12stepnchick

This weekend started out amazing.....went with BF(non alcholic) to a Festival in town and then we decided to take the bikes out for a ride. While he was putting air in the tires, I picked up his fancy pants cell to call my son at home and warn him to turn off the xbox if it stormed. Not sure how I did it, but guess it was a sign, somehow I ended up in the middle of a text message on BF's phone...



He was texting another girl from his work, about his feelings for a coworker of theirs. To make a long story shorter, this woman he has feelings for he "dated" in Novemeber for 3 mths then ended things because she would not leave her husband. She is also 15 yrs his junior. He told me about her when we first met and the relationship and that it was over, he was lonely, made a mistake and had no feelings for her now.



The text I read pretty much said that this woman wanted him to come back to the house they all share (there are 17 health care workers from my area that rent a place together in another area 3 hrs away to be closer to work. They stay there when they work then come home on days off) so that she could talk to him, and that she missed him 2 but that didn't change anything. His responses where along the lines of what should I do? I don't know what to do? Should I skip my meeting? I could make up a GOOD reason and go back to the house and talk to her. The ending part of the conversaton was that he said "what's it matter, she is never going to leave and I am going to my meeting" Not once did he mention ME his girlfriend, etc etc.



Well after reading the text I let it all out. We ended up turning around and going back to my house and canceling the ride. We went for a LONGGG walk and talked and I cried most of it,,,,,,,,I asked him how could you be intimate with me? And be a part of my life like you have and my son's and STILL have feelings for someone else? He said "well havent you ever dated someone and still had feelings for an ex?" I told him how could I ever trust him. He lied to me about this girls name, and he lied to me from day one when I asked him if she stayed in the house with all the others. He had told me no, and then tells me yesterday "well she was staying there for 2 mths and nothing happened and it was no big deal until you found out" It went on and on and on with hrs of walking and bawling, him wanting to work it out and me thinking it was impossible. He kept saying over and over "doesn't the fact that I didn't go back and talk to her mean anything? and that he cared more for me than for her and didn't want to risk us"



This morning I asked him if he could call off work and stay with me-I told him I didn't think we'd have a chance at getting through this if he left and that I needed him here. He said if he did he'd get a warning and could loose his job if he had an emergency etc, but would try, I said it's funny how quickly he was going to blow off his meeting for M, but he can't be here for me. As he is telling me that he is packing up all his stuff for his work week. He was going to go to his grandmothers, then call work and see what he could do. As he was leaving I asked him to take the package on the counter in the kitchen with him, he said "why what's in it" and I said your birthday gift (his b day is next weekend) he said "do you think I'm not coming back?" and I said just take it and he said no and it was still there when I came down.



He then called me at 330, told me he had called work and 2 other people had already called off (sure they did) and he had to go in. We talked a bit and he told me I had to make a decision as to whether or not I still wanted to see him. I said I don't know right now. I told him I honestly didn't see how it could work and that I was angry with him for ruining everything.......He again said "doesn't it matter that I didn't go? that I chose you?" He wants to stay together and says he cares for me more, and that he didn't want to care for her.



I texted him later and told him I wanted him to go see this woman, and that if he could go see her and talk to her and tell me honestly afterward that there was no feelings there and it was over,and that he still cared more about me, us and our future, then we could talk about how to try to make it work and that if I didn't hear from him I'd know the answer and would take his stuff he had at my house (he stays with me mostly when he is in town on his days off) to his sister's and drop it off. I told him everything I had ever told him was the truth and that I honestly believed we were meant to be. He said he felt the same. And that was that.



Now I'm sitting here crushed.....I know if it's not God's will I can't make it happen, but that doesn't stop the pain. And even if he called tonight and said that he was over her and it was done I don't know that I'd ever be able to feel the same way about him again or believe him. It was like everytime I asked him if she left her husband 2 mths or 6mths from now-then what would happen to us and all he could say was that won't happen, she won't leave.



I know I'm in a mess, and I guess I know in my heart it's over. I know he still has feelings for her, that he says he wishes he didn't and doesn't want to, but he does. So that leaves me in second place.....but then he didn't cheat with her, he didn't go to her to talk, he didn't do anything but lie about her. He said he knew I'd never go out with him if I knew she lived there too, and I told him he had no right to decide that for me.



So what do I do now? I'm so sick from this I can't eat. I feel like the world's biggest fool for believing all of this man's lies.......and yet I still care for him. I feel like the biggest looser for ever listening to this man to begin with. I even told him on the phone that it seemed like all this was easy for him, that he didnt seem hurt at all and his response was I'm sorry you feel that way????WTF???? This man has done so many kind and caring things for me and my son that I can't believe he would do this......

Can someone tell me when this pain and hurt will subside?

Bolina

I can't do that.

I can give a big (((hug))) and tell you that you will be ok.

Nasty people have to be nice sometimes otherwise you will run a mile at the first crapness.

dollydo

Sometimes there is no answer, for some reason he cannot leave her go. Do I think this will change in the near future? No.

Maybe if you back off, he will figure out what he really wants.

You will work through this, you have seen him for what he really is, a player.

Now, pamper yourself, tomorrow is another day!

Jenny1232

He already lied about her.. he's going to continue to lie about her.

I wouldn't believe anything he says; call me a cynic, but he's showed his true colors. He just going to say what you want to hear.

It sounds like he can't have her... so he's settling for you. I realize how harsh that sounds, and I feel bad for even saying it. I'm sorry for your pain. Nothing, except for time is going to take that away.

Big hugs to you!

DesertEyes

Meeting? Sponsor? Reach out to a newcomer?

Have a seat. We all believe our alkies, that's why we end up here. I believed my ex for a long time too, so maybe you're not the _biggest_ fool, maybe you're just a regular alanoid like the rest of us

What part of him? I still care for the good parts of my ex-wife. She had a lot of good qualities. Problem is she came as a package, good with the bad. If I could have picked out just the good I would have, but that's not the way it works. With the help of al-anon I walked away from the _whole_ package, and went looking for a lady who had a whole lot less bad in her package.

That's what alcoholics do. That's how you know when you have been stung by one, because they have that "dual personality". It's like a dog that gets rabies. It was once a loving, loyal and wonderful creature, but the disease takes over and one day they change and become a creature you can't recognize. That's the way it was with my ex-wife.

For me the pain stopped when I quit putting my hand in the fire. As long as I kept believing in the fantasy that my wife would change she kept not changing and I kept getting hurt. As long as I kept begging her to quit running around she kept not stopping and I kept getting hurt. Every time I asked her to get help for her pill addiction she kept not getting help and I kept getting hurt.

I am not all that sure which one of us was sicker, her for not changing her behavior or me for not changing _my_ behavior.

So I got into al-anon. Jumped into the deep end. Lots of meetings, sponsor, steps, sponsees, the whole thing. Whadya know, I started believing that _I_ could change and I did. I stopped calling her and texting her and I stopped getting hurt. I asked for help for _me_ and I got better.

Now I don't hurt anymore. I used to. My first couple months in al-anon I cried like a baby. Now I just hope she's doing good and that she'll find recovery some day. I'm grateful for the good times, sorry for the bad times, but I've moved on and living a new life.

Mike

FindingPeace1

Can someone tell me when this pain and hurt will subside?
DesertEyes rocked it on this one.

When you change YOUR behavior.
When you surround yourself with healthy people.
When you stop accepting crap.
When you start creating joy.

When YOU choose it to stop.
You have the power to choose.

Hugs,
Peace