FreeingMyself

I left on Friday and stayed with my parents on that evening, came back briefly Saturday evening to sleep, and went to church w/ my family this morning and swam all day. It was a great weekend! When I got home, It was more of the same. I am trying to maintain a cordial relationship, but he doesn't even seem to want to do that - there is only anger because I left for the weekend. I tried to talk about things with him, but it is like talking to a wall, with only accusations and anger. I don't understand this!!! Why can't we even communicate anymore....there is NO conversing with him! He says I am running away from the problems, not true....I just feel that space in what we need. I told him that for the mental health of myself, him and the kids that I think we need a break. He told me that he can't believe I would involve other people (my family) in our marriage, but I feel like I had no choice. The hurt and pain that I feel from the things that have happened are unbearable and I needed to talk to someone!!! How can he ALWAYS make me feel like I am in the WRONG - and no matter what he does to me it is OK! PLease help me understand this!

Crazy4Him

He doesn't want you talking to your family and friends about him because it threatens him and his addiction. He wants you isolated from your support system so he can continue to be the one in control! Of course you need to talk to someone, and you absolutely should.

luciddreamrgrl

There is no understanding it. There is only acceptance that he thinks there is not a problem with him and his drinking. He cannot accept that there is a problem with himself, so he acts like there is a problem with you. Deflecting is very powerful.

I can remember, when I first left my XABF, I told him that I was staying with my parents for the weekend. I told him that I was going out to dinner with them and then spending the night for the weekend. His exact words to me were, "are they taking you out to celebrate you leaving me?". I was disgusted. The real reason I was with them was because I was devasted. I needed company and support. They are always willing to help me when he was not. Since he still couldn't blame me, he then blamed my parents.

I have not been able to come to grips with the anger that my XABF has for me. He has said many many mean things in text message that show not only anger, but cruelty. He once told me that he could never be with me again because he knew I would leave him. But he would be willing to let me use him for sex. WHATEVER!

There is so much more to come for you. Sometimes being "cordial" doesn't work. Sometimes complete detatchment is the only thing that will help you keep your sanity. I would suggest this in your case, if you are ready for it.

blessed4x

I stopped talking to angry walls. I started working on me and enjoying my kids and NOT engaging in the drama. What I discovered was that the healthier I got, the angrier and sicker (even though he was not drinking) STBXAH got. It's the normal progression of things from what I understand.

Now at my house, all I have are happy walls, that room by room are getting painted in any damn color I choose!

Chrysalis123

If a crazy stranger came up to me on the street and accused me of something I did not do, I would let the comment roll off my back. I would walk away, continue my day, and not give a thought to what that person accused me of.

Well, I have finally come to that place with my XAH! I view him as that person on the street. He throws things my way but I try not to catch them and not throw them back at him.

He cannot control how I feel or react. I get to do that. It was a long hard process for me to not let his quacking bother me anymore and I slipped a lot. I'm not 100% with it but am so much better and stronger. Individual counseling and Alanon helped me.

MycoolFitz

Alcoholics and addicts have a brain disease, a mind disease,a feeling disease, a perception disease, a DIS-EASE of life. A craving for things to be other than they are, its why us addicts/alcoholics create our on reality. We crave not only the drug but for our lives to be not what we perceive or misperceive them to be. From this craving arises sorrow and from craving arises fear. In our sorrow and fear comes our pain. When we try to medicate or numb our pain chemically, we become addicted. When we try to smother it in the comfort or need or possessiveness of our family and friends we smother the love of family and friends.

Don't jump into the raging waters of addiction if you don't know how to swim. You can care about others but not care for them, that they must do, including surrendering and reaching out.

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."
Sharon Salzberg

FreeingMyself

Blessed4x-
How did your kids adjust? I have a baby daughter and he was laying it on THICK last night about all he is going to miss...how people who seperate usually end up divorcing etc. The only thing I could say was...did you think about that when you were doing what you were doing?

gerryP

When I was in my drinking career, I didn't have a spouse who had to put up with my antics, to put it mildly. My family though were fed up, sick and tired and done with me. I, in my deluded state didn't know what the fuss was all about. I knew things weren't great, but Jeeze Louise, ya'll sound like broken records. The craziness of it all, utter delusion.

As heart wrenching this is, broken promises, broken dreams, I hope you can dig deep within yourselves and find that sense and being of empowerment. I know you all have it, you just have to find it. Please try to find it and move forward to new beginnings so you can finally live the life you all deserve. Easy for me to say I know, but when I think back on my drinking days, I never want to feel that way again and I won't. I now have something to compare what is to what was.

Fear is our worst enemy and often our choices and decisions are fueled by it.

Startingover2

I get the same thing....he says he has missed so much of baby's first year. Yeah, he has missed most everything. But they were by his own choices. I didn't force him to drink and cheat. He did! Yet, he still blames me. He isn't going to get it, and even if he does he will still blame you because its easier.

Tell him to take his pity party elsewhere.