FindingPeace1

Hi. I am married to a functioning alcoholic. No abuse, no passing out, no DUIs, no whatever. Just drinking and hiding and lying. Otherwise, he is fabulous. He is loving and attentive and caring and responsible and fun. I love him. He never seems drunk. He never gets mean. I don't want to leave him or change (most of) him. But he drinks. Alot.
I try to leave it be and work on me, but the other day I took out the recycling (from one week in our new house) and there were 16 bottles of wine. From one week. So that's alot. I saw a stash of wine when we were moving in, but he spirited it away and now its hiding. The other thing is he knows I am not that into alcohol, so he doesn't drink in front of me. Maybe a glass or two 2x a week with dinner. So that is ALOT of hiding. Drinking at night after I sleep? Taking it to work? I thought there was some red liquid in a to go coffee cup he brings to work (oh gosh! That seems REALLY BAD!). He usually does his own dishes, but maybe he forgot. So that is very possible.
We are trying to have a baby. He has (recently diagnosed) Type I diabetes. I worry for his health and our family.
His mom and mine are in recovery. His dad was probably an alcoholic and was definitely verbally abusive. His dad abandoned the family. My dad is a raging alcoholic.
He has struggled with smoking and porn, so he has that type of thing going on.
I read the red flag post. He has a few. Mostly NO friends. He doesn't trust, pretty much, anyone in the world but me. (For example, we are struggling to pick a midwife because he doesn't trust anyone helping me deliver). He gets jealous when I hang out with friends, although he manages it well, and encourages me to, because he knows how important it is to me. He denies it if I call him on being jealous.
He has a lot of stress most of the time and doesn't trust therapists.
He doesn't like to talk about any faults of his or anything in the past, including his or my past relationships.
He has struggled with smoking and porn in the past (with the associated sneaking/lying/shame/hiding thing)
But he has done more personal growth than any man I have ever been with, just on his time, privately.
He is kind and sweet and fun and a wonderful partner.
Nothing is "falling apart" if you know what I mean. But there is the issue of his sneaking/lying/dishonesty and his health.
Comments?
(By the way, thanks. I feel SO GOOD to get this off my chest!!!)

Free108

He's fabulous, but... I know THAT story! And the more you start looking at the buts, the more you tend to find. I would hold off on the baby thing, for a little while, until you've figured out how comfortable you really are with all this. just the fact that you're reading red flag lists is a red flag in itself. That's how I started coming out of denial. My xabf is also a truly fabulous person. Talented, charming, intelligent, loving, but...
And I hate to be so full of doom and gloom, but my relationship with him wasn't falling apart either until it just blew up, mainly because I had become so uncomfortable with the amount that he was drinking and that's just not something that anyone is allowed to challenge in his life.
I don't know, I wish I could be more positive... Good for you for sharing though - it really helps to air this stuff out and you'll get loads of support here on SR.

MissFixit

Wlecome!

I second that you wait on having a baby until you come to terms with what is going on. He has quite a few issues that might make child rearing very difficult and not too safe..16 bottles of wine in a week, secretly drinking, no friends, trust issues, not dealing with his problems? These are RED flags.

Please read the stickies at the top of the forum and you might want to read the book CoDependent No More by Melodie Beatty.

Why are you considering having children with this man? In his state?

NYC_Chick

Hi and welcome!

Please take what I am about to say in the spirit that it's meant. Please don't have children unless and until you know where his sobriety is going, if that's what he decides. My father is a raging alcoholic. My mom did not know how bad it was going to get, but after the three of us, it got much worse.

FindingPeace1

Why am I considering kids with him? Because I love him. Because he is a good and kind man that has a problem. Because, so far, it doesn't impact me (other than my worry). Because he loves me. Because I am not 20. I am almost 36 and I can't wait for him to "work it out" to have kids. Because I chose him, good and bad. Because I want to have kids with him. Because the idea of leaving him is heartwrenching. He is who I want.
I know I am biased. I know if he was mean or abusive or something similar I would advise myself to leave. But he's not. He's wonderful. And he's an addict. You think I am naive? In denial? Enabling? Keep talking to me. I guess I need to hear it because I don't yet believe it.

Redux

Ya know, I may be boo'd for this, but it sounds like things are ok for you right now. Yes I'd be worried about having a baby with him because your future with an alcoholic is so uncertain and you may end up financially tied to him in order to keep a roof over your baby's head.

But beyond that concern it doesn't sound like he's abusive or mean or unable to keep a job - whatever. He's hurting his health and the wine can't be helping his diabetes, but there are a lot of people who make unhealthy lifestyle choices and we don't just write them off. People drop dead from a heart attack every day. People get killed in car wrecks. Someone's possible future health problems is not, imo, a reason not to have a baby.

Just keep your eyes open.

If I were you I would start going to a counselor - he doesn't have to go, but it would help you so you can be clear about what you want in your life. A few Al Anon meetings wouldn't hurt either.

Good luck and count your blessings. Just keep your eyes open.

Redux

One more thing, baby or not I'd make sure I had a job and worked hard to keep it. If things turn bad you don't want to be financially tied to him.

FindingPeace1

He isn't abusive. He is lovely. But we just moved to a town where a) there are no alanon meetings (think 1000) people and b) no work. Not to mention I want to be a stay at home mom.
I have skills. I can make good money if I need to, but I don't want to. I want to raise a family.
Crumbcake, this is hard!
Do you feel I should address the bottles/drinking or is that a useless idea? I think he will just get defensive/deny.

juvspigot

I am your husband (not literally, of course). I wouldn't recommend starting a family w/ me until I had it under control. Kids can change people. I could get even worse.

Redux

No. Like I told another poster, you need to decide whether his alcohol consumption is a deal breaker. If you can live with it and he's a good husband and good to you, and you don't want to leave him over it, then you need to accept it and not set him up to lie about how much he drinks. Read Codependent No More. Leave him alone about his drinking. You can not make him quit.

As for having children and being a SAHM with an alcoholic husband, though, I'm afraid you're kidding yourself. If you don't want to end up as a financially destitute woman whose alcoholic husband can't or won't keep a roof over your heads, then you're going to have to compromise on something.

Read some of the posts on this board and read about some of the women who have children, whose alcoholic husbands are worse now than when their children were born, and look at the desperate situation they find themsleves in now. Their husband won't pay their rent. Their husband has become abusive. Their husband is having an affair. Their husband is drunk all the time and doesn't do anything around the house. Like you, back in the day they never expected that their wonderful husband would turn out that way.

Your husband may not be like this now but his prognosis is not good. If you insist on having a baby with him, then protect yourself and that baby. You owe it to your future child to make whatever sacrifices you need to make in order to protect him. I don't see how you can possibly have a baby and NOT have a job under the circumstances.

whereisthisgoin

Welcome to the board. I am in a similar situation except we have a teenage son. Having to go through this with a child (teen in my case) is really difficult. Even worse, I worry that my son may follow in his father's footsteps. Reeeally think this through.

I'm worried because everything I read says that alcoholism is a progressive disease - so if you/I think it's bad now, it's only going to get worse.

My AH and I have built a life together and it's very hard to consider leaving all that we put into the relationship together. It also breaks my heart to think about our son having to switch between two homes. I'm trying to keep it together but I really feel like I'm the one who's getting hurt in this so far. Our son is aware that his dad drinks, but his dad is an easy going drunk - and it's usually late in the evening - so they do have some good time together. AH doesn't want to stop drinking - so he's unaffected. I have finally learned to stop nagging (didn't cause it, can't fix it, can't control it). I'm left wondering what the heck has happened to my life and where am I to go from here.

I hope my words help you.

cassandra2

Addiction/Alcoholism is progressive. Which means it will get worse before it gets better.

I understand your age and concern about having a child. But do you really want to subject a child to the uncertainy of a disease that, if not arrested, will kill and could possible destroy your family.

I was raised by an alcoholic whom worked, paid the bills, provided for my every physical need but emotionally was NOT present. Today as an adult because of my upbringing I am a codependent. I married a man that beat me for 10 years before I finally had enough.

Now would you really want to be selfish and inject similar pain to an innocent child?

Wait. Wait. Wait. Your child deserves BOTH parents. And trust me when I say that if your husband is an alcoholic he is not/will not be capable of being a parent.

You have foresight here. Please pay attention to that. Educate yourself on the effects of alcoholism on not only the spouse but the children too.

JaneX

I am dealing with almost the same thing. My husband was also lovely until recently. He has never been abusive. Although I never found such a large quantity of bottles, I did occasionally find them hidden in odd places. I did confront him and he lied, every time. He denied all drinking. I have yet to see him take a drink. He works a rotating shift and I think he drinks in the middle of the night while I am asleep. On the other hand, while I think HE is sleeping during the day, he could be drinking. I really don’t know and it really doesn’t matter.

After much good advice from people on this board, I stopped confronting him entirety. In the last few months, his drinking has escalated. Although he is still not outwardly abusive, he totally avoids me. He comes home from work, retreats to the basement, and stays there.

The real dilemma for me is this..... How fantastic can our relationship be when he is the only one with all of the information? Obviously, there is a problem, or he would not be hiding and lying. My husband must have felt that if I knew the whole truth, I would find it to be unacceptable. So, he set out to manipulate, trick, and deceive me. This makes me feel as if my entire life is a lie. This is pretty hurtful and abusive.

Learn2Live

No matter how you slice it, in my experience and observations, sneaking, lying, dishonesty, porn, alcoholism, jealousy, distrust, and isolationism do not make for a good life for a person, nor healthy relationships with others. It appears that you are the only person your spouse will relate with. Sad life for him. Not easy life for you. It will get worse one day.

NYC_Chick

Wife: I'm so sorry, but your denial in this will end up ruining you.

I am nearly 37 and want to be married and have children. I left my alcoholic ex when I was 35. Scary? YES! But His disease will take him, then drag you behind with it. I had to get to the point where I was nearly killing myself with stress before I got out. In the end, it will be him or you. Keep reading, please.

Now...I'm nearly 37 and in a healthy relationship, so far, with no addictions in sight.

My friend just left her alcoholic/addict husband. She's nearly 33. Scary? YES, but she knows that her life would have been filled with the same things I was facing if she had stayed.

P.S. It has nothing to do with how smart you are either. I'm an attorney. Most of us involved with alcoholics don't think with our logical brains.

If you decide to stay and have a baby, keep reading. You are in for a bumpy ride. I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Chrysalis123

Welcome Wife. I was you 15 years ago. He was very similar to your husband including the porn, smoking (pot), tobacco, and drinking although he would drink in front of me more frequently. He also lied to me __ a lot___but I did not want to believe that part. I thought up all these crazy reasons why what was right in front of my face was not true or real, as the lying escalated and the immaturity became more apparent and hard to deal with. His escalation of his disease was a spiritual decay as I did not see many drunken episodes (the ones I did see were horrendous and scary) and my own spiritual decay paralleled his__ but it took a therapist's help for me to see that.

Anyway his progression was insidious and slow. I remember being 34 and wanting a kid and denying the red flags. 2 years ago I admitted to my therapist how I WAS SO SELFISH when I decided to bring the kids into this. At first he was a "good" dad when he wanted to be. The restrictions young kids place on a family did not sit well with him and he did things like leave me alone with 2 babies under 22 months when I asked him not to, so he could go on a vacation without me. As time went on I was the parent and he resented me for "trying to control him". Yes, I was a codie, but some of the stuff expected was normal behavior anyone would expect from a dad that he would not do. I sentenced the kids to a really sick father that has recently done things like abandon his daughter on her 13th b-day in order to sleep with his 23 year old girlfirend (he's 48) and then lie to his own kid and she knew....Forget to feed them, left his 10 year old who is afraid of the dark, home alone for 6 hours one night so he could go out (he has 21 days a month without kids as we are now divorced), "forgot" to pay child support when he makes a 6-figure income, leave guns out in the open with ammo nearby, etc. etc.. etc.. I love my kids dearly, but I was selfish. And now the kids and I deal with him as he is and frankly parts of it terrify me because I am court ordered to leave them with him. In my state kids have to be beaten almost to death before the state will take away parenting time.

I know the urge to want to have kids and to feel desperate because of age, just play that tape all the way through.

Keep educating yourself because you wouldn't be here posting if something were not really bothering you.

NewMe11109

WifeofDrinker - My drinking dramatically increased after the birth of my first child. Kids will not be the catalyst for an alcoholic to stop drinking. Only the alcoholic can decide to stop drinking.

This is the insanity of alcoholism.

ANEWAUGUST

Hi and welcome...

Children deserve both parents, there, present and healthy in body and in mind in their lives.

When I read your post, my gut says you are looking for someone to validate your decision to have a child and to say, your hubby isn't that bad.

Only you can decide what you will live with and tolerate. Porn and alcohol...hidden bottles, and lies, are fine for you., you are an adult, you have a choice.

As the child of an alcoholic, and an alcoholic themselves, I urge you to do some soul searching before bringing a child into this mix.

An infant has no voice, and no choice....

You do..

Peace

Free108

Wife, I REALLY feel for you. You are living in a very small town with with a man who is socially isolated and who drinks. And yes, you're nearly 36 and you want to have children. This is a difficult situation as you have no pressing reason it seems to dislike your husband and leave him, which would probably be the best thing to do if you want a chance of having a healthy family.
When I first came to this website, I was just going through the breakup of my relationship with a man who I had until that day believed to be a truly lovely human being. I knew that he drank way too much, but I thought that there might be ways of living with it. Well, 6 weeks later, I've received a crash course on alcoholism and it's effects and I'm starting to feel lucky that I DIDN'T have a child with him and lucky that I'm not going to be dealing with all the weird unsettling feelings that I was experiencing during the relationship. I had no idea at the time that this disease has so many effects on people's families.
I went from being a relatively confident together woman to a jealous, insecure, scared enabling wreck. And yet I really still thought even after he left, that he was a lovely human being.
Over the past few weeks, I've had to look at a lot of stuff. My codependent behavior, his emotionally abusive behavior (didn't really know anything about that before) and new information and revelations still come to me all the time.
All I can suggest to you is that you use this site to become really knowledgeable about addiction, and that you take a little time before making any big decisions.

bookwyrm

Wife, I could have written your post when I was 31. I finally decided to hold off having children till my STBXAH got sober like he promised (he was the one who was really into having kids!). I listened to his words instead of looking at his actions. It was a difficult decision but one I don't regret. He had a good job - we both did - and was a 'functioning' alcoholic. We were 'best friends'.

Things went on, as they usually do, and his drinking, instead of stopping and being under control, just got worse and worse. He, too, was jealous of my time. I couldn't go anywhere without him. I was responsible, somehow, for his happiness and entertainment. This didn't happen overnight. Alcoholism is/was a slowly progressive disease here.

When I was given counselling for depression and started breaking free of his control, his drinking got worse. And then the overt emotional and verbal abuse started. I discovered this site, read all the stickies at the top of the forum, bought and read Under The Influence and Co-dependant No More and the scales started to slip from my eyes.

The drinking and the abuse got much, much worse. He met a 'special friend' online. I endured a year of hell until he finally left.

After 18 years together, he's out of my life - we've been separated a year. I'm now 39. No children for me. It made things much less complicated - who knows what would have happened if a child was added? I barely made it out of my marriage with my sanity intact, what scars would a child have? Read some of the posts over here: Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information to see what having an alcoholic as a father can do to a child.

I was shattered into a million pieces and am slowly putting it all together - not back to the codie I was but into someone much stronger and wiser - I hope!

I regret not learning about alcoholism sooner - in that regard you are way ahead of me! I regret staying for so long, hoping he would 'see sense'. I feel I have wasted so much of my life on him. I've posted my story because your husband sounds so much like mine when we first met (he still hasn't quit smoking!). I hope it helps.