Alcoholic Fiancee now on dating website
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
My take is this.... While it great to vent, I do and derive a good amount of catharsis from doing so; ultimately the most constructive mindset concerning the fiancée is so whAt. Taking care of yourself involves not letting things you can't control effect you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I am sorry to be so blunt, but he is just a selfish jerk, alcoholic or not. This is not alcoholic behavior, it's selfish immature jerk behavior. Please do not uproot yourself for him. Sometimes it is good to focus on all the heartache he has caused you to get ANGRY. He does not deserve you. He does not deserve anybody. It seems as if he is successful in instilling guilt and making you feel that he is right. He is NOT right: in a relationship, partners look after each other and UNDERSTAND that some things sometimes have priority over being together. My ABF has children and of course they have priority over me. If he cancels an evening out because his friend is in crisis or his pet is sick, that's fine because they need him, etc, etc. A person who does not accept that should never be in a relationship.
I am just saying this, like everybody else, to let you know that he is unreasonable and selfish.
Why are you still with him? What keeps you from telling him that you cannot be with him anymore?
I am just saying this, like everybody else, to let you know that he is unreasonable and selfish.
Why are you still with him? What keeps you from telling him that you cannot be with him anymore?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
With previous ex boyfriends, if I saw them on a dating website, I would just remind myself of why it did not work out. And I just made sure that I had a good picture up, kept my profile positive--noting things that I wanted for someone that I dated in the future----"I would like to date someone who is financially responsible and financially independent."
It is easy to hold onto a former relationship--he may be good-looking, he may be a good kisser, he may be good at sex. But at the end of the day, does he really care about you? If you had a bad day, would he give you a hug? Does he ask too much from you? Is this relationship equal? If he is an alcoholic, it is not equal. And it does not get better if you are married--it is more stressful. Some guys do not have good role models in their life. I have found that I have had to learn to set good boundaries in my life. I did have to stand up to my husband.
I am really lucky that my husband has had good role models, he had a great family with a wonderful mother and father, and he has had sobriety in the last couple of months and that both of us are living together again. It is so much better, and I treasure the time that we spend together. Like I really feel like I can just be a wife and that I can be happy. And I have been getting more involved by getting into different community groups. And I saw Julie & Julia, and I finally got a Marseille print apron at Williams Sonoma, and I taking some free cooking classes at Williams Sonoma. I am just celebrating being the woman who I am rather than revolving around the man who is an alcoholic.
It is easy to hold onto a former relationship--he may be good-looking, he may be a good kisser, he may be good at sex. But at the end of the day, does he really care about you? If you had a bad day, would he give you a hug? Does he ask too much from you? Is this relationship equal? If he is an alcoholic, it is not equal. And it does not get better if you are married--it is more stressful. Some guys do not have good role models in their life. I have found that I have had to learn to set good boundaries in my life. I did have to stand up to my husband.
I am really lucky that my husband has had good role models, he had a great family with a wonderful mother and father, and he has had sobriety in the last couple of months and that both of us are living together again. It is so much better, and I treasure the time that we spend together. Like I really feel like I can just be a wife and that I can be happy. And I have been getting more involved by getting into different community groups. And I saw Julie & Julia, and I finally got a Marseille print apron at Williams Sonoma, and I taking some free cooking classes at Williams Sonoma. I am just celebrating being the woman who I am rather than revolving around the man who is an alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Yes it is just getting to be so funny. I have not bothered him all day but he keeps calling and texting telling me not to bother him anymore. I really think the alcohol is warping his brain!!! Leaving me messages that he wants a women that is in his life fulltime and if I do not move down to Baltimore it is all over. OK he is on a dating website and is calling me telling me not to bother him but to move down to Baltimore and I am the one that is the psycho?? Not sure how he is going to date unless he dates another alcoholic that has her own place as he lives with his mother and all he wants to do is sit in a bar. He even takes me to a bar for breakfast when I would come down to meet him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Yes I am and why I do not know. Anyway thanks to everyone on this life saving site I think I am making some progress. Set up an appointment with a counselor on Thursday evening. Have not seen alcoholic fiancee in over two weeks and slowing clearing him out of my head. I guess the only other step would be Al-Anon meetings. Also as suggested stop reading the text messages and listening to the voice messages. Thanks again--I am forever grateful for everyone help!!!
Hugs to everyone!!!
Hugs to everyone!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
He is not only a selfish, immature, jerk. He is a freeloading, self centred, controlling, selfish immature, and low life jerk. I have other names for him, but they aren't allowed on here, and little old ladies like me aren't supposed to know them.
Fiancee is supposed to denote someone in a committed relationship and having the intent to marry. This does NOT describe this useless, mindless d**k with legs. He IS NOT your fiancee, he does NOT love you, he is too much in love with HIMSELF.
Tell him to use his words to manure roses, cause all his talk is just horses**t.
NO contact, block him or get a new number, and dump him in the nearest rubbish bin.
Do whatever it takes, to work on yourself and get your mind back on to you and what you want, need, and deserve in future. Be very sure of this...HE IS NOT for YOU.
God bless
Fiancee is supposed to denote someone in a committed relationship and having the intent to marry. This does NOT describe this useless, mindless d**k with legs. He IS NOT your fiancee, he does NOT love you, he is too much in love with HIMSELF.
Tell him to use his words to manure roses, cause all his talk is just horses**t.
NO contact, block him or get a new number, and dump him in the nearest rubbish bin.
Do whatever it takes, to work on yourself and get your mind back on to you and what you want, need, and deserve in future. Be very sure of this...HE IS NOT for YOU.
God bless
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Bohn,
If my memory serves me from previous posts, I think your son is about 15? I fear that he has taken the role of parenting you, instead of the other way around. Children should not have to see their Mother depressed over a man who treats them with absolutely zero respect and comforting you by saying that Karma will punish him in the end, when it is YOU who is not doing anything to change YOUR situation.
I'll repeat what others have already said, What are you getting from this relationship? You are NOT powerless over your situation, you can end it this minute, no if's and's or but's. What delusion are you hanging on to? I ask you this compassionately, have you asked yourself what it is that you are hoping for? What makes you think that this man can offer you anything differently to what he is throwing at you currently? I think you have to get honest with yourself and if you feel that you really don't know, then it would benefit you greatly if you got professional help to find out what causes you to accept this kind of treatment and why you would want to marry him. Oh, I think you mentioned you are booked to see a counselor this week. Good for you and work as hard as you can while working with this counselor.
Best wishes Bohn.
If my memory serves me from previous posts, I think your son is about 15? I fear that he has taken the role of parenting you, instead of the other way around. Children should not have to see their Mother depressed over a man who treats them with absolutely zero respect and comforting you by saying that Karma will punish him in the end, when it is YOU who is not doing anything to change YOUR situation.
I'll repeat what others have already said, What are you getting from this relationship? You are NOT powerless over your situation, you can end it this minute, no if's and's or but's. What delusion are you hanging on to? I ask you this compassionately, have you asked yourself what it is that you are hoping for? What makes you think that this man can offer you anything differently to what he is throwing at you currently? I think you have to get honest with yourself and if you feel that you really don't know, then it would benefit you greatly if you got professional help to find out what causes you to accept this kind of treatment and why you would want to marry him. Oh, I think you mentioned you are booked to see a counselor this week. Good for you and work as hard as you can while working with this counselor.
Best wishes Bohn.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
He is not only a selfish, immature, jerk. He is a freeloading, self centred, controlling, selfish immature, and low life jerk. I have other names for him, but they aren't allowed on here, and little old ladies like me aren't supposed to know them.
Fiancee is supposed to denote someone in a committed relationship and having the intent to marry. This does NOT describe this useless, mindless d**k with legs. He IS NOT your fiancee, he does NOT love you, he is too much in love with HIMSELF.
Tell him to use his words to manure roses, cause all his talk is just horses**t.
NO contact, block him or get a new number, and dump him in the nearest rubbish bin.
Do whatever it takes, to work on yourself and get your mind back on to you and what you want, need, and deserve in future. Be very sure of this...HE IS NOT for YOU.
God bless
Fiancee is supposed to denote someone in a committed relationship and having the intent to marry. This does NOT describe this useless, mindless d**k with legs. He IS NOT your fiancee, he does NOT love you, he is too much in love with HIMSELF.
Tell him to use his words to manure roses, cause all his talk is just horses**t.
NO contact, block him or get a new number, and dump him in the nearest rubbish bin.
Do whatever it takes, to work on yourself and get your mind back on to you and what you want, need, and deserve in future. Be very sure of this...HE IS NOT for YOU.
God bless
you're killing me.
Great stuff and hopefully your words will help break denial in his girlfriend.
"mindless D@@k with legs" huh. why must you insult all males??? LOL
aka Glenna :)
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Wow, it was really hard for me to read this thread. Because I have spent 3 years embroiled in this type of relationship, and it triggered a lot of negative and anxious feelings. I put up with things that are very similar and it's scary. I also know how hard it is to let go, even from something so horrible.
I was at the gas station yesterday, and out front there was a man screaming at a woman and totally berating her, calling her every name in the book. She came into the store, and I saw the look on her face as she was standing at the counter...shame, rage, hopelessness, resignation, etc. I have had that look so very many times, as if that was my life and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I can say is that it scares me, because I have walked hundreds of miles in your shoes until they were worn out. I want to take them off now.
I was at the gas station yesterday, and out front there was a man screaming at a woman and totally berating her, calling her every name in the book. She came into the store, and I saw the look on her face as she was standing at the counter...shame, rage, hopelessness, resignation, etc. I have had that look so very many times, as if that was my life and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. All I can say is that it scares me, because I have walked hundreds of miles in your shoes until they were worn out. I want to take them off now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Steve's post: ((("mindless D@@k with legs" huh. why must you insult all males???)))
Trust me Steve, I was only referring to this particular male, and certainly not dumping all men into the sewer he belongs in. What an insult to the men on this site, who show day by day just what REAL men are, to be put in the same mix with this twit.
His words and actions really got my goat, but I still think he deserves a hit.
God bless
Trust me Steve, I was only referring to this particular male, and certainly not dumping all men into the sewer he belongs in. What an insult to the men on this site, who show day by day just what REAL men are, to be put in the same mix with this twit.
His words and actions really got my goat, but I still think he deserves a hit.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Thank you BOHN, for that lovely compliment. As I posted to Steve, there are real men in every area on this site, from those in recovery to those going thru hell with an addicted wife or partner. I strongly suggest you takea look at some of their posts and see what the big differenceis between their words and actions and those of your ABF, (hope he's now an XABF).
God bless
God bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Steve's post: ((("mindless D@@k with legs" huh. why must you insult all males???)))
Trust me Steve, I was only referring to this particular male, and certainly not dumping all men into the sewer he belongs in. What an insult to the men on this site, who show day by day just what REAL men are, to be put in the same mix with this twit.
His words and actions really got my goat, but I still think he deserves a hit.
God bless
Trust me Steve, I was only referring to this particular male, and certainly not dumping all men into the sewer he belongs in. What an insult to the men on this site, who show day by day just what REAL men are, to be put in the same mix with this twit.
His words and actions really got my goat, but I still think he deserves a hit.
God bless
I am joking, God bless you too
seeking recovery
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
Thankyou Jadmack for your words I needed to read them to knock some sense in to me. I am also in 'withdrawal' from ex alc fiancee I was seriously tempted to call him tonight to offer him help etc etc as I know he is probarly holed up drinking and having a pity party he is so full of misery I dont know what I saw in him maybe mistook his jealousy for love and taken in by 'sexual chemistry' and rebellious traits that I rarely expressmyself. I have also found him on internet sex site and also with another woman but took him back when he got on his hands and knees and begged me to marry him!
After a few days I seem to forget all the truly awful things he has said and done and start to miss him. Why?????????
After a few days I seem to forget all the truly awful things he has said and done and start to miss him. Why?????????
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
If you even have to ask yourself "why" am I putting up with this, then you know it's a bad relationship.
A good relationship will never make your gut ask those kinds of questions..
A good relationship will never make your gut ask those kinds of questions..
Originally Posted by fragrantrose
Thankyou Jadmack for your words I needed to read them to knock some sense in to me. I am also in 'withdrawal' from ex alc fiancee I was seriously tempted to call him tonight to offer him help etc etc as I know he is probarly holed up drinking and having a pity party he is so full of misery I dont know what I saw in him maybe mistook his jealousy for love and taken in by 'sexual chemistry' and rebellious traits that I rarely expressmyself. I have also found him on internet sex site and also with another woman but took him back when he got on his hands and knees and begged me to marry him!
After a few days I seem to forget all the truly awful things he has said and done and start to miss him. Why?????????
After a few days I seem to forget all the truly awful things he has said and done and start to miss him. Why?????????
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
WHY?
Addiction, Addiction, Addiction.
You are addicted to him, and need to treat him as if he were just that.
Get sober, stay away from him in your mind as well as physically.
Do anything to avoid thinking of him even for a little bit, eg scrub floors, dig the garden, call a friend, go for a massage, get involved in voluntary work, take up a hobby, do a study course, or just bang head on wall, whatever it takes.
Do a 12 step program with him as the addiction, and adapt it as you go.
Put him in the too hard basket and put yourself as the priority in your life.
It is YOUR life, not his, so go live it.
God bless
Addiction, Addiction, Addiction.
You are addicted to him, and need to treat him as if he were just that.
Get sober, stay away from him in your mind as well as physically.
Do anything to avoid thinking of him even for a little bit, eg scrub floors, dig the garden, call a friend, go for a massage, get involved in voluntary work, take up a hobby, do a study course, or just bang head on wall, whatever it takes.
Do a 12 step program with him as the addiction, and adapt it as you go.
Put him in the too hard basket and put yourself as the priority in your life.
It is YOUR life, not his, so go live it.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Jadmack25, I love your words of wisdom. I too have been asking myself today why I miss him? I have felt compelled to take the block off the phone just to see if he will text or call!! Insanity!!! That block has been on for 17 days (and counting) and I still want a text or a call. Why?? Isn't that the million dollar question? Like it would validate me in some way. Gosh, I am sooo sick! It's just so hard with him living down the street. I haven't had any troubles since last Friday, and instead of feeling good about this, my sick mind wanders over to the "why doesn't he at least try" and my ego kicks in and thinks I would gain some sort of victory if he came down here begging and crying (again). It's like that "fix" still. If I think he wants me and he's miserable without me, then I can walk away and feel pretty good. If I think he's out with other women (that's a sure thing) then my mind screws with me and tells me to call him and take that block off the phone. Everytime I post here and I see my own words, I realize that I am not a healthy person. Everytime I think I am moving forward, my mind takes me back. My mind is my own worst enemy right now, and today was minute by minute. And I didn't take that block off the phone!! I get a sick feeling in my gut when I even contemplate removing it. That should tell me it's not the right thing to do!!! UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Thanks for listening to my rantings!!!!
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