Taken a tumble
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Taken a tumble
Ive done that awful thing again and snooped on internet, to find 8 months after my AH abandoned me that he is living with an argentinian woman in the west indies and has been since february. I heard that he had met someone but my sister in law told me there was nothing in it...she lied to me, she knew because she went out there in april. I know my step daughter has been and stayed with them and how they wander the island taking photos all day and holding hands and how my sister in law gave them a microwave to cook with etc etc. How she cuts his hair (he had lovely long grey hair and I used to cut it for him). It sounds like this fantastic love affair...so immediate after he left although i know he met her a few weeks after. In the meantime, he has kept trying to get in touch "to be friends" and Ive remained no contact, with my sister finally getting sick of him contacting her and telling him in no uncertain terms that his overtures were not welcome. He has joined an AA site in August but never actually done anything on it....god I feel so awful, it was like a car crash last night, I didnt want to see it, but couldnt help looking. I think I had a right to know from my sister in law, she kept it completely from me...I have not responded in any way to all this and kept my pride, but it is so so painful. I felt I was doing so well, my A leaves me after 7 years of such chaos and breaks my heart and he lands smack bang on his feet...I just need to vent, I didnt know i was so completely replaceable, she is now part of his family instead, talking about the things I used to know about, its hell....Please give me some support, I know i shouldnt have looked but ive done really well changing my life in the last months, finding work to compensate for his income (he was major earner) carrying on paying bills, getting a lodger, building my network of friends, going new places...it just feels like Ive been kicked in the stomach, I felt physically sick when I read it...How has he bounced back so wonderfully, whilst I am still not done grieving...hes renaged on all responsibilities, im getting his mail which I know is people chasing him and he is just having a ball on a little island with a sexy argentinian....I feel so very bad... Lilly
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I am so so so sorry this has brought you down. What's worse, of course, is that it was all so easily avoidable, this pain. If only you had just been able to reach out to someone, anyone or gone somewhere, anywhere rather than give in to temptation and go digging for information on him.
You've had a relapse my dear Lilly and the guilt, shame, hurt, and sorrow are all par for the course.
You feel hurt because he has moved on. Why should you be, you've moved on haven't you? At least you had. Addicts must move on and replace their enablers or they may perish from their own consequences. When she has been used up she will move on, too and he will be forced to find another. Until he runs out of elligible women to fit the bill, this cycle will continue.
You are angry at your sister for not telling you? Should any of the recovering alcoholics or addicts at SR be angry for someone not bringing their DOC to their door? In fact, wouldn't that be the cause of great anger. Thank's buddy for bringing by just the thing I don't want to see again...ever! You are angry because she did not deliver your DOC on a platter and tell you all about him. That's just misplaced anger at yourself, I think. She was helping you, not hurting you.
All you can do is start again on your recovery. Start anew. Pull out some reading material or look up threads on letting go. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but relapsing is supposed to suck so bad you don't want to do it again. Write how you feel down on paper, leave nothing out. Then, if you ever feel the urge to look him up again, you can remember how you feel right here and right now and maybe stop yourself before you go down this road again.
Written with care
Alice
You've had a relapse my dear Lilly and the guilt, shame, hurt, and sorrow are all par for the course.
You feel hurt because he has moved on. Why should you be, you've moved on haven't you? At least you had. Addicts must move on and replace their enablers or they may perish from their own consequences. When she has been used up she will move on, too and he will be forced to find another. Until he runs out of elligible women to fit the bill, this cycle will continue.
You are angry at your sister for not telling you? Should any of the recovering alcoholics or addicts at SR be angry for someone not bringing their DOC to their door? In fact, wouldn't that be the cause of great anger. Thank's buddy for bringing by just the thing I don't want to see again...ever! You are angry because she did not deliver your DOC on a platter and tell you all about him. That's just misplaced anger at yourself, I think. She was helping you, not hurting you.
All you can do is start again on your recovery. Start anew. Pull out some reading material or look up threads on letting go. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but relapsing is supposed to suck so bad you don't want to do it again. Write how you feel down on paper, leave nothing out. Then, if you ever feel the urge to look him up again, you can remember how you feel right here and right now and maybe stop yourself before you go down this road again.
Written with care
Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Stop stop STOP assuming the very best for him, and the very worst for you. In all your extensive experience with AH, do you really honestly believe that everything has changed so wonderfully? You are jumping to the conclusion that your worst nightmare in distancing from him has come true: that he has magically recovered 100% and without you.
He hasn't. From what you know, he isn't working a program. That means things look good on the surface, but they're still the same mess underneath.
Whoever this woman is, do you honestly believe that she is not slowly being manipulated into tolerating his negative behaviors? That she isn't tolerating more and more everyday, thinking that these slips are just glitches in his *amazing* personality?
Think about everything you've read on this board. This is what alcoholics do - they find enablers. They find someone else to charm. They find someone else to take care of them. They find someone else to take emotionally hostage so that they can continue to drink and deny the truth of their situation. When this woman is done with him, he'll move onto another, and she'll be wondering the same things you are wondering now.
Hang in there, Lilly Burn, your emotions are getting the best of you, but what they're telling you is not 100% truth.
He hasn't. From what you know, he isn't working a program. That means things look good on the surface, but they're still the same mess underneath.
Whoever this woman is, do you honestly believe that she is not slowly being manipulated into tolerating his negative behaviors? That she isn't tolerating more and more everyday, thinking that these slips are just glitches in his *amazing* personality?
Think about everything you've read on this board. This is what alcoholics do - they find enablers. They find someone else to charm. They find someone else to take care of them. They find someone else to take emotionally hostage so that they can continue to drink and deny the truth of their situation. When this woman is done with him, he'll move onto another, and she'll be wondering the same things you are wondering now.
Hang in there, Lilly Burn, your emotions are getting the best of you, but what they're telling you is not 100% truth.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
I liken this to the lies alcohol whispers to the alcoholic that they can drink, and everything will be fine.
The codie is tempted, hears the whispers and gets tempted to get a fix of the addict....
Whispering lies all around..
Avoid the temptation...don't listen to those voices.
The codie is tempted, hears the whispers and gets tempted to get a fix of the addict....
Whispering lies all around..
Avoid the temptation...don't listen to those voices.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Lilly,
Joke: How can you tell two alcoholics are dating?
There's a moving van in one of their driveways!
I'm an alcoholic and I've done what your husband is doing. We go from relationship to relationship, without even thinking. It doesn't mean anything about you, you know that right? It doesn't even matter who the next person is, what they look like, what they do for living, whether or not they even HAVE a job! Or teeth!
You are getting yourself upset and making yourself feel bad about yourself, over an ILLNESS, a DISEASE, and the sick things people with this disease do. What this man is doing is disgusting. The way he treats other people is sick. Well, he is not going to magically change and turn into some really responsible and great spouse just because you're no longer together. It had nothing to do with you.
Don't do this to yourself, please. Focus on your future, what you like and don't like. You can do this. I think you should stop going to FaceBook. Unsubscribe from it please. It's easily-accessible for a reason, you know. It's the same as drugs and alcohol, obsession and immediate gratification.
And are you going to Al-Anon?
Joke: How can you tell two alcoholics are dating?
There's a moving van in one of their driveways!
I'm an alcoholic and I've done what your husband is doing. We go from relationship to relationship, without even thinking. It doesn't mean anything about you, you know that right? It doesn't even matter who the next person is, what they look like, what they do for living, whether or not they even HAVE a job! Or teeth!
You are getting yourself upset and making yourself feel bad about yourself, over an ILLNESS, a DISEASE, and the sick things people with this disease do. What this man is doing is disgusting. The way he treats other people is sick. Well, he is not going to magically change and turn into some really responsible and great spouse just because you're no longer together. It had nothing to do with you.
Don't do this to yourself, please. Focus on your future, what you like and don't like. You can do this. I think you should stop going to FaceBook. Unsubscribe from it please. It's easily-accessible for a reason, you know. It's the same as drugs and alcohol, obsession and immediate gratification.
And are you going to Al-Anon?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
No contact... it is better not knowing what they are up to.
Believe me I know many things from sharing neighborhood and job and contacts with an xabf. It is ALL about alcohol. The new bar. Who got the most drunk yesterday. I just have one example of an alcoholic but I have seen how he changed ALL his friendships and contacts to drunkards and people who find him funny when he drinks. It is like he is wearing a sign saying "Only enablers allowed".
I hope you learned from this pain enough not to peek again. No contact via Facebook, phone, common friends, NO CONTACT to the extremes has been the only way to move forward for me- without any more triggers and ideas, I already got enough of them!
Just as he did not change anything for you he won't change anything for this one or any other unfortunate soul that is buying his lies for now. Remember they have to act nice to attract enablers. That is all there is. Addiction and enabling. A very familiar and sad dance.
You know better than this carefully ensembled (sp?) show. You more than anyone knows how it is like to be a partner of an alcoholic. Would you wish that to a friend, daughter or sister?
You posted this on 5/18:
his behaviour towards me and everyone became very arrogant, very rude,
Nothing has changed. The fact you are not there when he is arrogant and rude does not mean he is not all those things or worse...
Try to have faith that God/HP saved you from an arrogant alcoholic in denial. Because that is who he is. When I run into ex I think "active alcoholic in denial, with agressive, abusive tendencies". No longer "the love of my life poor victim of a disease". Nope.
When she no longer serves a purpose in his life she will be dumped. And perhaps in some years we will be welcoming her in this forum...
Addicts use people like napkins. It is "expected behavior".
No contact... :ghug3
Believe me I know many things from sharing neighborhood and job and contacts with an xabf. It is ALL about alcohol. The new bar. Who got the most drunk yesterday. I just have one example of an alcoholic but I have seen how he changed ALL his friendships and contacts to drunkards and people who find him funny when he drinks. It is like he is wearing a sign saying "Only enablers allowed".
I hope you learned from this pain enough not to peek again. No contact via Facebook, phone, common friends, NO CONTACT to the extremes has been the only way to move forward for me- without any more triggers and ideas, I already got enough of them!
Just as he did not change anything for you he won't change anything for this one or any other unfortunate soul that is buying his lies for now. Remember they have to act nice to attract enablers. That is all there is. Addiction and enabling. A very familiar and sad dance.
You know better than this carefully ensembled (sp?) show. You more than anyone knows how it is like to be a partner of an alcoholic. Would you wish that to a friend, daughter or sister?
You posted this on 5/18:
his behaviour towards me and everyone became very arrogant, very rude,
Nothing has changed. The fact you are not there when he is arrogant and rude does not mean he is not all those things or worse...
Try to have faith that God/HP saved you from an arrogant alcoholic in denial. Because that is who he is. When I run into ex I think "active alcoholic in denial, with agressive, abusive tendencies". No longer "the love of my life poor victim of a disease". Nope.
When she no longer serves a purpose in his life she will be dumped. And perhaps in some years we will be welcoming her in this forum...
Addicts use people like napkins. It is "expected behavior".
No contact... :ghug3
One Foot in Front of the Other
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Lilly:
I've been there. Earlier this spring I went looking for an ex-GF, only to find her facebook page and discover she is married and just had a baby. Should any of this matter to me? Hell, no...and I know it!
Nevertheless, I started to feel sorry for myself, remembering that it took me years to get over that relationship and trust my life to someone again.
The breakup was probably 95% my fault, and several years back, a therapist encouraged me to write her a letter expressing my regret, and if she didn't respond, to leave it at that. Well, she never responded, but I just couldn't leave it alone.
BTW, the person I trust my life to now ended up being my wife, and we were together for almost 7 years before the wedding last year. It's not that I'm unhappy in my marriage - not at all - just so filled with regret over treating someone in my past shabbily, and then the inevitable sting that comes when you learn they moved on without you.
I have no doubt my actions contributed to my anxiety, and therefore, my drinking...one of many contributing factors, I guess!
I need to make peace with the situation, resolve that I will try to explain my past actions if (and only if) I should ever be presented with the opportunity, and just let it go. Some doors aren't meant to be opened.
Sorry you're down today. Stay well!
I've been there. Earlier this spring I went looking for an ex-GF, only to find her facebook page and discover she is married and just had a baby. Should any of this matter to me? Hell, no...and I know it!
Nevertheless, I started to feel sorry for myself, remembering that it took me years to get over that relationship and trust my life to someone again.
The breakup was probably 95% my fault, and several years back, a therapist encouraged me to write her a letter expressing my regret, and if she didn't respond, to leave it at that. Well, she never responded, but I just couldn't leave it alone.
BTW, the person I trust my life to now ended up being my wife, and we were together for almost 7 years before the wedding last year. It's not that I'm unhappy in my marriage - not at all - just so filled with regret over treating someone in my past shabbily, and then the inevitable sting that comes when you learn they moved on without you.
I have no doubt my actions contributed to my anxiety, and therefore, my drinking...one of many contributing factors, I guess!
I need to make peace with the situation, resolve that I will try to explain my past actions if (and only if) I should ever be presented with the opportunity, and just let it go. Some doors aren't meant to be opened.
Sorry you're down today. Stay well!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
Thank you so much for all your posts, every word is so very helpful to me, I think Ive said it before, but it seems my heart wont catch up with my head...I know he cant have changed and where he is now means he doesnt have to take responsibility for anything, its a fantasy island and a fantasy life he is living. I do try so hard to know the things you are saying and it helps reinforce it...I keep reading each one and gather strength. Thank you again especially for taking the time to see where I am coming from and what I have said before...I forget myself how it really was. NO MORE PEEKING FOR ME NOW THOUGH. Enough pain already.....Lilly xx
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Lilly-
I had to learn to stop comparing my insides with other people's outsides.
I mean- while you were in your lousy chaotic relationship were you posting photos of you guys fighting? Of AH passed out in his own urine? Of yourself crying and raging while you stare out the window wondering how you got in and how you're going to get out of this mess??
No!
There are photos of you guys at So-and-So's wedding smiling and dancing, photos from the Grand Canyon on vacation, photos of your new kitten curled up napping with Ah...etc!
So if anyone snooped in on your FB or wherever you went snooping, and they saw these photos they would say- wow look at Lilly and her AH, they are havin' a great time!
But what do you know?? It's all an illusion! What was really going on during the time periods of those photos?? All hell was breaking loose.
So yesterday you look at the sunny beach and hand holding photos and you compare it to your sadness, resentment, whatever is still on your mind since your divorce and you make yourself sick with that comparison! Outside to Inside. Always an unfair comparison.
And anyhooooooo who cares what he's up to? He was a PROBLEM in your life that you have done really well to extricate! Let him go.
What have you been up to lately that's good for you?
You know the acronym HALT?
Don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. These are 4 common things that trigger our worst habits of mind.
Take care--
peace-
b
I had to learn to stop comparing my insides with other people's outsides.
I mean- while you were in your lousy chaotic relationship were you posting photos of you guys fighting? Of AH passed out in his own urine? Of yourself crying and raging while you stare out the window wondering how you got in and how you're going to get out of this mess??
No!
There are photos of you guys at So-and-So's wedding smiling and dancing, photos from the Grand Canyon on vacation, photos of your new kitten curled up napping with Ah...etc!
So if anyone snooped in on your FB or wherever you went snooping, and they saw these photos they would say- wow look at Lilly and her AH, they are havin' a great time!
But what do you know?? It's all an illusion! What was really going on during the time periods of those photos?? All hell was breaking loose.
So yesterday you look at the sunny beach and hand holding photos and you compare it to your sadness, resentment, whatever is still on your mind since your divorce and you make yourself sick with that comparison! Outside to Inside. Always an unfair comparison.
And anyhooooooo who cares what he's up to? He was a PROBLEM in your life that you have done really well to extricate! Let him go.
What have you been up to lately that's good for you?
You know the acronym HALT?
Don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. These are 4 common things that trigger our worst habits of mind.
Take care--
peace-
b
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