Alcoholic Fiancee now on dating website

Old 09-15-2009, 07:04 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Everytime I post here and I see my own words, I realize that I am not a healthy person

LOL! Me too (especially reading older posts!)

Yesterday I was ok and today I am a mess. The first days and weeks and months are the worst. The first year of any loss is the worst.

September is such a huge trigger for me. The same furniture expo, last year I was crying right in the middle of this huge space, with strangers staring and me and ex telling his friend we were splitting... it was horrible. September rain... the end of September, his birthday and of course I was there telling all his friends, organizing them to celebrate him, buying him pizza and candy and Simpsons boxers. What an idiot. I just want this month to end.

Then come the end of the year celebrations, and I become more depressed and bitter knowing that yup, he's had the time of his life ALL this time and is having it again this year while I've been miserable!!!!!!! and I wish I had my own substance not to feel anything or give a damn anymore... it looks so damn easy for them...... and its mourning all over again............

But one thing is sure... I AM NOT GOING BACK... so whatever I feel is ok AS LONG AS I DONT GO BACK...

harley it sucks seeing them often.... one year and there are so many more feelings to process...but thanks to therapy I know I miss him as a friend, not as a boyfriend, and its true, I miss the friend that I had in this city.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings and rants too

Back to my "improved, wannabe non codie" self... thanks.
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Old 09-15-2009, 11:44 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
September is such a huge trigger for me. The same furniture expo, last year I was crying right in the middle of this huge space, with strangers staring and me and ex telling his friend we were splitting... it was horrible. September rain... the end of September, his birthday and of course I was there telling all his friends, organizing them to celebrate him, buying him pizza and candy and Simpsons boxers. What an idiot. I just want this month to end.

Then come the end of the year celebrations, and I become more depressed and bitter knowing that yup, he's had the time of his life ALL this time and is having it again this year while I've been miserable!!!!!!! and I wish I had my own substance not to feel anything or give a damn anymore... it looks so damn easy for them...... and its mourning all over again............
Not to hijack this thread but TC, there were some posts a while back about reclaiming certain times of the year. I can't find the thread right now but I think it was either about Thanksgiving or the holiday season. Reclaim September for YOU! Make it your month. Its the start of autumn here. The leaves are starting to change into some amazing colours, nights are drawing in etc. STBXAH's birthday is this month too. Know what, I may well celebrate by doing something I love and he loathed! Make it memorable for you! Overwrite the horrible memories with something special.
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Old 09-17-2009, 11:51 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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I've read every one of the posts on this thread and I can echo some of the sentiments of posters responding to Bohn05. I dated a guy who was an alcoholic for almost 2 yrs. I did love him and I know he loved me. However, with an addiction, "love just isn't enough" is what I kept replaying in my mind. When I first started seeing him, I didn't realize how bad his drinking was. I'm a tee-totaler but I don't care if someone has a beer or two as long as they quit and don't get drunk. My guy was pretty depressed when we started seeing each other & while I had never dated an alcoholic, I did know a thing or two about depression. I felt so bad for the guy because he had had some tough situations in life to get over. But, then who hasn't really? His drinking episodes in the beginning were sad, crying jags that made me feel horrible. At one point, I thought he might even commit suicide. I called his ex-wife (he did not drink like that when they were married years ago) because I did not know who else to call, and between the two of us, he did go to a detox center for a few days, but that was not long enough to change his addictive patterns and he was far from over his depression at that point. He was back to drinking within a week. Then as time went on, his sadness changed to anger and he kept picking arguments with me over nothing. I have never seen such rage in a guy in all my life. I was not afraid of him physically harming me, but I began to see the emotional toll his behavior was taking on me. He also had a daughter who loved him and he had custody of her part of the time, but he started being hateful to her just like he did to me. His ex-wife started getting angry with him because he refused to clean up his act in order to not upset the daughter. Last Nov. I finally had enough of his addiction and his inability to want to get sober & stay sober. In the 6 months that followed, he called a couple times but I was slowly getting on with my life. I continued to feel bad for the daughter who was constantly thrown back to this man when she should have been kept away from him. Then in May of this year, he had another argument with the ex-wife over his drinking & the daughter being treated badly. Ex-wife told him she was keeping the daughter away this time. He came to me and said he was done drinking. We talked almost daily on the phone but were not back together by any means because I had zero trust at that point. Long story short, he stayed sober for about 10 days. He talked about going to AA during that time but never went. I have been in Al-Anon over a year now. He started back on the booze when he got angry with the neighbors who are also a bunch of drunks. After all the apologies, the promises, the manipulations, I finally decided I could not risk involvement with him further. I no longer answer my phone at night and I am trying to rebuild my life. I do get lonely but I don't miss the instability, the irresponsible behavior or the selfishness that comes with a drunk's lifestyle. I've learned a lot in Al-Anon but more than anything, I have learned that valuing yourself sometimes means making some hard choices - choices that the drunk refuses to make because a mature, stand-up kind of guy would see (in his sober moments) what all he is losing or stands to lose if he doesn't get help for his addiction. I felt like 2 years of trying to "help" this guy was enough. And believe me, I know what it's like to wish things were different. I loved him like no one else and I'm sure he can say the same thing about me, BUT he loves booze more than he loves me, he loves it more than he loves his daughter. At some point, the drunk will have consequences. The son in the original post talks about karma and I believe that eventually that does kick in but it is sometimes too late to salvage any relationships from the past because addiction cuts so deeply into the self-esteem and well-being of the people around the drunk. The drunk can't see it until they have nothing left.
I will add one more bit of advice for anyone in a dating relationship. If the guy lives with his Mom (alcoholic or not) you DO NOT want him. I also dated a guy once who refused to leave the family nest. He wasn't a drinker but he was immature and selfish. I stayed with him longer than I care to admit. Secondly, if a guy starts asking you to pay for things that HE should be paying for, that is an indicator that he is NOT the one.
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Old 09-17-2009, 04:03 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Hello Bohn:

Your son is right! Funny how young ones can be so wired into the facts, unvarnished by emotion. What goes around, comes around. Eventually, his irresponsible lifestyle and cavalier attitude will blow up on him. Be patient. The irony here is that by the time consequences finally catch up to him (including the well deserved DUI), you will (hopefully) have moved on, put this guy in your past, and couldn't care less.

Ask yourself this simple question: Do I envy him?

I'll bet not. Why would anyone envy an alcoholic, regardless of their (apparent) happy circumstances? It's all baloney, anyway.

Electa

Ask yourself about your ex ABF:
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:20 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25 View Post
He is not only a selfish, immature, jerk. He is a freeloading, self centred, controlling, selfish immature, and low life jerk. I have other names for him, but they aren't allowed on here, and little old ladies like me aren't supposed to know them.

Note to self: Never, never get on jadmack's bad side

Bohn, hang in there and protect yourself.....from yourself.
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Old 09-18-2009, 08:15 AM
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When I was suffering depression and feeling as lonely and miserable as it was possible to be, I also thought my ABF was quite happy and content in his life, cause that it how he acted.
He was sober, the horses he backed won for him, he bought new clothes, a new TV, and could easily laugh and joke with friends.

I felt like he had confessed his lies and cheating to me and was totally absolved from any feelings of guilt or remorse, whilst I carried the burden of it in my heart and mind. He even told me that he needed a break from seeing me, because I "had lost my sense of humour, was no fun anymore and my not eating upset him".

It was only last year, 4 years after that terrible time occurred that he told me he had never before felt so miserable, and was loaded down with disgust and guilt at what he had done to me.

The feelings of worthlessness, of being ugly, unwanted and unloved were with me day after day, and night was no blessed relief either. Bed was a place I lay, scared to sleep because I would have horrid dreams, over and over again, of events that replayed in my mind. The only good I got from it was losing weight, but I also nearly lost my mind and actually contemplated suicide.

We had a 6 month break, and tho he has been sober for most of the past 5 years, he has had a few relapses, the last being November when I went NC after telling him I was no longer his enabler or nurse. He went for help and is still in recovery, and so am I.

It was reading on this site, that gave me the tools and strength to place MY needs first, for once, set MY boundaries and let him know what they are. For this I am so very grateful to those who tell their stories so honestly, and show others the way.

God bless
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Old 09-18-2009, 08:18 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Jad, that was so awesome and heartfelt. I didn't know your story before. Thank you for telling it
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