Still Waters

Amen. Me too CAAW

CAAW

Yeah, seriously, what is up with the pregnancy and the labor stories? I have another one of those:

When I had my son, my AH went and bought beer and snuck it in the room the first night. He said he needed it to help him fall asleep at the hospital. I had to stay 4 days since I had a c-section. The rest of my stay he would go out later in the evening to have dinner and a "few" beers then come back to the hospital to stay the night.

Now that we are talking about all this things are coming out that I had I guess made myself forget.

Like before we had kids. I had a kidney infection. I was being treated by my primary, but it wasn't getting better. I was vomiting, in pain, and getting dehydrated. The doctor told me there wasn't anything he could do for me. He said to go to the ER. My AH went up to the ER with me but they were so busy. He acted aggravated. I made the unhealthy decision and told him I felt better and we could just leave (I now know I did this because I wanted to keep him happy and push my needs aside. I know this is something I still do and need to continue working on making the healthy decisions.) In the middle of the night I felt SO terrible. I woke up and knew I had to go to the hospital. I woke him up and he was so mad. He told me to wait till the morning. Made a comment about how much the ER visit was going to cost. I said fine, I'll just drive myself. I need to go. I got up and went to go. He got up yelled at me. Pushed me down on the bed. told me to wait until the morning. I guess you already have an idea of how I reacted to that.

I waited till morning. He was still mad I was going, but he took me. They ended up admitting me. I had an infection in both my kidneys. I had antibiotics in my IV, but the infection was pretty bad so my fever didn't go away quickly. I had to stay 2 days in the hospital.
He never said he was sorry.
Actually, the first night he stayed for a while and his friend were calling. They wanted him to go play poker and drink. Okay, again, you prob know what I said.
I told him to go ahead and go even though I wanted him to stay. (I felt bad making him stay)

Learn2Live: so you see, I know I have a problem. I am an enabler and I have a problem not telling him what I want. I can't expect him to know. I see your point my expectations and way of thinking are total opposite of his way of thinking. I need to communicate how I feel and what I want and need. Then it is up to him to make the decision. Right???

Learn2Live

Yes ma'am. My problem was (and still is to some degree) that in a relationship with a man, I could NEVER voice to him what I wanted without becoming emotional about it. Part of the reason was my biology, which I am now properly medicated for. This has been a great relief to me in dealing with people. Then, I really had to look at myself and ask, "How mature am I, really?" Dealing with children has been helpful to me in this regard. We speak nicely and calmly and lovingly to children, but we often speak very harshly and judgmentally when we speak to those damn men who are irritating the s*&$ out of us and damn it, they deserve it! Nah. Since understanding that some people are just not as enlightened as many of we women are, I have learned that the most mature way for me to deal with those people is to speak in a tone and with the understanding that they are just "not there yet." Of course, they may NEVER get there, but that is not really my business.

Of course this has only been my understanding of myself, what I chose to do about it, what I chose to see and learn. Your journey may be different. Your issues may be different than mine. Perhaps you have no underlying biological issues such as mental illness, alcoholism, thyroid disease, etc., that prevent you from seeing things as they are. Perhaps you have plenty of self-worth in relationships with men, but you just have difficulty verbalizing what you want. Of course you should investigate why you might be this way so that you can change yourself. Just try not to let the reason why stop you. A lot of times we find out why and use it as an excuse because it is scary and hard to change. "Oh well, this is just the way I am." This attitude is a definite way to NOT grow ourselves.

I am just so happy you've begun this journey. Because once you pick up momentum, you will feel so much less pain. But keep on keepin' on.

Chrysalis123

I have a labor story too. My first child was aan 18 hour labor...emergency C-section. I became sick with an infection and was in the hospital for 5 days afterward. Very unusual as they had women in and out as fast as possible. My XAH was a ski instructor at the time and told me he must go skiing. So I spent all the days alone...and later discovered he did not have to go skiing.

Second child is induced due to the large size of the first one. I am walking around the room when my water breaks. He was on his way out of the room for some reason, and I asked him to please tell the nurse my water just broke. He was MIA for quite some time. AN hour later I am in devastating pain and the nurse can't figure out why since my water had not broken. He had "forgotten" to tell the nurse. I had dialated so fast that it was too late for an epidural and then I had to push for 3 long excruiating hours. Now I believe he went out of the room for either a drink, a joint, or both. He did look embarassed when I told the nurse he agreed to tell her but he never did apologize for that.

ellima01

OMG! I thought mine was the only one- I'm an RN- and work in a psych hospital, I am convinced his drinking has caused him to have a personality disorder. Nothing is good enough for him- he's to talented, pretty, great- to work like normal people- wow this must be pretty common.

CAAW

I hear you. I thought I was the only one.

broke

Mine husband had a psyc eval and is has this diagonsis along with antisocial. I'm new to all this. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married 5yrs. He has been an alchololic and addict of THC this whole time, also abusing Ritalin 1/2 the time. He went to a 14 day in pt. rehab and has been doing well, going to AA everday and seeing a counsolor once a week. My problem is I have always had a strong feeling he has cheated, finding things, hearing rumors, etc. Well, the day after he got home I found his list of regreats and reaf it. I knew I shouldn't but I needed clousure and I sure got it, more than I could emagine. Cheating with men, women, both, prostatutes, phone sex, searching on the internet, etc. I just can't get the out of my head, all the lies. He does not know I read this and I don't think I can tell him ever. I need healp in getting past this, I feel I was in this made up in my head marriage for 10 years. Please help me

Still Waters

You really aren't supposed to read those broke

Do you want to get past it so you can continue to live with a man who would lie to you like that?

broke

I know it was the wrong thing to do, but at the time I felt I had to know I wasn't crazy thinking these things.
That's not the man I know, it's like he's two different people.
I just want to be able to forget and move on. I'm not sure if it's him I've been in love with or hope.

Blondie

When my husband wanted to go somewhere for the weekend he would ask if it was OK with me. Usually it was because I didn't really mind. But one weekend I wasn't feeling so well and told him I'd prefer if he stayed home and helped with the kids. He did stay home, but he pouted, sulked, and threw tantrums like a four year old the whole weekend.

I found that if I did need him to stay home or do something for me I would get the same treatment. I got the message (he trained me good didn't he) that if he didn't get his way or I needed something he didn't want to give me (usually the case 98% of the time) he would treat me to his little "moods" for the weekend or more. It was just easier to keep the peace if I told him it was OK with me if he goes. After some years of this though, I discovered I no longer wanted him around anyway. I will be honest and say that I do not miss him at all. Not one bit!

boocatgirl

Five months into my pregnancy, my baby's daddy drops off of the planet. Our daughter's due date was June 12. So, I'm plugging along, alone, 39 with my first pregancy, and my baby ends up coming three weeks early. My water breaks, I take a shower, drive myself to the hospital, and if it weren't for my best friend, would have given birth competely alone.

Six days later, went through a horrendous 4 days in the NICU where my daughter almost lost her life. That all turned out ok, but was a living night mare at the time.

On June 12, guess who calls to see if baby has arrived? Guess who to this day resents me because I didn't find some way to notify him about her birth so he could be there. Um, for one I didn't know where he was, and for two, um, he left without checking in with me once. Not exactly an invitation to family town.

What an interesting planet he lives on. You know, where nothing you do effects anyone else and what everyone does is to serve only you.

Thanks everyone for the thread. I was slipping into codie habits this past week, and at although I have caught myself... feel like I took 5 steps back. Interesting to remember my daughters birth...I know, you wonder, how could I forget that? Makes me wonder -- do people really ever change? To be specific, do Alcoholics ever really change?

GiveLove

Lots do. Lots don't. The important thing is that WE change - into someone who is no longer willing to accept that kind of abuse, not even for a minute, not from anyone.

Once you've decided that, they can be whatever psychological mishmash they want to be. As long as it's somewhere besides our airspace.

Electa

Hello Bluejay:

I was awed by your message. It was so insightful and instructive and helped me so much. Your words truly provided me with an epiphany!

To explain: I have been struggling to understand how our adult daughter (age 27) can be so self-centered in so many shameful, astonishing ways. We did not raise her to be this way, being careful to cultivate a strong sense of morality and ethics in her as we raised her. Yet, we (and especially I) have had to grapple with the very direct evidence that she IS self-centered, IS inconsiderate of our feelings, IS superficial and manipulative, IS deceitful, IS sponging off of others financially and emotionally, and IS mired in a bog of inertia in which she's been lodged for the past three years. As she hurts us time and time again, I've wondered whether this is purposeful or not (she once loved us intensely) and have concluded that our wounds are more like collateral damage; she knows not (nor cares not) what she does.

One of the things that has come to my mind IS narcissism, and you have helped me to understand that it is likely her addiction, rather than an innate personality disorder, that has caused her to become this way.

She acts, and thinks like a child. Three years ago she nearly killed herself, falling down a flight of stairs in a drunken stupor. She sustained at least some brain damage as a result (for instance, her optic nerve was damaged), and I have seriously wondered if she suffered some intellectual loss following the incident, she has acted so (let me be frank) stupidly.

But, I'm learning, from my participation in these forums and from postings from such wise folk as yourself, that it is most likely addiction, not retardation, that I'm observing.

Once again, thanks for your wise, and immensely helpful post.

Electa

Electa

Hello Give Love:

Great, just great. I should post your words on my refrigerator!

Electa