AH drunk and text raging at me
Ok, I feel better, I texted him and now will turn it off and go to bed. I wrote:
I am sorry I said that to you today. I know and understand why you were with her, she gave you what I cannot. But that doesn't mean you can rage at me.
I really feel better after saying that. he has been struggling with that affair, vaccilating between her being a cheap woman that sleeps around and the love of his life. I've watched him really try to sort it out, then slip back into the fantasy that she was perfect for him.
I shouldn't have said that to him today. But like I said, he can't rage at me.I know I shouldn't have responded, but what I said is the truth and draws a line.
When we were living together, he would rant and pace until I stood up and said, "that's enough. Leave me alone."
I guess I just needed more proof that this marriage is over. This sham of a marriage.
Goodnight ya'll and like my friend Coyote says, "God bless us all!"
I am sorry I said that to you today. I know and understand why you were with her, she gave you what I cannot. But that doesn't mean you can rage at me.
I really feel better after saying that. he has been struggling with that affair, vaccilating between her being a cheap woman that sleeps around and the love of his life. I've watched him really try to sort it out, then slip back into the fantasy that she was perfect for him.
I shouldn't have said that to him today. But like I said, he can't rage at me.I know I shouldn't have responded, but what I said is the truth and draws a line.
When we were living together, he would rant and pace until I stood up and said, "that's enough. Leave me alone."
I guess I just needed more proof that this marriage is over. This sham of a marriage.
Goodnight ya'll and like my friend Coyote says, "God bless us all!"
Oh, transform, good morning. I hope you HAVE slept well. When I was still married to my exH, not an A, I would sometimes get depressed and house would become a mess. This was especially true when he was having his affair. Him criticizing you for anything from housekeeping to cooking to the people you talk to is just an effort to distract you from the real problem--HIS DRINKING.
Yes, it takes two to tango and you were part of this world, but you were abused and don't need to pick up any of the stuff he's putting down. Once I moved out of the home I shared with my ex, my new place was neat as a pin! Imagine that!
Hugs, prayers, and best wishes as you move forward toward a brighter future!
HG
Yes, it takes two to tango and you were part of this world, but you were abused and don't need to pick up any of the stuff he's putting down. Once I moved out of the home I shared with my ex, my new place was neat as a pin! Imagine that!
Hugs, prayers, and best wishes as you move forward toward a brighter future!
HG
Tell him "he seems to be able to clean up a filthy house, but it's a pity he couldn't clean up his filthy, drunken life. And his mouth could do with a clean up as well, so til he does that, dont contact me."
He is trying to cover his messed up life, by chucking it on to you.
Don't take his quacky c**p, after all HE sent you into meltdown by his drinking, cheating, lies and abuse, so let him wear himself out cleaning up the mess he is primarily responsible for.
You are living away from his insanity and are not under his roof, so let him rant and roar into a phone, after you hang up on him. You don't have to listen to garbage now.
God bless
He is trying to cover his messed up life, by chucking it on to you.
Don't take his quacky c**p, after all HE sent you into meltdown by his drinking, cheating, lies and abuse, so let him wear himself out cleaning up the mess he is primarily responsible for.
You are living away from his insanity and are not under his roof, so let him rant and roar into a phone, after you hang up on him. You don't have to listen to garbage now.
God bless
Thanks everyone, I go back and forth between wanting to yell at him, apologize or just detach. I am one confused person.
I"m going to go stretch and make biscuits for my kids instead, put off thinking about this any longer. I think I won't even turn on my phone for awhile.
Thanks for listening and helping me last night. Today I just feel ugly and want to make a better life.,
I"m going to go stretch and make biscuits for my kids instead, put off thinking about this any longer. I think I won't even turn on my phone for awhile.
Thanks for listening and helping me last night. Today I just feel ugly and want to make a better life.,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Dear Transfromyself,
I was also married to a verbally abusive, alcoholic, who would not stop having an affair.
My counselor told me that he was a miserable person and would take his misery into every relationship that he had. He used to say "I like myself the way I am", even in his own misery. In his verbal abuse to me, he used to call me vulgar names, insult me, my clothes, makeup, hair, things I would say. My therapist told me that in order to make himself feel better about his cheating, his treating me badly and putting me down gave him the excuses he needed for his own bad behavior. I did every thing I could to hold onto the marriage and finally realized that if he asked me to dye my hair purple and walk on my hands for five miles, he would just find something else to criticize or hate about me, to justify his own behavior.
He was an alcoholic when we met and through 23 years of marriage, I threatened to leave him. His affair was the catapult and even then, I tried to hang on.
I was paralyzed when I found out about the affair. Ended up in a fetal position on the floor for about 3 months, with my 12 year old taking care of me. I finally snapped out of it (through counseling) and became stronger. When I finally divorced him, it was like a hugh weight being taken off my shoulder.
By focusing on your not cleaning the house, he is deflecting his bad behavior. If that is the only thing he can pick you apart about, it is pathetic on his behalf.
My ex told my therapist, he was p.o.'d that I had returned a dress after wearing it one time. Wow!!!! My bad. Pretty good justification to have an affair and drink yourself to death, don't you think?
Remove the weight from your shoulder and breathe again. Take care of yourself and your children. Good luck.
I was also married to a verbally abusive, alcoholic, who would not stop having an affair.
My counselor told me that he was a miserable person and would take his misery into every relationship that he had. He used to say "I like myself the way I am", even in his own misery. In his verbal abuse to me, he used to call me vulgar names, insult me, my clothes, makeup, hair, things I would say. My therapist told me that in order to make himself feel better about his cheating, his treating me badly and putting me down gave him the excuses he needed for his own bad behavior. I did every thing I could to hold onto the marriage and finally realized that if he asked me to dye my hair purple and walk on my hands for five miles, he would just find something else to criticize or hate about me, to justify his own behavior.
He was an alcoholic when we met and through 23 years of marriage, I threatened to leave him. His affair was the catapult and even then, I tried to hang on.
I was paralyzed when I found out about the affair. Ended up in a fetal position on the floor for about 3 months, with my 12 year old taking care of me. I finally snapped out of it (through counseling) and became stronger. When I finally divorced him, it was like a hugh weight being taken off my shoulder.
By focusing on your not cleaning the house, he is deflecting his bad behavior. If that is the only thing he can pick you apart about, it is pathetic on his behalf.
My ex told my therapist, he was p.o.'d that I had returned a dress after wearing it one time. Wow!!!! My bad. Pretty good justification to have an affair and drink yourself to death, don't you think?
Remove the weight from your shoulder and breathe again. Take care of yourself and your children. Good luck.
((Transform))
Just like the alkie/addict thinks it will be different this time when they go back out and drink, codies suffer from that same thought pattern.
His rage is a smoke screen to the real problems, his problems, his addiction, his affair.
Does it matter that he was with a skank, or with a beauty queen? NO.....
I am curious...what on the face of the earth are you apologizing for? You have NOTHING to apologize for.
His smoke screen of rage is like the Wizard of Oz...behind the curtain is just a man. No great powers, nothing to give you that you don't already have inside of you.
You just have to believe in yourself.
Just like the alkie/addict thinks it will be different this time when they go back out and drink, codies suffer from that same thought pattern.
His rage is a smoke screen to the real problems, his problems, his addiction, his affair.
Does it matter that he was with a skank, or with a beauty queen? NO.....
I am curious...what on the face of the earth are you apologizing for? You have NOTHING to apologize for.
His smoke screen of rage is like the Wizard of Oz...behind the curtain is just a man. No great powers, nothing to give you that you don't already have inside of you.
You just have to believe in yourself.
HFMS
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We share so many similarities, yet I am aware that I am still searching for "the truth" in his accusations. I was conditioned to blame myself for others abuse. Plain and simple.
My AH has been an alcoholic since I met him as well. His drinking has escalated so much, I don't know how he's keeping it together. My AH is passive aggressive and would intimate why he didn't love me (I don't agree with your choices, or, I don't respect your lifestyle) which I'm sure had everything to do with my inability to be Martha Stewart. So ok, go have an affair, or three like he did and I foolishly took him back every time.
And each time he did, I would spiral down down because he wasn't able to help me heal from it. He wouldn't stop talking to the last woman, who he lived with for 4 months after I threw him out. it drove me crazy. He brought her into my house! No wonder I couldn't function there. So many horrible things happened there, I am ashamed to admit them to you guys. Months, years of horrible fighting, me crying.
I am working on releasing the need to control him. My fear that he will be happy with someone else. He always said to me, "you just don't want me to be happy," when he was with her, living with her and still trying to be my friend. I couldn't stand it.
Reading this over, I just need to be free of that very sick relationship. I've left him physically. Now I have to do it emotionally.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. We share so many similarities, yet I am aware that I am still searching for "the truth" in his accusations. I was conditioned to blame myself for others abuse. Plain and simple.
My AH has been an alcoholic since I met him as well. His drinking has escalated so much, I don't know how he's keeping it together. My AH is passive aggressive and would intimate why he didn't love me (I don't agree with your choices, or, I don't respect your lifestyle) which I'm sure had everything to do with my inability to be Martha Stewart. So ok, go have an affair, or three like he did and I foolishly took him back every time.
And each time he did, I would spiral down down because he wasn't able to help me heal from it. He wouldn't stop talking to the last woman, who he lived with for 4 months after I threw him out. it drove me crazy. He brought her into my house! No wonder I couldn't function there. So many horrible things happened there, I am ashamed to admit them to you guys. Months, years of horrible fighting, me crying.
I am working on releasing the need to control him. My fear that he will be happy with someone else. He always said to me, "you just don't want me to be happy," when he was with her, living with her and still trying to be my friend. I couldn't stand it.
Reading this over, I just need to be free of that very sick relationship. I've left him physically. Now I have to do it emotionally.
Good morning!!
Ahh transform, everything is still very fresh, be patient you won't unlearn bad habits and behaviors in one day!
LOL I was told as well I did not keep our room clean. Well he was also there, right? he could have cleaned too, right? or he could have said "let's put some order around here, why don't you pick up your things while I do the same then we will see who sweeps and who mops" or something like that like normal roomies would do? big deal.
I guess if I am a jerk and my partner provides sex, compliments, irons my shirts and keeps everything clean and tidy she deserves my "love". if she has no emotional needs and drinks with me she is my dream woman! lol what kind of world is that?
Good for you to get out the drama now stick with it and change your numbers or block him!!! Or communicate via email only and ask a friend to sort out the BS and give you just the facts.......
No contact!!
Ahh transform, everything is still very fresh, be patient you won't unlearn bad habits and behaviors in one day!
LOL I was told as well I did not keep our room clean. Well he was also there, right? he could have cleaned too, right? or he could have said "let's put some order around here, why don't you pick up your things while I do the same then we will see who sweeps and who mops" or something like that like normal roomies would do? big deal.
I guess if I am a jerk and my partner provides sex, compliments, irons my shirts and keeps everything clean and tidy she deserves my "love". if she has no emotional needs and drinks with me she is my dream woman! lol what kind of world is that?
Good for you to get out the drama now stick with it and change your numbers or block him!!! Or communicate via email only and ask a friend to sort out the BS and give you just the facts.......
No contact!!
Why turn it on at all? Give yourself one day of peace. Consider it a gift to yourself.
By focusing on your not cleaning the house, he is deflecting his bad behavior. If that is the only thing he can pick you apart about, it is pathetic on his behalf.
My ex told my therapist, he was p.o.'d that I had returned a dress after wearing it one time. Wow!!!! My bad. Pretty good justification to have an affair and drink yourself to death, don't you think?
Remove the weight from your shoulder and breathe again. Take care of yourself and your children. Good luck. Lots and lots of wisdom in this post. Yep, his raging is all about him. Wonder what would happen to him if he didn't have YOU to dump on?? Hmmmmm. Think about that for a minute and I think you'll be one step closer to refusing to be a whipping post.
This just makes me nauseous, I guess because it brings up the disgust I had/have for myself for putting up with a similarly abusive relationship 10 years ago. I'm begging you, PLEASE stop reading his texts. If he has something of material interest to say, he'll call. If he starts getting abusive, hang up. PLEASE don't do this to yourself anymore. You don't deserve ANY OF IT no matter what you think you did. Every human being deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. Anything less is not worth your consideration. Period.
:ghug3
By focusing on your not cleaning the house, he is deflecting his bad behavior. If that is the only thing he can pick you apart about, it is pathetic on his behalf.
My ex told my therapist, he was p.o.'d that I had returned a dress after wearing it one time. Wow!!!! My bad. Pretty good justification to have an affair and drink yourself to death, don't you think?
Remove the weight from your shoulder and breathe again. Take care of yourself and your children. Good luck.
:ghug3
Is sending me picture texts of the kids room as he cleans it, how dirty it is. Screaming in the texts that I did NOTHING THERE EVER. And he's left cleaning it up. Has put on his Facebook page, "Anybody have to clean up years of neglect? I'm sick of it," with lots of swears.
FWIW this sounds like quacking from over here. It's too black&white. It's ALL YOUR FAULT and NONE of his??? Yeah right.
transform, is there any way you can get a friend to read through his messages and summarize for you what the important information is? You don't need to hear repeated verbal abuse is order to know that (once again) he's not happy. Change his name on your phone to "more stupid sh*t" and the next day ask a trusted friend if they can sift through and find anything relevant in all this "stupid sh*t".
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
I was at a similar place a few years ago. I was thinking about it a while back and realized at that time I was standing at a fork in the road of my life. Accept the guy back after years of verbal abuse and affairs and if I do that I am permanently a second class citizen from his point of view, no rights with him, he is entitled to do whatever, I am not etc...because I taught him it was OK to do that to me..... OR take the other fork. Walk away and build a new life.
I thank my HP everyday that He helped me pick the second road. I walked away and it was the hardest thing I ever did. It was so painful.....like childbirth and I guess I was getting reborn into my new self.
Now with time and distance I can see the insanity and abuse. I can have great compassion for myself because even though I did make mistakes like being a bad housekeeper I was doing the best I could while being held hostage and under constant attack. I can see that my deep depression was a direct consequence of over a decade of emotional abuse.....which he then used against me. My counselor said he liked to go for my jugular and was real good at doing so.
Take care of yourself, break away from him and take the other fork, regain your balance and improve your emotional well being, gain some distance from the insanity and by doing so you will be helping your life improve.
I thank my HP everyday that He helped me pick the second road. I walked away and it was the hardest thing I ever did. It was so painful.....like childbirth and I guess I was getting reborn into my new self.
Now with time and distance I can see the insanity and abuse. I can have great compassion for myself because even though I did make mistakes like being a bad housekeeper I was doing the best I could while being held hostage and under constant attack. I can see that my deep depression was a direct consequence of over a decade of emotional abuse.....which he then used against me. My counselor said he liked to go for my jugular and was real good at doing so.
Take care of yourself, break away from him and take the other fork, regain your balance and improve your emotional well being, gain some distance from the insanity and by doing so you will be helping your life improve.
Well, I did change his name to MORE STUPID S**** and created a ringtone that is just silence for him. I have to have my phone on today in case my sister calls, she is also getting divorced and we talk ever day.
I sent him the following email, purging and crying and now I come here and you disembodied angels are the voice of reason. You know more than he ever did or ever could.
why don't I know these things until you tell me? I know in my heart what you say is the truth. He is like a magician and I'm the willing audience member who allows herself to be tricked. Abused is right.
I will come here every day until your words replace his. I prefer this reality.
I don't know why I apologized to you for saying that about OW. Oh, yes I do, because you were raging. Because I have to scramble and clean up everything up when you're angry with me. Because you might not love me and go find someone else.
Why do I care? Why do I stay hooked into this? I left you because of the madness, because you woke me up again, drunk and saying you were divorcing me, because of the never ending cycle of hope then crushing revelations that you are still in love with her and don’t really love me. It’s kept me awake all night for the last time.
Why does the house look like that? Why is it such a pit? You lashed out at me again and again. I never knew when you would get drunk, when you would contact her, what i had done wrong to set you off this time, worse yet you gave me what I thought was love in between, crumbs to keep me hooked into the hope that some day we could be happy together. You're so charming and sexy and beautiful of course it's me that's the problem. Of course, you can clean the house, you clean up the messes I make over and over again and hate me for it. I deserve to be cheated on, lied to and raged at.
Then the next day you apologize and get my hopes up that we can be normal and you’ll love me. And I feel like **** about myself because I doubted you and you just want me to be happy. But the garbage kept piling up in our house. Nothing was getting fixed, nothing was getting better. Just like your drinking, it never stopped, the beer bottles piled up, the madness crept in from around the edges until it took over the entire house and our children suffered and I spiraled down into despair and you hated me and I hated myself more and more. We hated each other.
You immobilized me, paralyzed me, eviscerated me in that house.
You brought her into our house while telling me what a piece of **** I was. Made her dinner, wrote her poems, all the while treating me like ****. You showed me. Then you moved out with her and became nicer to me than ever before. You’re so talented at keeping me guessing, I have no idea whats really going on. What to expect. And when I finally tried to get control of my life and filed for divorce to let you go, suddenly you wanted me. Oh I was in heaven. You only want me when I don’t’ want you. You went to your family to announce we were getting back together again and would be happy finally, that we would fix what was wrong. I think we both believed it. You hugged and held me at thanksgiving at your borthers and by Christmas you were ramming your car into mine when I wouldn’t move it so you could go get more beer. When I was upset about you having your affair. If only I had kept my mouth shut and never had issues with all that stuff, just cleaned the house like a good girl. By april you told your family that you should have left me long ago, hated me, screwed the daylights out of me, lied to me, tried your best to love me and be a good husband and you failed and I failed and it’s a all one ongoing nightmare. Why can't I clean the house? I'm perfectly capable of working, of cleaning. whats wrong with transformyself?
Our home, that house became a pit of doom and despair. That's why someone broke into it right after I moved out with the kids, they only stole the broken stuff. Because everything there was broken between us. No matter how we lied to ourselves and each other, no matter what kind of happy faces we put on when we went out in public. You are broken. I am broken. You tried to help me heal after you came home, but failed. I wanted you to finally once and for all, show her that I meant more to you than she did and you hated me for it. Apologized to her for it. So that she could gloat at me when I was with the kids. Over and over and over again. More pain, more fear, more self-doubt and my self-esteem ground into the overgrown lawn outside.
I tried to believe in you and failed. Of course I understand why you did what you did, our marriage was horrible, awful when you started your affair with her, I really truly did understand and forgave you. You did things to help me, to show me that you weren't going to hurt me, but changed your mind or something. Too much damage is right. You vacillated and went back and forth, never staying the course. Saying you loved me and it was supportive and reassuring one minute, literally, then when I thought it was safe to come to you with my hurt you slapped me. Ridiculed me for being insecure. You wouldn't stay away from her.
Go back to OW, AH she will never ask you to stop drinking. She will see you again; listen to whatever you have to say again, she will be everything I never was for you again. I am truly sorry that you ended the best relationship of your life, the woman that was perfect for you. Of course you want to go back to her. She showed you respect. She used a soft voice and was always polite and let you be in charge and did whatever you wanted her to and took really good care of herself and maybe she'll even have a three some with you and cleaned out the fridge and did your laundry and bought you beer and smokes. She was classy; she waited until you could get away from me. "Everything is going exactly as planned." (he sent her that text before I found out about the affair and I found it) why did the house get so dirty? What’s wrong with me? I'm a pig, a total loser. It has nothing to do with being emotionally abused by you. Of course it's all me, until the next day when you call me from work to see if I'm ok, to ask me, when are you going to stop being mad at me?
I see know that I didn't love you either. That was not love. You and I never loved each other. It was all lies we told ourselves. You are my father and I am your mother and it is sick sick sick. I wanted to heal that. I wanted to be happy with you.
I'm the w**** too AH. I'm just one of your w****s. You’re so good at it and it keeps me coming back for more. More pain, please. More pleasure please. More madness and sickness and denial and arguing and filth please.
I sent him the following email, purging and crying and now I come here and you disembodied angels are the voice of reason. You know more than he ever did or ever could.
You don't just walk away from a team for a while, then come back and scream at them for struggling without you. It's part of his husband/fatherly duty to be there for his family.
I will come here every day until your words replace his. I prefer this reality.
I don't know why I apologized to you for saying that about OW. Oh, yes I do, because you were raging. Because I have to scramble and clean up everything up when you're angry with me. Because you might not love me and go find someone else.
Why do I care? Why do I stay hooked into this? I left you because of the madness, because you woke me up again, drunk and saying you were divorcing me, because of the never ending cycle of hope then crushing revelations that you are still in love with her and don’t really love me. It’s kept me awake all night for the last time.
Why does the house look like that? Why is it such a pit? You lashed out at me again and again. I never knew when you would get drunk, when you would contact her, what i had done wrong to set you off this time, worse yet you gave me what I thought was love in between, crumbs to keep me hooked into the hope that some day we could be happy together. You're so charming and sexy and beautiful of course it's me that's the problem. Of course, you can clean the house, you clean up the messes I make over and over again and hate me for it. I deserve to be cheated on, lied to and raged at.
Then the next day you apologize and get my hopes up that we can be normal and you’ll love me. And I feel like **** about myself because I doubted you and you just want me to be happy. But the garbage kept piling up in our house. Nothing was getting fixed, nothing was getting better. Just like your drinking, it never stopped, the beer bottles piled up, the madness crept in from around the edges until it took over the entire house and our children suffered and I spiraled down into despair and you hated me and I hated myself more and more. We hated each other.
You immobilized me, paralyzed me, eviscerated me in that house.
You brought her into our house while telling me what a piece of **** I was. Made her dinner, wrote her poems, all the while treating me like ****. You showed me. Then you moved out with her and became nicer to me than ever before. You’re so talented at keeping me guessing, I have no idea whats really going on. What to expect. And when I finally tried to get control of my life and filed for divorce to let you go, suddenly you wanted me. Oh I was in heaven. You only want me when I don’t’ want you. You went to your family to announce we were getting back together again and would be happy finally, that we would fix what was wrong. I think we both believed it. You hugged and held me at thanksgiving at your borthers and by Christmas you were ramming your car into mine when I wouldn’t move it so you could go get more beer. When I was upset about you having your affair. If only I had kept my mouth shut and never had issues with all that stuff, just cleaned the house like a good girl. By april you told your family that you should have left me long ago, hated me, screwed the daylights out of me, lied to me, tried your best to love me and be a good husband and you failed and I failed and it’s a all one ongoing nightmare. Why can't I clean the house? I'm perfectly capable of working, of cleaning. whats wrong with transformyself?
Our home, that house became a pit of doom and despair. That's why someone broke into it right after I moved out with the kids, they only stole the broken stuff. Because everything there was broken between us. No matter how we lied to ourselves and each other, no matter what kind of happy faces we put on when we went out in public. You are broken. I am broken. You tried to help me heal after you came home, but failed. I wanted you to finally once and for all, show her that I meant more to you than she did and you hated me for it. Apologized to her for it. So that she could gloat at me when I was with the kids. Over and over and over again. More pain, more fear, more self-doubt and my self-esteem ground into the overgrown lawn outside.
I tried to believe in you and failed. Of course I understand why you did what you did, our marriage was horrible, awful when you started your affair with her, I really truly did understand and forgave you. You did things to help me, to show me that you weren't going to hurt me, but changed your mind or something. Too much damage is right. You vacillated and went back and forth, never staying the course. Saying you loved me and it was supportive and reassuring one minute, literally, then when I thought it was safe to come to you with my hurt you slapped me. Ridiculed me for being insecure. You wouldn't stay away from her.
Go back to OW, AH she will never ask you to stop drinking. She will see you again; listen to whatever you have to say again, she will be everything I never was for you again. I am truly sorry that you ended the best relationship of your life, the woman that was perfect for you. Of course you want to go back to her. She showed you respect. She used a soft voice and was always polite and let you be in charge and did whatever you wanted her to and took really good care of herself and maybe she'll even have a three some with you and cleaned out the fridge and did your laundry and bought you beer and smokes. She was classy; she waited until you could get away from me. "Everything is going exactly as planned." (he sent her that text before I found out about the affair and I found it) why did the house get so dirty? What’s wrong with me? I'm a pig, a total loser. It has nothing to do with being emotionally abused by you. Of course it's all me, until the next day when you call me from work to see if I'm ok, to ask me, when are you going to stop being mad at me?
I see know that I didn't love you either. That was not love. You and I never loved each other. It was all lies we told ourselves. You are my father and I am your mother and it is sick sick sick. I wanted to heal that. I wanted to be happy with you.
I'm the w**** too AH. I'm just one of your w****s. You’re so good at it and it keeps me coming back for more. More pain, please. More pleasure please. More madness and sickness and denial and arguing and filth please.
So, do you want to end it, or do you want to keep dancing? Someone here wrote these words to me some time ago, I obviously wanted to keep dancing and I did.
No contact is pretty much that.
No contact.
Good luck.
No contact is pretty much that.
No contact.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Oh boy! You sound like me. I end up engaging with exah via text or whatever and we dance round and round. Nothing ever changes. He is who he is and I am who I am. What do you expect to happen? That he will have some big revelation due to your words? Hell will probably freeze over first. I always think if he can just see it from my perspective...how can he deny it? How can he not change? Well, addicts are the most selfish people on the planet. He doesn't care how he has hurt you. He doesn't care about all the skany whores he brings into his bed. As long as he is getting his ego stroked and his needs met he is fantastic.
This weekend I started all over again in going no contact except when it concerned our baby and even with that I kept it at a minimum. He tries to engage me and I didn't respond. He started digging at me accusing me of thinking I was perfect and I didn't respond. He told me he wasn't the monster I think he is...and I didn't respond. Heck ya! I wanted to, but what good will it do?
As long as you keep dancing, he'll keep playing the fiddle. Only you can decide when you are finished with the drama. What is keeping you from making that decision?
I turned off the phone and he called our 11 year olds phone to talk to him. I walked into the other room. It's not like I haven't gone NC with him before, but the withdrawl will be tough. for a minute. I've had it. Sadness passed in about 10 minutes this morning after I sent the email. I feel better now just need to have strength for when the urge to contact him comes again.
And I"ll set up some rules for myself.
Turn phone off at night.
only email and text, no phone calls, and only about kids and finances.
happy cashier lady when I have to see him face to face. No discussion of marriage, emotions, etc.
Have phone numbers on hand of folks who arne't sick of me crying about him for the next time I dance with him. supportive folks.
and come here to post instead of actually sending him this crap.
I did that earlier this week, vented without sending it to him. I think he couldn't stand it. Apparently, neither could I
Oh well, a slip. It didn't feel good. Anvil thanks for the car wreck analogy. Lucky to be able to walk away instead of being carried off in a stretcher!
Some more things you may want to consider:
You cannot fix the past.
Spending time and energy on things you can't fix will wreck the present.
A dirty house does not make you a bad person.
You will never get him to see your side.
Healthy people cannot get sick people healthy.
Sick people CAN get healthy people sick.
There are no mistakes if you learn something.
In order to have a new life, you have to be willing to let go of the old one.
L
You cannot fix the past.
Spending time and energy on things you can't fix will wreck the present.
A dirty house does not make you a bad person.
You will never get him to see your side.
Healthy people cannot get sick people healthy.
Sick people CAN get healthy people sick.
There are no mistakes if you learn something.
In order to have a new life, you have to be willing to let go of the old one.
L
Boy oh boy these guys all read from the same playbook don't they.
My AH calls himself a monster as well, first denying that he is one, then claiming he is, and I'm better off without him.
I think I just wanted to vent. That's why I will come here and do it next time instead of sending it to him. I write. It is how I get everything out. Next time, I'll come here and do it just like i did earlier this week.
So I need something from you guys. Please read this
We are now on internet time. Thank you for reading and caring about my pain and suffering from last night and early this morning. Over the past several hours, I have moved on. I have examined my interactions with my AH and am working on being honest with myself, knowing I dont' deserve the abuse and stopping it myself. Getting back to a healthy, strong place.
I appreciate all the concern and wisdom here.
My AH calls himself a monster as well, first denying that he is one, then claiming he is, and I'm better off without him.
What do you expect to happen?
So I need something from you guys. Please read this
We are now on internet time. Thank you for reading and caring about my pain and suffering from last night and early this morning. Over the past several hours, I have moved on. I have examined my interactions with my AH and am working on being honest with myself, knowing I dont' deserve the abuse and stopping it myself. Getting back to a healthy, strong place.
I appreciate all the concern and wisdom here.
Thanks for that list LTD. It really helps.
It's hard to work through this stuff, I've had decades, decades of this entanglement. It's hard to come out of a night like last night and sort out why I engage but I'll do it.
At least I don't live with him. Man, what would have happened if we were still living together and he went at me like that? I was getting aggressive back! That's insane! At least breaking NC is a teensy bit better than not leaving him and staying for god knows what kind of madness. Today I have worked on cleaning my own damn house and taking care of the kids for me. And for my kids. Not because I"m afraid of my AH.
Ah well. Progress, not perfection.
It's hard to work through this stuff, I've had decades, decades of this entanglement. It's hard to come out of a night like last night and sort out why I engage but I'll do it.
At least I don't live with him. Man, what would have happened if we were still living together and he went at me like that? I was getting aggressive back! That's insane! At least breaking NC is a teensy bit better than not leaving him and staying for god knows what kind of madness. Today I have worked on cleaning my own damn house and taking care of the kids for me. And for my kids. Not because I"m afraid of my AH.
Ah well. Progress, not perfection.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
What a sad deal. I'm sorry for you and your family that you're going through this.
I can relate to you on one front... the ending of a marriage (if that's the case... in the end, who knows) as my ex-spouse left me for someone else.
But I'm the alcoholic... allbeit in recovery since 93', pretty much.
And we didn't have children.
The first thing I had to focus on was that we were done... whether I wanted it to be over or not. I commend you for being willing to have tried to be with him despite the drinking and the affair. But if it's done, it's done. When one of the spouses decides it's over, the other one doesn't have much say. After the crushed ego and the hurt pride, I had a part of me that still wanted her back. But she had already decided we were done, so I had to operate from that.
One thing that I had to learn about the dissolution of the marriage and her affair was that it was about HER, not ME. I hope you've come to see this and/or will come to the full realization that it's not your fault.
Now... the fact of his alcoholism... also not your fault... in any way shape or form... whether he knows this or not.
You're the mother in your family and I'd think this is job #1 for you (Job #2, actually*). A dirty house? Not a biggie. It's nice to have a clean house 24/7, but there again, you're not the "maid", right? Who put the housekeeping on your plate? Everybody in the home can do their part to do that stuff. Some people are better at it than others.
My wife's parents had to come to our town last night because we thought grandma had a heart attack and was dying. So I had to go home and get the house "presentable". It wasn't too bad of a chore... could have been worse. Do we keep a clean home most of the time? Heck no. I envy people who can. But it's just not the worst issue on the planet, if you know what I mean.
I hope that you come to take care of yourself Job 1 (as a child of God), then * Job 2 is be a mom and provider. If you could help him, that would be great, but you can't. In fact, he may be dangerous. You may need to stay well away from him and let him hit a bottom.
My concern would be... and this is only a suggestion as I cannot rightly give you advice experientially... is protect yourself and your kids physically, legally and financially from him if possible. Does that make sense?
I can relate to you on one front... the ending of a marriage (if that's the case... in the end, who knows) as my ex-spouse left me for someone else.
But I'm the alcoholic... allbeit in recovery since 93', pretty much.
And we didn't have children.
The first thing I had to focus on was that we were done... whether I wanted it to be over or not. I commend you for being willing to have tried to be with him despite the drinking and the affair. But if it's done, it's done. When one of the spouses decides it's over, the other one doesn't have much say. After the crushed ego and the hurt pride, I had a part of me that still wanted her back. But she had already decided we were done, so I had to operate from that.
One thing that I had to learn about the dissolution of the marriage and her affair was that it was about HER, not ME. I hope you've come to see this and/or will come to the full realization that it's not your fault.
Now... the fact of his alcoholism... also not your fault... in any way shape or form... whether he knows this or not.
You're the mother in your family and I'd think this is job #1 for you (Job #2, actually*). A dirty house? Not a biggie. It's nice to have a clean house 24/7, but there again, you're not the "maid", right? Who put the housekeeping on your plate? Everybody in the home can do their part to do that stuff. Some people are better at it than others.
My wife's parents had to come to our town last night because we thought grandma had a heart attack and was dying. So I had to go home and get the house "presentable". It wasn't too bad of a chore... could have been worse. Do we keep a clean home most of the time? Heck no. I envy people who can. But it's just not the worst issue on the planet, if you know what I mean.
I hope that you come to take care of yourself Job 1 (as a child of God), then * Job 2 is be a mom and provider. If you could help him, that would be great, but you can't. In fact, he may be dangerous. You may need to stay well away from him and let him hit a bottom.
My concern would be... and this is only a suggestion as I cannot rightly give you advice experientially... is protect yourself and your kids physically, legally and financially from him if possible. Does that make sense?
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