BuffaloGal

I'm sorry that you had The Confrontation That Goes Badly, but I'm not surprised. You be gentle with yourself too.

There are always more lies where the first ones came from. I didn't understand at first with my former husband that coming clean is a very gradual process-- okay, you heard the big lies, but now the big lies have been replaced not with the truth, but with slightly smaller lies that bear a tiny bit of resemblance to the truth. (5 or 10 bottles too many-- try 14, at the least.) This is textbook stuff, standard reactions to being called out on some righteous BS. It sounds like you can already pick it out for what it is.

Be well

Cowgirl1265

This is from my FA book, "Just for Today:"
It really is why they call it "One Day at a Time."



I know it is scary, but can you concentrate not on what HE will do, but on what YOUR NEEDS are? He is an adult, he is making his own choices. Remember that you did not CAUSE his drinking, you can't CONTROL IT and you can't CURE it. The only person you have control over is YOU. This is a time to meet your needs and let him learn what he is learning.

FindingPeace1

Verily, all things move within your being in a constant half embrace -
the desired and the dreaded,
the repugnant and the cherished,
the pursued and that which you would escape.
Those things move within you as lights and shadows in pairs that cling.
Verily, you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Jadmack25

My dear Wife,
First my heartfelt empathy to you for what you are going thru.
What an awesome HP you have, to put you in touch with SR right when you were going to need support and help from "ones who know" and have been there.
You had the script he was playing from, right there in front of you, and realised it is a universal script, used by A's all over the world.

All I can suggest is
you collect all your important papers and items,
pack all you need for at least a week.

Leave him a message that you need to get away to think about what has happened.

This has still been a shock to you, and you will be in the first usual stage of grief which is a sort of emotional numbness.........think of this stage as a blessing, to give you a space and time to think.

Make NO decisions on the hop, just take YOUR time, not anyone elses.

Eat well, stay hydrated, and use whatever you can to relax.

Look at what YOU WANT from your life, what you have got now, changes that YOU can make, whether AH is involved or not, and decide what is and is not negotiable for you.

Keep posting here for further help, support and ideas, and know how much we all care for you. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

You are being prayed for right now, and I will continue doing so.

God bless

Learn2Live

wifeofadrinker:

I'm not saying this to be mean but I gotta' tell you: You do not have that much power. Change this thought because it will keep you trapped.

This whole thread reminds me of the Poltergeist movie when the little girl is stuck in the T.V.

You have a supportive family and friends, you have the ability to get a good job; what are you doing girl? Get moving. He is NOT going to change. You are wasting your time. You have only ONE life. Cut your losses and go; don't look back.

FindingPeace1

I appreciate your candor, learn2live, but get that I went from happy (albeit onesided) happy land of marriage, kids, future happiness...
to husband has left - in one week. I am not quite cutting my losses with joy. I am reeling and confused and wondering what happened and where did my life go. I am recovering, or maybe just hovering over around my grief and shock.
Honestly, I am not ready to cut and run. I'm not ready.
I'm not willing to change my stance. But I'm not ready to let go.

TakingCharge999

Hi again wife,

Ohh yes, another jewel, the WHITE/BLACK switch change without time to take a deep breath. I recall my shock and disbelief too. After a year I am still in shock sometimes... the experience with an alcoholic was unique in its pain.

((hugs))

My only suggestion would be for you to find a therapist or counselor .... that way you got a professional helping you and taking you by the hand during this difficult time.... hope you can consider this... sudden changes, or the possibility of them can prevent us from thinking clearly.

You are in my thoughts tonight

TakingCharge999

PS The Grief club by Melody Beattie is my favorite book, regardless of this specific situation, it talks about change in general and how to cope with it... it has useful exercises... hope you can grab a copy. I know it will help me for the rest of my life, not only now.

catlovermi

I hope you are able to get some rest, and sleep, tonight.

CLMI

FindingPeace1

Okay, i know what you are going to say, but...
SERIOUSLY? He is going to give up our entire life for this?
Our 8 years together, 2 years of marriage, the house, the dog, the dreams?
For this?????
For me saying I want honesty because I LOVE him????!??
You have GOT to be kidding me.
I can't stomach this.
How can anyone do something as ludicrous as that?

We just got back from our two year belated honeymoon.
It was blissful. 15 days in the Caribbean.

You must be joking me.
I am going to wake up and this is all going to be a bad dream.
My life? My marriage?
Serious?
This is real? He is for real???
:wtf2

canuckch

In one of your first posts I remembered you were saying you were trying for a baby. AH and I already have one child and I sometimes think about having a second one but it is stories like yours and recognizing myself in them that brings me back to reality and me going wtf?

I hope you will be able to find some rest tonight. Rome wasn't build in one day. You don't have to make any decisions tonight.

One of my mottos has been Act, Don't React and I have been trying to follow that with my AH. Whatever steps you are planning on taking, don't take them because of a fight or an argument. Don't take them because of something he did or didn't do. Take them because you want to take them. You have a plan. You have mapped out a direction you want your life to take. Not a reaction to your fight last night, but an action to enhance your life today and tomorrow.
Good luck

FindingPeace1

thanks. i can't tell you how much you all mean to me rattling around in this empty house.

FindingPeace1

my night has consisted of:
a) getting inadvertently locked out and
b) walking to get help, having a dog run past my dog and I, and having it be hit by a passing car and killed.

Sure hope tomorrow looks up.

Cowgirl1265

**********{hugs}}}}}}

I know you feel alone and lost right now. This has been a hella week for you.

Serenity will come, it takes time. You have a lot to consider. We are here for you. I, WE care about YOU the person on the other end of our computer screens because we know you are a real person, not just words on the screen.

As much as you need, we are here.

bookwyrm

Do you know about the grief process? Your posts show that you're starting to move through the stages. Take your time and be kind to yourself as you experience them. You won't go through them in order and everyone experiences them in their own way. The 5 stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I went through (and still am going through) all these stages - sometimes all in one day!

The shock you are going through, the pain you are feeling all show in your posts. Take a little time for you to think things through. Act, don't react. Give yourself some time and space. Recover from the initial shock.

As Cowgirl says, we are here for you.

:ghug2

Learn2Live

Sorry, I think I got you mixed up with someone else wifeofadrinker.

I think perhaps you are panicking. I think discovering what you have discovered, and seeing him react the way he has, has got you living in tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. "OMG, can I LIVE the rest of my LIFE like this?" "What is he going to DO?" The first thing you need to do is ground yourself.

Here's how I approach this sort of thing. First, look at your values. Right now, is it OK in your heart if you let go of your marriage? Just answer Yes or No to yourself; you don't have to answer it on SR. Sometimes, people have to do a lot of work just to become conscious of their own values so it's OK if you have to think about it. This will help you focus on yourself and straighten out your thoughts.

Second, what are your instincts telling you about this situation? How do you feel? Are you sick to your stomach? Are you crying and running around? Are you so depressed you can't take a shower? Can you stop the stressful feelings somehow without going somewhere else? What can you do to feel better right now?

Have you gone to an Al-Anon meeting?

gowest

Unfortunately yes.

I think this is where we start to realize that the lying about the drinking was only the tip of the iceberg.

In some ways what makes the whole experience so difficult is looking back (on things like beautiful vacations together) and realizing that it is all a lie. Not just because they are lying to you/us but because they are lying to themselves. Even if it is not done with malicious intent (this part can be particularly confusing), as they want to believe the lie is true as much as we do, the lying is pervasive.

I'm so sorry.

transformyself

Yes. He will give it all up. Worse, he will blame you, especially when you challenge him to stop drinking. When you want him to stop. He will blame you, then come back asking when you'll stop being "mad" at him. Ask if you're okay. Which will make your heart soar with hope. Until he continues drinking. Then you'll try talking to him again.

Repeat.

I will not implore you to leave because I trust you will find your own path. you sound very smart, very eager to understand WTF is going on and if you have the courage to hear what's being said here and apply it to your life, the courage to walk through the disbelief, pleading, pain and anger, you will arrive at acceptance. And a new life. A better way.

I think because he was hiding the drinking, you will still struggle with shock and disbelief. But keep coming here my friend. Here, there is sanity in the midst of madness.

transformyself

Ok I responded to your "he'll give everything up" post without realizing there was another page.

This
.
is profound. I see nothing inadvertent here at all.

You can stay safe, or run with that loose dog. You are in a grave situation and HP is showing you things.

Awhile back I had a dream. Possum came to me on a dark road and showed me a dead possum, killed by a car. "I"m so sorry," I told him. "Why are you apologizing?" he asked. "That's what happens when a car is coming and you don't get out of the way."

catlovermi

This quote would do well, branded on each of our foreheads backwards, so we see it each time we look in the mirror.

It takes a long time for this reality to set it, as our magical thinking slowly dissipates.

At first it's "how could they turn from A to B, polar opposites, so quickly?"

And, as the magical thinking slowly dissipates, we are left realizing that what we thought we had was largely an illusion, and they didn't really change that much at all. Their smoke and mirrors just got thin, and the scales fell from our eyes.

What we grieve over losing, we eventually begin to realize was all an illusion to begin with. We never really had it, we only had the belief that we did.

CLMI