I want to find my true self, don't know how to
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi onlyliveonce--
I also used to think "why didn't I choose a better father for my children? How could I have been such a moron???!!"
But then I wouldn't have these sons, and I love these sons and obviously they exist and are the sons I have and, if I want to get philisophical, the sons I was meant to have.
I had to come to peaceful terms with my anger and, yes for a while, hatred (how do you spell deathwish???!) of my exH the father of my boys (inner peace treaty - but damn - it was hard to negotiate with myself!!!). It wasn't a quick process but I knew I had to do it for the mental health of my sons and for my own mental health.
I had to find the good in him especially as it was reflected in my boys. If I was just talkin sh*t about Dad I knew I was going to create all kinds of ugly ambivalence and self-doubt and self-loathing in my kids and then I was just as bad & damaging as their irresponsible father!
Therapy was indispensable in this process. It was really good for me to stop blaming everything on him and to stretch my mind and my compassion to find ways of saying actual true positive things about him to and around the boys. And to stop hating him. And forgive myself.
*sigh*
I learned A LOT about myself by accomplishing this task!
Glad you're here and like Anvil said -- it's a big dig that you do with a spoon - try to be patient w/ yourself because the treasures you will find in that buried city are priceless!!!
peace,
b
I also used to think "why didn't I choose a better father for my children? How could I have been such a moron???!!"
But then I wouldn't have these sons, and I love these sons and obviously they exist and are the sons I have and, if I want to get philisophical, the sons I was meant to have.
I had to come to peaceful terms with my anger and, yes for a while, hatred (how do you spell deathwish???!) of my exH the father of my boys (inner peace treaty - but damn - it was hard to negotiate with myself!!!). It wasn't a quick process but I knew I had to do it for the mental health of my sons and for my own mental health.
I had to find the good in him especially as it was reflected in my boys. If I was just talkin sh*t about Dad I knew I was going to create all kinds of ugly ambivalence and self-doubt and self-loathing in my kids and then I was just as bad & damaging as their irresponsible father!
Therapy was indispensable in this process. It was really good for me to stop blaming everything on him and to stretch my mind and my compassion to find ways of saying actual true positive things about him to and around the boys. And to stop hating him. And forgive myself.
*sigh*
I learned A LOT about myself by accomplishing this task!
Glad you're here and like Anvil said -- it's a big dig that you do with a spoon - try to be patient w/ yourself because the treasures you will find in that buried city are priceless!!!
peace,
b
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