Lotus2009

Hi everyone,

I've been coming to this forum for a while, but haven't really written much so far.

I hear a lot of stories, where husbands or wives started becoming alcoholics a few years into their marriage. My situation is a little different. I got married a few months ago (after dating for several years). I realized that he had a drinking problem soon after we started dating. Throughout our relationship he'd told me several times that he wants to quit, which of course never happened. A few months before we got married he cut back on his drinking and quit smoking weed (mostly out of financial reasons). Once married he was still only drinking once or twice a week (which was a big step) and did not drink liquor. Now only 5 months into our marriage he is starting to binge again... he has started drinking liquor again and on his one or two days off will start drinking around noon until passed out, only to get up and drink some more (he is still not drinking daily, but has become verbally abusive on his binging days). I went to my first f2f AlAnon meeting today and realized how much shame I'm carrying around. I guess I am so ashamed because we are only 5 months into our marriage and we already have problems (We are newlyweds and should be happy and sooo in love, and feel like our love will conquer all). Furthermore I knew what I was getting into when I got married... I knew he was an alcoholic and I married him anyways. I feel guilty and ashamed that our marriage is already starting to fail, so I put up a happy front and tell everyone who asks that our marriage is going well.

Anyways, I'm rambling on...
I was just wondering if there are others out there who got married, even though they were aware of the fact that they were getting married to an alcoholic - and how did you feel?

Would welcome some feedback on this issue.

NYC_Chick

Hi Lotus and Welcome!

No, I didn't marry my xabf, but I know people who married their A anyway thinking it would get better. It hasn't, only worse.

You have nothing to be ashamed of at all. We all stayed until we could no longer live that way. It's your life and your choice to stay or to go. It's also a process. You'll leave when your ready if that's what you ultimately decide.

Hang in there and keep posting! It's really helps!

Barbara52

I married my now xAH knowing he was an alcoholic. Of course I didn't really allow myself to think of what that really meant, especially what it meant our life could (and did) become. And I felt shame that I had knowingly married an alcoholic so did my dangest to pretend it wasn't so, that our marriage was just great, that I was happy as could be.

The marriage was ok for the first 2 years. Yeah, he got drunk frequently, treated his daughters like crap, and was not at all the man I told myself he was or that he had convinced the rest of the world he was. But it was tolerable. (I look back know and see how sad it was that I stayed even then in a marriage that I can only describe as "tolerable.")

It took him being fired and proceeding to doing nothing but drink and sleep for another 2 yrs before I finally accepted the reality that our marriage was dead, should never have taken place and that I had to get out to save my sanity and rebuild my life. It ruined me financially and I will be working to clear up that mess for years to come. But such is life.

It took me so long to leave because of pride in part, denail in large part and a variety of issues I had that I was not aware of. I was too proud to admit to myself let alone anyone else that I had made a huge mistake getting married. I was in denial as to the depths of his alcoholism, its effects on me, my kids, his kids. I was in denial as to my enabling and the needs that sick dysfunctinal marriage was filling for me. I was unaware, denying or avoiding my own issues that had led me to that marriage and kept me in it.

When I finally had reached where enough was enough, I made my decisino to leave quickly and did so within 1 month or so. I thank God everyday that I finally reached that point. I wish I had reached it earlier in the marriage as it would have saved me a whole lot of financial and emotional costs but it is what it is.

Keep reading and posting. Give AlAnon a try. See a therapist. Do whatever you need to do to figure out why your married this fellow and why you stay. Dealing with your issues will help you figure out what you want for the rest of your life. I'm willing to bet it is not marriage to an alcoholic who will only get worse with time.

GrowingPains

I knew my axh tended to drink problematically sometimes, but didn't know enough about alcoholism to realize what I was getting myself into. We had also dated for years and his issues with alcohol came and went sporadically, although I remember him being fairly restrained during the 2 years prior to our marriage.

Our problems also began mere months into the marriage with a particularly hideous incident around the 6-month mark. It then fluctuated between normal and crappy for years until I realized I couldn't take it anymore.

You have my sympathy -- I was horribly embarrassed and ashamed as well for a long time. That was one of the factors that kept me there so long.

Piglet123

I'll leave the real advice to people who are in your situation, but I'd just like to strongly suggest that if it's relevant, that you take excellent care of your contraception. Often there is pressure on newly married couples to produce offspring ASAP, and reading between the lines, it would be a disaster to introduce a new baby to your current situation. All the best.

ICant

Don't kick yourself. I thought alcoholics were homeless winos, not people with jobs and houses. I knew my husband drank too much while we were dating. I even saw incidents where he destroyed property and man handled the dog. I minimised the extent of the problem using the fact that he was drunk to excuse the behaviour. He##, even after he man handled me when pregnant, I used the fact he was drunk to excuse the behaviour. I was in such denial. After a couple of more incidents, I finally admitted to myself he was an alcoholic. I saw a counsellor, stopped enabling and my AH cut right back on the drinking. Even then, I didn't understand what it meant to be an alcoholic because I thought my actions had cured him. I believe it now that an alcoholic is never cured. I have seen first hand the disease progresses if they don't abstain completely. In three years, his drinking, mind and body had gotten out of control again. Finally I got myself to Al-Anon and things are becoming so clear to me.

silkspin

I think denial plays a big part, as well as expectations. For me, I'd been with AH quite a while before we married, and although he drank, so did I. The fact that his drinking was usually excessive than everyone else's started to weigh on me, but I didn't want to admit there was a problem because that meant giving up what I wanted - him, a relationship. I'd invested so much. And truth be told, I see now that I was affected by the feelings of wasting 6 years of my life in a past relationship; I wasn't ready to do the same with this one. It was these strong feelings that kept me trying to make it work.

I always looked at his potential, and also tried to help him realize it (of course to no avail) but I still tried. I thought, if he would only be able to get past his self confidence issues, or do this, or do that, the drinking would curb. My situation was never abusive or horrific, but it wore on me. He was a weekend partier, and when I stopped and he didn't, it really started to create a rift.

Our wedding was beautiful, and fun. He held it together most of the night but was drunk at the end. When I tried to get him to come into the jacuzzi with me in our hotel room after, he didn't want to and started an argument, and eventually stormed out. My sister had also had a fight with her husband, so my AH found him and they stayed up for a while outside. I spent half the night alone, and the other half with a passed out spouse. And then through the next day wedding brunch, and gifts, and well-wishes and visiting family I had to put a good face on. How could I admit what happened the day after? In al anon now I'm trying to understand my part in all of it as well as his perspective, but this still plagues me.

I'm also trying not to kick myself. We also went on to have a daughter, and she is the joy of my life. She wouldn't be here if things didn't happen exactly as they did. He is sober now and we're trying to work on things, but I still get the worries of me wasting my time. Please don't be too hard on yourself. We all want what we want, and we're willing to go any length (in denial etc) to get that. My al anon process is helping me see that I did it in the most unhealthy way, and now I'm trying to turn that around.