dallas3300

Hi everyone. I have been reading these threads for the past several weeks and they have been so helpful to me. I finally decided to post myself. Please read my story and feel free to let me know if you have helpful comments.

A little over a year ago, I met my boyfriend and although I noticed he drank too much and had a history of drug abuse, I decided to start a relationship with him. He was sweet and kind and seemed to want to be with me all the time, and I figured that if I set boundaries like "I have no tolerance for lying, drugs, and I think you drink too much for us to be in a serious relationship" would prevent me from being in the situation I am in now. It seems kind of stupid now, but I had no history of dealing with addictions so I thought that if I expressed my feelings honestly, and he told me that he would change, everything might be ok. He made promises - I believed them.

As time progressed, we moved quickly. We lived together and I was pretty happy. However, I started finding about things, like he had a vague history of mental illness and often seemed manic. He's a chef and always said that chefs were heavy drinkers and it was no big deal....and that his manic tendencies actually helped him in the kitchen. We began arguing a lot and he was always incredibly defensive, paranoid and I always felt I was walking on eggshells around him. Like so many of you, I tried to focus on the fact that he was really smart and sexy and creative and loving...and he seemed so committed to me. I ignored too many red flags.

A couple months ago - lies started to unravel. I noticed receipts laying around for a bar he claimed he never went to. I found a bunch of empty beer cans in the closet. I confronted him and was met with horrible defensiveness and paranoia, but he agreed to start seeing a psychiatrist. Things improved slightly for a couple of weeks and then I just keep finding out little while lies about random things. When I tried to talk to him, he said, I was "sneaky and going through his things." The last straws were when he showed up at my office to bring me lunch (at 11:30 on a Monday morning) and reeked of beer, and then finding a bottle of vodka in his car. I threw him out after that. He went to stay with a current drug addict-friend. This was January 30. He was awful to me after he left -completely ignored my texts and calls, let his drunk, loser friends take his phone and harass me, and basically traumatized me.

I have learned through these forums that alcoholics don't have to drink until they pass out every night - it's more about the lying, and the hiding and the way the alcohol affects others. He did an amazing job of hiding this from me the past year. He barely drank around me and barely drank when we were out together. It was our differing schedules that allowed him to drink when I wasn't around.

Over the past month, I have absorbed myself far too much in his problems. I tried desperately to get him to talk to me and he is cold, distant and pushes me away. He refuses to believe he has a problem and the closest he gets is to say, "I have issues and I alcohol tends to exacerbate them." From all the research I have done, and the time I have spent in Al-Anon forums, I think he might be bipolar. He has admitted in the past that he has been diagnosed with mania and paranoia in the past. I have made myself sick worrying about him.

The reason I am writing today is because I crossed a line. I felt so desperate and worried about him that I contacted his Mom. I don't know his parents and never met them. I calmly explained that I was very worried about him and provided her with some details about the past month. It became obvious that she heard a highly different version of the details of our breakup, was very cold to me, and told me that she really didn't have a great opinion of me. I can only assume the ex told his parents quite a tale. I emphasized that I was simply extremely worried about my ex and that I had struggled with calling - and that I just wanted someone to know in case something awful happened. The call did NOT leave me feeling better - just stupid. She said she would keep the conversation confidential and I hope she does.

I am in therapy now and will have a lot to tell my therapist this week. I was doing ok with not talking to him the past couple weeks and have really spiraled backwards since this past weekend. It's plainly obvious that he wants NOTHING to do with me, and I know I have to accept that I can't control him and I am not responsible for him. I feel awful and stupid about contacting his mom and asked her to keep the conversation confidential. I just panicked and worried he might hurt himself. He would be furious if he knew and it would only serve to make his paranoia about me worse. I just wish I could let go.

I also just bought a copy of Codependent No More and will begin reading tonight. The rejection I feel from him is awful and makes me feel miserable. I just don't understand what of the last year was real, and what wasn't. He told me he loved me so much- did he? I don't know. One of the things that is hardest to accept is that I may never know what really happened....what the REAL truth is. It seems like his denial is through the roof.

Thanks so much for reading. Everyone here seems to have a similar story and it has really helped me confirm that I am not crazy. :-)

One note - he is 27 and I am 33.

Insulated

One thing I've learned is that those darned red flags! My guy told me the first week we were together that he was manic depressive. I said you mean bipolar, he said, NO manic depressive. I kept moving forward but was actually just a hamster on a wheel. Fast forward a couple years, uh YEAH! All the times he rejected me, I shoulda stayed gone. He has since passed away of an overdose, and he was bipolar, an addict and alcoholic. I was left with a mess, but not as big a mess as dodging the red flags. Honey, I know you feel crappy right now, but he did you a favor!

dallas3300

Thank you so much. All my friends and my therapist say, "be glad you are rid of him!" It's just so hard because I really loved him, and the relationship was real for me. It sucks to see how cold and distant he is now. I thought alerting his parents would at least mean that they would want to help him - but they are totally in denial too. I guess I need to realize there is NOTHING I can do and just try to stay strong. Thanks for your kind words - I really appreciate it. :-)

Kittyboo

At the moment I feel emotionally drained....but I just wanted to say that I understand exactly how you feel.
It is so difficult to see someone you loved, someone who you could never imagine being cold and distant to you, become well, cold and distant.

Everyone tells me the same thing too ..."it is a blessing he is gone!". Yes, this may be true, but also hard to really feel that.
I come here and read, and post and it gives me a lot of strength, and I use it as a big reminder of why I should be grateful I am no longer in a painful relationship.

I would read the sticky's up top, They have a lot of great information! It sounds like you understand the direction you should take now, but are going through the grieving process of losing the relationship. Day by day, and know that though it may feel like a door has closed, this end of this relationship now opens another door in which GOOD things that you deserve can come your way.

tjp613

((Hugs)) Dallas. Welcome.

Y'know, there are some people with mental disorders that actually canNOT feel emotions the same way you and I do but can only mimick them to "survive" and get their needs met. It's very confusing. I was involved with someone like that and I understand how you feel.

Since you've broken up with him and he's actually leaving you alone, I suggest you thank your lucky stars that he's not a stalker like so many and try to move on.