tigger11

I'm with you all... I jumped the sinking ship of anger, word-twisting, and false accusations. The ship looked so lovely and full of promise from the shore, but once on board, it was full of stinking, useless, killing grog. Turns out the sails were rotten, and the hull was made of false promises and dreams as thin as paper.

I felt like I was walking the plank, but it turns out that it was a diving board. I did a swan dive and almost went too deep, but surfaced and remembered how to swim, and remembered that I LOVE to swim. There were rescue boats in the water, and they guided me to shore. I'm now waiting for permission to land on shore. I can see my friends and family waiting to pull me out of the water. They have warm, dry towels. Once dry, I'll be free and able!

Great post!

KeepPedaling

Tigger - You're awesome!

KeepPedaling

I had to bring this over from the other thread. It's to us from GiveLove, just in case we need them.

Thumper

He has stopped any harassment, which was somewhat mild. Mostly lots of manipulation and guilt trips about how terrible I am for throwing away this family. I am not weakening. Actually the more time that passes the more I know I can never go back. The exhausting part is just the amount of logistical things that need to be done. I'm selling a house so maintaining it etc. preparing to move (trying to buy appliances and arrange for all the moving), work full time, my 4 kids are off the wall with their behavior, I'm dragging them to counseling appts, I'm going to counseling appts, trying to get ready for Christmas, fighting with dh about divorce stuff (enormous stress because then he threatens custody), dealing with my children and their grief and sadness over this divorce, finding new daycare, new office space, dragging kids to see new school, holidays - no day is a normal day. The enormous regret at this family not working out, the enormous fear in fighting about anything with this divorce. The fear I'm making a wrong decision. The fear is exhausting me and I don't know how to let it go. I increased my blood pressure medication because it is sky high and that med causes fatigue, financial struggles since I'm getting zero help from ah. I could just agree to all the terms he wants in the divorce but then I think I need to stick up for myself so I have better $$ footing in building this new life for my kids.

I sincerely hope/think that some of the logistical issues will come to an end in the next 30-60 days as we move after Christmas. The divorce fear will take longer, especially if there is a big court battle. The financial issues will not go away until divorce is settled and house sells.

Love it - I'm clutching one now, lol.

soberinwpg

Mom didn't follow through again. I just floated on my back.
Felt freaking fabulous.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I love this post! Just reading it and seeing the life jackets makes me laugh and feel at peace. I can do this, I can do this!

KeepPedaling

Status: Day Three No Contact

What I did for me: Had a good day at work, got a surprise invite to spend an evening with 4 smart and funny women. Had a great time!

Challenges: He texted me that he loves and misses me and that he just wants to know if I'm ok. I don't know if he's drunk or sober. It makes me miss him when he sounds sober and sweet, like the person I knew before. I didn't text him back.

KeepPedaling

Yes you can Jack! We all can!

KeepPedaling

How did you not let it affect you?

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

What I did for ME: Went shopping with my sister, had a great lunch and we enjoyed some great laughs. Came home and started to wrap some presents. AW Peaceful at the moment.


Challenges: I can tell he does not get it. He tried to kiss me goodbye before going to work and I pulled away. Feel sad for him but I know sad will not help him with this cunning crazymaking awful disease.

LovesToTravel

KeepPedaling

Status: Day Four No Contact

What I did for me: Cleaned my apartment. It went to hell in the last few weeks. I went to the gym. Then I had dinner with an old friend. It was so nice.

Challenges: He texted me that he wants to talked to me. Then he called and left a message saying he wants to talk to me and he really misses me. He sounds terrible. I don't know if he's bring drinking or not these past four days. He's been texting me goodnight at around 11 which is when he usually goes to bed when he's sober. He sounds really sad. I want to call him back. But I won't.

Just have to keep swimming....

KeepPedaling

Go Jack Go!!!

littlefish

KeepPedaling: keep up the good work!

I have been following your posts for a while and at the risk of repeating myself, I have been pretty skeptical.
Instead of texting you how sad he is and how much he loves/misses you (manipulation), he should be texting you and saying he is off to his meeting and that he respects your choice: because he understands he has to recover before he is ready for a relationship.

He never sounded to me like he was serious about recovery because of his attitude towards his relapse ("no biggie", if I remember correctly), and then the subsequent drinking. And the fact that it sounds like he still has no program. (?)

You are making the right choice!
(and this is coming from a recovering alcoholic....)

KeepPedaling

Thanks Little Fish. I was thinking something like that too. I thought it would be nice if instead of saying he misses me, he would say something like, "I understand why we can't talk right now, I just wanted you to know that I'm not drinking and am going to AA every day again..." I mean, if it were true.

The morning I talked to him last, he was supposed to go meet with his sponsor that afternoon and go to a meeting. At one time, when he began recovery, he said he was going to 3 meetings a day. When I met him, he was going to one a week (chairing). Is going to meetings a program? Shamefully, I don't know very much about how AA works.

When he called, he sounded so sincere. It's really hard. But if he were worried about me, wouldn't he be telling me that he's ok, that he's sober, that he's doing the work, going to meetings, not to worry about him and to take care of myself? He texted that we "should be together tonight" and that he hopes we talk soon. In his voice message he said, "I'll talk to you tomorrow....I hope."

So when you finally became serious about recovery, you thought about your loved ones and understood if they had distanced themselves? It didn't make you feel like they didn't care?

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

What I did for ME: Giving my house that nice "Just Cleaned Feeling" and lighting my Yankee candle Pine smell. AW The house smells like Christmas!


Challenge: He is trying to act like everything is fine and he is not drinking. I can tell he is and of course said that. We all know how that pans out. I got sucked in for 5 minutes and then walked away and came to SR for some strength! It sucks living in the same house with them!


KEEP SWIMMING KEEP SWIMMING

littlefish

My family was angry and frightened. After a horrific bender when I drank up a large amount of wine and hard liquor that my husband had just bought while traveling, and had blacked out 3 nights in a row, I understood perfectly why they would want to distance themselves from me. Who wouldn't?!

But, I knew they cared, or my husband would have divorced me years before, when I started my decline into chronic drinking.

I understand the situation is different with you and your exBF, because you guys were just starting out and I have been married 22 years.

But, lets say he is really serious about stopping. He would look at the breakup as a major wake up call. Maybe consider it his moment of hitting "bottom". And he would realize, if he really wants to stop drinking, that he only has one course of action: to go to any lengths to stay sober. He will understand that working on a relationship will have to come second. Because he can't have a relationship until he solves the internal problems he has that cause the drinking. He will hope that maybe a future with you is possible, but only after he has done a lot of work in recovery and reached at least a year of sobriety. It is often recommended by sponsors in AA not to start a relationship until (at least) a year of sobriety.

I think he mentioned that his program is AA. Goings to meetings isn't exactly the same as working the program of AA. "Working the program" would mean having frequent contact with a sponsor, going to as many meetings as possible, three or more a week and completing the 12 steps. And of course, staying sober. Newcomers starting out and people going back in after drinking again are always advised to go to 90 meetings in 90 days.

KeepPedaling

That's the thing though, he DID hit bottom almost 2 years ago, he WAS single for a year and a half, he did complete the 12 steps , go to meetings all the time, work with his sponsor etc. He worked so hard. He was doing so well. He was healthy and focused. Now he's starting all over again? He's been drinking consistently for about a month now, so he starts from square one? He has to go a year without a relationship again? Go to a bunch of meeting? Refocus his life back to recovery? I just don't understand why he did this after working so hard. He seemed so confident, like he would never drink again. He said, "I just though, 'everyone else gets to have a drink when they have a bad day, why couldn't I?'" I just don't understand how he could do this when he had so much to risk and loose - his apartment, his independence, his education, his relationship, and ultimately, he's putting his life on the line. It's so sad.

Thanks so much for your insight. It really helps.

KeepPedaling

Status: Day Five No Contact

What I did for me: Spent the day with my sister and friends working on an artsy project.

Challenges: He did not text or call me at all today. Maybe he will text to say goodnight. His silence makes me think he's drinking. Makes me sad. Makes me worry. I try to focus on other things.

Swimming, not sinking

KeepPedaling

Status: Day Six No Contact

What I did for me: Didn't have a lot of energy, so I didn't really do anything but work.

Challenges: He texted and called and left a message. Said he was sorry for hurting my feelings and doing things that would make me not trust him; said he missed me and wished we could talk. He sounded sad. I could not tell if he was drunk or sober. He didn't say anything about whether or not he was working on his sobriety. I didn't text or call him back.

It was a very hard day. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.