tjm78

I posted a couple weeks ago about my girlfriend who had drug/alcohol issues mentioning she wanted to drink, I didn't know if she actually would but she went out this past weekend and had 6 beers. She kept it from me and didn't mention she was even going to a party until the day before, and then she avoided me all day long, didn't call me until she was home, didn't tell me until today. She says she's going to keep doing it, she doesn't think it will turn into an issue because she was more into drugs when she was an addict, but she is giving up AA and doesn't care about it anymore. She just celebrated her anniversary, she's been dealing with ex boyfriend issues and I feel so lost and helpless, I don't know what to do. I don't believe her, I think she's coming undone and this is the first step back on that road. She talked to me about it, sometimes with open arms and sometimes with frustration and anger. Not sure what to do. I was going to go to a Al-Anon a few weeks ago but she either started to act normal or I wasn't even sure if we wre going to stay together so I said "f it" and I don't know what to say or do at these things, I am hopeless.

wicked

You could still go to an AlAnon meeting whether you are with her or not, Tim.
Tim, there is no need to be concerned about what to say or do at meetings, it is very easy. The people there understand what you are going through right now.

You are not hopeless Tim, you might feel a little lost right now.
But hope is still yours, don't let your gf's addiction problems take that from you.
You are here right?
Things will get better when you start to focus on you.
Thank you for coming back,
Beth

FindingPeace1

Welcome back. It's good you are back.

You said you decided to skip Alanon because you weren't sure what was going on with your partner. And, of course, it is up to you whether you decide to go.

But I will say this -
Not everyone would be willing to date an alcoholic.
You and I are willing to.
Why?

The answer to that is very deep and has nothing to do with *them* and everything to do with *us*.
Perhaps even more important than their addiction is
1) our concern and complaints and
2) sticking around despite our complaints.
These behaviors (of ours) show our codependency. We feel frustrated and helpless and want them to change (even though we can't make them change). Some of us stay in relationships for years or a lifetime doing the same thing - feeling unhappy about someone else's behavior, complaining about it, and doing nothing.

Your partner is an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a beast and makes relationships challenging for alcoholics and their partners, whether they are active or trying to recover. This is the beast you are involved with and will be for the length of your relationship with her.

Even if you were to leave her, you'd walk away with the same issues (within yourself) you have now.

What to do??!?
Consider reading the stickies on the top of the board and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and go to some meetings.

Whether you stay with your partner or not, you will have these issues to work through. Reading the stickies and recommended reading, going to Alanon or therapy are all ways to work through some of our OWN problems that led us here and keep us here.

From what I hear you saying, your partner:
* is keeping things from you
* is avoiding you
* is an addict
* is insisting she is going to keep drinking
* is giving up on her recovery program
* feels like she doesn't care
* is dealing with "ex boyfriend issues"
* is angry and frustrated about her drinking

Does this sound good to you? Does this sound like a person that is going to work with you and is on a healing path?

If not, what is your next step to make sure you are taken care of?

Hugs and good luck to you.
Keep us informed!

Wife

tjm78

We've only been dating a few months, when we started dating she had been sober nearly 4 years and was totally convinced she wouldn't do it again. Three weeks ago she found out her ex was dating again and has been on a roller coaster ride. She told me she wanted to drink and that's what drove me here to begin with (not sure if I should tell her sponsor before she did it, I didn't though) and says she made plans to do this long before she did it, says she wants to live a normal life where friends invite her to dinners. She is giving up on AA because she believes God abandoned her and while her closest people (including me) try to tell her she should be grateful he left her, she doesn't see it. This, of course, makes things really really difficult for me because here I am hoping she'd be perfectly happy to be with me, and I treat her good, but she still gets overly emotional at the very mention of his name. And I stay with her because I am confident that once she gets over it, we could have a good relationshp but if she starts drinking again, I don't know. I stand by her now because I'm not willing to abandon her when she really needs me, but some days I don't know if she's coming or going, she gets angry easily (even before her one drinking episode) and distant, what the f**k am I hanging around for?!? She only said that Friday wasn't going to be her last time drinking. By all accounts, her past issues really did seem to center around drugs, not alcohol, but she seems to have given up on people in her life who helped her stay sober, how long before its my turn and she turns her back on me? I can't talk to anyone about this, she doesn't want her past getting out in the open so even my close friends don't know and I respect her privacy, I don't go to therapy and I have nowhere to turn. I have been struggling to decide whether I will stay with her, mostly because I'm afraid she's going to leave me, partly because it burns me she is still hung up on her ex, and partly because she is traveling a path I don't know anything about. I am, as someone here called me, a 'normie' and I have never had drug/alcohol issues and have never done most hard drugs even once, so I truly am just hopeless and lost, I have no answers and if I press her too hard she shuts down.

megan09

Why would you want to be with someone who still has strong feelings for her ex? This is your issue to resolve; maybe you are better off out of any relationship until you have worked on your self worth. As for her, if she is an addict, then she will not be able to control her drinking and you will be in for a nightmare ride. Recovery for an addict means not picking up the first drink or drug, no matter what happens. You cannot save her, but you can stop her abusing you.

wicked

Good morning tjm, (and my apologies for calling you Tim in my last post.)

I agree with megan, you can't save her, and if you tie your self-worth to someone whe is thinking about someone (ex) and something (getting high) else, then you will be standing on the tracks waiting for the train to run you down. And it will run you over time and time again.
Beth

Jadmack25

Sorry tjm, but I have to agree with megan and wicked. Hanging around someone who is still very hung up on an xbf to the extent she uses his dating someone as 1 of the excuses she used to start drinking again, is really a no win result for you.

Frankly I believe she would have used "the moon is blue cheese", as her excuse to drink had she thought of it, but what it boils down to is she wanted/needed to drink.

You are left stuck in the muck and not knowing what is really happening to you or her, let alone your relationship, and waiting for her to give you the chop.

She is going to do what she wants tjm, no matter what and it seems that your feelings are not being considered at all. Trust me, you have seen only the tip of that rotten addiction iceberg, so why stick around for more misery, when it seems you mean little to her?

I agree that you could certainly benefit from using therapy or Alanon to see why you want to be with a woman who cares so deeply still for her xbf, and treats you poorly.
I would be saying goodbye to her, and get to work on me....fast, were I in your place.

I am sorry you are left sad and bewildered, but many of us are well aquainted with feeling that way when in relationships with addicts.

God bless

peaceteach

TJM,

From my experience (was married to an alcoholic) she had EVERY intent to drink, was planning her relapse long before even she knew it, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you (and probably little to do with her ex). She just wasn't ready to quit, that was as good an excuse as any, and now she has to learn a few more lessons - with her magical thinking that "maybe it was the drugs before, not the booze."

TJM, also from my experience, things are most likely going to get worse with this girl before they get better. Heck, they may not get better for a really long time. My exhusband drank after 14 years of sobriety, about 10 years ago, and hasn't stopped yet.

This is LIFE with an ALCOHOLIC, TJM. This is YOUR life with an alcoholic partner. It's not ever over, there is always the possibility that they will drink, every day. Stop and consider, right now, if you want this to be YOUR life? I didn't see it coming either, TJM, had two children with my exAH, spent 28 years married to the man, and still this is what happened to me, to my family.

Another thing that you/she may suffer from, is thinking that somehow YOU are different from other people, that YOU will survive and conquer this illness together, that YOU/SHE aren't really walking that age-old alcoholic/partner of alcoholic path. I think probably we all thought that at one point, that we might just be "the one" who helped our partner "see the light" and find sobriety. Again, it just doesn't happen like that. That other person, your girlfriend, is not thinking of you at all here. It's not about you when she drinks.

But it is about you as to whether you are willing to make YOUR life all about her and her drinking. Do you have a goal, TJM? Do you have dreams? Do you have things you want for yourself in life? That is where your best focus can and should be, from this day forward. Try to stick around and read some of the "stickies" (the notes at the top of this page) and SEE your future. What future does TJM want for himself?

Welcome to SR, TJM. I'm glad you are reaching out and hope you continue to ask the right questions, not for her, but for you.

tjm78

Hi guys, thanks for all the advice. I guess I am staying with her because she technically hasn't done anything wrong yet, she did tell me about drinking when I would never have found out otherwise, she said she didnt tell me about it beforehand because she knew I would be disappointed in her. I can't abandon her, I know she cares about me and I know that I am not going to control her drinking or stop her from doing so, she knows the consequences if it becomes a problem. I am thinking about my future here, too, and holding out hope this isn't going to be a problem, no matter how unlikely a scenario it is. If she starts doing drugs again, she's going to lose everything and everybody in her life, she knows that, and she still swears she will never go down that road again. I don't know...I feel like I am fooling myself, listening to a liar, but what if I'm wrong?

tjm78

just a side note, she really doesn't treat me poorly or abusive, she gets frustrated when I try to press her for her feelings. I know perfectly well that my fear of her leaving me is probably 60% of my own anxieties and even insecurities, she thinks I should be okay with the fact that she loves me and leave it at that. And no offense, many of you have stated that you've been with your alcoholic SO's for a while; did you abandon them? Its not my desire to purposely seek out addicts, this is a first for me, but would you really jump ship at the first sign of trouble?

megan09

You are not wrong; listen to your gut feeling, that inner voice. Although she had a drug problem, addicts will use ANY mind-altering substance. Booze is also a drug. Using any drug will usually lead an addict back to their drug of choice eventually. Either that, or the drink will become the new drug of choice. If you decide to stay, seek out Al-Anon meetings in your area or you will become her chief enabler. I wish you well, but as I said, I believe you have a lot of work to do on yourself, never mind her.

JenT1968

I'm not saying leave her that is your choice but you might want to look at that statement closely. In my opinion good/bad/right/wrong aren't really all that helpful when it comes to relationships, I was once asked out on a date by a man who was really mad-keen on fishing, he spent a lot of time fishing, talked about fishing, shopped for fishing stuff (yawn), that isn't "wrong", but it also isn't an interest I shared and after a while it became clear that we weren't compatible, so I ended it. You are clearly very unsure about the relationship and whether it is/will be a good one for you to be in. Look at the list that wife of a drinker wrote about your gf's recent behaviour.

Is that the behaviour of someone you want to be in a commited relationship with?

tjm78

Everyone keeps telling me go to, but what is it going to do for me? Honestly, I have no idea what to do or expect. Don't you go to talk? Talk therapy? How would I become her chief enabler, when everyone tells me I can't control it? Is it possible this is an isolated incident?

I am a level headed person, but I cannot allow myself to abandon someone in need. its not in my nature. I have been thinking about sending her sponsor an email about something else just to see if she'll ask me about her, but I feel that's sneaky. If anyone can help her, it's her old AA friends, the ones she's giving up on, I know I'm useless in this fight. But I can't violate her trust and just tell them.

Learn2Live

Oh tjm, I am so sorry she has relapsed. My only advice is to try to shift your focus off HER and onto YOU. You already know how to do this, you just need to remember. Please try.

Mr B

I think I can safely speak for everyone here and say that, boy, do we know that feeling. And that level of compassion and caring says an awful lot about you and your character. But one thing we need to learn when dealing with someone who has problems with addiction is that we are also in need. We have a responsibility towards ourselves to seek happiness and to build fulfilling relationships with people who care about us. It is not healthy to abandon ourselves in an attempt to avoid abandoning someone else. It's when we repeatedly put our own best interests in second place, and end up obsessed with someone else's drinking (or drug taking etc), that normal caring turns into problematic codependency.

But it's early days for you and your girlfriend. It's clear that her drinking has caused a great deal of emotional turmoil for you and I can understand that. It must have put your future together in a completely different light. Your girlfriend is allowed to choose to drink and in doing so she is also choosing to risk returning to active alcoholism. Your choice is whether you are comfortable that someone with whom you are in a relationship is taking that kind of risk, or not. At the same time, it may be worth thinking about what kind of behaviours are complete deal-breakers for you.

Mr B.

tjm78

She says she feels she is going to come out on top of all of this once she gets through it. Personally, I think she's clinically depressed, experiencing a panic disorder, but refuses to be seen or get help for it (she doesn't like the medication's possible side effects, for a while I wasn't sure if she was just afraid of taking anything that could cause her to relapse). She really is a sweet girl, I think I am also not willing to abandon her because I want to see her get through this and succeed. It was just once, (so far) and she promised me she'd stay open with me about it and not hide it (there are two things I am not willing to put up with in a relationship - lying and cheating, she hasn't done either of those) and seems to be really upbeat since, which scares me but makes me feel okay at the same time.

Also, I see that some people have thanked responders at the bottom of their replies...I don't know how to do this, if someone could help me with that it'd be appreciated. I need to thank every one of you for responding.

lc2846

This question drives the partners of addicts crazy, because it's illogical that you can make someone worse but you can't make them better. It took a long time to hit home that nothing about addiction or addicts is logical. If it were, they would all quit and make their lives better.

Good luck to you, tjm. It sounds like you're nowhere near ready to break up with her, which is your right. If that's true, please read as much as you can on this board (people's stories here opened my eyes much more than any advice ever did). Counseling (or Al-Anon if you can't afford counseling) would probably be very helpful to you. And by all means focus on yourself--your needs, your dreams, your requirements for a good relationship--regardless of what she does.

You're hurting, or you wouldn't be here. Please take care of you.

Edit: there's a thanks button at the bottom right of each post. Thanks for your thanks!

tjm78

Thanks, my name isn't Tim but I can see where you may think that with the initials I used.

tjm78

Alright, another question: do I break her trust and talk to one of my friends about everything? I preach the importance of honesty in a relationship but it's something I would never tell her I did, which is hypocritical but I'm afraid of asking her permission. I have a good friend whose father is an alcoholic and could maybe get some advice from him.

Learn2Live

tjm, Your question indicates to me that you are not taking care of yourself; that you are making decisions about your life based on how the alcoholic would perceive or react to your actions; that you are engaged in the dance of manipulation with the alcoholic. Do you realize that about yourself?

You can clearly make this decision on your own. You have only to ask: What is the healthier choice for ME?