sunshine787

Hi everyone, I'm new to this website and need help in dealing with my boyfriend..

My boyfriend and I have been dating now for about 4 years, we've lived together a couple of times but i moved back home because i was starting college. Anyways, we've decided to move back out together and now that i live with him i noticed he drinks a lot, and he's been drinking a lot of a couple of years now, but i guess im in denial about it...he hangs out with the wrong group of people and all he does is drink and spend money, and if i call him to ask him when he will be home and whats going on, i usually get yelled at for being to protective and "its my life" and such...he's blown off doing something with my family because he's been drinking the night before and wants to sleep. He has a family history of alchol abuse and i feel that hes just following down the same path, he drinks pretty much every weekend, but when hes not drinking hes nice to me and we get along perfectly...hes had two DUI's in the past (two days apart..while i was away on a family trip) and i'm confused, lost, and not too sure on what to do... any advice would be greatly appreciated...thank you!

brundle

My advice is to read the "Sticky" treads at the top of the forum and whatever you can about alcoholism. Also do a search on this board for a post on "red flags".

As a mom to a girl about your age and I'm married to a guy who sounds like he could be related to your boyfriend if you really want advice. Read all the posts on here. Really hear what we are saying and run. So much of what your saying is already what we would call "red flags". Like "he's nice when he's not drinking" the "two DUIs" umm "his family has alcohol issues" and you sometimes feel "crazy". All things we here go through. I'm sure you get other posts from people farther along in recover who can explain all this in greater detail better then I can.

But let me say this. Alcohol is alway progressive and you guys are young. This could just be the beginning for you of a long downward spiral. Also if you keep reading the posts, the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. I'm not sure why that is, but many of us here end up "trapped" unable to leave even though we could. I'm sure it has something to do with that "crazy" making they do.

You don't have to take my word for it; just keep reading. Just from what you've written so far I think lots of things on this site will really help. At least they did me and I came here feeling a lot like you...

tallulah

I can only echo what has been said. 'For also Knowledge itself is power. Read some of the information on this site and (if you are able and you wish to) perhaps go along to an Al-Anon meeting.

Most importantly... look after and be gentle with yourself. x

Freedom1990

First of all, welcome to SR! I agree with the others and educate yourself as much as you can about alcoholism.

Remember the 3 C's-you didn't cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Dr. Phil says the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

You already see a clear pattern with him.

Is this what you want in a partner?

I would also recommend finding some Alanon meetings in your area as they will help you focus on you, instead of him, and perhaps clear up some of the confusion you are feeling. :ghug

timetogo

Your BF sounds like a clone to my AH, 20 years ago. If I had, 27 years ago, the opportunity to see the red flags, recognize them and RUN --- I would have done it in a heartbeat! I wouldn't be trying to detach and remove myself from a 27 year relationship when I'm 43 years old. Even at this age, I know that out there, some where, there is someone who is healthy and looking for me as well. I know I won't "die" if I leave but I very well might if I stay.

By the sound of your post, he doesn't think he has a problem am I right? For me, when my husband admitted he had a problem and appeared to be trying to get help for it, I had hope. But when that dissintegrated (he doesn't have a problem, don't you know), I had none left.

My husband is (was) a great guy. He was a great father. But after his fourth dui, I knew that this was bigger than me.

I think that what everyone has said so far has been great information -- I have received such great support here in the short time I have been coming here. Keep coming and read all that you can. Try to focus on you and your life. Are your needs being met? Do you think they ever will be?

You're young with your whole life ahead of you. Don't wait until you only have half of it left.