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I'm a quitter?

Old 07-01-2009, 02:30 PM
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I'm a quitter?

Apparently, I am a quitter...according to AH. He says this because we are catholic and he knows how strongly I feel about divorce...he relates this to me stating that if he goes back to drinking and things go back to how they were, that I will leave. So I am a quitter. I quickly reminded him that he has the choice of whether or not to drink, and that I have simply given him the consequences to his actions. This never goes over well...he things I am threatening him. However, I have always reminded him that when we were married I know the priest used the words honor and cherish....well if you have read any of my previous posts then you know that these are two words he must not have heard. Anyway, I have been working on me, and I am feeling more like the strong ME that I have always been...the fog and insanity of what my life became is clearing and I am finally seeing things for what they are. He told me he wants me to go back to normal - well the normal he wants is not going to happen....I feel like he needs me to be caught up in his anger and views in order to be happy, and I am DONE with that. While quitting drinking, he has not really bought in to the fact that anything else needs to be changed...last night he accused me of cheating again...(right as if I have time or energy for that). Here is what I am contemplating now...I have 4 sons and a daughter....I would NEVER allow my sons to treat anyone the way he treats me and I would absolutely die if my daughter was on the recieving end of what I have been going through....so how do I make sure they become the men I know they are. My 4 sons and I moved in with my AH only 1 1/2 years ago...and I am afraid they are going to become mean verbally and angry and aggressive. And for my daughter, who is a baby, do I want her to see her father treat me or anyone else like that...he even said last night when she was crying while he was holding her that , "look my own daughter doesn't even like me." I feel like that is mentally abusive to her already.......I love my husband, but my childrens mental health and my mental health are important to me, and what am I doing allowing them to see this?
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Old 07-01-2009, 02:59 PM
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You've asked some pretty tough questions in that post, and I believe the answers will weigh heavy on your heart. It is clear to me that as a mother you would fight hell itself to protect your children from harm. Now, I would never say your AH is devil. I would say that at the very minimum his behavior is a source of great stress for you and your children.

He has used every tactic in the book that I can think of to deflect his guilt in all this.

It all amounts to one big interpretive dance representative of his world changing around him, and he damn well doesn't like it! He's using all of the standard trappings, manipulating emotions, saying the kids are against him, calling you out as a Catholic, making the parents' concerns into some sort of judgement of him to express how all he wants to do in life is drink himself to death and to have you to run his life around him to his liking while he does it. That is my ABF's true nirvana, and when I sought recovery, he felt threatened and went through all the same crap. It's all a dance, round and round. Now my ABF continues to drink so he's too caught up in that to really go to the lengths that your AH is, but he'll get there if he tries to quit to keep me, believe me.

My only words of encouragement for you are to stop dancing with him. Stop answering his acusations. Stop responding to his anger. No matter how strong you feel with recovery, you are not strong enough to go the distance with a professional manipulator. He will wear you down. Save your strength for your children and for your recovery. Let him dance around you and wear himself out.

Alice
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Old 07-01-2009, 03:06 PM
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Yes, I've been accused by my STXAH of "walking aways from" the marriage. After I put in 18 years of "being a good wife and trying to make him happy" (doing whatever he said and "supporting him", etc, the bottomless pit of his was never filled - but I kept trying even though it was not MY job to fill that pit of his). Finally I got tired of it all, I went to al-anon, got a sponsor, a therapist, and kept coming back here. I have changed - a lot. Now I know I have choices and it is my responsibility to live my life. It is not my job to "make" someone else happy (only they can do that) or to fill their bottomless pit of need. Keep working and focusing on yourself. An alcoholic will do and say anything to get you back in line so that they can continue the addiction. There is no end to the manipulation and they will push any button they KNOW will work.

Now that I look back at the marriage, I can see that it was always a one sided marriage. Not really a marriage at all.
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Old 07-01-2009, 03:08 PM
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Totally echo Anvilhead, giving up on bad stuff is GOOD for you.

You love your husband. What do you love about him? Write a list of the stuff you love and the stuff you don't like or hate. It sometimes helps to have it written in black and white.
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Old 07-01-2009, 03:42 PM
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Hi mentallyexh, good for you for thinking about your children and yourself!!

Those are the ones I care about and truly have POTENTIAL as you say..

Cheating, and now religion.. what will be tomorrow...weight?? LOL

Keep moving forward, !! thanks your post cheered me up today
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