onlyliveonce

Hi everyone-

I've been here a while but don't post alot. I read everday on SR and have gained lots of insight from the old timers and their wisdom. For me it is sad but that's the way it is. My AH whom I will be filing for divorce from is still a homeless alcoholic/drug addict. It's disheartening that he enjoys that lifestyle but he seems to cause if he didn't he would do something about it. I am trying to decide if in the divorce to ask for child support. I realize I probably won't get it even if it is ordered but it would seem to me that he should have some responsibility towards our son. I know the CS is for son but sometimes it seems like a mute point and I'm just wondering if it's worth the time and effort.

I still find myself thinking about him alot but I guess with time that will fade and usually I try to switch my train of thought to myself or son. I refrain from calling him unless it's a medical emergency with son.

I guess one of my main problems now is fuguring out how I feel and being ok with however that is inside. I really need to get myself back to meeting and get a sponsor cause I have ALL these thoughts going around in my head and I have a hard time sorting all of it out. I'm learing new things everyday to take care of myself so I can see some changes in me but I want more good changes and don't know how to get to the place I want to be. I don't know I guess you could say I'm confused so I'll quit rambling. Any advice and prayers are appreciated.

123bubblegum123

Hey,

Thanks so much for posting. There are so many great people on SR that I'm sure you'll be satisfied with the responses. Have you tried checking out an ALANON meeting? You can find a local listing of meetings in your area and I feel you would greatly benefit from that! One of the best ways of coping with losing someone you care about is to reach out to friends and family that you trust. You need to make yourself whole again without having him in your life. I'll be praying for you! Stay safe and know that everything will be okay, with or without your AH in your life.

Rach

onlyliveonce

Thank you anvil for responding. I can always depend on you to put in in perspective. I guess it's just not happening as fast as I wanted or maybe I am closer than I think I just can't see it. I can feel it a little bit in the way I'm changing my thinking and all. Maybe I'm just having a bum day for no reason at all. I am so trying to just live in the moment and feel how I feel and let it be what it is. I'm ready to do the hard work just don't know where to start with myself.

I have also decided to sign our son up with Big Brothers. He really needs a positive male role model in his life. When I told his dad that he said to me " yea that sounds like a good idea". I felt like ripping his alcohol filled head off. Felt like saying " you dumba** you are SUPPOSED to be his positive role model and you failed at that". UUUGGGGHHH!!
I am so glad I don't have to deal with him much anymore. All I can take of him is about 30 minutes then I gotta go!!!!!! I really have no one to be mad at but myself cause I picked the piece of s**t to have a son with so what do ya do. I would not give up son for anything but just wished I'd picked a better person to be his father. He so deserves that. Maybe I'm angry at myself today for all the mistakes I made in the past. Can't ever go back and change those. I think I'm just gonna go to my car at lunch and have a good cry and I don't even know why I'm crying. I'll just be glad when today is over!!

GiveLove

It helps me a lot, on my worst days, to examine all the facts and see if there's another reason why I'm not coping as well as usual. The usual suspects in my life are: lack of good sleep, eating cr@ppy food, too much salt (blood pressure spikes), no fresh air and sunshine, not moving my body enough, not enough B vitamins, too much alcohol myself, hormones. Then I attack the thing itself, and in the next day or two I can usually see an improvement.

But aside from those mechanical things you can try to tinker with, there is also the fact that you don't yet have any sort of closure on this situation, and can't move into a different future. You complex about past mistakes - maybe - because you're still stuck in their web.

Be patient with yourself, hon, and keep making those small steps in the right direction. If you're at all like me, you want this all to be sorted out NOW, if not yesterday LOL and it's just taking some time.

Do you work with a counselor? Do you keep a journal? Both of those things helped me to MEASURE the good progress I was making, so I had actual proof I wasn't stuck in one place.

I know this is hard, but I'm glad we can be there for you (((onlyliveonce)))

TakingCharge999

((onlyliveonce))

Cry all you need onlyliveonce, if it makes you feel any better I have also cried in my car and many other odd places... crying is very good for you, let it all out, you will release toxins and its guaranteed you will find a sense of peace afterwards...

Realizing your past mistakes and the part you played in events is crucial to live a better life, I cannot count the # of people that will never ever look at what they have done before, thus are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.

tsukiko

If you're living in England then the CSA has changed completely in the last ten years and even if you don't file for support, they now seperatly chase absentee fathers anyway. They also havem ore power now. They can send bailifts, employers are legally obliged to pass on information to them and if all else fails and they manage to find the father they can have hm hauled to court. If he cannot pay he could even be placed in prison, though everything is done to avoid such measures simply because of the overcrowding problems in our prisons.

Just something to know. If you do ring them then they'll discuss all the legalities with you anyhow. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

onlyliveonce

Anvil- I SOOOOOO...... needed that laugh!! Thank you to everyone who responded and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for me.

onlyliveonce

I've tried keeping a journal before but right now I have all the things I want to write down but can't get my thoughts and feelings clear enough to put on paper. I have all kinds of things that I think about but don't know how to express them. That's what I love about SR, their are some people on here who can express what they are feeling so perfectly it's like they are looking into my soul. I have learned sooooo.... much from reading posts from peoople who have been here for a long time and it is truly appreciated you guys will never know how much. And thanks for "kicking me in the butt" when I needed it. I even appreciate that!!

LaTeeDa

You're over-thinking it. It's not a term paper. No one is going to grade you on it. Just put the pen on the paper and let loose. Spill everything that's in your mind onto the paper and don't worry about how messy it gets. I took a creative writing class at the local community college and the first 15 minutes of every class we did this. The teacher would put a topic on the board (sometimes a few we could choose from), and we would spend 15 minutes writing whatever came to mind. No worries about grammar, punctuation, or even whether it made any sense. The goal was just to write, as quickly as possible, whatever came to mind. Try it. It's very cleansing.

L

isurvived

As for the support your child is entitled to.... YES, do go through with the forms. Most states - it is mandatory when you file for divorce... just automatic. You don't mention how old your son is, but child support is to carry them through until they are 18, and out of high school. Your son is entitled to it, and it is his father's responsibility! No matter if he is an A, or a druggie, no matter... the boy is due that, period.

IF nothing else, it's on record, and when you file for divorce, if the other parent hasn't paid child support it does count against them. So, joint custody might not be an option for the dad either. BTW... the IRS doesn't look kindly upon deadbeat parents either.

isurvived

As for the support your child is entitled to.... YES, do go through with the forms. Most states - it is mandatory when you file for divorce... just automatic. You don't mention how old your son is, but child support is to carry them through until they are 18, and out of high school. Your son is entitled to it, and it is his father's responsibility! No matter if he is an A, or a druggie, no matter... the boy is due that, period.

IF nothing else, it's on record, and when you file for divorce, if the other parent hasn't paid child support it does count against them. So, joint custody might not be an option for the dad either. BTW... the IRS doesn't look kindly upon deadbeat parents either.

TakingCharge999

Trying2survive is right, the child is entitled to this, regardless of your feelings or his addictions. It's the law.

GiveLove

OnlyLiveOnce, I wanted to share one of my journal entries with you, just so you can see how it sometimes looks for me:

5/16/08:
I am so sick of this. I am going right out of my ****ing mind. I thought I was past this years ago -- why am I still having to deal with this? It just seems like I should've learned this lesson a long time ago and instead I keep finding myself getting dragged into it again and again and again.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.

There now, wasn't that nice and coherent?
It isn't what you write, necessarily. It's the fact that you have yet another place to get it outside of you, get it out of your guts where it's burning you, and out into the light of day. And it's the way you can then compare it to how you feel on another day, see that there are good ones mixed in there at an increasing pace as you get healthier.

Give it a shot. I like to buy those half-sized cartoon spiral notebooks at Target

Big hugs

onlyliveonce

Our son is 14 yrs old and I do believe he should be held responsible for child support whether I actually get it or not. I believe a judge would probably be uncomfortable granting me a divorce with no child support lined up or in place. What do you guys think? I'm asking for a divorce by default and there is really no agreement between us about anything. Joint custody or any other kind of arrangement will not work except me having full legal and physical custody. That's the one thing I want and he isn't going to fight me on that one cause he knows it is pointless. I have kept records of things he's done or not done and it would not be a good idea for him to challenge me in court about this. I will accept nothing less than full custody. It is in the papers that son can see his father when father is sober and that father is aware of this stipulation so that's not something I have to worry too much about cause he's not sober much. AH just still tries to play the kid card with me trying to get to me. Should he get sober in future years he is more than welcome to his son but I will not subject son to him at all when he's drinking or drugging.

Still Waters

I suggest, if you can afford it, to get a counselor. I miss mine terribly, she helped me so very much - and I too deal with crushing guilt for what I've put my child through. All due to my stupid decisions.

isurvived

I'd suggest you get a good attorney... especially with a child to care for. Lots of issues to address - not only your son's safety, but guidelines for visitation will need to be set up. Perhaps you can get supervised visitation - which will help to avoid there being dangerous situations for your son (father being drunk and driving with him).

Child support and insurance costs, and other things need to be shared by both parents.

I've just completed a divorce which started out as a "default" and then it occurred to my AH that he was going to be without his solid supporter, breadwinner - ME. ... alcoholics are the most selfish people on this earth. Don't assume anything with them. When push comes to shove, they still are looking for someone else to "take care of them" - that goes for monitary things as well.

Better to be on the offense. Good luck!

onlyliveonce

He knows I am divorcing him and is not going to fight me on anything especially the custody. He can't even care for himself much less son. He lives in his van so the only time he sees him is if i agree to meet him for dinner or something like that. As far as the visitation goes there will be none unless he's sober and he knows I'm doing that to protect son. If he dosen't like it he can take me to court whick won't happen either. He hates to go around cops, courthouses or anything like that.

I've played around with son's life for too long now and there is no leeway as far as what I want which will ensure his safety from him. He has walked away from us before and will probably do the same again and that's ok cause that's what is best for me and son. We don't want an alcoholic and drug addict around us anymore not even for a minute.

For example - one time we did meet him to eat and I had already told him from the time before that if we got to the table and he was drinking we would leave. And this last time we met him that's just what we did when i saw the beer on the table. SEE YA you idiot is what I was thinking. He couldn't wait to have his beer so it cost him dinner with his son. I had already talked to son and told him this is what was gonna happen so he wasn't suprised or upset. Son dosen't even seems to care about dad anymore and it's just a sad situtation all around. I have signed son up with the Big Brother program cause he needs a good male role model. Hopefully he will be open to that experience.

Rainbowsend

File for support, you might not get anything now but it might make life easier in the future (in the UK the 1st to file for support gets the money even if its a younger child; I think this is right). Odd too, we can scream at them all we like but sometimes if an outsider "judges" them they suddenly get it, even if it's only in the short term, but don't hold your breath.

LaTeeDa

I have to say I am glad I didn't retain an attorney. It would have cost me $5000 up front and probably $12000 total.

So, I would say be prepared to hire an attorney if it comes to that, but don't put the cart before the horse.

My AH quacked a lot about how he was going to 'get his fair share' in the divorce, but didn't have the gumption to follow through with any of it. As it turned out, I had one consultation with an attorney and did the rest myself. Cost me under $1000.

L

Rainbowsend

LaTeeDa think this is fair comment, lots will threaten but if they're not earning or the choice is buying booze it's a pretty empty threat.