep you exhausted. And of course it's inconsistent, it is addiction. You are MIRED in it whether you were aware of it for the last 17 years or not. Time to promise yourself that you will not spend one second more of your PRECIOUS LIFE mired in this bull$hit.
Are you serious? None of this has ANYTHING to do with "newly emotionally sober" alcoholics, trust, respect, autonomy, or HEALTH for that matter.
Now, what do you want and need for YOURSELF?
i hear an awful lot of "f-you".
Yes I know the whole thing seems weird - it's all really, really confusing to me.
She is not being totally honest or making sense about things.
The fact that she literally wants to run so suddenly (appears to me) has shaken my complete foundation, like who have i been with so many years. I am doing al anon and TRYING to work on me, try to stop being reactive, etc, but it's hard for me to put into practice.
In 17 years we've had maybe a handful of fights that lasted maybe 20 minutes at the longest, so i'm really thrown by the RAGE she is exhibiting much of the time. I think maybe I represent the chains that bind her or something and that she resents me for it
she threw a huge surprise wedding for us ... She went nuts and it was the most beautiful wedding you could ever have imagined
Her actions are super confusing: the "i want a separation but no one is moving out", or getting mad at me when i removed my wedding ring (she still has hers on), or talking about future plans while insisting she does not want to be with me (she's talked all the way til next thanksgiving - invited people over). Her ups and downs are completely irrational.
And yes, i agree, i thought it was pretty big for her to go off like this for my one choice to drink.
I'm exhausted with trying to keep up with the "rule" changes - i think she thinks she's being consistent, but it really is super inconsistent.
Does anyone have experience with what i'll call newly "emotionally sober" alcoholics? - that's the best way i guess i can describe her. I am trying to "back off" and get support from al anon and friends and forums like this, it's just really hard. Also, she has NEVER been controlling towards me - she is very controlled about her own life, but we've always given each other a great deal of trust, respect, freedom and autonomy. Now however, she is trying to control a lot, down to the look i might have on my face at a given time.
Now, what do you want and need for YOURSELF?
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wow guys, learn2live, although bordering on being perhaps unkindly blunt, just may have nailed this. i think learn has possibly seen the missing pieces of this strange story. has the partner been manipulative and abusive all along? very shrewd, learn.
(and i for sure agree with the "newly sober" notion - don't think so)
twitch,
i hope you can take care of yourself, distance yourself from this toxic situation, figure out the patterns, then and ultimately find peace.
take care,
(and i for sure agree with the "newly sober" notion - don't think so)
twitch,
i hope you can take care of yourself, distance yourself from this toxic situation, figure out the patterns, then and ultimately find peace.
take care,
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Join Date: Jan 2010
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No offense taken. But i reiterate, she has NEVER been like this before - this is behavior of one month, and one month only.
yes, I am trying to take care of myself, i'm only new to al anon, so i just did step one and am working step 2
I know the more i "let go" the better things are
She insists she is not drinking - believe me, i've asked - and though i've never dealt with an active drinker (her) before, I believe her as i don't know how she'd pull that off given her schedule, etc.
She also insists there is no other person. She just wants to be free of obligations and responsibilites and be able to do what she wants to do, whenever she wants to.
What I want is quite simple, I want my wife to stay with me. I want her to do AA, me to do Alanon and for us to go through this journey together. I want us to treat each other well again, and for us to be able to open up through this process (she has suddenly completely shut me out). I want us to make this marriage work because it is a good one, and I want our last at home child to benefit from seeing a healthy relationship work (obviously not there at the moment). And I want to feel like I can breathe again, stop obsessing over what she is or isn't doing (i've never done this except for the last month) including being jealous and feeling insecure.
I want us to reap the benefits that we have worked so hard for - being able to travel with our child, keeping our family together, enjoying everything that we like to do together. For myself alone - I just want to feel happy again.
I accept that the relationship now is abusive and have told her so, but i guess what throws me is that this is like nothing i've experienced with her. I suppose I am spinning and trying to make sense of a situation that probably just will never make sense. I'm trying to embrace the whole one day at a time concept and not trip over the future, but am finding that challenging.
I don't know. i just don't know. hanging in there, trying to love her where she is at, yet not be a doormat, taking care of myself, trying to detach. Great concepts, challenging to start doing!
yes, I am trying to take care of myself, i'm only new to al anon, so i just did step one and am working step 2
I know the more i "let go" the better things are
She insists she is not drinking - believe me, i've asked - and though i've never dealt with an active drinker (her) before, I believe her as i don't know how she'd pull that off given her schedule, etc.
She also insists there is no other person. She just wants to be free of obligations and responsibilites and be able to do what she wants to do, whenever she wants to.
What I want is quite simple, I want my wife to stay with me. I want her to do AA, me to do Alanon and for us to go through this journey together. I want us to treat each other well again, and for us to be able to open up through this process (she has suddenly completely shut me out). I want us to make this marriage work because it is a good one, and I want our last at home child to benefit from seeing a healthy relationship work (obviously not there at the moment). And I want to feel like I can breathe again, stop obsessing over what she is or isn't doing (i've never done this except for the last month) including being jealous and feeling insecure.
I want us to reap the benefits that we have worked so hard for - being able to travel with our child, keeping our family together, enjoying everything that we like to do together. For myself alone - I just want to feel happy again.
I accept that the relationship now is abusive and have told her so, but i guess what throws me is that this is like nothing i've experienced with her. I suppose I am spinning and trying to make sense of a situation that probably just will never make sense. I'm trying to embrace the whole one day at a time concept and not trip over the future, but am finding that challenging.
I don't know. i just don't know. hanging in there, trying to love her where she is at, yet not be a doormat, taking care of myself, trying to detach. Great concepts, challenging to start doing!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Twitch, when I had doubts about someone I went to a therapist. She helped me a great deal. I hope you can talk one on one with a pro. Although I'm not with an alcoholic anymore I also struggle knowing when I'm being a doormat, too obstinate, when instead of dettaching I should sort things out, its not easy. Take care...go to Alanon, it doesnt matter if she goes or not to AA, Alanon is for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
This is about acceptance which is hard for me to achieve but others are much better at it.
Accept that things have changed. Let go of the past and make your peace with the present. I read that you are trying to control what is happening and we don't get to control the circumstances but our response to what is happening.
Continue with alanon yourself, your therapy and prayer. Keep talking here when needed.
Accept that things have changed. Let go of the past and make your peace with the present. I read that you are trying to control what is happening and we don't get to control the circumstances but our response to what is happening.
Continue with alanon yourself, your therapy and prayer. Keep talking here when needed.
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