Remind me that addict don't change...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by Electa 
Hello BS08:
Hang in there! I can see from the list you wrote that you are capable of dealing with this situation rationally enough that you can enumerate the negative things about this guy. If these things are true (and I believe that you are being brutally candid here) then take it from me, who is detached viewer, that you've described the boyfriend from Hell. The fact that you miss him doesn't mean you are stupid or crazy, it just means that you connected with him in some way and have not been able to sever that connection.
Have you read the "hooks which keep us in boundary-less relationships". One of the hooks I suspect you are on is the inability to distinguish love from pity. If you haven't read and pondered this hook and how it pertains to you, I suggest you do this.
Don't fall for the illusion he is putting out that life is just ducky. What comes through to me in the description you've given about this guy is that he (like addicts in general) is clearly living in a fantasy world of his creation. In fact, you gave a good clue to this fantasy when you said he claims his massive debt is "part of the fun of not growing up!"
Hmm....think about that statement! Do you really want to be in a relationship with an adult child? One who not only acts like a child, but actually boasts about it?
And the girlfriend. She is a patsy, and doesn't deserve your envy, but your pity. She obviously has not heard the old saw about boyfriends who've cheated on their former girlfriends. What she has is a guy who cheats, period. In time, she'll learn that a guy who cheated with the girlfriend (you) he had before HER, will in time cheat on HER (if he hasn't done so already).
I don't mean to belittle you. I have been exactly where you have been and suffered the feelings you are dealing with, so I'm sympathetic and empathetic. Envy is a terrible ***** in our armor, so when you find yourself envying this guy (or his new girlfriend) sit down and develop a second list. List all those reasons why you envy him. What might those reasons be?
He's happy and your not? Would YOU be happy if YOU had his drinking problems? I suspect not.
He has a new girlfriend, and it's not you. Let's face it, scoundrels like this guy have no trouble getting new women in their lives. Women get sucked into relationships with users like him like nobody's business. You have to remind yourself that there ARE good guys out there, and if you keep yourself open to developing a relationship with a healthy person, it will happen. Don't settle for someone like him. You deserve better.
If you can't avoid feeling envy for this loser when you hear about him, then do whatever it takes to avoid receiving information about him. Don't let friends tell you about him (I'd question if these are really your friends).
I'm glad you are able to recognize some of the good things going on in your life, that have nothing to do with your X. You need to continue your focus on what is good for your life, on moving your life forward, and leaving this guy in your past. The time will come, believe me, when you are over him and this relationship. You may always have some feelings for him, but you'll be able to focus on the good times you had with the guy and will have gratitude that he is not in your life.
By the way, I'm over 60 years old, and I have lost count of the number of boyfriends I went through in my wild and crazy youth. I finally met the right guy (in my mid-thirties), married him and have been in love for the past 30 years.
Just remember you have to kiss a few frogs (maybe many) before you find your prince.
Electa
Hang in there! I can see from the list you wrote that you are capable of dealing with this situation rationally enough that you can enumerate the negative things about this guy. If these things are true (and I believe that you are being brutally candid here) then take it from me, who is detached viewer, that you've described the boyfriend from Hell. The fact that you miss him doesn't mean you are stupid or crazy, it just means that you connected with him in some way and have not been able to sever that connection.
Have you read the "hooks which keep us in boundary-less relationships". One of the hooks I suspect you are on is the inability to distinguish love from pity. If you haven't read and pondered this hook and how it pertains to you, I suggest you do this.
Don't fall for the illusion he is putting out that life is just ducky. What comes through to me in the description you've given about this guy is that he (like addicts in general) is clearly living in a fantasy world of his creation. In fact, you gave a good clue to this fantasy when you said he claims his massive debt is "part of the fun of not growing up!"
Hmm....think about that statement! Do you really want to be in a relationship with an adult child? One who not only acts like a child, but actually boasts about it?
And the girlfriend. She is a patsy, and doesn't deserve your envy, but your pity. She obviously has not heard the old saw about boyfriends who've cheated on their former girlfriends. What she has is a guy who cheats, period. In time, she'll learn that a guy who cheated with the girlfriend (you) he had before HER, will in time cheat on HER (if he hasn't done so already).
I don't mean to belittle you. I have been exactly where you have been and suffered the feelings you are dealing with, so I'm sympathetic and empathetic. Envy is a terrible ***** in our armor, so when you find yourself envying this guy (or his new girlfriend) sit down and develop a second list. List all those reasons why you envy him. What might those reasons be?
He's happy and your not? Would YOU be happy if YOU had his drinking problems? I suspect not.
He has a new girlfriend, and it's not you. Let's face it, scoundrels like this guy have no trouble getting new women in their lives. Women get sucked into relationships with users like him like nobody's business. You have to remind yourself that there ARE good guys out there, and if you keep yourself open to developing a relationship with a healthy person, it will happen. Don't settle for someone like him. You deserve better.
If you can't avoid feeling envy for this loser when you hear about him, then do whatever it takes to avoid receiving information about him. Don't let friends tell you about him (I'd question if these are really your friends).
I'm glad you are able to recognize some of the good things going on in your life, that have nothing to do with your X. You need to continue your focus on what is good for your life, on moving your life forward, and leaving this guy in your past. The time will come, believe me, when you are over him and this relationship. You may always have some feelings for him, but you'll be able to focus on the good times you had with the guy and will have gratitude that he is not in your life.
By the way, I'm over 60 years old, and I have lost count of the number of boyfriends I went through in my wild and crazy youth. I finally met the right guy (in my mid-thirties), married him and have been in love for the past 30 years.
Just remember you have to kiss a few frogs (maybe many) before you find your prince.
Electa
And I have to admit. I have been poking around here and there on his FB page again. I let my guard down and got weak. That's when a post of mine comes up. I've gone and stabbed myself again.
So I made a pack with myself yesterday. No more. It's really hard, but no more. Part of me doesn't want to let go, but I'll never let go if I don't, and I have too. He just causes me pain, even now, and I just don't need it anymore.
But I am grateful now to him because he has done something for me I never thought would happen, and this is helping me to let go. Because of his ******, disgusting behavior, he's given me back my family. I've been estranged, by choice, from my family since 1995. They didn't even know where I lived. I couldn't take WW3 anymore and wanted a peaceful life and just walked away. I now realize that my sisters, while close, weren't able to connect due to just trying to emotionally survive the chaos in my house by my mother (dry drunk and I now think bipolar). My younger sister found me on FB in Nov and sent me a really lovely email. We started communicating, but it wasn't until my AexBF did this stunt to me that my family came out of the woodwork. My little sister called me right away when she saw his picture come down. They felt awful that I was going through it alone. My older sister wanted to talk to me but stayed back out of respect for my space and relayed messages via my little sister. I have only recently been emotionally up to connecting with her again and it's been really wonderful. We talk like never before, on a deep emotion level, and I have really haven't felt this loved and accepted in a long time. They don't care that I've been gone 15 years. They're just glad I'm okay and back. That's real love. So this loser gave me back 2 sisters, 2 brother in laws, 3 nieces, 1 nephew, 1 aunt and uncle, and a cousin. Who would of thought?? My therapist thinks that was his purpose, to bring me back to my family. He actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise.....I booked a flight yesterday to go home in Nov for the first time in 15 years. I'm finally going home.
And it scary all the feelings that are rushing back in me now because of this, but a family's love overshawdows an alcoholics version of it anyday...
Thanks...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
BS08: Oh how wonderful for you. Lose a loser, and gain your family back because of him.
You are so right in saying, "a family's love overshadows an alcoholics version of it anyday."
Concentrate on doing whatever you enjoy doing, keep up with your family and make all sorts of lovely plans for when you go home to them. Leave your XAB loser in a time capsule, til around 2025, and see if you give a s**t about him then.
As Electra said, "You have to remind yourself that there ARE good guys out there, and if you keep yourself open to developing a relationship with a healthy person, it will happen. Don't settle for someone like him. You deserve better."
All the best for you in future.
You are so right in saying, "a family's love overshadows an alcoholics version of it anyday."
Concentrate on doing whatever you enjoy doing, keep up with your family and make all sorts of lovely plans for when you go home to them. Leave your XAB loser in a time capsule, til around 2025, and see if you give a s**t about him then.
As Electra said, "You have to remind yourself that there ARE good guys out there, and if you keep yourself open to developing a relationship with a healthy person, it will happen. Don't settle for someone like him. You deserve better."
All the best for you in future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello BSO8:
Aww, thanks for the compliment. Glad you were helped by it.
You might find this interesting as it sheds some light on the perspective I offered you:
Yesterday I got home from town and there was a message on my recorder from an old boyfriend (actually my very first boyfriend). He's kept in periodic touch with me for over 40 years! He lives in another state, and tries to touch bases with me whenever he's in my area.
So, I returned his call, and we chatted a bit. I enjoyed talking to him, because he brings back memories of times that were important in my life and we did have some good times together despite the fact that he was also quite cruel to me at times. Why was he cruel? Its because he is a SERIOUSLY DEFICIENT HUMAN BEING. If he is not an out-and-out sociopath, he is certainly a person without a fully developed conscience.
While I have grown up since I knew him, and I have a happy and successful life, he has remained stalled at the level of maturity he had as a teenager. No one would regard him as having really done anything with his life, or achieved anything. He lives a marginal life up in Oregon, lives off the government (Social Security "Disability") drives an old beat-up Corvette (like he's still the hot young stud), boasts of his "good works" on behalf of fellow veterans, and has a string of "exes" (some of whom are mothers of children he casually fathered) who bitterly hate him.
My husband is completely unperturbed by the periodic contact I have with this guy. Why would he? He knows I regard my old boyfriend as a pathetic loser who probably could not tell the truth if his life depended on it.
It's interesting the way life turns out. Like I say, years from now, when you've moved on with your life, you may have some fond recollections of YOUR loser ex-boyfriend, too. Like me, you may find that you can hardly dredge up memories of the cruelties he inflicted on you. But, now that I mention it...certainly I suffered when we broke up. How I suffered, and how he rubbed my face in it!
For six months after the break up, I ate my heart out over this guy. I cried buckets of tears, lost 15 pounds, drank alcoholically, and was obsessed with the idea of getting him back. Still, even at the time, I KNEW, somewhere in the back of my obsessed, heart-broken young mind, that he was not the one for me, and that even if I did "get him back", I'd eventually leave him for a better person.
Now, of course, it is HIM who pines for ME. (One of his exes told me this when I ran into her by accident one day).
Keep up the good work. Your brain is working fine. Your heart will eventually heal, if you help it along.
Electa
Electa
Aww, thanks for the compliment. Glad you were helped by it.
You might find this interesting as it sheds some light on the perspective I offered you:
Yesterday I got home from town and there was a message on my recorder from an old boyfriend (actually my very first boyfriend). He's kept in periodic touch with me for over 40 years! He lives in another state, and tries to touch bases with me whenever he's in my area.
So, I returned his call, and we chatted a bit. I enjoyed talking to him, because he brings back memories of times that were important in my life and we did have some good times together despite the fact that he was also quite cruel to me at times. Why was he cruel? Its because he is a SERIOUSLY DEFICIENT HUMAN BEING. If he is not an out-and-out sociopath, he is certainly a person without a fully developed conscience.
While I have grown up since I knew him, and I have a happy and successful life, he has remained stalled at the level of maturity he had as a teenager. No one would regard him as having really done anything with his life, or achieved anything. He lives a marginal life up in Oregon, lives off the government (Social Security "Disability") drives an old beat-up Corvette (like he's still the hot young stud), boasts of his "good works" on behalf of fellow veterans, and has a string of "exes" (some of whom are mothers of children he casually fathered) who bitterly hate him.
My husband is completely unperturbed by the periodic contact I have with this guy. Why would he? He knows I regard my old boyfriend as a pathetic loser who probably could not tell the truth if his life depended on it.
It's interesting the way life turns out. Like I say, years from now, when you've moved on with your life, you may have some fond recollections of YOUR loser ex-boyfriend, too. Like me, you may find that you can hardly dredge up memories of the cruelties he inflicted on you. But, now that I mention it...certainly I suffered when we broke up. How I suffered, and how he rubbed my face in it!
For six months after the break up, I ate my heart out over this guy. I cried buckets of tears, lost 15 pounds, drank alcoholically, and was obsessed with the idea of getting him back. Still, even at the time, I KNEW, somewhere in the back of my obsessed, heart-broken young mind, that he was not the one for me, and that even if I did "get him back", I'd eventually leave him for a better person.
Now, of course, it is HIM who pines for ME. (One of his exes told me this when I ran into her by accident one day).
Keep up the good work. Your brain is working fine. Your heart will eventually heal, if you help it along.
Electa
Electa
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by anvilhead
and just HOW did she CHANGE him into Super Boyfriend? Magic Wand? Borrowed some of Tinkerbell's Sprinkles? Vulcan Mind Meld?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by BS08
But I have to make a list:
1) history of heavy drinking and still drinking. Told me alcohol will always be a problem
2) Daily pot smoker
3) $40,000 in credit card debit and owes more on his house than he did 12 years ago
4) admitted he's a sex addict
5) cheated on me with the new girlfriend. Didn't care what he was doing to me.
6) lied to me and did things behind my back. Actually tried to make me feel stupid about the fact that his exgirlfriend gave him a pair of stolen skis (which he lied to me about and then said "you THINK something is going on with us" all the while he's hooking up with this new girlfriend. Didn't seem to bother him)
7) thinks "massive debt is part of the fun of not growing up"
1) history of heavy drinking and still drinking. Told me alcohol will always be a problem
2) Daily pot smoker
3) $40,000 in credit card debit and owes more on his house than he did 12 years ago
4) admitted he's a sex addict
5) cheated on me with the new girlfriend. Didn't care what he was doing to me.
6) lied to me and did things behind my back. Actually tried to make me feel stupid about the fact that his exgirlfriend gave him a pair of stolen skis (which he lied to me about and then said "you THINK something is going on with us" all the while he's hooking up with this new girlfriend. Didn't seem to bother him)
7) thinks "massive debt is part of the fun of not growing up"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Why waste your energy and thoughts any longer on HIS life? You have a life to live and now is the time to work on YOU.
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
As for wanting him to be miserable and have his life fall apart, give it time and it most likely will all by his own hand.
Originally Posted by Jadmack25
Wish him good riddance, good luck and goodbye.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I read about DJ AM's death, supposedly he had 11 years of sobriety approx. and a relapse signified his life.
I totally agree with the above poster about not being there when they reach their bottom. I think of what the alcoholic I trusted is doing, and feel glad I am no longer there to worry, scold, be yelled at, abused, judged or risking my life with a madman behind the wheel.
It helps me to think that, when they do what they do as addicts, I am no longer there...
Great thread
I totally agree with the above poster about not being there when they reach their bottom. I think of what the alcoholic I trusted is doing, and feel glad I am no longer there to worry, scold, be yelled at, abused, judged or risking my life with a madman behind the wheel.
It helps me to think that, when they do what they do as addicts, I am no longer there...
Great thread
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
((I have to pack for my move. I have a new life to look forward to, to plan for, to make happen. He's not part of it and in order to leave that behind me, I have to sever all ties from the past.))
Wonderful news Linkmeister, about you moving on and planning the life you want, and not just getting thru the day with the burden of an addict on your shoulders.
Addicts are amazing really!! WE see posts from lots of A's ex-partners after they have stood up to the A and who soon after found themselves dumped for a new enabler.
Other posts from A's ex-partners who have decided to get out of the relationship and the A hangs on to them like grim death.
I wish you all the best for your free and exciting life ahead. May you find it everything you want and need to be happy and fulfilled.
God bless
Wonderful news Linkmeister, about you moving on and planning the life you want, and not just getting thru the day with the burden of an addict on your shoulders.Addicts are amazing really!! WE see posts from lots of A's ex-partners after they have stood up to the A and who soon after found themselves dumped for a new enabler.
Other posts from A's ex-partners who have decided to get out of the relationship and the A hangs on to them like grim death.
I wish you all the best for your free and exciting life ahead. May you find it everything you want and need to be happy and fulfilled.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Jadmack25 - Thank you so much for those encouraging words. It's just been a little while since the break up and I won't lie-the feelings for him are still there under the surface-sure, I could feel sorry for him and open the door just a crack to let him back into my life but whenever I have that thought, I think back to hiding behind a barricaded, locked door as he tried to break it down, on the phone with 911 and being pretty terrified. That snaps me right out of any thoughts of helping (enabling) him.
I told XABF that the only contact I want with him is when he lets me know when he is coming to get his stuff because I refuse to keep going around in his web of denial and self pity for the situation he finds himself in.
So, today starts packing and cleaning - my material things and my mind. I woke up today and since the paper is usually late, I read my Al-Anon and Melody Beattie DAily readings and those really spoke to me today of all days. There was talk of putting the past wher it belongs and new beginnings. That's going to make my day a whole lot better!!
I told XABF that the only contact I want with him is when he lets me know when he is coming to get his stuff because I refuse to keep going around in his web of denial and self pity for the situation he finds himself in.
So, today starts packing and cleaning - my material things and my mind. I woke up today and since the paper is usually late, I read my Al-Anon and Melody Beattie DAily readings and those really spoke to me today of all days. There was talk of putting the past wher it belongs and new beginnings. That's going to make my day a whole lot better!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Linkmeister
Thank You. I am trying my best to move on in spite of EXABF wanting things to be the way they were. He can't accept that I am moving on and he isn't. He wants But is not getting from me) his "comfortable pew" back where he can go on living in denial until the next relapse.
Presently, EXABF is living for all intents and purposes homeless in the local Salvation Army Hostel. This happened after I threw him out with the help of the police-twice in the same night. He was drunk, abusive and refused to accept that I broke it off. That night, he lost his wallet-all his ID including his bank card. He has what is left of his disability payment to live on for the rest of the month. I didn't want this to happen, but it did-all by his own hand. He still refuses to accept reality or help and still thinks we "have a chance" to work on things.
I've done that several times but he will not accept that I am taking the steps to move on. He still calls, going between acceptance, remorse and anger when I won't let him back into my life. Thank God for Call display-now that he has a cell #, I don't have to answer the phone. I have to pack for my move. I have a new life to look forward to, to plan for, to make happen. He's not part of it and in order to leave that behind me, I have to sever all ties from the past.
Presently, EXABF is living for all intents and purposes homeless in the local Salvation Army Hostel. This happened after I threw him out with the help of the police-twice in the same night. He was drunk, abusive and refused to accept that I broke it off. That night, he lost his wallet-all his ID including his bank card. He has what is left of his disability payment to live on for the rest of the month. I didn't want this to happen, but it did-all by his own hand. He still refuses to accept reality or help and still thinks we "have a chance" to work on things.
I've done that several times but he will not accept that I am taking the steps to move on. He still calls, going between acceptance, remorse and anger when I won't let him back into my life. Thank God for Call display-now that he has a cell #, I don't have to answer the phone. I have to pack for my move. I have a new life to look forward to, to plan for, to make happen. He's not part of it and in order to leave that behind me, I have to sever all ties from the past.
Rest assured, the moment someone else volunteers, he will stop calling you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
