total shock and disbelief
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Holy Cow - sorry for all you are going through. It is a lot. I have to say I admire your smarts and how you are handling things. You are so far ahead of where I was. Stay strong, get the things you need.
naive - It is a little eerie how on the mark your list is. My life is somewhere in the middle of the list so I need to stay focused.
naive - It is a little eerie how on the mark your list is. My life is somewhere in the middle of the list so I need to stay focused.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
Besides EVERY relationship he has ever had has ended this way.
I was floored. I admit, ex relationships is one of those monsters I am not allowed to discuss. So I don't know the circumstances of any of them, except they got ugly at the end, I think. Every relationship? Wow.
I asked, why do you think? (Like HELLO! EVERY ONE? Maybe its time to WAKE UP and stop telling yourself the universe is just a meanie and giving you B's for partners - maybe its you?)
Fine, I'll cut back, he said. No, that's not it, I said.
I was floored. I admit, ex relationships is one of those monsters I am not allowed to discuss. So I don't know the circumstances of any of them, except they got ugly at the end, I think. Every relationship? Wow.
I asked, why do you think? (Like HELLO! EVERY ONE? Maybe its time to WAKE UP and stop telling yourself the universe is just a meanie and giving you B's for partners - maybe its you?)
Fine, I'll cut back, he said. No, that's not it, I said.
i'm very proud of the way you handled the situation. it sounds like you conducted the conversation with maturity and grace. keep reading and posting as much as you can to learn as much as you can. hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi wife of a drinker-
is there any way that you can take a time out immediately?
i can not see any good coming from you being there when he reappears, contrite and promising the world. if it was myself, i would get away. which is what i did. i went to my mom's for a month and got my head on straight.
it was healing to be out of the chaos and drama and just sit with my mother and her friends, as they knit or took care of the grandchildren. my mother was 3000 miles away from where i was, so the distance helped too.
i know you love him, but now is the time to take care of yourself. i wasn't in any state of mind to make any sort of decisions when i was where you are now.
a bit of time and distance helped me get back to my own center. i used the month to read about co-dependency and to attend alanon whilst at my mother's. and to make a plan, with the input of the people here.
getiing out of your normal environment and with people who love you will permit the dust to fall and also, will help your husband know that you are serious. if you are sitting in your home and he returns and promises the world, you might be back on the rollercoaster.
it is not selfish to take care of yourself. really, you can't help anyone if you yourself are dazed and confused. reach out to the people who love you.
naive
is there any way that you can take a time out immediately?
i can not see any good coming from you being there when he reappears, contrite and promising the world. if it was myself, i would get away. which is what i did. i went to my mom's for a month and got my head on straight.
it was healing to be out of the chaos and drama and just sit with my mother and her friends, as they knit or took care of the grandchildren. my mother was 3000 miles away from where i was, so the distance helped too.
i know you love him, but now is the time to take care of yourself. i wasn't in any state of mind to make any sort of decisions when i was where you are now.
a bit of time and distance helped me get back to my own center. i used the month to read about co-dependency and to attend alanon whilst at my mother's. and to make a plan, with the input of the people here.
getiing out of your normal environment and with people who love you will permit the dust to fall and also, will help your husband know that you are serious. if you are sitting in your home and he returns and promises the world, you might be back on the rollercoaster.
it is not selfish to take care of yourself. really, you can't help anyone if you yourself are dazed and confused. reach out to the people who love you.
naive
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
You're light years ahead of where I was at that point wifeofadrinker. I didn't know about the script, so I just thought I sucked and that I was the problem, and that I was insane.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
is it love to lie to a loyal partner?
is it love to take a lover behind my back?
is it love to nitpick about my defects of character, when i am very willing to have such exposed to me, but in a healthy way?
is it love to loose our home due to financial irresponsibility?
is it love to call me at 3am, drunk, when i am sleeping?
is it love to put me in danger?
Holy Crap! Where we married to the same guy?
is it love to take a lover behind my back?
is it love to nitpick about my defects of character, when i am very willing to have such exposed to me, but in a healthy way?
is it love to loose our home due to financial irresponsibility?
is it love to call me at 3am, drunk, when i am sleeping?
is it love to put me in danger?
Holy Crap! Where we married to the same guy?
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
catlovermi - may i take this opportunity to thank you for your no-nonsense, to the point, kick in the butt you gave me when i first arrived? i recall quite clearly my instant denial (and then gradual acceptance) of your fine message to me. i remain grateful, as everything you said has proven to be true.
transformmyself - understanding leads to compassion. sitting in the rooms of AA has shown me the horror of guilt, remorse and depression that comes to those who suffer from the disease of alcoholism. it will take down the alcoholic and everyone who loves them. to me, i view alcohol as a snake basking in the sun, that doesn't show itself until the last minute, when it bites with its poison. we are powerless over alcohol and the sooner we accept this, the sooner we can begin to heal and to forgive. i have followed your story and take much inspiration from you also. thank you.
transformmyself - understanding leads to compassion. sitting in the rooms of AA has shown me the horror of guilt, remorse and depression that comes to those who suffer from the disease of alcoholism. it will take down the alcoholic and everyone who loves them. to me, i view alcohol as a snake basking in the sun, that doesn't show itself until the last minute, when it bites with its poison. we are powerless over alcohol and the sooner we accept this, the sooner we can begin to heal and to forgive. i have followed your story and take much inspiration from you also. thank you.
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naive,
your post set me spinning. I'm not sure. I'm frightened. I'm frightened if he comes home and I'm not here he will shut down forever. I also realize that is not my issue. (and totally whacked)
what I can do right now is pack an emergency bag. Get all the important papers, etc.
The rug of my life is so pulled out from me, I wouldn't be surprised at anything. I wouldn't be surprised if I left and he took **every** darn** thing** we own and burned it in the backyard in a pile. Or came back to me, contrite. Or ANY ANY ANY thing else. I am seeing a side of him...I don't know at all. And since I *ALLOWED* him to keep his whole relationship past a secret (wow - I never saw my role before), I don't really know him. Or what he is capable of.
The other one that left me was unknown, too. I thought I knew him, too. So a pattern emerges from the ashes. I see with Pollyanna eyes. Y'all tried to tell me...
The Buddha would say I need to sit and meditate with some dead, putrid, fly ridden bodies to see it is just what IS. (That reference makes sense if you know the story - its not so weird.
) I've never like the yuck parts. (Can't we just sidestep those?)
I'm guessing I have more shadow work to do. Try to find bitter or angry or whatever else I'm burying.
Total unknowing.
I'm going to drink a glass of water, eat a good breakfast and pack some things.
your post set me spinning. I'm not sure. I'm frightened. I'm frightened if he comes home and I'm not here he will shut down forever. I also realize that is not my issue. (and totally whacked)
what I can do right now is pack an emergency bag. Get all the important papers, etc.
The rug of my life is so pulled out from me, I wouldn't be surprised at anything. I wouldn't be surprised if I left and he took **every** darn** thing** we own and burned it in the backyard in a pile. Or came back to me, contrite. Or ANY ANY ANY thing else. I am seeing a side of him...I don't know at all. And since I *ALLOWED* him to keep his whole relationship past a secret (wow - I never saw my role before), I don't really know him. Or what he is capable of.
The other one that left me was unknown, too. I thought I knew him, too. So a pattern emerges from the ashes. I see with Pollyanna eyes. Y'all tried to tell me...
The Buddha would say I need to sit and meditate with some dead, putrid, fly ridden bodies to see it is just what IS. (That reference makes sense if you know the story - its not so weird.
) I've never like the yuck parts. (Can't we just sidestep those?)I'm guessing I have more shadow work to do. Try to find bitter or angry or whatever else I'm burying.
Total unknowing.
I'm going to drink a glass of water, eat a good breakfast and pack some things.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
dear wife of a drinker-
it is a strength to be vulnerable enough to ask for help.
i know you are scared for him. alcohol has him in its grip and he refuses to admit this.
the good news is that if he does, there is help available for him in AA.
but for now, you take care of yourself.
for me, movement was good. sitting in our house, waiting for him to call or show up was not good. it was crazy-making.
why not turn your phone off and go out for a nice meal with a friend tonight and stay over at her house? tomorrow is another day and it would be wise to let some time pass.
i think collecting up your important documents is a good idea. i did and i left them with a friend.
we're here for you. i know we are only strangers on the other end of a computer, but we do care.
turn it all over to your higher power. trust.
naive
it is a strength to be vulnerable enough to ask for help.
i know you are scared for him. alcohol has him in its grip and he refuses to admit this.
the good news is that if he does, there is help available for him in AA.
but for now, you take care of yourself.
for me, movement was good. sitting in our house, waiting for him to call or show up was not good. it was crazy-making.
why not turn your phone off and go out for a nice meal with a friend tonight and stay over at her house? tomorrow is another day and it would be wise to let some time pass.
i think collecting up your important documents is a good idea. i did and i left them with a friend.
we're here for you. i know we are only strangers on the other end of a computer, but we do care.
turn it all over to your higher power. trust.
naive
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 71
Just remember than when he says he is going to do something crazy(leave, burn stuff, throw supper out the door, call his boss and cuss him out,etc) just tell him that it is his choice if he does these things. That will remind him he is responsible for his own actions. Won't matter to him, but it will help you realize it is not your fault if he does insane things. Do not let him twist and manipulate your words into something they are not. Good luck. I am still with AH, hope he will change. But, I realize he probably won't. I am just here until I can figure out how to support myself and kids. I remember the love we had for so long. But, I see the beast lurking behind his eyes and his actions emerging slowly again.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Wifeofadrinker, WOW. You are such an inspiration. What you did was brave and honest!
We are always amazed here as how they behave the same way. And that is how it ends up when one of the partners starts waking up and asking for what is expected in any relationship, honesty, communication, will to work out the issues, respect, etc. The alcoholic sees his addiction ACKNOWLEDGED (when there has been denial everywhere before, protecting it) and CHALLENGED. And that is when Hyde comes out, the madness, the insults, the tears, the promises, more denial.
It is a sad disease.
You mention you do not know if he will come back. If he comes back will you accept him again? or what happens now?
IMHO run from him like the plague - and don't look back. You deserve joy.
Perhaps, losing you adds to his list of losses and helps him hit bottom sooner. But we can't know that. In any case, this is what you can expect anytime you do not agree with hiding and lying and absorbing the pain that is not even your own.
What a great thread, thank you all for sharing your ESH!
We are always amazed here as how they behave the same way. And that is how it ends up when one of the partners starts waking up and asking for what is expected in any relationship, honesty, communication, will to work out the issues, respect, etc. The alcoholic sees his addiction ACKNOWLEDGED (when there has been denial everywhere before, protecting it) and CHALLENGED. And that is when Hyde comes out, the madness, the insults, the tears, the promises, more denial.
It is a sad disease.
You mention you do not know if he will come back. If he comes back will you accept him again? or what happens now?
IMHO run from him like the plague - and don't look back. You deserve joy.
Perhaps, losing you adds to his list of losses and helps him hit bottom sooner. But we can't know that. In any case, this is what you can expect anytime you do not agree with hiding and lying and absorbing the pain that is not even your own.
What a great thread, thank you all for sharing your ESH!
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Okay. I feel like I should be in a loony bin. On the one hand, he he an alcoholic. He was a stranger last night. I don't know what's happening.
I am starting to think, what IF this gets nasty.
What IF he wants a divorce (or I do).
What IF this is the last time I see my stuff.
It could be WAAAAYY overkill. He may cool off. He may be totally respectful of my things and return them. But what if he doesn't?
I can pack my important docs w/o him noticing, I think...
But here's the thing. If he come home to find my STUFF gone - my pictures or other big stuff...he'll be SO HURT. Cuz if I was leaving for a "few days" I wouldn' t take my Stuff stuff. I don't want to ruin this cuz its so fragile...
I know I sound the fool because I'm not ruining anything, I just don't want to...
what if he comes back? What if he's so heartbroken by me not trusting him...by me taking stuff, that he gives up when he could have tried? Or gets more upset?
I'm scared.
I am starting to think, what IF this gets nasty.
What IF he wants a divorce (or I do).
What IF this is the last time I see my stuff.
It could be WAAAAYY overkill. He may cool off. He may be totally respectful of my things and return them. But what if he doesn't?
I can pack my important docs w/o him noticing, I think...
But here's the thing. If he come home to find my STUFF gone - my pictures or other big stuff...he'll be SO HURT. Cuz if I was leaving for a "few days" I wouldn' t take my Stuff stuff. I don't want to ruin this cuz its so fragile...
I know I sound the fool because I'm not ruining anything, I just don't want to...
what if he comes back? What if he's so heartbroken by me not trusting him...by me taking stuff, that he gives up when he could have tried? Or gets more upset?
I'm scared.
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I know I am living in hope. Not the now. I want him to realize things, agree to counseling, come back, cool off. Change. I know its bu**s**t. I know. I am just admitting I am TOTALLY there!
Although, I also don't want him to because I think the road without him is looking easier than the one with and I'm chicken to be in for the long haul.
If he comes back, my boundary doesn't change. I still need outside help with this. So I am okay with that.
I just am mixed up about staying now or going and taking my keepsakes or not.
Although, I also don't want him to because I think the road without him is looking easier than the one with and I'm chicken to be in for the long haul.
If he comes back, my boundary doesn't change. I still need outside help with this. So I am okay with that.
I just am mixed up about staying now or going and taking my keepsakes or not.
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ithdrawal.html
Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations.)
wife, do you have anyone you can call to be with you at this time so you are not alone?
Please call National domestic violence hotline
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7
It is better to prevent than to lament, I do not mean to scare you, but your message got me worried.
About stuff> try to save your important docs/money.. do not worry about anything else he may keep, throw away, whatever, IT IS JUST STUFF!
The alcoholic I knew came back saying I was right, he would change, I did not deserve that treatment, two nights later the same scene was repeating itself.
Please listen when we say we have been there and it is not worth it. Words are easy to say. Actions, actions demonstrate how serious a person is. A year in AA and continued sobriety would be the bare minimum for me.
I am glad you are willing to protect your boundary. Please protect it as if your life depended on it, because it does.
Words are not used by them like we use them. An active addict will say EVERYTHING you want to hear so you are fooled to think "oh no...WE are unique, WE are special, ITS NOT TRUE FOR US what everyone else says... I will make it work... we will make it work..."
As soon as you are back it will be hell again... so only you can break the vicious circle.
((hugs))
Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Safety Plan in Potentially Violent Situations.)
wife, do you have anyone you can call to be with you at this time so you are not alone?
Please call National domestic violence hotline
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7
It is better to prevent than to lament, I do not mean to scare you, but your message got me worried.
About stuff> try to save your important docs/money.. do not worry about anything else he may keep, throw away, whatever, IT IS JUST STUFF!
The alcoholic I knew came back saying I was right, he would change, I did not deserve that treatment, two nights later the same scene was repeating itself.
Please listen when we say we have been there and it is not worth it. Words are easy to say. Actions, actions demonstrate how serious a person is. A year in AA and continued sobriety would be the bare minimum for me.
I am glad you are willing to protect your boundary. Please protect it as if your life depended on it, because it does.
Words are not used by them like we use them. An active addict will say EVERYTHING you want to hear so you are fooled to think "oh no...WE are unique, WE are special, ITS NOT TRUE FOR US what everyone else says... I will make it work... we will make it work..."
As soon as you are back it will be hell again... so only you can break the vicious circle.
((hugs))
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
well, you could leave him a note in your home, merely saying you're taking a time out to reflect on things and will return. i know i would appreciate that if i was in his shoes.
i don't know him, but i don't think you need to take all your things or that you won't hear from him again.
au contraire, you probably will hear too much from him, once he's sober enough to face you! if he follows pattern, he'll be ringing you non-stop soon.
if i was you, i would get my critical docs (pasport, birth cert., etc.) off-site and as for the rest, it's only stuff.
hope you manage to go out and distract yourself with something you enjoy tonight.
i don't know him, but i don't think you need to take all your things or that you won't hear from him again.
au contraire, you probably will hear too much from him, once he's sober enough to face you! if he follows pattern, he'll be ringing you non-stop soon.
if i was you, i would get my critical docs (pasport, birth cert., etc.) off-site and as for the rest, it's only stuff.
hope you manage to go out and distract yourself with something you enjoy tonight.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
For a long time I did things and made decisions that were based only on the fact that I didn't want my husband to feel un-loved. In the long run, that just doesn't work. It lacks honesty, integrity, and respect for the other person.
It (the need to do anything to prevent other people from feeling unloved, hurt, or distressed) is definitely something in me that I need to deal with. It is dysfunctional.
It (the need to do anything to prevent other people from feeling unloved, hurt, or distressed) is definitely something in me that I need to deal with. It is dysfunctional.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker
I just am mixed up about staying now or going and taking my keepsakes or not.
February 14
Confusion can be a gift from God. Looking back on instances when I felt desperately in need of an immediate solution, I can see that often I wasn't ready to act. When I became fully ready, the information I needed was there for the taking.
When I know to much about my options before the time is right to exercise those options, I tend to use the information only to drive myself crazy. That's why today, when I am feeling confused, I try to consider it grace. It may not yet be time for me to act.
I think dealing with confusion can be like cooking. If the bread isn't done, I don't take it out of the oven and insist that it's time to eat. I let it finish baking. If a clear solution to a problem hasn't shown itself yet, I can trust that it will appear when the time is right.
Today's reminder
I will thank my Higher Power for whatever I experience today, even if I feel troubled or confused. I know that every experience can offer me a gift. All I have to do is be willing to look at my situation in the light of gratitude.
"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." Helen Keller
Wife, hugs to you as you live today the best that you can. As everyone else said, take care of you!
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Thank you, taking charge. I don't think he would be violent with me in any way. I just think he might be irrational when hurt. Maybe get rid of stuff. Maybe not. I am TOTALLY speculating. I have no basis for knowlege.
I don't feel scared for my safety at all, just my future - in that jumping into the unknown/sad way.
He has emailed already. Minimized and said I hurt him. I'm holding on to the roller coaster bar.
I responded like a loving broken record - you did violate my trust. I do feel it is a problem. I love you and will work through it with you if you choose.
He said he wouldn't have access to email, but would call later and would be back to work on Monday.
Good good.
One second at a time.
I don't feel scared for my safety at all, just my future - in that jumping into the unknown/sad way.
He has emailed already. Minimized and said I hurt him. I'm holding on to the roller coaster bar.
I responded like a loving broken record - you did violate my trust. I do feel it is a problem. I love you and will work through it with you if you choose.
He said he wouldn't have access to email, but would call later and would be back to work on Monday.
Good good.
One second at a time.
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Location: The Sunny South
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((Hugs to you as you go thru these unchartered waters of your life))
As an alcoholic, I can tell you this.
His disease has been exposed to the light...the disease needs the darkness to stay. It is fighting to stay in the dark, fighting as hard as it can to survive. You didn't hurt him, you just opened up the door to his disease, one that he wished had stayed closed.
You won't make him do anything foolish, or drink more...if that does happen it is because he is an alcoholic, and that is why.
You have approached him in a loving, concerned manner, which, is almost more then
we deserve at times.
Hang in there...
As an alcoholic, I can tell you this.
His disease has been exposed to the light...the disease needs the darkness to stay. It is fighting to stay in the dark, fighting as hard as it can to survive. You didn't hurt him, you just opened up the door to his disease, one that he wished had stayed closed.
You won't make him do anything foolish, or drink more...if that does happen it is because he is an alcoholic, and that is why.
You have approached him in a loving, concerned manner, which, is almost more then
we deserve at times.
Hang in there...
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