If You Put My Heart Up To Your Ear....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
If You Put My Heart Up To Your Ear....
....I bet you could hear the ocean. (Movie quote)
I was reading on an Internet site an excerpt from a book about codependency in the workplace and the following passage really got my attention:
"The type 3 codependent tries to avoid the need of others and acknowleding self-expectations and needs. The isolated, unenergetic individual who has few ambitions lives a life where needs for affiliation and achievement go unacknowledged and unmet. Being alone is the prime directive. "
Yikes.
In my personal life, that is me to a T. I have never been much of a social butterfly - I would rather have 10 people I know very well than a whole bunch I just kinda associate with. But in the last 3 years (since the divorce), this has turned really ugly. I have NO friends whatsoever. Even my babysitter noticed this. I have no girlfriends to hang with. Nobody calls me, not even family. I don't really do anything anymore. I don't even engage in hobbies - I just don't have the mental energy to do it. And I am very lonely mentally, spritually and in a more....ahem....physical sense.
I just don't want to be like that anymore. My kids are starting to think this is what normal families are like - no playdates, no big birthday parties, no sleepovers. I couldn't have anyone over as a child because my home was awful (long story, some other time....) It's bad enough I have learned this is how to live, but I don't want to pass this painful way of living on to them. So I am looking for ways to break the pattern.
Maybe a classic codependent question here: how do normal people meet each other? I have never considered myself normal and on top of that I have been "out of the game" for so long I don't even know where to begin. Work on myself - yes, I get that and do something a bit every day. But even if I do all that, I work nights and have my kids with me almost constantly, certainly every weekend. And if I do meet someone I like, what do I do next?
I just get so discouraged sometimes being alone. I look at a beautiful sunset or a tree turning colors and just want someone I can turn to and say "Isn't that wonderful?". I want someone to share with. I had a dream about it a few nights ago and woke up feeling great but later was crying because I knew it was just a dream. I know what it would feel like, but I don't see that I will ever have it, and it haunts me so much. The funny thing is, I am not pining for my ex. I have never done that. I am pining for the lost opportunity. Bakers dozen of comments/observations here but doing the best I can.
So:
How do you meet people?
What do you do next?
How can you tell when you like someone vs. having a codie crisis?
Tell me I'm not crazy?
Thanks for reading.
I was reading on an Internet site an excerpt from a book about codependency in the workplace and the following passage really got my attention:
"The type 3 codependent tries to avoid the need of others and acknowleding self-expectations and needs. The isolated, unenergetic individual who has few ambitions lives a life where needs for affiliation and achievement go unacknowledged and unmet. Being alone is the prime directive. "
Yikes.
In my personal life, that is me to a T. I have never been much of a social butterfly - I would rather have 10 people I know very well than a whole bunch I just kinda associate with. But in the last 3 years (since the divorce), this has turned really ugly. I have NO friends whatsoever. Even my babysitter noticed this. I have no girlfriends to hang with. Nobody calls me, not even family. I don't really do anything anymore. I don't even engage in hobbies - I just don't have the mental energy to do it. And I am very lonely mentally, spritually and in a more....ahem....physical sense.
I just don't want to be like that anymore. My kids are starting to think this is what normal families are like - no playdates, no big birthday parties, no sleepovers. I couldn't have anyone over as a child because my home was awful (long story, some other time....) It's bad enough I have learned this is how to live, but I don't want to pass this painful way of living on to them. So I am looking for ways to break the pattern.
Maybe a classic codependent question here: how do normal people meet each other? I have never considered myself normal and on top of that I have been "out of the game" for so long I don't even know where to begin. Work on myself - yes, I get that and do something a bit every day. But even if I do all that, I work nights and have my kids with me almost constantly, certainly every weekend. And if I do meet someone I like, what do I do next?
I just get so discouraged sometimes being alone. I look at a beautiful sunset or a tree turning colors and just want someone I can turn to and say "Isn't that wonderful?". I want someone to share with. I had a dream about it a few nights ago and woke up feeling great but later was crying because I knew it was just a dream. I know what it would feel like, but I don't see that I will ever have it, and it haunts me so much. The funny thing is, I am not pining for my ex. I have never done that. I am pining for the lost opportunity. Bakers dozen of comments/observations here but doing the best I can.
So:
How do you meet people?
What do you do next?
How can you tell when you like someone vs. having a codie crisis?
Tell me I'm not crazy?
Thanks for reading.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
MssFixit- right now there is a 2 month waiting list for therapists through the county health department. Probably overwhelmed with those dealing with unemployment plus all of life's regular stress, I guess.
Any suggestions on books to read, exercises (physical, written, mental, etc.) to do to learn more about this on my own?
Any suggestions on books to read, exercises (physical, written, mental, etc.) to do to learn more about this on my own?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
The problem you describe can be addressed, even if you have been out of circulation for years, even if you have your children with you all the time. You're not one bit crazy (or, we both are, in which case I won't judge you).
I haven't a clue how normal people meet each other... but when I came to the conclusion that I had become pathologically lonely and isolated and needed people in my life, I turned to internet social groups-- the kind where people post open hikes and dances and dinners, and then you can sign up to attend whatever you like. In my area, some of these are geared towards parents, so having my daughter with me wasn't an absolute barrier... and there were some events at odd hours and on weekdays.
In a way, it was terrifying. There was a time in my life when I was socially competent, but it ended abruptly at age 8 when my mother died (a story for another day). I had no idea how to talk to people, so I stuck to activities where the focus was on something besides face to face interaction.
But in another way I didn't care how scary it was. I had hit my personal rock bottom, spending a night on the bathroom floor crying and telling God that I would do anything not to be in such pain anymore. And I meant it. If the Angel Gabriel had appeared before me and told me that I needed to take my clothes off and dance the Watusi up and down my street, I would have done it without a second thought. Instead, I forced myself to go hiking and dine out with total strangers and what happened next was that it got easier, and I liked some of them and they liked me-- and I didn't have to do anything that made me uncomfortable, like arrange to meet them one on one, until I felt emotionally safe doing so. I would see them at the next hike or game night or whatever. I slowly made friends at my own pace... and eventually, struck up a relationship with an intelligent, talented and affectionate fellow that's been going for some time. Physical loneliness is much less of an issue these days
And like you I didn't want my child to think it was normal to be alone all the time. Many of the folks I've made friends with other parents, many single ones, and my daughter spends more time with kids her own age. Not as much as she or I would like, but it's better. I have my daughter with me 1/2 the time, and it's good for both of us to not be in the house depending on each other for company so much.
I still have a hard time making close friends, but for me the internet has been a great tool for meeting people whose company I genuinely enjoy-- which is an improvement, and something to work with. I hope you're in an area where you could do something similar. Good luck!!
I haven't a clue how normal people meet each other... but when I came to the conclusion that I had become pathologically lonely and isolated and needed people in my life, I turned to internet social groups-- the kind where people post open hikes and dances and dinners, and then you can sign up to attend whatever you like. In my area, some of these are geared towards parents, so having my daughter with me wasn't an absolute barrier... and there were some events at odd hours and on weekdays.
In a way, it was terrifying. There was a time in my life when I was socially competent, but it ended abruptly at age 8 when my mother died (a story for another day). I had no idea how to talk to people, so I stuck to activities where the focus was on something besides face to face interaction.
But in another way I didn't care how scary it was. I had hit my personal rock bottom, spending a night on the bathroom floor crying and telling God that I would do anything not to be in such pain anymore. And I meant it. If the Angel Gabriel had appeared before me and told me that I needed to take my clothes off and dance the Watusi up and down my street, I would have done it without a second thought. Instead, I forced myself to go hiking and dine out with total strangers and what happened next was that it got easier, and I liked some of them and they liked me-- and I didn't have to do anything that made me uncomfortable, like arrange to meet them one on one, until I felt emotionally safe doing so. I would see them at the next hike or game night or whatever. I slowly made friends at my own pace... and eventually, struck up a relationship with an intelligent, talented and affectionate fellow that's been going for some time. Physical loneliness is much less of an issue these days
And like you I didn't want my child to think it was normal to be alone all the time. Many of the folks I've made friends with other parents, many single ones, and my daughter spends more time with kids her own age. Not as much as she or I would like, but it's better. I have my daughter with me 1/2 the time, and it's good for both of us to not be in the house depending on each other for company so much.
I still have a hard time making close friends, but for me the internet has been a great tool for meeting people whose company I genuinely enjoy-- which is an improvement, and something to work with. I hope you're in an area where you could do something similar. Good luck!!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I understand how you feel. After 18 years with STBXAH I had isolated myself with me friends of my own - I got a few of his friends from the split though!
Its been over a year and I'm moving house soon and have decided its time to start living a life again. I've just signed up for a life drawing evening class and discovered my local 'gumtree' online which has posts in a hobbies and activities section. The result is I've joined a book club that meets once a month and enquired about joining a choir! Scary, scary stuff.
Once STBAXH left I felt I had no social skills whatsoever. It has taken me a year of work with my counsellor and a lot of self discovery for me to get to the stage where I'm willing to rejoin the human race. If I made a mistake, say something clumsily etc I know it won't be the end of the world. I have to accept I'm only human and that will happen from time to time.
I'm not looking for a partner. I'm looking for some fun and maybe make a few friends along the way (fingers crossed)!
Its been over a year and I'm moving house soon and have decided its time to start living a life again. I've just signed up for a life drawing evening class and discovered my local 'gumtree' online which has posts in a hobbies and activities section. The result is I've joined a book club that meets once a month and enquired about joining a choir! Scary, scary stuff.
Once STBAXH left I felt I had no social skills whatsoever. It has taken me a year of work with my counsellor and a lot of self discovery for me to get to the stage where I'm willing to rejoin the human race. If I made a mistake, say something clumsily etc I know it won't be the end of the world. I have to accept I'm only human and that will happen from time to time.
I'm not looking for a partner. I'm looking for some fun and maybe make a few friends along the way (fingers crossed)!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
I understand how you feel. I too isolated myself with my ex. I went back to school and was immersed in school and dealing with the ex, so I had lost connection to the world outside of those two things. This summer I have been trying to heal. I came up to my families' house as I had no place to live. When here I have run into several old friends who are all happy to reconnect...this has been shocking. I didn't think I mattered to anyone, that is how messed up our minds can be from years of dealing with and listening to an active A.
As far as meeting people I am reconnecting with past friends and now meeting some of their friends. Taking it slow, but it feels great to have people smile when they see me and know that they are not going to do scary unstable **** that affects me. I am much more at ease and I think it might make me a better friend.
I have also met really nice people in al anon. Most are open. The old timers and social butterflies are happy to meet you for coffee or have dinner. My first al anon group used to have a bunch who went to dinner together after the meeting. They were fun. I was too timid to go with them, but wish I did.
Church is a good place to meet people who have morals (at least most do). The routine of leaving the house and going to a place where others are talking and interacting helps. My first outing was a Christmas party for al anon. I sat there totally guarded and quiet. Kind people sat with me drawing me out. Again it takes time to work through the defensive wall of fear that we build around ourselves, but it can be done.
Hugs
I understand how you feel. I too isolated myself with my ex. I went back to school and was immersed in school and dealing with the ex, so I had lost connection to the world outside of those two things. This summer I have been trying to heal. I came up to my families' house as I had no place to live. When here I have run into several old friends who are all happy to reconnect...this has been shocking. I didn't think I mattered to anyone, that is how messed up our minds can be from years of dealing with and listening to an active A.
As far as meeting people I am reconnecting with past friends and now meeting some of their friends. Taking it slow, but it feels great to have people smile when they see me and know that they are not going to do scary unstable **** that affects me. I am much more at ease and I think it might make me a better friend.
I have also met really nice people in al anon. Most are open. The old timers and social butterflies are happy to meet you for coffee or have dinner. My first al anon group used to have a bunch who went to dinner together after the meeting. They were fun. I was too timid to go with them, but wish I did.
Church is a good place to meet people who have morals (at least most do). The routine of leaving the house and going to a place where others are talking and interacting helps. My first outing was a Christmas party for al anon. I sat there totally guarded and quiet. Kind people sat with me drawing me out. Again it takes time to work through the defensive wall of fear that we build around ourselves, but it can be done.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I'm involved with church. I had found myself slipping away so I started working with the youth program (my kids where teens at the time). I don't have lots of friends but I do have some really good ones. They depend on me to help at youth, so I can't just curl into a ball and stay home. That helps with people and spiritual loneliness. I spend time with my HP.
I'm still with my AH and he make it very hard for me to get out; but I make sure that even if I know some one is going to play the 'guilt' card (even if it's myself) that I do things for myself. It might be something really silly like taking my sister for coffee. Or our church talks about reaching out every week. I may ask the old lady next to me if she wants coffee or breakfast after church. Sometimes it's so hard and I think I may faint. But I just do it afraid. It's finally getting better!!!
Just last night I was out with two girls having a few drinks after a movie and for the first time in weeks I thought how thankful I was that I was having fun and didn't feel lonely. I hope that helps.
A book I would tell you to read is "The Confident Woman" by Joyce Meyer. Also; Joyce Meyer wrote "How to Succeed at being Youself". Both of these books are really amazing for what your (we're) going through.
Hugs...
I'm still with my AH and he make it very hard for me to get out; but I make sure that even if I know some one is going to play the 'guilt' card (even if it's myself) that I do things for myself. It might be something really silly like taking my sister for coffee. Or our church talks about reaching out every week. I may ask the old lady next to me if she wants coffee or breakfast after church. Sometimes it's so hard and I think I may faint. But I just do it afraid. It's finally getting better!!!
Just last night I was out with two girls having a few drinks after a movie and for the first time in weeks I thought how thankful I was that I was having fun and didn't feel lonely. I hope that helps.
A book I would tell you to read is "The Confident Woman" by Joyce Meyer. Also; Joyce Meyer wrote "How to Succeed at being Youself". Both of these books are really amazing for what your (we're) going through.
Hugs...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi DirtMagnet,
I'm the same way as you. I have no friends to speak of outside of work. My three closest friends are all married with children so have no time for "friend" stuff. My family is all busy with their lives and I have no place in their worlds.
I too would like to have a nice relationship to share those kinds of moments with another person. And perhaps to share responsibilities with. But I honestly don't think that is ever going to happen for me because I don't think that kind of person is out there for me. I'm way too set in my ways, for one thing, and I am intolerant of disruption, nonsense and drama. I have found my serenity.
My neighbors think I should "go out." But honestly, I'm happy going to the library once week, reading books, going to bed early, taking care of my responsibilities, gardening, and basically being QUIET. It's what my heart likes. I had all the partying and noise and bars and bands during my 20s and I'm done with that. I think the healthiest decision for me is to accept who I am, honor myself, stop fighting it, and stop going along with what everyone else thinks is normal or good for me.
Thanks so much for sharing. We are not alone.
I'm the same way as you. I have no friends to speak of outside of work. My three closest friends are all married with children so have no time for "friend" stuff. My family is all busy with their lives and I have no place in their worlds.
I too would like to have a nice relationship to share those kinds of moments with another person. And perhaps to share responsibilities with. But I honestly don't think that is ever going to happen for me because I don't think that kind of person is out there for me. I'm way too set in my ways, for one thing, and I am intolerant of disruption, nonsense and drama. I have found my serenity.
My neighbors think I should "go out." But honestly, I'm happy going to the library once week, reading books, going to bed early, taking care of my responsibilities, gardening, and basically being QUIET. It's what my heart likes. I had all the partying and noise and bars and bands during my 20s and I'm done with that. I think the healthiest decision for me is to accept who I am, honor myself, stop fighting it, and stop going along with what everyone else thinks is normal or good for me.
Thanks so much for sharing. We are not alone.
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