Seeking support while I extricate myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
I do have a secondary remote location available too.
He doesn't have a car, (that is running) he doesn't have any money. (But can always find alcohol.) The first remote location, as I mentioned, has a hi-tech alarm system that connects to the police and I can park my car in the garage, which is attached to the house. Meaning, I can get in my car from the house and leave. I'll have to make sure all of the doors are locked while I am there.
He's pretending he's been sober all week, however...
Usually, they will go on a big bender before rehab, right? Isn't that the pattern?
He doesn't have a car, (that is running) he doesn't have any money. (But can always find alcohol.) The first remote location, as I mentioned, has a hi-tech alarm system that connects to the police and I can park my car in the garage, which is attached to the house. Meaning, I can get in my car from the house and leave. I'll have to make sure all of the doors are locked while I am there.
He's pretending he's been sober all week, however...
Usually, they will go on a big bender before rehab, right? Isn't that the pattern?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Hello Whiteyford....I say stick to whats already in the works ... he's all grown up he can move on a moments notice if need be....and why should you have to change any more plans for him??? Its your life and plans and you can do what you want...he's going to do what he's going to do no matter what...and believe us when we tell you that they always find a way to keep us changing what we do just for them....it's never ending...until you end it your way.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Originally Posted by Janitw 
... he's all grown up he can move on a moments notice if need be...he's going to do what he's going to do no matter what...
Congratulations btw. You are really handling this well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
An update:
The process server screwed up and served the 30 day eviction notice on Thursday instead of Friday, as planned. The idea is that I would not be around when he was served, but as it turned out, we were leaving the house---I was giving him a ride to an AA meeting---when the process server struck.
When we stopped at a stoplight and I turned to look at him, he had tears running down his face. I was unmoved. I figured an AA meeting was the best place for him.
I rushed home and threw my stuff in a bag and fled to my brother's house and then the next day I picked up my friend from the train station and came to the remote location. We met up with friends who have a ski cabin at the bottom of the mountain and went skiing on Sunday and Monday. Great fun! And I can still ski well, even at my advanced age!
ABF sent a couple of emails saying he was still going to rehab on Tuesday. I didn't respond. Yesterday, I went back to the house, and he is definately not there, so I guess he is at the rehab. He said he'd cal or write me a letter in a couple of weeks. Also, his elderly mother fell and broke her hip and is in the hospital. A bummer for sure---too bad he has no money and no car to go visit her.
I figure he'll be at the rehab until Feb 15th or 16th. I plan on going back to the house and packing up his stuff. I suppose I will let him stay there for a few days after rehab and before he gets things together for a new place. But once the eviction order is in place (after the 15th of Feb.) I can call the cops to remove him. So I figure I'll set a deadline for him to be totally out, by say the 25th of Feb.---and back it up with the fact that the sheriff will physically evict him if he doesn't leave of his own free will by then. I think the rehab may be able to help him find a place to live so I have to make it clear to him that he can't just move back in.
Today I'm going to be moving and stacking a big load of firewood that I had delivered the other day and enjoying the snow covered mountain views.
The process server screwed up and served the 30 day eviction notice on Thursday instead of Friday, as planned. The idea is that I would not be around when he was served, but as it turned out, we were leaving the house---I was giving him a ride to an AA meeting---when the process server struck.
When we stopped at a stoplight and I turned to look at him, he had tears running down his face. I was unmoved. I figured an AA meeting was the best place for him.
I rushed home and threw my stuff in a bag and fled to my brother's house and then the next day I picked up my friend from the train station and came to the remote location. We met up with friends who have a ski cabin at the bottom of the mountain and went skiing on Sunday and Monday. Great fun! And I can still ski well, even at my advanced age!
ABF sent a couple of emails saying he was still going to rehab on Tuesday. I didn't respond. Yesterday, I went back to the house, and he is definately not there, so I guess he is at the rehab. He said he'd cal or write me a letter in a couple of weeks. Also, his elderly mother fell and broke her hip and is in the hospital. A bummer for sure---too bad he has no money and no car to go visit her.
I figure he'll be at the rehab until Feb 15th or 16th. I plan on going back to the house and packing up his stuff. I suppose I will let him stay there for a few days after rehab and before he gets things together for a new place. But once the eviction order is in place (after the 15th of Feb.) I can call the cops to remove him. So I figure I'll set a deadline for him to be totally out, by say the 25th of Feb.---and back it up with the fact that the sheriff will physically evict him if he doesn't leave of his own free will by then. I think the rehab may be able to help him find a place to live so I have to make it clear to him that he can't just move back in.
Today I'm going to be moving and stacking a big load of firewood that I had delivered the other day and enjoying the snow covered mountain views.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
just rem, he is making choices or made these choices. After being away from situation, you may find a different perspective. I know for me, I wished I would have unplugged the money line, alot sooner. He has no money, but has enough to drink. Seen that...
When I stopped doing anything for him - He Started looking for another place to stay. I left the remaining things in the hall, someone came & got them. I know he wasn't going to do it, so I put in a change of address for him - General Delivery, Anytown. Change the locks. Fortunately for me, I knew this prior to him moving, he lost the key to my top lock
I always lock them both.
But at first, I know I could have crumbled at times... Then he found his next hook, & she (sad for her) took him away
She didn't keep him long, but long enough that he wasn't coming back here.
When I stopped doing anything for him - He Started looking for another place to stay. I left the remaining things in the hall, someone came & got them. I know he wasn't going to do it, so I put in a change of address for him - General Delivery, Anytown. Change the locks. Fortunately for me, I knew this prior to him moving, he lost the key to my top lock
I always lock them both. But at first, I know I could have crumbled at times... Then he found his next hook, & she (sad for her) took him away
She didn't keep him long, but long enough that he wasn't coming back here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
He called me from rehab this afternoon. I was curt. I kept remembering the time he called me mean and I said, without skipping a beat, "Yeah, I'm meaner than a junk yard dog." And the time he called me an Ice Queen and I said, "That's Queen Ice Queen to you, buddy."
He seemed eager to know if he could come back to the apartment. I said no---you cannot live in my apartment anymore and I will be at the remote location until you are moved out. He asked about packing and I said that we could arrange a mutually convenient time for him to pack and take his stuff. He rather pathetically asked if he could still work for my mom in April. I said not for me to determine, but prob. not.
Oh, I also just found out that he had somehow cadged 120.00 from one of my mom's neighbors, so I mentioned that.
And I told him not to call me any old time, but he could call me two weeks from today, on the 7th of Feb. to discuss him moving out. And I suggested the people at the rehab might be able to help him with finding a place to live.
He seemed eager to know if he could come back to the apartment. I said no---you cannot live in my apartment anymore and I will be at the remote location until you are moved out. He asked about packing and I said that we could arrange a mutually convenient time for him to pack and take his stuff. He rather pathetically asked if he could still work for my mom in April. I said not for me to determine, but prob. not.
Oh, I also just found out that he had somehow cadged 120.00 from one of my mom's neighbors, so I mentioned that.
And I told him not to call me any old time, but he could call me two weeks from today, on the 7th of Feb. to discuss him moving out. And I suggested the people at the rehab might be able to help him with finding a place to live.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
wow, whitey, you are so resolute!
i don't see why you feel you should allow him to stay a few days after he checks out of rehab. that doesn't make sense to me -- clean break!
good luck to you
i don't see why you feel you should allow him to stay a few days after he checks out of rehab. that doesn't make sense to me -- clean break!
good luck to you
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
were it me -
I';d move out everything EVERYTIHING that is his -
rent a storage unit- put it ALL in there
have the car impounded...
and leave the key (to the storage) with the sheriff
who will serve him with a 'no contact' notice upon his leaving the rehab.
just a thought.
I';d move out everything EVERYTIHING that is his -
rent a storage unit- put it ALL in there
have the car impounded...
and leave the key (to the storage) with the sheriff
who will serve him with a 'no contact' notice upon his leaving the rehab.
just a thought.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
Update:
He got out of rehab Sunday---called me to arrange a time when he could pick up his laptop, ipod and mail. Fine. Met him this am, told him that I want him to pick up the rest of his stuff (which is in the downstairs lobby--locked)in one fell swoop and to let me know when he has a place to put it. He left and I relocked the place.
He said he had no place to stay. I shrugged and suggested he get in touch with his friends from AA. Wanted a ride to Social Services but I said I could not help him with that.
And he was drunk. Come to find out later that he had gone to a friend's and stolen a bottle of vintage whiskey/scotch that the friend's brother had as a keepsake/heirloom. No surprise and I only found out this tidbit by chance.
I am safely ensconced at the remote location with two friends.
Seriously considering putting his stuff (it's not much) in storage. Not letting him stay in the house but he'll prob. sneak into the garage out back to pass out. Whatever.
Downstairs neighbors are aware of situation and said they'd call cops and me if he tries to break in to the house.
He got out of rehab Sunday---called me to arrange a time when he could pick up his laptop, ipod and mail. Fine. Met him this am, told him that I want him to pick up the rest of his stuff (which is in the downstairs lobby--locked)in one fell swoop and to let me know when he has a place to put it. He left and I relocked the place.
He said he had no place to stay. I shrugged and suggested he get in touch with his friends from AA. Wanted a ride to Social Services but I said I could not help him with that.
And he was drunk. Come to find out later that he had gone to a friend's and stolen a bottle of vintage whiskey/scotch that the friend's brother had as a keepsake/heirloom. No surprise and I only found out this tidbit by chance.
I am safely ensconced at the remote location with two friends.
Seriously considering putting his stuff (it's not much) in storage. Not letting him stay in the house but he'll prob. sneak into the garage out back to pass out. Whatever.
Downstairs neighbors are aware of situation and said they'd call cops and me if he tries to break in to the house.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
whitey, it seems that he got nothing from his rehab stay, but you sure did.
Him out of your hair for a while, time to think, decide and act.
I am with Barb, get his gear out and someone to call cops if he turns up.
I bet his "friend" is ready to kill him for stealing that bottle of heirloom scotch, so that is 1 friend less to help him. Keep this up and his rock bottom will be hitting in no time.
Stay strong and all the best.
God bless
Him out of your hair for a while, time to think, decide and act.
I am with Barb, get his gear out and someone to call cops if he turns up.
I bet his "friend" is ready to kill him for stealing that bottle of heirloom scotch, so that is 1 friend less to help him. Keep this up and his rock bottom will be hitting in no time.
Stay strong and all the best.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
Sadly, he seems to be in a death spiral.
Have had minimal contact---maybe two phone calls, him calling me. I keep the conversation to: When are you picking up your stuff? Got a place to put it? When are you getting the car out of the driveway?
Stopped by a friend's and, yikes, he was there! When he turned toward me as I was walking into the house, I could see that his face was a mess---big cuts and scabs, black eye. I asked what happened and he said he got in a fight. His knuckles were all bashed up too. He tried to engage me in conversation---he loves me, etc. I left quickly. Oh, he was drunk.
He was never in a fight for the 3 years we were together. He looked really bad.
Got a report from a neighbor that he stopped by my house and retrieved his mail from mailbox (fine with me) and took his bike, which was in the unlocked garage. (also fine with me)
He was supposed to have a road test for his license and I had said ages ago that I'd take him to the test and let him use my car, but he blew it off. He rescheduled and I said I'd help him again. I don't want to deal with the hassle, however, if he gets his license, he can drive away! Or get a DWI and be imprisoned. Both outcomes would get him away from me.
His stuff is still in the lobby and I'm still at the remote location. He hasn't been bothering me about the stuff, so I figure it's good there until he can move it all in one swoop. But I have been considering packing it up and putting it in a storage unit.
Learned that I can have his car removed legally and may do that if this drags on.
In the meantime, I went skiing 7 times, climbed a small mountain, went snowshoeing, threw a dinner party for 22 people, and I have lots of plans for the spring and summer. Have a new boyfriend too.
Have had minimal contact---maybe two phone calls, him calling me. I keep the conversation to: When are you picking up your stuff? Got a place to put it? When are you getting the car out of the driveway?
Stopped by a friend's and, yikes, he was there! When he turned toward me as I was walking into the house, I could see that his face was a mess---big cuts and scabs, black eye. I asked what happened and he said he got in a fight. His knuckles were all bashed up too. He tried to engage me in conversation---he loves me, etc. I left quickly. Oh, he was drunk.
He was never in a fight for the 3 years we were together. He looked really bad.
Got a report from a neighbor that he stopped by my house and retrieved his mail from mailbox (fine with me) and took his bike, which was in the unlocked garage. (also fine with me)
He was supposed to have a road test for his license and I had said ages ago that I'd take him to the test and let him use my car, but he blew it off. He rescheduled and I said I'd help him again. I don't want to deal with the hassle, however, if he gets his license, he can drive away! Or get a DWI and be imprisoned. Both outcomes would get him away from me.
His stuff is still in the lobby and I'm still at the remote location. He hasn't been bothering me about the stuff, so I figure it's good there until he can move it all in one swoop. But I have been considering packing it up and putting it in a storage unit.
Learned that I can have his car removed legally and may do that if this drags on.
In the meantime, I went skiing 7 times, climbed a small mountain, went snowshoeing, threw a dinner party for 22 people, and I have lots of plans for the spring and summer. Have a new boyfriend too.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
But I have been considering packing it up and putting it in a storage unit.
I'd consider giving him a deadline. You won't be able to completely move on until his possessions aren't hanging over your head.
Keep on stepping forward. Sad that he's choosing to screw up his life further but...well...his life, his choice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
Yeah, putting his stuff in storage is getting more and more attractive.
We have a time scheduled for me to meet him to take him to the rescheduled driving test.
He called today to see about getting spring clothes for the driving test. Fine---we'll have time before the test for you to look thru your clothes and change.
No, he wants all of his spring clothes, not just to change into one set for the test. Fine. You can throw a bunch in a bag and put it in the garage and retrieve them whenever you want.
No---blah, blah, blah.
I had to interrupt him multiple times from his meanderings to get this one sentence out:
If you would like to pick up your clothes, meet me at 9:15 on Monday morning at my house instead of the library like we had arranged earlier.
We have a time scheduled for me to meet him to take him to the rescheduled driving test.
He called today to see about getting spring clothes for the driving test. Fine---we'll have time before the test for you to look thru your clothes and change.
No, he wants all of his spring clothes, not just to change into one set for the test. Fine. You can throw a bunch in a bag and put it in the garage and retrieve them whenever you want.
No---blah, blah, blah.
I had to interrupt him multiple times from his meanderings to get this one sentence out:
If you would like to pick up your clothes, meet me at 9:15 on Monday morning at my house instead of the library like we had arranged earlier.
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