BS08

Again, I bump into someone that knows my exABF. Again I hear how wonderfully fun his summer is and how happy he is. Again it sounds like he's got the best life and a great relationship.

But I have to remind myself how he treated me and how he behaves. The problems he has and it's not me...

But my own low self esteem again chimes in. That he's got this great relationship now and is really better off with her than he was with me. That somehow she changed him and he's now the great boyfriend. That I was lacking in something....

But I have to make a list:

1) history of heavy drinking and still drinking. Told me alcohol will always be a problem

2) Daily pot smoker

3) $40,000 in credit card debit and owes more on his house than he did 12 years ago

4) admitted he's a sex addict

5) cheated on me with the new girlfriend. Didn't care what he was doing to me.

6) lied to me and did things behind my back. Actually tried to make me feel stupid about the fact that his exgirlfriend gave him a pair of stolen skis (which he lied to me about and then said "you THINK something is going on with us" all the while he's hooking up with this new girlfriend. Didn't seem to bother him)

7) thinks "massive debt is part of the fun of not growing up"


I just feel so damn envious, honestly. It sounds great and I just feel so alone. I'm trying to work on me, I'm trying, but somehow God just seems to want me to keep having this thrown in my face. I just keep bumping into connections. I want his life to fall apart! I want him to just be so unhappy and it doesn't seem to be happening. I don't want people to think he's this great boyfriend when he trashed me! I know I need to focus on me, but damn it, it's eating me up. I feel like I'm trying to catch up to the Jones so to say.

And I should be so appreciative to him though. Because of his disgusting behavior, I've become reconnected with my family.. I been estranged from my sisters for 15 years do to the dysfunction in my house growing up and my psychotic mother. My younger sister got in touch with me through FB in Nov and it's been really nice getting to know her again. When all this came crashing down in April, my sister felt awful I was out here alone dealing with it. She also wanted me to know that my older sister wanted to be there for me too. I wasn't ready for that yet, but recently I got in touch with her, and amazingly some of my other family members, and it's been wonderful. There is nothing but warmth and love coming from them. I'm shocked and amazed by it. I never would of become connected back with my family if it hadn't been for his ****** behavior. I'm actually going to fly back home in Nov to see them and meet my nieces. It's been 15 years.

So why can't I focus on that instead of him? I just still miss him and what he had.

sclarke64448

Hey, I know exactly what you mean. My xabf has put a picture up on fb over the weekend and it flashed up on my home page as he wrote to a friend. He looks really healthy. I know he's still with the tramp who went after him when he was with me (and she is a tramp!) and he's working now. He stopped work 10 months before we met, came up with endless promises about how he'd sort himself out for us, then, so it seems, landed a job within about two months of us splitting. I keep reminding myself though that he slips up big style every so often. And while we were together I would get, "I couldn't sort myself out for XXX and the kids, so what makes you think I can do it for you?" Throughout our three years he would (albeit jokingly) take the mickey out of me for being on fb saying 'Go out and get some real friends' and yet here he is re-acquainting himself now with scores of schoolfriends. Last year he was invited to a reunion and didn't want to go to it. 'Why do I want to see people I haven't seen in 20 years?' I like to console myself that people like you and me know the real them. Their current SOs have yet to learn it. And I'm sure they will. My ex's ex was always waiting for him to slip up. And she was right. He did. I bet she's regretting interfering in our relationship now though. She felt uncomfortable going into her local as we were there. (Why I don't know as I'm a friendly person and was not jealous of her in the least!) At least when he and I were together it was just me, and I lived 30 miles from where they lived together. His new girlfriend, her family and her four children (and three fathers of those children) all live in the same village. If she was worried about going into the local because of just me, now she's got bigger fish to fry! What goes around.....

kv816

Who says he's happy?

My ex was always "happy".....when he had a 12 pack next to him. He was "happy" with me.....when I brought a 12 pack home after shopping. My ex was always "happy" with company.....when they brought a 12 pack. He was "happy" going out to town.....when that meant stopping at the bar. He was always "happy" hanging out with his sister......when she had beer in the house.

He was always happy.....when alcohol was involved. Whether it was alcohol or someone else providing it to him.

But I don't think he was ever really, truly happy.

TakingCharge999

Dear BS08:

Do I know all those feelings!

The suggestion would be to open a new FB account with ONLY YOUR FAMILY... AND FRIENDS THAT DONT KNOW HIM.

I cant tell you how great it is to log in and be able to share stuff without walking on eggshells. Also I blocked ex and his gf, that feature blocks messages and keeps them from seeing your updates... I just added all the security features so ONLY FRIENDS are allowed to receive my news and see my pics.

I got hurt and hurt and hurt receiving news about ex's new life until I realized I got a choice to stop listening and was done

I stopped contact with anyone who remotely reminded me of those Misery Months or that knew how bad I felt, and still go out with ex for drinks... I know there are people that can separate friendships, but I just do not consider someone to be my friend and still be in friendly drinking terms with ex. People in denial do not help me get out from my own denial!


Once I learned theirs is an Alternate Universe everything made sense

Here are some handy translations for Alcoholic Language 101 aka Quacking:

Our moving on: reflecting, feeling, learning
Their "moving on": hopping to the easiest prey available to repeat the same play and the same script only with a different actress/actor.

Our happiness: inner joy, peace, serenity
Their "happiness": drink, have other drinkers around

Our not dwelling on the past: comes after much inner work when you can finally make peace with it and start enjoying your present wiser than before.
Their "not dwelling on the past": never looking back to their own actions because they *may* see something they don't like about themselves

As long as one is in active drinking nothing has changed. Everything is the same as you knew. That you don't have a front row seat does not mean everything is fixed. You know better. And its a good way to heal, to be grateful for not having that front row seat anymore.

Recognizing Quacking is a very important skill~!

A good phrase from ToughChoices I think: "don't compare your insides with his outsides, its terribly unfair to you"

If he is "happy" drinking, well by all means, "let him" drink all the alcohol in the world, abuse himself, owe debt, abuse and use people, live that life and do whatever he wants, as long as he is away from you ... let the sinking ship sink...

In my set of beliefs, when our time comes we will face God/HP and feel everything we made others feel. So better become more compassionate people ourselves, take this anger out, but do not stick with the ill wishing(which I did for months)...

Active alcoholics already got death clinging on their shoulders, and no amount of denial in their world can change this reality.

queenie88

BS08 I am exactly where you are…I’ll admit I haven’t cut all ties yet. We’re still facebook friends, and every time I log on I get a sick feeling in my stomach thinking “is this the day I’m going to find out something about xabf that I don’t want to know? Like a new girlfriend, or how great his life is doing?” I know eventually enough will be enough when I don’t want to keep torturing myself any more. That’s what it is. I feel like I’m slightly masochistic in this way. I guess it’s my way of holding on to him and what we had together….but why? What am I holding on to? Just the memory. Everything we had was a sham, he just put on a show to attract some unsuspecting enabler into his out of control life. I have to tell myself that he didn’t really love me, that everything was fake, because if I don’t then I’ll start feeling pity and sympathy and I’ll be even more stuck than I already am.

TC…thank you SO MUCH for your us vs. them comparison. I’ll really have to keep that in mind whenever I start feeling nostalgic and sad. I just have to keep telling myself that there’s no reflecting and feeling on his end, and his “happiness” is merely alcohol and weed-induced. And he pushed away someone great, who cared deeply for him. What a sad, empty existence.

Mrak

Hi BS08,

This is not a lecture. This is simply a statement from my own experiences. I was married for 23 years. I was cheated on (after I quit drinking). I was belittled, berated and emasculated by my wife and her friends while I was working on my sobriety. They drank in front of me and called me pathetic.

After my divorce I was filled with anger and hatred for all of these people - I wished the worst for them. But these feelings did ME no good. I came to understand that obsessing over my ex and those who undermined me is no different than being obsessed with alcohol. I have finally come to accept that another person's failure will not make my life better - only I can make my life better - and I will not allow my own emotional venom to run my thoughts and my life.

I believe that your feelings are legitimate and natural. Denying your own feelings makes you no better than an addict. Wishing ill on someone else and being obsessed with their failure makes you no better than the addict. I speak from experience as I have been there. Wishing the worst for someone is like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person gets sick. It's okay to have these natural emotions, but you can't allow them to run your thinking, your feelings and your actions. The addict won't change but you can.

Do you really miss him? Or do you miss the memory of him? It's like living sober - the memory of drinking is better than the drinking was (and all the negative consequences that came with it).

Anger and the desire for revenge are natural emotions. They only become unhealthy emotions when you act on them. If you want revenge - the best revenge is to let others see that you can live happy, healthy and sober. Don't worry, they will be envious of you.

I truly do wish you strength, personal peace and a drama free life.

P.S. Sometimes justice IS served. Almost everyone that berated me while I was sobering up and attempting to reconcile my marriage has been arrested for drunk driving. Mutual friends informed me of this, I will not waste my time to followup or "stalk" these people. I didn't have to do a thing to get even with them - nature took care of itself for me.

TakingCharge999

Also on this topic, I found I got the idea of my dad getting the happiness while my mom was the one who "lost" and has been depressed for decades... in my childhood I learned only one out of two got the joy!! its worth to look if in your history you somehow learned this lie too?

I now know it was not my dad who took happiness away from my mom, she could have been happier if she wanted it and took steps to achieve what she wanted.

In this universe there is abundance and ex's being happy or miserable or whatever, has no relation to what we can feel now, today...

Just as ex told me he did not give a damn about what I did (what a wonderful caring guy ) and I have no effect on how he chooses to live his life.. the same is true for me, if he drinks or not, if he misses me or not, whatever... I can smile today.. and look, no one can take that smile away from me... they are just as powerless to impact my life and my taking care of myself from now on... they cannot describe or drag me down for who I used to be.

"I am someone different now, I choose something else for me today" is my new motto

Mrak

How true and how profound! I agree that we do not have to be defined and live within our past experiences. Because that's all they are, PAST experiences.

A smart person learns from their own mistakes,,, but a smarter person learns from everyone else's mistakes.

sandrawg

Consider the source. Is this coming from someone who really knows him? Or is it coming from a drinking buddy?

My xabf ONLY seems to associate w/people who have substance abuse issues. I think this is because as my mama said, like attracts like.

It's pretty obvious to nearly anyone with a brain that my xabf, at the very least, has a 'drinking problem', yet one of his "friends" told me he's not an alcoholic, and that alcohol has not caused ANY problems in his life whatsoever.

I pointed out, well, what about our relationship? It's sure caused a lot of problems there!

The "friend" said: "That's only cuz you can't accept his social drinking."

Um hmmm.

Seriously, you know what's up-you've been closer to him than anyone. I would let whatever anyone else says roll down your back.

Not to mention-he's not your problem anymore, right? So who cares what he's doing.

If my xabf gets sober and ends up becoming the best bf in the world to some other chick, you know what? I'll be happy. Cuz I do truly love him and wish for his happiness and health, whether he's able to be with me, or not.

Freedom1990

Is there any reason you can't be firm when these people start talking about him, and make it clear you don't want to hear it?

Is there any reason you can't walk off if they don't respect your wishes?

BS08

Thank you..

sclarke64448

Anvilhead you're so right. I always think this about my ex. How come she could get him to change when I couldn't. How come for three years he couldn't work but after two / three months with her, he's now working? Of course it had nothing to do with the fact that his doctor was going to cut off his benefit, which he'd falsely claimed for four years (or the best part of - certainly three!) It has nothing to do with the fact that when he came out of prison he was placed on to a scheme - a compulsory government scheme - called pathways to work. And there was no getting out of it as if he tried they would have cut his benefit. No, it's nothing to do with it. It's all due to wonder woman!! Sometimes your posts really do trigger off a reality check with me!

ElegantlyWasted

Addicts have the ability to change, but they have to want it very badly. Hence the conventional wisdom that some sort of Bottoming out is necessary to induce a "conversion experience". Then for most the real work begins. Get on with it you deserve better. Learn from your mistakes, but try not to dwell on them. Lying, Cheating, Stealing and using go hand in hand.

Jadmack25

Spending time obsessing on what, why and how our ex partners are doing, just takes that precious time from us enjoying our life to the full. We know from our own experience with them that a lot of what they say is lies, and that just because things look good for them now, it doesn't mean it will continue that way.

Why waste your energy and thoughts any longer on HIS life? You have a life to live and now is the time to work on YOU.

As for wanting him to be miserable and have his life fall apart, give it time and it most likely will all by his own hand. But would that make your life one bit happier, stronger or better?

I like the saying: "Your candle doesn't glow any brighter because you blow mine out".

Wish him good riddance, good luck and goodbye.

God bless

sclarke64448

Oh Jadmack you deserve as big an applaud as Anvilhead so again -

TakingCharge999

Its funny how you resist seeing your side of the street, doing things that make you feel good, etc and when you finally do it its like WHY HAVENT I DONE THIS BEFORE??? and you start enjoying re discovering yourself and your FREEDOM!! I became addicted to spa's, keeping excellent company, fashion & runways, art, good reading, piano, philosophical debate, sports, healthy fruit smoothies, ALL the stuff I always liked and enjoy!! ...

At least it happened to me, when I saw my side of the street on the last relation I was able to see the 99% of the hurting, poor taste and bad behavior was the other person, not me. I was able to see not too many hurtful things happened before I was out so I could finally pat myself on the back for realizing I deserved better. Looking at yourself in honesty is the way to throw back the emotional trash where it belongs and say: "this is not mine. never was"

Electa

Hello BS08:

Hang in there! I can see from the list you wrote that you are capable of dealing with this situation rationally enough that you can enumerate the negative things about this guy. If these things are true (and I believe that you are being brutally candid here) then take it from me, who is detached viewer, that you've described the boyfriend from Hell. The fact that you miss him doesn't mean you are stupid or crazy, it just means that you connected with him in some way and have not been able to sever that connection.

Have you read the "hooks which keep us in boundary-less relationships". One of the hooks I suspect you are on is the inability to distinguish love from pity. If you haven't read and pondered this hook and how it pertains to you, I suggest you do this.

Don't fall for the illusion he is putting out that life is just ducky. What comes through to me in the description you've given about this guy is that he (like addicts in general) is clearly living in a fantasy world of his creation. In fact, you gave a good clue to this fantasy when you said he claims his massive debt is "part of the fun of not growing up!"

Hmm....think about that statement! Do you really want to be in a relationship with an adult child? One who not only acts like a child, but actually boasts about it?

And the girlfriend. She is a patsy, and doesn't deserve your envy, but your pity. She obviously has not heard the old saw about boyfriends who've cheated on their former girlfriends. What she has is a guy who cheats, period. In time, she'll learn that a guy who cheated with the girlfriend (you) he had before HER, will in time cheat on HER (if he hasn't done so already).

I don't mean to belittle you. I have been exactly where you have been and suffered the feelings you are dealing with, so I'm sympathetic and empathetic. Envy is a terrible ***** in our armor, so when you find yourself envying this guy (or his new girlfriend) sit down and develop a second list. List all those reasons why you envy him. What might those reasons be?

He's happy and your not? Would YOU be happy if YOU had his drinking problems? I suspect not.

He has a new girlfriend, and it's not you. Let's face it, scoundrels like this guy have no trouble getting new women in their lives. Women get sucked into relationships with users like him like nobody's business. You have to remind yourself that there ARE good guys out there, and if you keep yourself open to developing a relationship with a healthy person, it will happen. Don't settle for someone like him. You deserve better.

If you can't avoid feeling envy for this loser when you hear about him, then do whatever it takes to avoid receiving information about him. Don't let friends tell you about him (I'd question if these are really your friends).

I'm glad you are able to recognize some of the good things going on in your life, that have nothing to do with your X. You need to continue your focus on what is good for your life, on moving your life forward, and leaving this guy in your past. The time will come, believe me, when you are over him and this relationship. You may always have some feelings for him, but you'll be able to focus on the good times you had with the guy and will have gratitude that he is not in your life.

By the way, I'm over 60 years old, and I have lost count of the number of boyfriends I went through in my wild and crazy youth. I finally met the right guy (in my mid-thirties), married him and have been in love for the past 30 years.

Just remember you have to kiss a few frogs (maybe many) before you find your prince.

Electa

TakingCharge999

Electa

BS08, yesterday I remembered you, I was hugging my boyfriend very cozily, it was raining, the cat was sleeping on BOTH of us, and I almost cried of joy... sometimes you need to know the storm so you can appreciate the rainbow, what a cliche but its true.

I plan to marry this man. He is honest, sincere, CARING, knows how to listen, seeks to improve his life, has values, is choosing his friends better, is healthy and the most handsome guy I ever kissed!! He came to my life out of the blue. Just when I thought there was no hope. Well, there was, lots of it!! I look forward to live with him the rest of my life. We are going towards the same direction. He feels like a partner and a friend. He protects me, he is not someone who I need protection from!

Not to say you need to find someone like that to be happy... I am just trying to tell you its a mourning process and even if you feel bad now it will all be better in the future... it really does get way better!!

The thing is that I already loved me more and my life more, and he is an enhancement to my life, he is not MY life. Big difference!

That is why they always remind us here to focus on ourselves... when you know what you want, and what you do not want in your life... when you know yourself, know what you need... and which qualities you seek in people around you... its much easier to look at the reality of an ex, go and think "he was SO not good for ME" and that is all... who cares what happens to them afterwards? as long as you got clear what you want there is no stopping you!

My ex is still drinking, there is nothing else I need to know about his life. I know its all a lie and a fantasy. I know he has not learnt from pain and that nothing has changed. Or he has changed - for the worse!

And hey, even if he stopped drinking - does that fix past hurt? does that erase horrible words? does that make someone a good person automatically? nope. Trust is gone. For good.

Instead of waiting for someone to make amends, why not look for someone who does not do anything that needs making amends? whew! what a relief! what wonderful freedom!

I hope you rest well tonight!

queenie88

i love that! BS08...here's hoping we find our rainbows one day...

TakingCharge999

As it is the other day I saw TWO rainbows...
Hi queenie, I know you are out there!!