Well I fell for it again--you predicted it
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Well I fell for it again--you predicted it
I really am an idiot. I knew this drinking binge wasn't his bottom, but I still had hope that maybe he was close. I actually wrote down--look at his actions not his words.
Words=I won't drink again (there's more of course but what's the point?)
Actions= YES biked to an AA meeting (after looking at crt papers)
YES walked to church (after my father suggested it to him)
YES drank beer in front of my daughter when my back was turned
NO did not call his sponsor
NO did not call the church people (they called him).
So I am an idiot. I thought my Al Anon meetings and books were helping me, but I still fell for it.
Even worse, everything, minus the hitting me part, you all have predicted has come true. It was said he will drink our money away---I thought I had control over it I made it so he couldn't destroy us. This morning I found 2 checks missing. (They can't be for large amounts since there isn't much money, but still I didn't think he would go find checks).
Never in a million years would I have thought he would have hit someone and he did.
Never would I think he would drink for 4 or 5 days straight massive amounts of beer and hold up in a house.
I am seeing reality now as much as it hurts me to see it. I don't see a way out of this other than divorce. Can I successfully detach in a situation like this? I don't know.
Words=I won't drink again (there's more of course but what's the point?)
Actions= YES biked to an AA meeting (after looking at crt papers)
YES walked to church (after my father suggested it to him)
YES drank beer in front of my daughter when my back was turned
NO did not call his sponsor
NO did not call the church people (they called him).
So I am an idiot. I thought my Al Anon meetings and books were helping me, but I still fell for it.
Even worse, everything, minus the hitting me part, you all have predicted has come true. It was said he will drink our money away---I thought I had control over it I made it so he couldn't destroy us. This morning I found 2 checks missing. (They can't be for large amounts since there isn't much money, but still I didn't think he would go find checks).
Never in a million years would I have thought he would have hit someone and he did.
Never would I think he would drink for 4 or 5 days straight massive amounts of beer and hold up in a house.
I am seeing reality now as much as it hurts me to see it. I don't see a way out of this other than divorce. Can I successfully detach in a situation like this? I don't know.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
You CAN successfully detach. Will it be enough?? It wasn't for me.
I had complete control over the finances including his allowance. I had employment, hobbies, control over the animals' care, slept in a separate room, let him come and go and deal with his own consequences, and still it wasn't enough for me.
Despite detaching...despite living for me....despite working a program...I was living with a fast moving current flowing against me. The amount of effort required to maintain an upright existence against this current was undeniably too much.
Life is hard enough to stay on your feet sometimes and damn near impossible with someone dreaming up various ways to push you back down. His life didn't function without me beneath him holding him up and my life could never function unless I stood up and walked away from him.
I thank my HP every day that the latter of that equation won out.
Your head is swimming right now with questions, this is part of the process, work these thoughts through...journal, pray, post...keep going...don't stop...you are getting there day by day...Have faith!
Alice
I had complete control over the finances including his allowance. I had employment, hobbies, control over the animals' care, slept in a separate room, let him come and go and deal with his own consequences, and still it wasn't enough for me.
Despite detaching...despite living for me....despite working a program...I was living with a fast moving current flowing against me. The amount of effort required to maintain an upright existence against this current was undeniably too much.
Life is hard enough to stay on your feet sometimes and damn near impossible with someone dreaming up various ways to push you back down. His life didn't function without me beneath him holding him up and my life could never function unless I stood up and walked away from him.
I thank my HP every day that the latter of that equation won out.
Your head is swimming right now with questions, this is part of the process, work these thoughts through...journal, pray, post...keep going...don't stop...you are getting there day by day...Have faith!
Alice
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
I will keep journaling. I will keep writing down quotes from One Day At A Time.
Why doesn't he just mind his fing business when he is drunk? Why does he have to call everyone? Why does he have to go to my neighbors' house?
The whole world knows. I didn't tell anyone but my parents. Everyone knows he is an acloholic, but now I get calls (which I'm not returning) about AH. Everyone knows MY business.
Why does he do this? It is so embarassing. That is hard on me.
Why doesn't he just mind his fing business when he is drunk? Why does he have to call everyone? Why does he have to go to my neighbors' house?
The whole world knows. I didn't tell anyone but my parents. Everyone knows he is an acloholic, but now I get calls (which I'm not returning) about AH. Everyone knows MY business.
Why does he do this? It is so embarassing. That is hard on me.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
You might want to ask yourself why you are embarrassed. Why do HIS problems embarrass YOU? For me, it took a wise therapist to help me disentangle myself from his issues. It is not healthy to be so enmeshed in another person, even if you are married to them....
L
L
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
I understand you pain. My exabf used to call the world when drunk and tell EVERYONE every detail about us and he made up quite a bit too. Don't know why they do it. I had the same experience. I felt humilated, but now with distance I feel less so. He has a problem and YOU cannot control it, NO MATTER WHAT.
What can you do for you today?
I understand you pain. My exabf used to call the world when drunk and tell EVERYONE every detail about us and he made up quite a bit too. Don't know why they do it. I had the same experience. I felt humilated, but now with distance I feel less so. He has a problem and YOU cannot control it, NO MATTER WHAT.
What can you do for you today?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by whyamistaying 
Why doesn't he just mind his fing business when he is drunk? Why does he have to call everyone? Why does he have to go to my neighbors' house?
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
The whole world knows. I didn't tell anyone but my parents. Everyone knows he is an acloholic, but now I get calls (which I'm not returning) about AH. Everyone knows MY business.
Why does he do this? It is so embarassing. That is hard on me.
Why does he do this? It is so embarassing. That is hard on me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It's an ugly, messy business dealing with alcoholism.
His dirty laundry is being laid to bear, crap is being said about you, he's a drunken fool and drawing all kinds of attention to himself and therefore to you...it's embarrassing at first, but that feeling will pass. Anyone and everyone who has dealt with an active alcoholic or drug addicted loved one has been through this. There are more people than not, I'm sure who can relate to what you're going through. Stop acting like this is all about you. His problems are his problems. You've done what you can for him. You think the spotlight is on you, but it is not. Step out of that spotlight you've been hogging from him and start distancing yourself emotionally from his drama. You are not the one with the problem.
His dirty laundry is being laid to bear, crap is being said about you, he's a drunken fool and drawing all kinds of attention to himself and therefore to you...it's embarrassing at first, but that feeling will pass. Anyone and everyone who has dealt with an active alcoholic or drug addicted loved one has been through this. There are more people than not, I'm sure who can relate to what you're going through. Stop acting like this is all about you. His problems are his problems. You've done what you can for him. You think the spotlight is on you, but it is not. Step out of that spotlight you've been hogging from him and start distancing yourself emotionally from his drama. You are not the one with the problem.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Addict 43 days into "recovery" here. Still sorting out my propensity to lie while using. I think it basically boils down to two things. First, anyone can pull off a deception on anyone else if they really want to. Second, addicts do it because we are self delusional. We really believe the promises to quit and reform our ways when we say them. As best I can figure out don't even listen to the words of your addict for a while. Focus on paying attention to the actions (what he/she actually does). Most take at least several sincere attempts before actually succeeding for any real length of time. Just do you best not to enable.... Say that you don't know whether or not you should believe said addict because of past experiences and that you would like to SEE concrete action. The addicted mind seeks to maintain a very rigid belief system of rationalizations in order to continue using. They need to be broken down by the addict; friends and family can help.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
whyamistaying,
he hit someone else? do you realize you may be next?
no one knows his bottom, if he even has one, but what is your bottom?? what has to happen for you to be done?
you read exactly like other posters // i recall an instance where a glass was thrown to the poster's face, and another one where the poster was thrown around down the stairs.
violence always escalates. ALWAYS. please, please find somewhere safe to stay, i am very worried about you.
HUGS
he hit someone else? do you realize you may be next?
no one knows his bottom, if he even has one, but what is your bottom?? what has to happen for you to be done?
you read exactly like other posters // i recall an instance where a glass was thrown to the poster's face, and another one where the poster was thrown around down the stairs.
violence always escalates. ALWAYS. please, please find somewhere safe to stay, i am very worried about you.
HUGS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
Thank you everyone. I'm going to see if I can get my parents to watch the kids so I can go to a meeting today after work.
I'm embarassed because I have to see my neighbors everyday and it is embarassing to get a call that he was walking around the neighborhood from the store and back with a duffelbag (full of beer) and knocking on their door at 7:30 a.m.
He didn't hit me. He never came home Thurs and that night go into a fight with someone. Honestly, my AH would never had hit anyone before. Never.
Thanks everyone for chiming in. Maybe when I get reports about my AH I should just say "oh". I said "sorry" to the neighbor that called me. I have yet to hear from the other neighbor that he went to for 2 hours talking to. (sigh).
I'm embarassed because I have to see my neighbors everyday and it is embarassing to get a call that he was walking around the neighborhood from the store and back with a duffelbag (full of beer) and knocking on their door at 7:30 a.m.
He didn't hit me. He never came home Thurs and that night go into a fight with someone. Honestly, my AH would never had hit anyone before. Never.
Thanks everyone for chiming in. Maybe when I get reports about my AH I should just say "oh". I said "sorry" to the neighbor that called me. I have yet to hear from the other neighbor that he went to for 2 hours talking to. (sigh).
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
Why doesn't he just mind his fing business when he is drunk? Why does he have to call everyone? Why does he have to go to my neighbors' house?
The whole world knows. I didn't tell anyone but my parents. Everyone knows he is an acloholic, but now I get calls (which I'm not returning) about AH. Everyone knows MY business.
Why does he do this? It is so embarassing. That is hard on me.
The whole world knows. I didn't tell anyone but my parents. Everyone knows he is an acloholic, but now I get calls (which I'm not returning) about AH. Everyone knows MY business.
Why does he do this? It is so embarassing. That is hard on me.
It was a rude awakening for me when, in talking and starting to admit that my dad was an alcoholic, that my neighbour already knew. She had always known. She wasn't anywhere near in denial like I was.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
You might want to ask yourself why you are embarrassed. Why do HIS problems embarrass YOU?
The three C's are a mixed blessing. Realizing that I could not control his behavior also means that I am not responsible for his behavior. Which means his drunken tomfoolery with the neighbours was his business with them. It didn't have to become mine as well.
You're probably overwhelmed right now, but if you get a chance, talk to some of these people. You may find that they're much happier to see you taking responsibility for your own actions than they are to pin your A's behavior as a reflection of you. You may even find that some were scared to mention something to you before and didn't want to stick their nose where it didn't belong. ((((((((((((((whyamistaying))))))))))))) Keep doing what you're doing, and soon enough his business won't automatically be your business. You deserve to have your own chance to define what whyamistaying's business is all about.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Honestly, my AH would never had hit anyone before. Never.
Well he just did. What are you going to do about it? You are with a batterer and a drinker. I am just stating the facts. What do you expect to happen? What advice would you give a friend or a daughter in this situation?
I hope you can get to the meeting!
Well he just did. What are you going to do about it? You are with a batterer and a drinker. I am just stating the facts. What do you expect to happen? What advice would you give a friend or a daughter in this situation?
I hope you can get to the meeting!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
I'm embarassed because I have to see my neighbors everyday and it is embarassing to get a call that he was walking around the neighborhood from the store and back with a duffelbag (full of beer) and knocking on their door at 7:30 a.m.
I'm being ridiculous because I want you to see how HIS behavior belongs to HIM, not YOU. I seriously doubt any of your neighbors blame you for what he does. If anything, they might pity you for living with him.
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
He didn't hit me. He never came home Thurs and that night go into a fight with someone. Honestly, my AH would never had hit anyone before. Never.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
If a neighbor's spouse came to my door drunk I would deal with the drunk. I would not think anything negative about the neighbor other than wondering how he/she was doing.
Maybe your neighbors are just waiting for the chance to support YOU.
Maybe your neighbors are just waiting for the chance to support YOU.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I tried saying that, and my xabf said I was "obsessed with the past"...tried to make me feel guilty for even bringing it up. Nothing I said was right to him.
Originally Posted by ElegantlyWasted
Say that you don't know whether or not you should believe said addict because of past experiences and that you would like to SEE concrete action. The addicted mind seeks to maintain a very rigid belief system of rationalizations in order to continue using. They need to be broken down by the addict; friends and family can help.
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
Life is hard enough to stay on your feet sometimes and damn near impossible with someone dreaming up various ways to push you back down.
Also read here - It's hard to swim with a 200 Lb weight tied to you.
Also read here - It's hard to swim with a 200 Lb weight tied to you.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
I need to learn to detach better. It is Thurs again and AH still not home. I called him and he is drunk...can't even remember what he told me. It is so frustrating.
I suspect he spent his money and can't take the train back and is stuck out there. I will not pick him up.
This morning he called me and said he fell off his bike again and has 2 flat tires. That he wants to drive again and is sick of this. All keys are locked up.
But why do I care? What is new? Nothing. Why isn't this the end? This is getting worse and worse. Every day he has consequences of his drinking. I am not driving him to work, I am not paying back the $100 he borrowed, I am not picking him up tonight...but why isn't this getting better? I am so frustrated.
I suspect he spent his money and can't take the train back and is stuck out there. I will not pick him up.
This morning he called me and said he fell off his bike again and has 2 flat tires. That he wants to drive again and is sick of this. All keys are locked up.
But why do I care? What is new? Nothing. Why isn't this the end? This is getting worse and worse. Every day he has consequences of his drinking. I am not driving him to work, I am not paying back the $100 he borrowed, I am not picking him up tonight...but why isn't this getting better? I am so frustrated.
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