sailorjohn

Someone else pointed out to me that the relationship was more like an addiction than anything else, a process addiction.

Common enough for addicts to find a new doc as a substitute, and she became my new doc.

Today, I try to think of her in those terms, and refrain from taking that first drink.

TakingCharge999

Ahh sailorjohn, that's right, once I reached the place where I allowed myself to feel anything just NOT ACT ON IT, keep it all to my journal, SR or other things that did not involve the addict... I knew I was safe.... it is lethal to "take the first drink", not only trying to communicate with a madman, but also starting the train of thoughts that lead to misery... that is also my "first drink" because I know I will end up crying and feeling sorry for myself and replaying the old cassette that has no voice of love, just the voice of addiction and self torture......

My motto lately is "I am safe at this moment" when I interact with the addict and I start feeling my heart racing and memories coming... "I am safe at this moment"

Looks you are also on your way to safe harbour, transform.

transformyself

Dothi-
I can't thank you enough for the brilliant suggestion of changing his name in my phone to More Stupid S***! He has called and texted me twice and when that name comes up, I dont' feel a rush (yes, I am addicted to him it's so clear right now) but rather a slap of reality. I don't answer. it's just more stupid crap.

And, it makes me laugh which is so healing.

Sailor-
addiction is the only way to describe my going back and back thinking things will be different, even though he's still drinking. I realized awhile back that I took him back after his affair because I had changed so much . I really purged a lot of stuff when we were separated last summer and was going to yoga 4 times a week and was calm and organized and kind and really freaking happy for the most part.

So much so that he, of course, wanted to be a part of it. He told me that.

I thought since I had changed, we would be ok. Why? Because I was the problem, obviously, in our marriage. Before I found out about the affair, he was coming home drunk and telling me all the things about me he hated and wouldn't live with anymore. So I changed them, not for him but for myself. I never expected him to want me agian. He was living with OW! She was his everything!

But when he came home., my thinking that I had fixed myself would fix our marriage was pretty nuts. He didn't do any work. I'm not his problem. Sure, I had problems, but he didn't fix his. And after a few months, when I needed support from the mind movies of him living with this other woman, he couldn't take it. We spiraled down and down. I became as sick as he was again.

I have to stop trying to save him, trying to control him, trying to change him. I know that. But I have to recognize when I start headed down that path, as Chrysylis says, and take a different path.

The good news is that I know this path. I 've done it before and know the pay off when I do detach and go NC with him.

Everyone here is so wise. Thank you.

harleyd101

Transformyself, I am sitting here reading the entire posts from start to finish (I didn't get to see it last night) and I really want to cry. I don't know if it's because I identify, or because I am so grateful to be out of it. Simply put, I know where you are, because I have been there. To be very honest with you, it doesn't sound like you are done. I pray I am wrong, because if you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting. I do not judge, I have gone around that mountain for 9 years. When the pain of loving this man outweighs the pain of being without him, you wil stop engaging with him. The no contact is ultimately for your benefit. Everytime you react to his madness, he sucks you into it, emotionally. He is killing your spirit, blackening your soul, and any interaction leaves you up in your head, going crazy trying to figure him out. You can't figure him out. There is no rhyme or reason to HIS insanity. He does not love himself, his family, his girlfriend, or life. He is in a living hell, and he is looking for someone to blame, and you willingly accept it. Yes, you are addicted, and the ONLY way to recover is COMPLETE abstinence. There is not other way.


I want you to see the flip side to this....the other side, the good stuff. Today you have a choice. For you and your kids. You can wake up peaceful with an attitude of gratitude for just today. It's only for this 24 hours. Make a deal with yourself that just for today...you wont have contact. If you have to tell yourself that if you have a burning desire to interact with him, you can do it the next day. You will feel peace quietly slipping into your life, and you will get to like that feeling. Being out of the insanity physically does not free you emotionally. You keep hanging on...I'm not sure what the hope is, but if you feel that somehow all of this will accumulate in him "waking up and getting sober cuz he's lost his family"...it doesn't work that way. As a RA, I can tell you that I gave EVERYTHING away (almost lost my kids too) and couldn't have cared less. I didn't hit bottom until I asked God to either take me or save me.....He saved me. I don't know if you ever went to Al-anon, but it is just fantastic!! My problem today is my thinking.....Al-anon helps me to think about things in a different light. There is no need for me to start dwelling on the past...it's sorrow. There's no need for me to in the future...it's fear. There's only room for today...it's peaceful. The XABF is not my business! It's about you baby, and why you feel you don't deserve to have a good life in a healthy relationship. Recovery is where it's at, Al-anon or AA. I pray for the best for you, and for God to take this load off your heart. If you want something you've never had, do something you've never done. Each time you do something for yourself, you start to feel a little bit better, then one day you wake up and realize you don't want to give that feeling away to anyone. Hugs across the miles.....

LaTeeDa

I used to look at it this way--

Insanity is contagious. And my tolerance was very, very low, having only just begun to heal from it. Engaging with him (or any other insane people) risked me catching it again. It simply wasn't worth the risk.

L

naive

hi transform myself-

when my xABF lied and cheated on me, i became kinda neurotic. i too kept track of his whereabouts and activities with the eagle-eyed precision and accuracy of a private detective. i too needed proof of everything i suspected and i got it. it took a lot of time and energy, but by the end, i had overwhelming evidence of lies and betrayals.

it was very difficult for me to think straight in the middle of the cyclone. why don't you take a total time out from contact with him and see how you feel in three days?

as for the state of the house, i would cut yourself a break and forget about it. A's like to blame us as it takes the focus off of them.

i agree with all of the voices here for no contact, at least for a little while until you get unconfused. your yoga sounds like a god-send and i'm sorry he's making you feel guilty about going there and glad you are not listening.

you are a fantastic writer and have a great way of expressing yourself so frankly and freshly, flaws and all.

i imagine that you will discover that as you grow stronger in your detachment and get up on your feet, your addict will suddenly rediscover his undying love for you. that appears to be a pattern i have noticed, in my own sordid story and the stories of others.

transformyself

Go on. I"m listening.

Want to know a secret?

When I engage with my life, excuding him, I"m happier than in my whole life.
Wanna know why?
My life, what i can accomplish and the prospect of being succesfull is infinetly more interesting than my screwed up marriage.

When I"m not with him, I"m in the flow of the great cosmic magnet. Amazing things happen to me. I say to my son, "well I guess we'll take this crappy couch from the basement," as we're moving out, "it's all we have. But what we really need is super long black leather couch."

Then I walk outside onto my front porch to move the moving truck and the Sandinistas across the street have thrown out a black, super long leather couch in darn good condition.

seriously. God is sick of me being with this guy and selling my life short. When I walk away and focus, i'm only taken care of and loved. Mostly likely because I get up every morning and pray. It's easier when i"m alone in the bed.

So yeah, why don't I do waht I know will help me heal? Great question.

Jadmack25

Transformyself, stay strong and let this cr*ppy little tinpot romeo, clean away to his hearts content. He's belly-aching about cleaning up a house, after you have spent years cleaning up his drunken messes, and the garbageleft from his multi cheating.

You called one of his women a few choice names, but honestly I think it was him who deserved the name calling. So he is a drunken, abusive, excuse of a man, with the morals of a tom cat who treats you, his wife like dirt, sends you into depression and dares to complain that you aren't housekeeper of the year. Sheesh!!!!!

I am sure God hasn't wanted you to stay in this misery for a long time, and is giving you all the help you need to get you free and clear of it all.

Make sure you have all your legal needs up to date, and take a deep breath before you make any decision.

Don't keep on worrying about how you couldn't FIX your marriage, it sure wasn't your fault and you were only able to change your part, and he wasn't interested in his part at all.

Hope he gets a real case of housemaids knee (and a few other nasties).

God bless

coyote21

, your HP is taking very good care of you and your kids, I would probably let him.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

transformyself

Hi Everyone
This was me, five months ago.

I hardly recognize myself in these posts, right after I found SR, but do remember the choking pain.

For those of you still stuck in the dance of shame with your A-here's an update:

I learnt how to turn off that GD phone-happily! Believe me on this, if you do it once, detaching from the A, detaching from the drama and chaos gets easier and becomes a way to achieve sanity. You will WANT the sanity rather than the madness. You can choose serenity over self inflicted pain.

I see folks still stuck in wanting to change the A, wanting to believe the lies. I know just a teensy while ago I was in the same place. I truly wanted freedom from the pain, but didn't believe it would happen.

For me, math is what brought about this miraculous change.

When I arrived here, I spent every waking moment thinking about the my AH and obsessing about my marriage. About him, his affair partner, what they did together, how unjust it all was, his drinking, whether or not he really loved me and how I could get him to do what I wanted him to do. Every. Waking. Moment.

I slept very little, so I'd say that was about 18 hours a day.

Slowly, I've subtracted time from that total. First it was minute by minute. Focusing on my life, my kids, my sisters, my animals, my house, my job, my friends. I started spending time with other folks who really do love me and spent that time NOT talking about my AH.

I was still desperate. Financially, emotionally and mentally.

I cycle around and around with AH, but each time I moved from no contact to interactions or even sleeping (!) with AH, the fresh pain I brought on myself was less satisfying and I now had that reference for what life could be in the absence of my own addiction to him. It's true peace, even in the face of the chaos I'd created in my life while ignoring it and focusing on AH.

As time has passed, I have larger sections of my day devoted to creating a better life for myself. I get enough sleep, mostly, and spend almost my entire day dealing with my new, imperfect, exciting and at times scary life.

I'd say I spend about 10 minutes a day thinking about him now. I still have flashbacks of his affair, but instead of entertaining those thoughts, I imagine a stop sign, then move onto my next agenda item.

I've INTENTIONALLY filled my life with thoughts and actions to make my life better. To be a better parent. To earn my own damn money and have financial freedom from my AH. I've worked hard and SR has given me the tools.

When AH has issues or a melt down, I'm not there to witness it. I dont' know who is, but I'm glad it ain't me. I know what I'm missing, and it's the drama and trauma you've read above. That's all. We are friendly, but his problems are just that. His.

My house is still messy. But I"ve spent the past two months building a new
business, a newspaper, and after our first issue was printed and distributed I have investors knocking down my door. Respect for my work from guys with suitcases stuffed with money.

My AH never read anything I wrote. For 14 years.

I plan to spend the next two weeks writing up a proposal for investors, determining content for the next issue, getting some capitol and hiring staff.

You may be thinking: but I'm not a writer. I can't start a business.

BullSh1t. You are what you think you are. You dont' have to be a writer, you can be whatever you've dreamt of being. You can step out of that victim role, walk away from the cycle of rediculous drama. Just put on your damn shoes and take a step. And when one step doesnt' get you where you want, take another.

You can create your future right here, right now, in your thoughts and actions. What kind of life do you want to have? There's the math- just thinking about and envisioning your version of happiness SANS THE DRUNK will subtract the minutes and hours you spend--you waste--on that tired old way of life.

I'm going to buy new clothes for my kids. I'm going to buy a damn vacuum cleaner. And that's infinatly more exciting than a raging, texting alcoholic.

CAPTAINZING2000

You're inspiring

thanks for the updated post

veracious

OMG thanks for sharing this!!!! I am having the same issues with my abf! Its sooo frustrating. I have learned that i have to shut my phone off at night since that seems to be his get extremly drunk and text crap to me time.

Jadmack25

WONDERFUL!!!! So now he can whine and whinge to his hearts content, and YOU don't hear any of this #&^%$ anymore. YES, OH YES!!! And who the hell cares what runs thru the open spaces of his moronic mind? NOBODY, that's who.

God bless