transformyself

We're separated. He's living in the foreclosed house, has to be out in Dec. We were suppose to move into this house together, but he wanted to drink and wouldn't stop his affair. Stlll, he left me. I was willing to continue to "
"work on things" which I now know isn't really being willing to work on things, but rather I wanted to stay in the madness and sickness and my denial. Trying to change him. If I only did x, y, or z better, he would love me. How horribly sad.

The place was wrecked, literally. I was in a very deep depression I'm realizing now I could barely get my work done, the laundry done, and feed the kids. He has gutted out the house. Is sending me picture texts of the kids room as he cleans it, how dirty it is. Screaming in the texts that I did NOTHING THERE EVER. And he's left cleaning it up. Has put on his Facebook page, "Anybody have to clean up years of neglect? I'm sick of it," with lots of swears.

He's raging at me for never cleaning it. It's true. I'm ashamed. I spent all my time in extreme anxiety, triggered into PTSD from his affair, he kept contacting her, lying to me, would say he would stop drinking and keep doing it, I was too busy keeping track of him and his drinking and affair. I neglected our kids. I neglected the house. He was either working or drunk or chasing other women. We fought all the time. I can't believe I stayed as long as i did. I too can't believe I let the house get so dirty.

I am so sad. I did send one text saying I would come over tomorrow to work too but he just keeps raging.

I know what all of you will say about the alcoholic, but he's right. I should be ashamed, the state that house was in. Papers stacked up. Dust all over the place. Disorganized.

I don't want to not own my own S*** but I don't want to be guilt tripped either. Ah...

transformyself

He's sending me texts that say, "you have done NOTHING to improve, NOTHING."

I guess I should turn off my phone and go to bed. He used to rage at me this way when we lived together. Wake me up drunk, or start pacing and raving about the house. Once he stood over me with balled up fists about the dog poop (she's a chihuahua) telling me to go downstairs and clean it up. I think i lived in fear. He would call or text me the next day and say, "are you mad at me?" or be super nice. Then it would just happen again.

So alcoholics can't express resentment, right? They stuff it? He was so unpredictable. No, no actually he was predictable. That's why I left. Because i could count on him continueing to treat me badly. Then apologize. He's like the dog. She rolls in poop you know and then gets into my lap. I wash her. She does it again. I hate it. She loves it. Loves to roll in crap.

kv816

xAbf and I have had similar arguments in the past. I did nothing, he did everything. He always did this and that and so on and so forth while I did nothing. He waited on me, hand and foot, making sure I always had everything I needed to have while I did nothing for him.

It took awhile, but all of that was his way of saying "I do A, B, C AND D for YOU so you should be okay with me drinking".

It's still quacking....whether it's "I love you" or "you're no good", it's still quacking.

How's YOUR house TODAY? Do you have an inch of dust on everything? Are the dishes washed? Clothes washed and dried? Kids go to bed with a full belly tonight? Did you follow his affair today?

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down tonight. You can't change what you did or didn't do yesterday. But you can look back at it, realize how you feel about it today and work at doing better tomorrow.

ANEWAUGUST

(((Transformyself)))

He made wreckage of your emotional well being. Just as anyone who is held down emotionally, you became paralyzed.

So, he has to clean up the house...BIG DEAL.

So, you weren't a stepford wife and kept a perfect house,...BIG DEAL.

Don't read the texts, don't respond to the texts.

Thank your higher power you are not living with a madmen, and embrace this new chance at serenity and happiness.

Your future is shining brightly before you...

kv816

Sounds like an excellent plan. Turn it off.

justtakestime

I have been at this very place where you are.....only weeks ago. Let Go and Let God!!!!! The reason I let the house go was because I too was following him not a love affair with another woman, but a love affair with alcohol and drugs. It sounds to me like he had several love affairs that you were following...not just with another woman. I am so embarrased about how nasty our house was and I will not go back to it and clean it up. The whole aura there is unbearable for me.......that is the place where I was miserable!!!! I now have an apartment that stays clean and I follow myself and my kids and our affairs...............NOT HIS!!!!!!! Keep your head up and smile. YOU are a woman and your kids will see how YOU are not crashing and burning on them!!!! Remember to LOVE yourself!!!!!!

sailorjohn

Yes, turn the phone off, unless you're absolutely certain that there's a call coming in from someone that actually matters.

No contact.

transformyself

Why does your kindness make me cry? Why do I want to call him and apologize or rage back at him? I did leave him with a huge mess. I was going to stay and try to work on things, but I was immobilized in that house. Literally. Even when I go back to get some things, I can't think or do anything.

There is nothing I can say to him, nothing will make a difference. He hates me. I'm lucky to not be living with him. Once, in March after he went out to see that W**** and apologized to her for sending a letter saying he was working on his marriage to me and she should stop trying to contact her, I was crying in the bed and he came in and said he would kill me if I didn't stop crying.

Oh that's right. I talked to him today on the phone and told him that I met a woman who worked at the bar both he and his affair partner frequented. I asked if she knew the skank and she said they call her "The W**** there because she has slept with so many of the waitresses boyfriends.

When I told him this he was livid. Said all kinds of crazy stuff to me, like "if you're going out meeting guys just don't bother talking to me," and you better stop talking about me." I told him I didn't even mention him, just asked about his affair partner and he was furious.

That's why he's raging at me about this stuff. His girlfriend, the love of his life is a w****.

I just feel sick. I shouldn't have told him that today, I keep forgetting he's not my friend. I shouldn't be talking to him.

wanting

I get where you're coming from, wanting to own up to your mistakes. I neglected a lot because of my addiction to the drama. I don't feel it's right or shows progress for me to say, "I did it because of him." I had a choice. I can't honestly think of what the right thing to do would be, because I wouldn't want to tell you to feed the drama, you know? Maybe calmly call tomorrow and offer to help with the house. Maybe he can take the kids one weekend day while you clean, and you can take the kids the other weekend day so he cleans. So you're helping, but not putting yourself in a position to be bickering all day. I don't know! I'd be just as conflicted as you are.

transformyself

Ok, ok, I'm okay. This is a momentary lapse of sanity for me that's all. You folks are sobering me up. I am going to go clean the kitchen and put away laundry before going to bed. That's the only thing I can do!

coyote21

I can only repeat what our friend Harleyd had to say "I also don't listen to ultimatums that are issued from someone in active addiction! FU## him!"

Whan my AW used to get drunk and interrupt my sleep I'd ask if she wanted to "go to jail"? Then I'd calmly dial 911 and get the cops out. She'd run off into the night on foot.

I only had to call them a few times before she learned. Don't mess with my sleep, damit!


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

BTW, a clean house is way low on my list of priorities. I average a 50 hour work week, with 10hrs of commute. My kid is clean, fed, and has clean clothes...and the damn litter box needs emptying. Big deal.

transformyself

yes, wanting, I do want to own my own mistakes. That's something I think is very important. Without blaming him.

But I also know that I really can't have contact with him. He just rages at me, hurts me, uses me. He called me today from work on his break, like he used to. Then driving home from work. He used to call me on every break on the way to and from work. We were in constant contact. he was raging about work. I listened, like I always do, (despite him never showing interest in my work or life) and when he was done he kept apologizing for talking to me.! I'm pathetic.

transformyself

OMG! I thanked harley for that phrase as well on that thread
"I also don't listen to ultimatums that are issued from someone in active addiction! FU## him!"

My goodness. What's wrong with me? How can I slip into this--whatever this is? Self pity and shame and guilt and fear of abandonment? What's there to be afraid of for goodness sake? The guys INSANE! And we're all ready separated and getting divorced. He's refusing to go to MC or reconcile.

AND BESIDES HE TREATS ME HORRIBLY.

I am going to need some serious help. I'm so strong sometimes.

wanting

OK, I get ya. And the more I think about it, the more I think that you can recognize where you failed because of your addiction, but what he's living with right now is his own doing. And I don't think you need to even tell him that you recognize that you failed, at this point. I agree with you that the contact is bad for both of you.

ANEWAUGUST

He will rage at you as long as you let him.

Don't let him occupy so much time and space in your head.

Why bother to even ask about the next lucky woman he can treat this way?

This may sound crazy, but, take your power back, you do not deserve to be treated this way, and you won't tolerate it anymore.

coyote21

FWIW, I lost my home to foreclosure. I allowed an alcoholic to make our financial decisions a little too long, my bad.

Worrying about whether the bank got a clean house was WAY, WAY, WAY, low on my priority list.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

kv816

Another quote I heard awhile back on here that I loved.........

Think about it this way.....you've been rejected by the reject.

And as so many have put it so eloquently already......

BIG DEAL!!!

sailorjohn

It is just my insight about myself, but I think the both of us-the ex and I-have that fear.

And that fear can be pretty deep seated.

As the designated sane person-using that term loosely-it's on me to make sure that those fears don't run my life.

I can't prevent her from trying to contact me, but I can choose whether or not I respond. The more you practice it, the easier it gets.

Will keep you in my good thoughts.

transformyself

So the more I practice no contact, the easier it will get.
And, He will rage at me as long as I let him.

Why, then, do I let him? I think I want to believe it'll be different this time. And I still hold on to the belief that I deserve it. Sick, sick sick...

What would I do without you guys?

transformyself

Well, of course he just sent me another one and I was right. It says,
Guess you proved me wrong. Guess I was just f****** a w*****. I hope this ends it for you. I f*** w*****!!

I should have never said that to him today, but that doesn't mean he has a right to get drunk and rage at me. I feel like I can separate those two things out. yes, I am responsible for my actions, but that doesn't mean he can be abusive to me, guilt trip me, which is waht I think he's doing..