I think my AH is also a narcissist. Anyone have a AH who is a Narcissist?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I think my AH is also a narcissist. Anyone have a AH who is a Narcissist?
In the process of me becoming healthy I am recognizing new things that in the past I would not recognize.
I am beginning to think my AH is also a Narcissist.
Not only does he put alcohol before me and the children he also puts, fishing, hunting, golf, hockey, and whatever else he wants to do for himself.
We seem to always be towards the bottom of his list of importance.
My one of many examples. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was extremely sick. I had hyperemesis. I vomited all the time, couldn't eat ANYTHING, got extremely weak, had to go to the hospital for fluids twice, then ended up having to have a in home IV for fluids, a medicine pack in my leg for drugs that were supposed to help me with the sickness. The nurse came every three days to change my IV needle, and I had to change the med pump needle myself every three days. I made it to work sometimes. Half the time I barely could take a shower and get dressed. There were times I just wanted to die or felt like I was. I was miserable.
So now to my AH. It was hunting season during that sick period of my pregnancy. My AH is obsessed with hunting, but mostly bow hunting deer. Our son was around 20 months old at the time.
My AH wanted to go hunting. He said he wouldn't go if I wanted to stay, but I knew if I told him to stay he would be a baby and mean the whole time he was home. I was an idiot and told him go ahead and go. He had no problem with that. This happened on multiple occasions during hunting season and that part of my pregnancy. He left me home with a toddler 20mths old. A med pump in my leg and IV line. As I stated in my previous post. 1. What kind of a husband would even ask if its okay to go. 2. What wife would say yeah go ahead and go. (well I did)
This situation along with many others are now leading me to believe he is not only a AH he is a Narcissist.
Anyone out there have similar situation?
I am beginning to think my AH is also a Narcissist.
Not only does he put alcohol before me and the children he also puts, fishing, hunting, golf, hockey, and whatever else he wants to do for himself.
We seem to always be towards the bottom of his list of importance.
My one of many examples. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was extremely sick. I had hyperemesis. I vomited all the time, couldn't eat ANYTHING, got extremely weak, had to go to the hospital for fluids twice, then ended up having to have a in home IV for fluids, a medicine pack in my leg for drugs that were supposed to help me with the sickness. The nurse came every three days to change my IV needle, and I had to change the med pump needle myself every three days. I made it to work sometimes. Half the time I barely could take a shower and get dressed. There were times I just wanted to die or felt like I was. I was miserable.
So now to my AH. It was hunting season during that sick period of my pregnancy. My AH is obsessed with hunting, but mostly bow hunting deer. Our son was around 20 months old at the time.
My AH wanted to go hunting. He said he wouldn't go if I wanted to stay, but I knew if I told him to stay he would be a baby and mean the whole time he was home. I was an idiot and told him go ahead and go. He had no problem with that. This happened on multiple occasions during hunting season and that part of my pregnancy. He left me home with a toddler 20mths old. A med pump in my leg and IV line. As I stated in my previous post. 1. What kind of a husband would even ask if its okay to go. 2. What wife would say yeah go ahead and go. (well I did)
This situation along with many others are now leading me to believe he is not only a AH he is a Narcissist.
Anyone out there have similar situation?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
For what it is worth, I put my exabf's needs ahead of mine most of the time. He did nice things for me as it suited him, but his needs always came first. I allowed that dynamic as I thought that we would get around to me. Years later I returned to school and he was at first supportive and then angry by this. In his mind I was leaving him or rejecting him by going back to school.
I don't know whether he is a narcisist or not, early on in recovery I did think about that. Not anymore though. Because, regardless of whether he is or not, it has no bearing on me now. He is what he is and I am what I am. I had no control over him. I can only control me.
I don't know whether he is a narcisist or not, early on in recovery I did think about that. Not anymore though. Because, regardless of whether he is or not, it has no bearing on me now. He is what he is and I am what I am. I had no control over him. I can only control me.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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CAAW,
What I see from your posts is his behavior has not changed. He has always put himself and his needs first. He did that when you first married, you accepted him as he was/is.
You were his enabler. Now you don't want to be his enabler anymore. You have changed and decided to put your needs and your children's needs a little higher on the scale of priorities.
Your list of priorities is clashing with his list of priorities. He did not change his list. You changed yours.
I am very sorry that you did not have the support you wanted from your husband during your difficult pregnancy. Your resentment towards him is because of your expectation of him. He asked you if you wanted him to stay and care for you. You gave up your needs and put his needs first. How can you expect a different outcome?
Part of my personal recovery involves accepting responsibility for my actions. What message was I sending? Was I clear in my expectations? Can I forgive myself for my mistakes? Can I forgive others for not being what I wanted them to be? Can I set them free to be themselves?
You have been hurt deeply. You need to take care of yourself and prevent yourself from being hurt again.
What I see from your posts is his behavior has not changed. He has always put himself and his needs first. He did that when you first married, you accepted him as he was/is.
You were his enabler. Now you don't want to be his enabler anymore. You have changed and decided to put your needs and your children's needs a little higher on the scale of priorities.
Your list of priorities is clashing with his list of priorities. He did not change his list. You changed yours.
I am very sorry that you did not have the support you wanted from your husband during your difficult pregnancy. Your resentment towards him is because of your expectation of him. He asked you if you wanted him to stay and care for you. You gave up your needs and put his needs first. How can you expect a different outcome?
Part of my personal recovery involves accepting responsibility for my actions. What message was I sending? Was I clear in my expectations? Can I forgive myself for my mistakes? Can I forgive others for not being what I wanted them to be? Can I set them free to be themselves?
You have been hurt deeply. You need to take care of yourself and prevent yourself from being hurt again.
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Hi CAAW,
There's a difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (a mental disorder which is very difficult to treat, if at all) and someone with narcissistic tendencies.
By definition addicts are narcissistic because they put their needs ahead of everyone else's. They may love their children, but their children do not outrank their addiction. They may love their spouses, but their spouses lose, too. And so on.
This disease-driven self-centeredness spills over into many parts of their lives, and in AA circles, active alcoholics are sometimes referred to as King Baby. (In a high chair, demanding to be fed).
Addiction also stunts emotional growth and the ability to delay gratification and to sacrifice one's immediate desires for a higher good--the welfare of loved ones, for example. Learning to sacrifice is not incorporated as they mature, for in fact, they are not maturing at all.
Is your husband narcissistic? A definite yes.
Is it curable?
If he does not have the psychological disorder, yes it is.
The 12 Steps of AA, when thoroughly practiced, ALL TWELVE of them, is a very good structure for gaining maturity and insight which was lost over the years through numbing out to life issues.
If he does not get sober by working a program of spiritual growth and maturity.....well, nothing will substantially change, in my opinion.
Your ability to endure through such challenges as you have faced is amazing.
I hope for you life becomes easier. And you get a sober husband and a mature helpmate with whom to live out your years.
Stay connected.
Bluejay
There's a difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder (a mental disorder which is very difficult to treat, if at all) and someone with narcissistic tendencies.
By definition addicts are narcissistic because they put their needs ahead of everyone else's. They may love their children, but their children do not outrank their addiction. They may love their spouses, but their spouses lose, too. And so on.
This disease-driven self-centeredness spills over into many parts of their lives, and in AA circles, active alcoholics are sometimes referred to as King Baby. (In a high chair, demanding to be fed).
Addiction also stunts emotional growth and the ability to delay gratification and to sacrifice one's immediate desires for a higher good--the welfare of loved ones, for example. Learning to sacrifice is not incorporated as they mature, for in fact, they are not maturing at all.
Is your husband narcissistic? A definite yes.
Is it curable?
If he does not have the psychological disorder, yes it is.
The 12 Steps of AA, when thoroughly practiced, ALL TWELVE of them, is a very good structure for gaining maturity and insight which was lost over the years through numbing out to life issues.
If he does not get sober by working a program of spiritual growth and maturity.....well, nothing will substantially change, in my opinion.
Your ability to endure through such challenges as you have faced is amazing.
I hope for you life becomes easier. And you get a sober husband and a mature helpmate with whom to live out your years.
Stay connected.
Bluejay
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Yes. My STXAH is the same way.
When I was in the hospital bed waiting on the next contraction, I was left alone by my husband (nobody was there at all while I waited to dialate fully and the pain was a lot worse then the first time) who decided to take a nap on the couch in the room. I was in really bad pain and all my husband could do was bark orders at me like "next time the nurse comes in tell her I need a blanket." He also got mad when I had morning sickness and would come into the bathroom as I was throwing up wanting to know what was for breakfast.
My list could go on and on.
Finally after years of fluctuating between a dry drunk and active alcoholism I left him. I just realized one day that if I didn't get out I would end up like his mother (whose husband dropped her off at the emergency room and left her there to be treated for her heart attack she was having).
When I was in the hospital bed waiting on the next contraction, I was left alone by my husband (nobody was there at all while I waited to dialate fully and the pain was a lot worse then the first time) who decided to take a nap on the couch in the room. I was in really bad pain and all my husband could do was bark orders at me like "next time the nurse comes in tell her I need a blanket." He also got mad when I had morning sickness and would come into the bathroom as I was throwing up wanting to know what was for breakfast.
My list could go on and on.
Finally after years of fluctuating between a dry drunk and active alcoholism I left him. I just realized one day that if I didn't get out I would end up like his mother (whose husband dropped her off at the emergency room and left her there to be treated for her heart attack she was having).
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I believe my husband is. Even when he was in recovery at the beginning of our relationship he was 'off'. I mean he was fine until the wedding. Then all bets where off. Once he knew he had me a light switch flipped in his mind and all hell broke loose. It was like a dated the lovable Dr. Jekyll and married the monster Mr. Hyde. That was even before he started drinking again.
Now I don't even bother talking to him about stuff. It's like being a single mom/mistress. That's how I'm treated. He sees nothing wrong with it. He even thinks he a wonderful loving husband and a great guy. He tells me that all the time. Sure buddy!!! He told me once that if I left I would come crawling back. I always think that when I finally get out of here... I'm never looking back!!!! He's in for quite a shock!!!
Edit: There is some mental illness in his family tree also that leads me to think even sober he would always be a mental case and a jerk.
Now I don't even bother talking to him about stuff. It's like being a single mom/mistress. That's how I'm treated. He sees nothing wrong with it. He even thinks he a wonderful loving husband and a great guy. He tells me that all the time. Sure buddy!!! He told me once that if I left I would come crawling back. I always think that when I finally get out of here... I'm never looking back!!!! He's in for quite a shock!!!
Edit: There is some mental illness in his family tree also that leads me to think even sober he would always be a mental case and a jerk.
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To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Is your husband a narcissist? What if there were no such word to define him? What if, instead of trying to put a label on who or what he IS, try to look at your expectations of him.
Are you really still dumbfounded and hurt that your husband left you in such condition, with a 20 mo. old, to go hunting? What if he were dead? Then what? Would you have any reason to be hurt that he had gone off and died and left you in such condition with a 20 mo. old? What if he wasn't your husband at all but someone else?
The kind who wants to go hunting.
The kind that lets him go.
It doesn't matter "what kind." The human kind. It doesn't matter what you CALL it. Try not to get caught up in labels and words.
Are you really still dumbfounded and hurt that your husband left you in such condition, with a 20 mo. old, to go hunting? What if he were dead? Then what? Would you have any reason to be hurt that he had gone off and died and left you in such condition with a 20 mo. old? What if he wasn't your husband at all but someone else?
1. What kind of a husband would even ask if its okay to go.
2. What wife would say yeah go ahead and go.
It doesn't matter "what kind." The human kind. It doesn't matter what you CALL it. Try not to get caught up in labels and words.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
I think narcissism and addiction tend to go hand and hand. My AH is a definate narcissist. His doctor's have said so. He goes balistic every time he hears the word. He knows what it means. I was about the only word I could say to him to make him stop dead in his tracks when he would rant about how crazy I was, how sick I was to accuse him of using, how pathetic I was because I didn't have an identity apart from him.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Is your husband a narcissist? What if there were no such word to define him? What if, instead of trying to put a label on who or what he IS, try to look at your expectations of him.
Are you really still dumbfounded and hurt that your husband left you in such condition, with a 20 mo. old, to go hunting? What if he were dead? Then what? Would you have any reason to be hurt that he had gone off and died and left you in such condition with a 20 mo. old? What if he wasn't your husband at all but someone else?
The kind who wants to go hunting.
The kind that lets him go.
It doesn't matter "what kind." The human kind. It doesn't matter what you CALL it. Try not to get caught up in labels and words.
Are you really still dumbfounded and hurt that your husband left you in such condition, with a 20 mo. old, to go hunting? What if he were dead? Then what? Would you have any reason to be hurt that he had gone off and died and left you in such condition with a 20 mo. old? What if he wasn't your husband at all but someone else?
The kind who wants to go hunting.
The kind that lets him go.
It doesn't matter "what kind." The human kind. It doesn't matter what you CALL it. Try not to get caught up in labels and words.
I know I wouldn't leave him home with our son in that type of condition. Another part is I am carrying his baby!
Another part of this is:
I got an instant unhealthy "pay off" for letting him go instead of asking him to stay home or telling him when he asks that I want him to stay and not go.
The "pay off" is that I don't have to deal with him being a baby or being mean to me when he does stay home.
So dammed if I do dammed if I don't.
It's a little DEEPER than "because he wants to go hunting" and "the kind that lets him go" response you noted.
I know by telling him to go I gave mixed signals. How can I be mad at him if I told him to go. AGAIN UNHEALTHY.
I am reading Dr. Phil's book "Life Strategies"
One lesson: "You create your own experience"
Another Lesson "You train people how to treat you"
I've trained my AH how to treat me. I know this. I have allowed him to treat me this way. It is my fault because I ALLOW it.
I am making steps to change ME and my behavior.
In reply to the "label" comment. It's not really about the label. It's about trying to understand why I am the way I am, why he is the way he is, why I've allowed myself to be treated this way, and why I feel the way I feel.
It helps me understand and absorb where I was in life and why, where I am in life and why, where I am headed, and where I want to be.
I think the labels and definitions of things helps break it down into categories and easier to digest.
Anyway, no matter what you LABEL it, it is still a mess and not healthy. It is also very overwhelming and scary. Maybe me defining things is a way of facing what really is. Looking at the CLEAR reality.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
I'm sorry to hear of your husbands behavior and that he isn't really supporting you. It's hard enough when you're alone, but when you have kids together, you need that support even more!
My exABF is definitely a narcissist. I just didn't want to realize it, or believe my needs actually count too!, until we broke up.
I remember back in Nov, thru the magic of Facebook, my younger sister contacted me. It was a big deal! I had estranged myself from my family in 1995 due to the severity of the dysfunction due to alcoholism, just left and didn't tell them where I went, and had had no contact with them in 15 years!! And here she was contacting me. I was shocked and it brought up a whole slew of emotions. The first time I talked to her on the phone was from his house, and when I came back into the livingroom after the call, he barely acknowledged what I was going through. XGames was on TV. I got a "glad you got to talk to your sis" as he focused on the TV from the recliner. I called my best friend from his couch to talk about it. He wasn't really even interested and to me this was HUGE!! Never asked about it after either.
The best one was when he was breaking up with me and made me truly see how much of a narcissist he is. He was cheating on me, had completely cut me out emotionally after just 2 days before telling me he loved me and I was his best friend, sending me packing with a trashbag of my stuff and yelled at me while I was heading to my car: "I had a girlfriend who slept with my boss you know!!!" Like his behavior was okay and my feelings didn't matter. He also asked me during this conversation why I took so long to tell him I loved him (while he was breaking up with me to switch to the girl he was cheating on me with).
We both deserve better than this.....
My exABF is definitely a narcissist. I just didn't want to realize it, or believe my needs actually count too!, until we broke up.
I remember back in Nov, thru the magic of Facebook, my younger sister contacted me. It was a big deal! I had estranged myself from my family in 1995 due to the severity of the dysfunction due to alcoholism, just left and didn't tell them where I went, and had had no contact with them in 15 years!! And here she was contacting me. I was shocked and it brought up a whole slew of emotions. The first time I talked to her on the phone was from his house, and when I came back into the livingroom after the call, he barely acknowledged what I was going through. XGames was on TV. I got a "glad you got to talk to your sis" as he focused on the TV from the recliner. I called my best friend from his couch to talk about it. He wasn't really even interested and to me this was HUGE!! Never asked about it after either.
The best one was when he was breaking up with me and made me truly see how much of a narcissist he is. He was cheating on me, had completely cut me out emotionally after just 2 days before telling me he loved me and I was his best friend, sending me packing with a trashbag of my stuff and yelled at me while I was heading to my car: "I had a girlfriend who slept with my boss you know!!!" Like his behavior was okay and my feelings didn't matter. He also asked me during this conversation why I took so long to tell him I loved him (while he was breaking up with me to switch to the girl he was cheating on me with).
We both deserve better than this.....
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
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Alcoholism is a selfish disease all in itself ....and there are so many labels and names we can call it but one thing is for certain.....its still insanity....whats the definition of insanity??
Repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result.
Yup... call it what you want but its still INSANITY.
Janitw
Repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting to get a different result.
Yup... call it what you want but its still INSANITY.
Janitw
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Yep, mine too. My counselor says he's pretty far up the continuum on the scale from tendencies to full blown disorder.....she did meet him as well as what I've shared in my sessions. Does it matter that he has a label? No, not really, but it does remind me when I start to go crazy and react that it's all part of HIS illness. Be that alcoholism, narcissim, or both.
By the way....I have pictures of him when I'm in labor in the recliner in the birthing room with a cozy blanket, reading a book. He also went right home after I had our first baby because he wasn't going to sleep on one of those uncomfortable cots they have at the hospital. What's up with the labor stories?! I thought it was normal, what all husbands/fathers did. Boy was I wrong.
By the way....I have pictures of him when I'm in labor in the recliner in the birthing room with a cozy blanket, reading a book. He also went right home after I had our first baby because he wasn't going to sleep on one of those uncomfortable cots they have at the hospital. What's up with the labor stories?! I thought it was normal, what all husbands/fathers did. Boy was I wrong.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
They say that if a narcissist is also an alcoholic there is no real way to tell if he's actually a "genuine" narcissist. The behaviors of both manifest themselves so similarly. Sometimes it's an alcoholic and a narcissist. And sometimes it's just an alcoholic with narcissistic tendencies when he's drinking.
That's why I think some sober alcoholics do a complete 180 once they stop drinking and some just... don't. Because that is point blank who he is, sober or not.
I fell for my ex when he was sober and I used to tell myself that he wasn't a narcissist then, but the more I think back on our relationship, the more I see that it could go either way.
That's why I think some sober alcoholics do a complete 180 once they stop drinking and some just... don't. Because that is point blank who he is, sober or not.
I fell for my ex when he was sober and I used to tell myself that he wasn't a narcissist then, but the more I think back on our relationship, the more I see that it could go either way.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
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Hell no !!! My husband wouldn't have done something like that and I wouldn't ever had said yes to that!!!
I don't know about narcissistic , not enough info to have an opinion, but i have enough info to say self centered selfish jerk!!!
Glad to see you recognize saying yes was your issue. :-) Dang girl, that is some deep selfish behavior to deal with, live with! Keep standing up for yourself ! Yes, saying yes to stuff like that is as bad as his asking and going.
love tammy
I don't know about narcissistic , not enough info to have an opinion, but i have enough info to say self centered selfish jerk!!!
Glad to see you recognize saying yes was your issue. :-) Dang girl, that is some deep selfish behavior to deal with, live with! Keep standing up for yourself ! Yes, saying yes to stuff like that is as bad as his asking and going.
love tammy
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I wholeheartedly agree with EVERYTHING you are saying here and in fact have said ALL these things myself. But I'd like to point out a few things that I see in your posts and try to show you how new perspectives have helped me. I'd also like to say up front that I see that your feelings are absolutely "correct"! and you are JUSTIFIED in everything you are saying and feeling. I obviously am not you, so I can't know where you are in your Recovery and Relationships. I can only give my feedback to what you write in relation to where I was when I wrote and spoke those kinds of things. I don't presume to know that much about you.
First, I strongly recommend Al-Anon, BEFORE Dr. Phil, especially if you are in the beginning stages or your Recovery. Second, pelase understand that the language that we know and use defines our perceptions. That is part of the reason we all read so many Self-Help books. We are looking for new words to describe what is happening to us. This helps reduce our negative feelings. But once we learn those words, we often use them as labels. Labeling becomes a habit, and then we lose the ability to see things from newer perspectives. Anyway, here goes:
I've numbered some words in your post for ease of reference. My comments to each are below the paragraph:
1. OK, I gotta say first: Look at how you wrote 'He should know BETTER', but you slipped and said 'He should know BEER!' LOL. That is TOO funny! Anyway, He should know better but he doesn't. When you find yourself using the word "should" that is a clue that YOU have expectations that are not being met. This is also magical thinking; that he should be someone he just isn't. People don't change because you want them to. People change because they see a reason to that is of personal benefit to them.
2. You thought, yes, YOU thought. But he is not a mind reader. Magical thinking. You are justifiably hurt by his words and behavior but this hurt is holding you back from asking for what you want and need.
3. Any decent person. You are judging another person. Just because he is "your" husband does not make judging someone else a healthy behavior for you. You do not own him, therefore, his thoughts and behavior are out of your control. You are saying he is not a decent person because of the way he is "treating you." You see his behavior in terms of ITS relation to YOU.
4. "Would" also infers that you expect him to read your mind.
5. Make the "correct" judgment. He didn't make the "correct" judgment because he is operating out of his OWN self, his OWN needs, his OWN wants. "Correct" from my perspective is not the same as "Correct" from another person's perspective.
6. That is messed up. Another judgment of another person's behavior from your own perspective. Obviously not from his. Changing another person's perspective is so very hard.
Yep, that's where I am too. "Enough already, get out of my life. I would rather do this alone than have to do this with you making everything so much more difficult!!!"
I understood that that's how you feel but I don't really agree and am trying to point that out. My last name literally means "DEEP." I am so overly analytical that sometimes, seriously, I want to shoot myself in the head to get it to stop. I have had to teach myself how to STEP BACK, out of the mire, out of the deepness of EVERY SINGLE THING that happens in my life, and realize Life is so much more simple than we ALL make it.
Dear Dr. Phil: This is not an absolute truth. EVERYTHING around us creates our own experience, including ourselves. If we created our own experience entirely, then why in the hell do we have the planet, the universe, and all these damn people around us? Honestly dude, this is NOT The Matrix.
Sorry Dr. Phil, nice perspective to try to sell books but I don't agree. A PERSON is NOT a DOG. Plus, this perspective is JUST THE OPPOSITE of the one above (YOU create your own experience). People operate out of themselves. You really have less effect on other people's behavior than you know.
This is GREAT! I am so very glad you have begun on this journey. But as I say throughout this post, to change your behavior, you first change your perspectives. That's why we all come here to SR, to share and get new perspectives.
This IS very deep. But I have driven myself CRAZY trying to understand why, why, why. I'm like a 5-year old why, why, why. See #1-6 above for the answers I have found WHY, over the course of the last 12 years of my life. I'm not saying I'm "right" and everyone else is "wrong"-Take what you like and leave the rest.
First, I strongly recommend Al-Anon, BEFORE Dr. Phil, especially if you are in the beginning stages or your Recovery. Second, pelase understand that the language that we know and use defines our perceptions. That is part of the reason we all read so many Self-Help books. We are looking for new words to describe what is happening to us. This helps reduce our negative feelings. But once we learn those words, we often use them as labels. Labeling becomes a habit, and then we lose the ability to see things from newer perspectives. Anyway, here goes:
I've numbered some words in your post for ease of reference. My comments to each are below the paragraph:
Okay, first off, don't know if I can say I was dumbfounded, but HECK yeah the "normal" "healthy" part of me was like "well, if he has the nerve to ask if he should/shouldn't go" then why do I want him to stay" So I say "go ahead and go" HE 1. SHOULD KNOW BEER! I guess 2. I THOUGHT Any 3. decent person 4. would 5. make the correct judgement and stay home reguardless of what I said or didn't say. So yeah, it did suprise me that he ACTUALLY went. 6. That is MESSED UP!
2. You thought, yes, YOU thought. But he is not a mind reader. Magical thinking. You are justifiably hurt by his words and behavior but this hurt is holding you back from asking for what you want and need.
3. Any decent person. You are judging another person. Just because he is "your" husband does not make judging someone else a healthy behavior for you. You do not own him, therefore, his thoughts and behavior are out of your control. You are saying he is not a decent person because of the way he is "treating you." You see his behavior in terms of ITS relation to YOU.
4. "Would" also infers that you expect him to read your mind.
5. Make the "correct" judgment. He didn't make the "correct" judgment because he is operating out of his OWN self, his OWN needs, his OWN wants. "Correct" from my perspective is not the same as "Correct" from another person's perspective.
6. That is messed up. Another judgment of another person's behavior from your own perspective. Obviously not from his. Changing another person's perspective is so very hard.
The "pay off" is that I don't have to deal with him being a baby or being mean to me when he does stay home. So dammed if I do dammed if I don't.
It's a little DEEPER than "because he wants to go hunting" and "the kind that lets him go" response you noted.
One lesson: "You create your own experience"
Another Lesson "You train people how to treat you"
I've trained my AH how to treat me. I know this. I have allowed him to treat me this way. It is my fault because I ALLOW it.
I've trained my AH how to treat me. I know this. I have allowed him to treat me this way. It is my fault because I ALLOW it.
I am making steps to change ME and my behavior.
In reply to the "label" comment. It's not really about the label. It's about trying to understand why I am the way I am, why he is the way he is, why I've allowed myself to be treated this way, and why I feel the way I feel.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
First, I strongly recommend Al-Anon, BEFORE Dr. Phil, especially if you are in the beginning stages or your Recovery. Second, pelase understand that the language that we know and use defines our perceptions. That is part of the reason we all read so many Self-Help books. We are looking for new words to describe what is happening to us. This helps reduce our negative feelings. But once we learn those words, we often use them as labels. Labeling becomes a habit, and then we lose the ability to see things from newer perspectives. Anyway, here goes:
1. OK, I gotta say first: Look at how you wrote 'He should know BETTER', but you slipped and said 'He should know BEER!' LOL. That is TOO funny!
Yep, that's where I am too. "Enough already, get out of my life. I would rather do this alone than have to do this with you making everything so much more difficult!!!"
Dear Dr. Phil: This is not an absolute truth. EVERYTHING around us creates our own experience, including ourselves. If we created our own experience entirely, then why in the hell do we have the planet, the universe, and all these damn people around us? Honestly dude, this is NOT The Matrix.
Sorry Dr. Phil, nice perspective to try to sell books but I don't agree. A PERSON is NOT a DOG. Plus, this perspective is JUST THE OPPOSITE of the one above (YOU create your own experience). People operate out of themselves. You really have less effect on other people's behavior than you know.
This is GREAT! I am so very glad you have begun on this journey. But as I say throughout this post, to change your behavior, you first change your perspectives. That's why we all come here to SR, to share and get new perspectives.
1. OK, I gotta say first: Look at how you wrote 'He should know BETTER', but you slipped and said 'He should know BEER!' LOL. That is TOO funny!
Yep, that's where I am too. "Enough already, get out of my life. I would rather do this alone than have to do this with you making everything so much more difficult!!!"
Dear Dr. Phil: This is not an absolute truth. EVERYTHING around us creates our own experience, including ourselves. If we created our own experience entirely, then why in the hell do we have the planet, the universe, and all these damn people around us? Honestly dude, this is NOT The Matrix.
Sorry Dr. Phil, nice perspective to try to sell books but I don't agree. A PERSON is NOT a DOG. Plus, this perspective is JUST THE OPPOSITE of the one above (YOU create your own experience). People operate out of themselves. You really have less effect on other people's behavior than you know.
This is GREAT! I am so very glad you have begun on this journey. But as I say throughout this post, to change your behavior, you first change your perspectives. That's why we all come here to SR, to share and get new perspectives.
I am starting to see the error in my ways. I can't change anyone but myself. You are correct. He cannot read my mind. Those are my expectations in my head. He thinks differently. So again I can only change my responses and see how he reacts. RIGHT?
Anyway, thanks again.
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