Alcoholic Fiancee now on dating website
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Alcoholic Fiancee now on dating website
When will this insanity stop. Now found out my alcoholic fiancee is on the POF dating website using pictures I toke of him when we were together. He said that I do not take care of my man so he is looking elsewhere?? He also informed me his massive debt ($15,000 in credit card and house foreclosure) will be wiped out and his credit will be restored within two years--why do I bother to be responsible and pay my bills? However he still lives with his Mom and continues to drink now he is going to take some other women out and spend money and have a good time with them when he never does anything with me other then go to a motel which I end up paying. We have a cell plan together in my name of course that I have to beg every month for the money. He calls me cheap because I just do not pay it. He is the one that begs me to add him and promised to pay his half every month? He put in his profile he likes to camp and go ice skating--heck in three years we only went to the movies one time, I went on every vacation by myself. He never wanted to go to any concerts or anything. He tells me he is so happy.
My son said that don't worry Mom believe in karma and everyone get their just dues?? The lucky SOB never even got a DUI!!!
Everyone is so correct on this website when they say relationships with alcoholics drive you crazy--I think I am not too far away!!!
Thanks for listening!!!
My son said that don't worry Mom believe in karma and everyone get their just dues?? The lucky SOB never even got a DUI!!!
Everyone is so correct on this website when they say relationships with alcoholics drive you crazy--I think I am not too far away!!!
Thanks for listening!!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
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When will this insanity stop. It will stop when you stop participating in this one way relationship.
What are you getting from this one way realtionship? Sex?
Does the sex leave you feeling appreciated and respected? Because the rest of the relationship sounds completely empty.
Your description of this relationship does not sound healthy. According to your post, your son is aware of problems in this one sided relationship. By being a willing participant in this relationship, you condone the behavior of your boyfriend. Is that the role model you want for your son and his future relationships?
This is what I see based on your posts:
Mom meets guy at hotel for intimacy.
Mom pays for hotel.
Guy never takes mom and son out for fun adventures.
Guy is very important to mom.
Mom pays phone plan for guy. Guy says he will pay her back.
Guy never pays her back.
Guy blames mom constantly. Guy accuses mom of not meeting his needs.
Mom feels guilty, cries and promises to try harder to meet guys needs.
Mom can't focus on son's needs because her mind is wrapped around how to respond to guy's needs.
Your son hopes karma will bite this guy in the butt, is that because he is powerless to do anything other than hope for karma to interceed?
When will this insanity stop. It will stop when you stop participating in this one way relationship.
What are you getting from this one way realtionship? Sex?
Does the sex leave you feeling appreciated and respected? Because the rest of the relationship sounds completely empty.
Your description of this relationship does not sound healthy. According to your post, your son is aware of problems in this one sided relationship. By being a willing participant in this relationship, you condone the behavior of your boyfriend. Is that the role model you want for your son and his future relationships?
This is what I see based on your posts:
Mom meets guy at hotel for intimacy.
Mom pays for hotel.
Guy never takes mom and son out for fun adventures.
Guy is very important to mom.
Mom pays phone plan for guy. Guy says he will pay her back.
Guy never pays her back.
Guy blames mom constantly. Guy accuses mom of not meeting his needs.
Mom feels guilty, cries and promises to try harder to meet guys needs.
Mom can't focus on son's needs because her mind is wrapped around how to respond to guy's needs.
Your son hopes karma will bite this guy in the butt, is that because he is powerless to do anything other than hope for karma to interceed?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
I know this whole relationship or whatever you call it is just driving me crazy!!! I can't sleep, am depressed and somehow it all gets blamed on me. He also wants me to give up my house in Reading and the job I have had for 24 years and move to Baltimore and rent a house with him?? That is another thing he is mad at me for. He said I do not make any move to be with him. Wants a women that "takes care of her man"--he is mad as I do not want to drive to either Baltimore or York every weekend and sit at a bar or spend money on a motel room.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
RUN....this guy is bad news. Do not to subject yourself to this or your precious son. Believe what this guy is telling you through his behavior...he believes he is entitled to have whatever he wants when he wants, however he wants regardless of the consequences to anyone else. If you do not jump when he demands he manipulates you. He knows exactly how to push your "GUILT" button to get you to do what he wants making you into a puppet.
Cut those puppet strings, get into counseling and Alanon and begin to heal yourself!
Cut those puppet strings, get into counseling and Alanon and begin to heal yourself!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I don't get it. Is he your fiancee, or is he your ex?
If he's your ex, you know what I say to all the drama you've just ranted about? WHO CARES.
If he's your fiancee...he does not sound like marriage material. Kick him to the curb.
Problem solved.
If he's your ex, you know what I say to all the drama you've just ranted about? WHO CARES.
If he's your fiancee...he does not sound like marriage material. Kick him to the curb.
Problem solved.
Originally Posted by Bohn05 
When will this insanity stop. Now found out my alcoholic fiancee is on the POF dating website using pictures I toke of him when we were together. He said that I do not take care of my man so he is looking elsewhere?? He also informed me his massive debt ($15,000 in credit card and house foreclosure) will be wiped out and his credit will be restored within two years--why do I bother to be responsible and pay my bills? However he still lives with his Mom and continues to drink now he is going to take some other women out and spend money and have a good time with them when he never does anything with me other then go to a motel which I end up paying. We have a cell plan together in my name of course that I have to beg every month for the money. He calls me cheap because I just do not pay it. He is the one that begs me to add him and promised to pay his half every month? He put in his profile he likes to camp and go ice skating--heck in three years we only went to the movies one time, I went on every vacation by myself. He never wanted to go to any concerts or anything. He tells me he is so happy.
My son said that don't worry Mom believe in karma and everyone get their just dues?? The lucky SOB never even got a DUI!!!
Everyone is so correct on this website when they say relationships with alcoholics drive you crazy--I think I am not too far away!!!
Thanks for listening!!!
My son said that don't worry Mom believe in karma and everyone get their just dues?? The lucky SOB never even got a DUI!!!
Everyone is so correct on this website when they say relationships with alcoholics drive you crazy--I think I am not too far away!!!
Thanks for listening!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Just like Eleanor Roosevelt said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"...also, No one can make you feel CRAZY without your consent either.
Why do you let yourself get so worked up about all of this? Wouldn't you rather be spending your energy on other things? Like, maybe taking care of YOURSELF instead of fretting over what he's doing? Who cares? Let it go.
Ever been to al-anon?
Why do you let yourself get so worked up about all of this? Wouldn't you rather be spending your energy on other things? Like, maybe taking care of YOURSELF instead of fretting over what he's doing? Who cares? Let it go.
Ever been to al-anon?
Originally Posted by Bohn05
I know this whole relationship or whatever you call it is just driving me crazy!!! I can't sleep, am depressed and somehow it all gets blamed on me. He also wants me to give up my house in Reading and the job I have had for 24 years and move to Baltimore and rent a house with him?? That is another thing he is mad at me for. He said I do not make any move to be with him. Wants a women that "takes care of her man"--he is mad as I do not want to drive to either Baltimore or York every weekend and sit at a bar or spend money on a motel room.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Actually going to see a counselor on Thursday Sandrawg who will probably suggest I also attend Al Anon I would imagine. I just cannot take this anymore--it is becoming so I cannot even function anymore!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
It is a beautiful day out and I am just sitting here too depressed to get out of my PJs. Already been told if I want to see my whatever he is I have to come to Baltimore--I do not feel like going one mile to the grocery store let alone 100 miles to Baltimore!!!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
You might find some real help by reading the Stop Going to the Hardware Store thread.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...are-store.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...are-store.html
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Yeah "alcoholic fiancee" is a bit of a contradiction in terms isn't it? Almost like "military intelligence"...????
Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you know he's an alcoholic, and he is ALREADY behaving like this before the wedding, I think marrying him would be nuts. Read some of the threads from people who already ARE married to alcoholics. It only gets worse...
Marriage is a huge commitment and you're entwined with that person forever...your bank accounts, your children, your emotional wellbeing...sometimes even your career...all of those things can be negatively affected when married to someone in the throes of substance abuse.
You can't pull someone up to your level, but they can sure drag you down to theirs, and i've seen many a poor soul come to this forum because an AH has done just that.
**{hugs}}
Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you know he's an alcoholic, and he is ALREADY behaving like this before the wedding, I think marrying him would be nuts. Read some of the threads from people who already ARE married to alcoholics. It only gets worse...
Marriage is a huge commitment and you're entwined with that person forever...your bank accounts, your children, your emotional wellbeing...sometimes even your career...all of those things can be negatively affected when married to someone in the throes of substance abuse.
You can't pull someone up to your level, but they can sure drag you down to theirs, and i've seen many a poor soul come to this forum because an AH has done just that.
**{hugs}}
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Now her is telling me I am mental and I would have to go a long way to be in a relationship with him considering my mental state!!! He said I am dam lucky to have a man like him. He wants sex and companionship and I am never there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He said I am dam lucky to have a man like him.
Hmmmmm. If that's what "lucky" is I'll have the opposite please!
It's all argument for argument's sake.
He's an active alcoholic. Have you accepted that an active alcoholic cannot be actually present in a true emotional relationship? Do you need any more evidence of this than the way this man talks to you and treats you? And, consider this, he may be this kind of hostile and selfish person without alcohol!! There's a very good chance of that!!
If he's breaking up with you right now maybe you are lucky!
If he's not, then it sounds like he is just trying to get a rise out of you and manipulate you into satisfying his demands. And you're made for better than that!
BTW, how is your doggie?
peace,
b
Hmmmmm. If that's what "lucky" is I'll have the opposite please!
It's all argument for argument's sake.
He's an active alcoholic. Have you accepted that an active alcoholic cannot be actually present in a true emotional relationship? Do you need any more evidence of this than the way this man talks to you and treats you? And, consider this, he may be this kind of hostile and selfish person without alcohol!! There's a very good chance of that!!
If he's breaking up with you right now maybe you are lucky!
If he's not, then it sounds like he is just trying to get a rise out of you and manipulate you into satisfying his demands. And you're made for better than that!
BTW, how is your doggie?
peace,
b
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Bohn...he says those things to you because you listen to them. As long as you keep dancing, he'll keep playing the fiddle. You are not going to get what you want from this man. He is using you, pure and simple. Like Ago said in the Hardware Store thread, he is what he is and there is nothing you can do to make him be what you want. It's time to end this and move on. You have a son to think about and he actually does deserve your love and attention, not this selfish, selfish man who takes out other women. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Reading PA
Posts: 46
Bernadette--thanks for asking--just had her to the vet on Friday for a recheck and her ear infection is almost all cleared up. In fact we are going on a "Walk the Animals" benefit in our area for the Humane Society on Sat. Sept. 26th and she is walking with me!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Run...dont walk!
If you don't leave him, just don't have a child with this man. It will be a life of pure hell. At least now you have so many options for a better life....you can walk away and never talk with him again. If you have a child with this alcoholic like alot of us here on this board do, you will never be truly rid of the games and manipulation!
If you don't leave him, just don't have a child with this man. It will be a life of pure hell. At least now you have so many options for a better life....you can walk away and never talk with him again. If you have a child with this alcoholic like alot of us here on this board do, you will never be truly rid of the games and manipulation!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
He said "bla bla bla"....it's all what we call on the forum, quacking.
Do a search on the forum for quacking. A lot of what alcoholics say is just manipulation, and not unlike meaningless duck utterances.
Unfortunately, when we keep putting stock in what a alcoholic says and expressing outrage and taking a victim role, we're doing our own form of quacking as well.
Don't go the hardware store looking for bread! I'm going to keep repeating that mantra from now on-thanks Ago
Do a search on the forum for quacking. A lot of what alcoholics say is just manipulation, and not unlike meaningless duck utterances.
Unfortunately, when we keep putting stock in what a alcoholic says and expressing outrage and taking a victim role, we're doing our own form of quacking as well.
Don't go the hardware store looking for bread! I'm going to keep repeating that mantra from now on-thanks Ago
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Bohn are you in 1 to 1 therapy? I kindly suggest it... many times our motives are too hidden deep deep down in our subconscious and a counselor helps unveil them.. otherwise you are living in automatic and the moment you are free, another "man" like this will come along, just in a different body, and you will end up feeling the same way.
Hard to break the cycle but I agree you are in time to choose a better life!
To me he is a jerk plain and simple and it hurts me your son realizes all this - he will treat his own girlfriend/wife the same way in a few years, he is learning its ok to treat women like that. And then would you have any right to be surprised?
Coercing and manipulating someone into sex is violence in one of its vilest forms. I have "given in" to so much stuff that hurt my body and soul. You are the only one who can STOP IT FOR GOOD!
Hope you realize you were made for so much more, and I say lucky is the woman who knows how strong she is and who can discern who is worth her time and affection.
Hard to break the cycle but I agree you are in time to choose a better life!
To me he is a jerk plain and simple and it hurts me your son realizes all this - he will treat his own girlfriend/wife the same way in a few years, he is learning its ok to treat women like that. And then would you have any right to be surprised?
Coercing and manipulating someone into sex is violence in one of its vilest forms. I have "given in" to so much stuff that hurt my body and soul. You are the only one who can STOP IT FOR GOOD!
Hope you realize you were made for so much more, and I say lucky is the woman who knows how strong she is and who can discern who is worth her time and affection.
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