Seeking support while I extricate myself
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Youre gonna wind up with that restraining order.
That's what alcoholism is - a death spiral.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
You're doing it exactly ... how it is done.
I *can* be quite mean.
It's a whole OTHER side of me that
I've worked YEARS to keep in line.
But this ... is just .. efficient.
I'm whatch call .... 'seasoned'.
That's what alcoholism is - a death spiral.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!
You're doing it exactly ... how it is done.
ooooh barb, you so mean! I *love* it.
It's a whole OTHER side of me that
I've worked YEARS to keep in line.
But this ... is just .. efficient.
I'm whatch call .... 'seasoned'.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
Stupid drama. I had to work today, so I figured I could stay at my house in town tonight and meet him tomorrow as planned.
Within a half hour of me being home, he calls---to confirm our appt. tomorrow. Fine.
A neighor friend comes over and the phone rings---he needs to put the bike in the garage and wanted to let me know. Fine.
Phone rings again. He needs to get some clothes now. Fine, I'm thinking, the neighor is here. He is drunk and paws thru his stuff in the lobby and then announces that he's going to go upstairs. He doesn't know the neighbor is there. Fine. He blusters up the stairs, civilly says hello to the neighbor who was a mutual friend and then works himself into a full blown tirade. Shouting, stomping, not making sense.
The downstairs tenant calls to ask if the cops should be called while the neighbor tries to reason and urge him to take his clothes and go.
I said no, neighbor is here, it'll be alright. More yelling on his part as he rifles through clothes. Then he went into the kitchen---neighbor and I stayed in the tv room, and we hear a great crashing. Tenants call again upon hearing crash.
Dumbass threw the microwave oven (given to him/us by my mom) down the back stairs, smashing it to bits.
He left, neighbor left and then I left. Called an old female friend and said, "Hey, howabout we go to the remote location tonight and stay over?"
The appointment for me letting him use my car for the driving test is off. His crap is going into storage asap. The car will be towed away in due time. (soon)
My old female friend and I had a fine time drinking tea and talking about our gardens, poured over some seed catalogs, even sketched some plans. She said, "As long as there is as much as a dirty tee-shirt of his at your house, he's gonna think you are soulmates forever."
The eviction notice, locked door, me moving out of my own house and me having a new boyfriend apparently will not do to make him realize that it's over.
Within a half hour of me being home, he calls---to confirm our appt. tomorrow. Fine.
A neighor friend comes over and the phone rings---he needs to put the bike in the garage and wanted to let me know. Fine.
Phone rings again. He needs to get some clothes now. Fine, I'm thinking, the neighor is here. He is drunk and paws thru his stuff in the lobby and then announces that he's going to go upstairs. He doesn't know the neighbor is there. Fine. He blusters up the stairs, civilly says hello to the neighbor who was a mutual friend and then works himself into a full blown tirade. Shouting, stomping, not making sense.
The downstairs tenant calls to ask if the cops should be called while the neighbor tries to reason and urge him to take his clothes and go.
I said no, neighbor is here, it'll be alright. More yelling on his part as he rifles through clothes. Then he went into the kitchen---neighbor and I stayed in the tv room, and we hear a great crashing. Tenants call again upon hearing crash.
Dumbass threw the microwave oven (given to him/us by my mom) down the back stairs, smashing it to bits.
He left, neighbor left and then I left. Called an old female friend and said, "Hey, howabout we go to the remote location tonight and stay over?"
The appointment for me letting him use my car for the driving test is off. His crap is going into storage asap. The car will be towed away in due time. (soon)
My old female friend and I had a fine time drinking tea and talking about our gardens, poured over some seed catalogs, even sketched some plans. She said, "As long as there is as much as a dirty tee-shirt of his at your house, he's gonna think you are soulmates forever."
The eviction notice, locked door, me moving out of my own house and me having a new boyfriend apparently will not do to make him realize that it's over.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
"As long as there is as much as a dirty tee-shirt of his at your house, he's gonna think you are soulmates forever."
I never came to get it. But it was the connection he clung to. Glad you're removing this from your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
Before I was able to move his stuff into a storage unit, he contacted me saying that he really wanted to get his car out of my driveway (good) and he has an AA friend who has a big truck who can tow it (true) but he needs the title. Can he come get it? Do I know where it is?
Don't know where it is, but if it was with your stuff, it still is. We arranged a time when he could meet me at the house.
So he came over to get the title. He's going thru a briefcase in the lobby, not finding it, getting frustrated, reeking of booze, and then he starts accusing me of doing something with it.
Nope, don't want the title, don't want the car. I picked up that bag as it sat upstairs and placed it here---I didn't look in it. And if you're going to be like this you can leave right now and I'm putting your stuff in storage and you can go find it there. Please leave.
He went outside and I locked the door but then he suggested I call the police to supervise. Fine. I called the non emergency number and explained that my ex-boyfriend is at my house to collect his stuff and it would be great if they could send someone to oversee the process. They showed up and were fine. I said I'd like him to put all of the stuff at the bottom of the stairs in his car or the garage, then he can look through it at his leisure. Cops agreed and even carried a bunch of stuff back there. I left and returned to the remote location.
He left a message saying he did find the title and he is organizing the towing of the car and it will be gone soon.
We shall see. At least the stuff is not physically in my house. Just in the car in my driveway and in my garage. For now, but not for long.
Don't know where it is, but if it was with your stuff, it still is. We arranged a time when he could meet me at the house.
So he came over to get the title. He's going thru a briefcase in the lobby, not finding it, getting frustrated, reeking of booze, and then he starts accusing me of doing something with it.
Nope, don't want the title, don't want the car. I picked up that bag as it sat upstairs and placed it here---I didn't look in it. And if you're going to be like this you can leave right now and I'm putting your stuff in storage and you can go find it there. Please leave.
He went outside and I locked the door but then he suggested I call the police to supervise. Fine. I called the non emergency number and explained that my ex-boyfriend is at my house to collect his stuff and it would be great if they could send someone to oversee the process. They showed up and were fine. I said I'd like him to put all of the stuff at the bottom of the stairs in his car or the garage, then he can look through it at his leisure. Cops agreed and even carried a bunch of stuff back there. I left and returned to the remote location.
He left a message saying he did find the title and he is organizing the towing of the car and it will be gone soon.
We shall see. At least the stuff is not physically in my house. Just in the car in my driveway and in my garage. For now, but not for long.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Jesus wept.
And to think I actually believed that getting 3 small kids up, breakfasted, dressed and off to kindy and school was an effort.
Reading your posts on the hassles and stuff ups of just getting his gear out of your place, exhausts me......I'd rather have the 3 kids.
Oh, well at least you have managed to get the stuff out the darn door.....wonder what length of time it will now take to go altogether.....Er....how long is your driveway?
God bless
And to think I actually believed that getting 3 small kids up, breakfasted, dressed and off to kindy and school was an effort.
Reading your posts on the hassles and stuff ups of just getting his gear out of your place, exhausts me......I'd rather have the 3 kids.
Oh, well at least you have managed to get the stuff out the darn door.....wonder what length of time it will now take to go altogether.....Er....how long is your driveway?
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
Jesus wept.
And to think I actually believed that getting 3 small kids up, breakfasted, dressed and off to kindy and school was an effort.
Reading your posts on the hassles and stuff ups of just getting his gear out of your place, exhausts me......I'd rather have the 3 kids.
Oh, well at least you have managed to get the stuff out the darn door.....wonder what length of time it will now take to go altogether.....Er....how long is your driveway?
God bless
And to think I actually believed that getting 3 small kids up, breakfasted, dressed and off to kindy and school was an effort.
Reading your posts on the hassles and stuff ups of just getting his gear out of your place, exhausts me......I'd rather have the 3 kids.
Oh, well at least you have managed to get the stuff out the darn door.....wonder what length of time it will now take to go altogether.....Er....how long is your driveway?
God bless
I'd rather change a thousand dirty diapers than deal with an Alkie.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Jesus wept.
And to think I actually believed that getting 3 small kids up, breakfasted, dressed and off to kindy and school was an effort.
Reading your posts on the hassles and stuff ups of just getting his gear out of your place, exhausts me......I'd rather have the 3 kids.
Oh, well at least you have managed to get the stuff out the darn door.....wonder what length of time it will now take to go altogether.....Er....how long is your driveway?
God bless
And to think I actually believed that getting 3 small kids up, breakfasted, dressed and off to kindy and school was an effort.
Reading your posts on the hassles and stuff ups of just getting his gear out of your place, exhausts me......I'd rather have the 3 kids.
Oh, well at least you have managed to get the stuff out the darn door.....wonder what length of time it will now take to go altogether.....Er....how long is your driveway?
God bless
I'd rather change a thousand dirty diapers than deal with an Alkie.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
The saga continues. I did take him to his driver's test which he failed. Stupid, careless mistakes. At least he wasn't drunk.
Oh, he went back to rehab for a while there too.
All of his stuff is out of the house, but it's in the garage and his car is in the driveway. It's going to be towed May 4 and I wrote a check for 50.00 to the tow company; otherwise it would be there forever.
Of course he came by to "check" on his stuff in the garage. And he ended up stepping on and breaking some of the plants that are sprouting by the side of my house. More carelessness.
So let's see, he was served the eviction notice Jan. 15th and it's almost May and he's still annoying me. I did insist that he only contact me via email, so at least he's not knocking on my door or phoning.
Slowly, too slowly, he is finally getting out of my life.
Oh, he went back to rehab for a while there too.
All of his stuff is out of the house, but it's in the garage and his car is in the driveway. It's going to be towed May 4 and I wrote a check for 50.00 to the tow company; otherwise it would be there forever.
Of course he came by to "check" on his stuff in the garage. And he ended up stepping on and breaking some of the plants that are sprouting by the side of my house. More carelessness.
So let's see, he was served the eviction notice Jan. 15th and it's almost May and he's still annoying me. I did insist that he only contact me via email, so at least he's not knocking on my door or phoning.
Slowly, too slowly, he is finally getting out of my life.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Something that others here have done that might work for you is to have his "stuff" put into a storage facility, pay the first month's rent and give him the key. It will then be out of your home and he will be responsible for it. I see that this has been going on since March and he's had ample time to get his stuff out. Maybe this will light a little fire under him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
Update:
This is freaking never-ending. I hardly ever talk to him, when he calls me on the phone I tell him to please send an email. When I see him in public, I leave if possible or avoid him and in rare cases have a cordial and short and shallow exchange.
He's been in and out of rehab, lived in a sober house for a while, but got kicked out last week. Most of the info I know about his activities is from people reporting to me, even tho I tell them that I broke up with him months ago and I don't care about his activities.
So I knew he was homeless and could tell he was sneaking into my garage late to sleep, and leaving early morning but leaving little trace.
Earlier this week, I noticed he hadn't been around in the garage and I didn't see him around town. Fine. Good.
Then I saw him today at a public place, tried to ignore him, but ended up having a short conversation with him:
You can't stay in my garage, you got to get out and get your **** outta there. Where have you been anyway?
Jail. They picked me up because I missed an desk appearance.
Whatever...you have to get your stuff out of my garage and you can't stay there.
He started talking about his car needs a new battery and he can't get a job without a car, blah, blah, blah.
Take the bus, gotta go.
Talked to a handyman about redoing the door to the garage so I can install a lock.
Then I find out that my mom (she wasn't going to tell me) BAILED HIM OUT OF JAIL!!!!! The public defender called her, explained the situation (disorderly conduct) and said he had used her---my mom---as a reference! And my mom drove to the county jail and put up 250.00!!!!!
I broke up with the guy and evicted him from my house in January and here it is June and he still has his hooks in! I am furious at both my mom and him! My mom didn't tell me about this latest development and neither did he.
I still don't know and don't want to know what this disorderly conduct arrest was for. I can not believe that my mom didn't say to the public defender, "Um...the person in custody is my daughter's ex-boyfriend, so I think I'm going to talk to her before I decide anything." No, she felt sorry for him and got in her car and drove to the county lock up! My 73 year old mother! And handed over 250.00!!! So he could stalk me today and ask me to get him a new freaking car battery! Which I did not consider doing for a second.
What a mess. And then, when I'm sorta yelling at my mom, "What were you thinking!" she starts crying and telling me how awful the jail was.
What a mess.
This is freaking never-ending. I hardly ever talk to him, when he calls me on the phone I tell him to please send an email. When I see him in public, I leave if possible or avoid him and in rare cases have a cordial and short and shallow exchange.
He's been in and out of rehab, lived in a sober house for a while, but got kicked out last week. Most of the info I know about his activities is from people reporting to me, even tho I tell them that I broke up with him months ago and I don't care about his activities.
So I knew he was homeless and could tell he was sneaking into my garage late to sleep, and leaving early morning but leaving little trace.
Earlier this week, I noticed he hadn't been around in the garage and I didn't see him around town. Fine. Good.
Then I saw him today at a public place, tried to ignore him, but ended up having a short conversation with him:
You can't stay in my garage, you got to get out and get your **** outta there. Where have you been anyway?
Jail. They picked me up because I missed an desk appearance.
Whatever...you have to get your stuff out of my garage and you can't stay there.
He started talking about his car needs a new battery and he can't get a job without a car, blah, blah, blah.
Take the bus, gotta go.
Talked to a handyman about redoing the door to the garage so I can install a lock.
Then I find out that my mom (she wasn't going to tell me) BAILED HIM OUT OF JAIL!!!!! The public defender called her, explained the situation (disorderly conduct) and said he had used her---my mom---as a reference! And my mom drove to the county jail and put up 250.00!!!!!
I broke up with the guy and evicted him from my house in January and here it is June and he still has his hooks in! I am furious at both my mom and him! My mom didn't tell me about this latest development and neither did he.
I still don't know and don't want to know what this disorderly conduct arrest was for. I can not believe that my mom didn't say to the public defender, "Um...the person in custody is my daughter's ex-boyfriend, so I think I'm going to talk to her before I decide anything." No, she felt sorry for him and got in her car and drove to the county lock up! My 73 year old mother! And handed over 250.00!!! So he could stalk me today and ask me to get him a new freaking car battery! Which I did not consider doing for a second.
What a mess. And then, when I'm sorta yelling at my mom, "What were you thinking!" she starts crying and telling me how awful the jail was.
What a mess.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Addict manipulation in it's lowest ugly form. Praying on the 73-year-old mother of the estranged ex-girlfriend. Nothing but a common blood sucker. Clearly not willing to face consequences of his own making.
Beyond that I'm speechless. For him.
For you, I have plenty to say. Congrats to you in setting those boundaries (demands regarding his junk in the garage and staying away). Looking out for own self and safety (looking into locking that space up). And for refusing any BS about the car battery. I know the concern is there that he will just turn back to your mom and you can work with her to lovingly encourage her let him struggle for his own good and the less she does the more she will help him in the long run etc.
Your new life is upon you!
Alice
Beyond that I'm speechless. For him.
For you, I have plenty to say. Congrats to you in setting those boundaries (demands regarding his junk in the garage and staying away). Looking out for own self and safety (looking into locking that space up). And for refusing any BS about the car battery. I know the concern is there that he will just turn back to your mom and you can work with her to lovingly encourage her let him struggle for his own good and the less she does the more she will help him in the long run etc.
Your new life is upon you!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
It's his mess and he put himself there. You sound like you are sticking to your boundaries. If he does not take his stuff out of your garage put it on the curb. Him storing his stuff there sounds like another hook. He really has no incentive to get it out of there. stbxah tried that tactic when the house sold and I moved--he wanted to store his stuff in my garage. NO! Find a place to live, find a job, get a life, whatever--you are not storing your stuff in my house or any part of it. It really was just one more way to keep things going.
It is not your job to be his storage facility while he gets his life together. Also, you can let the prosecutor know that he contacted your 73 old mother to bail him out and could he please let the PD know that is not acceptable. You could even ask the jailers and let them know she is not related to him and he is taking advantage of her.
It is not your job to be his storage facility while he gets his life together. Also, you can let the prosecutor know that he contacted your 73 old mother to bail him out and could he please let the PD know that is not acceptable. You could even ask the jailers and let them know she is not related to him and he is taking advantage of her.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Why do you still have his stuff in your garage? This has been going on since January. The longer you refuse to get his stuff out of your possession, the longer this is going to continue.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
This will certainly speed things up. I see a counselor/psychologist regularly---hey, I'm a New Yorker---and when I mentioned that I thought he got kicked out of the sober house and was sneaky-staying in my garage, she said it would probably escalate. And she told a story of another woman she knew who had a similar problem and the guy was in the cellar and she had to have him arrested for trespassing. I can't wait to hear what she (the counselor)says when hears about the involvement of my mother!
I think what I will do is get in touch with the lawyer who drew up the eviction document and fill him in on the situation and have him be the one to contact the prosecutor on my behalf. I'll look into seeing if it is possible to get an order saying conman squatter cannot enter my yard or my mother's property or contact me or her. And then call the cops if I see him skulking about. Hire a carpenter to build sturdy doorframe and get new lock, board up window. Put his stuff in bags and boxes and hire a mover to take it to a storage unit.
I am really getting sick of this and have the feeling that I am going to have to move again.
I think what I will do is get in touch with the lawyer who drew up the eviction document and fill him in on the situation and have him be the one to contact the prosecutor on my behalf. I'll look into seeing if it is possible to get an order saying conman squatter cannot enter my yard or my mother's property or contact me or her. And then call the cops if I see him skulking about. Hire a carpenter to build sturdy doorframe and get new lock, board up window. Put his stuff in bags and boxes and hire a mover to take it to a storage unit.
I am really getting sick of this and have the feeling that I am going to have to move again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 22
Good question. His stuff has been in my garage for too long.
Inertia, I guess. And resistance to putting any more energy into his problems than I already have. It's good stuff; not anything that I could throw away, not that I want it. Suits, dress shirts, a few tools, winter boots and coats, scuba gear. And that it's going to be a pain in the butt---find boxes and bags, throw the stuff into boxes and bags, load into car, find a storage facility and their hours, drive stuff to facility, negotiate contract, pay, get key, deliver key.
I'm tempted to get him a gd car battery so he can load it into his car himself and drive away.
Inertia, I guess. And resistance to putting any more energy into his problems than I already have. It's good stuff; not anything that I could throw away, not that I want it. Suits, dress shirts, a few tools, winter boots and coats, scuba gear. And that it's going to be a pain in the butt---find boxes and bags, throw the stuff into boxes and bags, load into car, find a storage facility and their hours, drive stuff to facility, negotiate contract, pay, get key, deliver key.
I'm tempted to get him a gd car battery so he can load it into his car himself and drive away.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
But, chances are, he wouldn't do that. Perhaps instead of looking at it as putting any more energy into his problems, think of it as solving a huge problem of your own. Once his stuff is gone, and a lock put on the garage, he will have no business anywhere near your home. You would be protecting yourself, not enabling him.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Whitey,
I'm going to be honest with you and call it like I see it. I have read your plight thru all of your posts all this time and I am not buying ONE BIT of your don't-care persona. People who are not Codependent do not have drunks living in their garages rent-free, nor do they go to Recovery websites and post their complaints about drunks living in their garages and calling their moms to bail them out of jail. Your continued, VOLUNTARY involvemnt with this man is apparent to your elderly mother and now SHE is also caretaking this man.
The fact that she is elderly and now involved is the reason I am now posting my opinion because I feel that your denial may be harmful to her.
I do not see that you have set or maintained any boundaries. Until you stop bashing him for who he is and what he is doing, and stop blaming him for your problems, and start taking a look at yourself, this is not going to change. You can look for all the legal recourse in the world to get him out of your garage, but until you decide and take the necessary action to stop caretaking him, NOTHING will change.
I encourage you to start taking control of your life and go to either A.A. or Al-Anon.
I'm going to be honest with you and call it like I see it. I have read your plight thru all of your posts all this time and I am not buying ONE BIT of your don't-care persona. People who are not Codependent do not have drunks living in their garages rent-free, nor do they go to Recovery websites and post their complaints about drunks living in their garages and calling their moms to bail them out of jail. Your continued, VOLUNTARY involvemnt with this man is apparent to your elderly mother and now SHE is also caretaking this man.
The fact that she is elderly and now involved is the reason I am now posting my opinion because I feel that your denial may be harmful to her.
I do not see that you have set or maintained any boundaries. Until you stop bashing him for who he is and what he is doing, and stop blaming him for your problems, and start taking a look at yourself, this is not going to change. You can look for all the legal recourse in the world to get him out of your garage, but until you decide and take the necessary action to stop caretaking him, NOTHING will change.
I encourage you to start taking control of your life and go to either A.A. or Al-Anon.
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