LaTeeDa

You are still allowing him to manipulate you. You won't give him money for beer, so he goes to the neighbor. The neighbor gives him the money and in your shame and embarrassment, you pay the neighbor back. Thus, you just gave him money for beer!

As far as the disease vs. choice issue, it has been debated to death here and elsewhere. Bottom line is it doesn't really matter. What matters is YOU. Your life is miserable. What can YOU do to change it?

L

Hopeful Still

It'smeAlice is absolutely right ... It's a process, and it requires working through your own thoughts until you come out on the other side of the nightmare.

Like so many others, I have been where you are, whyamistaying. I have just come out on the other side recently. My AH and I separated two years ago, and we were days away from the divorce being final. I feel very stupid for having done so (even thought I know I shouldn't), but I went back after many promises of a better life and after seeing how "great" he was doing (which was, of course, a complete and utter charade). My kids are two years older than they were the first time we almost divorced, I am two years older, the heartache and drama is two years older. And I've had enough. My kids and I are moving into an apartment in a couple of days, and I have an attorney and am filing for divorce ... and this time won't back out. I deserve better than this, and so do my children.

Working out the thoughts and feelings you have through this process of dealing with addiction is so slow and painful, you feel like things will never get better. But they CAN get better. You mentioned "hoping" in your first post in this thread. As you can see by my screen name, hoping is something I have been doing as well. I was "hopeful still" that he would stop using pain killers. I was "hopeful still" that he would stop drinking so much. I was "hopeful still" that he would stop lying about money and where he has been and what he was doing. Now, I am "hopeful still" that my life can be better and more peaceful than it has been for the last several years. For the first time in a long time, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. My mom has heard me laugh (and mean it!) for the first time in a long time. I am smiling on the inside as well as the outside for the first time in a long time. And it feels good.

Don't get me wrong ... I have many challenges ahead of me. But I feel today that I am in control of my life ... NOT my AH and not the disease of alcoholism. I am letting God drive for a change...I haven't been doing a very good job by myself, and I am certain that handing things over to him will have a much better outcome than if I try to control things all by myself. It hasn't been working so well for me that way, and I am "hopeful still" that things will only get better from here.

You can do it, whyamistaying. You can come out on the other side of this disease and make the decision that is right for you. Like It'smeAlice says, you just have to work through the feelings and work through the process. Stand up for what you deserve ... the BEST!

Hugs,
Becky

Jadmack25

If you DON'T pay the neighbours back, and he can't or won't pay them back....
THEY WON'T DRIVE HIM OR PAY FOR ANYMORE BEER FOR HIM IN FUTURE.

But does it really matter what he does to get his hands on a beer?

It isn't what he does, it is how YOU feel about what he does that is important, and you are not a happy person because of how your life is with him. His priority is getting beer, getting mad, and getting drunk, and to hell with marriage and parental responsibilities.

Have a look at your past posts, every step you have taken to stop him drinking, get to work etc, without you actively enabling him, has been fought over by him. Some of your moves have been nullified by him, eg the neighbour paying for beer.

You are involved in a totally insane dance, with a partner making up the steps as he goes, and you are tripping over your own feet trying to keep up with him.

Get off the dance floor, let him spin around by himself, til he finally falls.

While you are still with him, you are still enabling him.

He has someone to blame, someone to bounce his addled thoughts off, someone who cares for him, he still has the family, he is comfortable with you there.

If you leave him, he loses his necessary someone, and that may hurt enough eventually to get thru to him, to really desire and seek recovery for himself.
It may not do that. He may be like my XAH, and drink himself into a nursing home.

Either way, it is not your choice.
Your choice is firstly: for your benefit, to be healthy and happy for your kids.
Secondly: To protect and nurture them in a safe, happy and healthy place.

So far your choice has been to keep on dancing with AH, and hoping for a magic ending to his drinking and behavior.

That only happens in fairy tales, because there are no fairy Godmothers in real life, to wave a magic wand and heal our loved ones from addictions.

I have you in my prayers.

God bless

bookwyrm

(((whyamistaying)))

I've been in that depressed fog for far longer than I would like to remember. It seems that recovery, for me, is a series of slogans that helps me keep on going. At that point I came accross 'nothing changes if nothing changes' on this forum and it really stuck with me. When things got so hard I would chant this over and over in my mind and it gave me the motivation to take yet another baby step towards a happier me. You too can find it in you to take the next baby step!