AH is driving me crazy!!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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AH is driving me crazy!!
My AH has not drank for 11 days. He does not drink everyday. He is a binge drinker (with some occasional pot, I would guess). Anyway, he is so volatile that I can hardly stand it. He argues with me, the kids, the dog, you name it! It's like he is not happy unless he is engaging in some sort of disagreement. I told him to go outside and argue with himself.
I am very busy with my business right now (tax season) and even though AH is laid off from work right now, I lined up some daycare for the little ones for a couple days this week. AH cancelled the daycare claiming he can care for his own children. Well, he watched them 2 days and was on the verge of a breakdown last night because it is just too much for him. And of course, everything is my fault again. I tried explaining to him that this was his choice, he was the one to cancel daycare. Whatever I say, it doesn't matter. I am f'ed up. Anyway, to make a long story short, AH left me at home with 4 kids and HE left because HE was stressed! There I was, trying to do tax returns with no one to watch the kids, AGAIN!
The good news is he did not drink. He was sober when he got home, late last night. But, he is very angry with me. He is very concerned I am going through the divorce and not letting him know about it. I have not even mentioned divorce in the last couple of weeks, just too tired to argue about it. I did see a lawyer this week though which was very reassuring. I have not made any decisions, am just processing information right now.
So, today, AH is demanding I either commit to trying to make our marriage work OR file for divorce. It is one or the other. I say I cannot commit to either of those choices at this time, I need to think. He does not understand how I cannot know the answer. He says he will quit drinking. I say, "If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that one..."
AH says I am treating him like he is an axe murderer. I am not fair. I am mean. I am cold. I am miserable. I am depressed. I am a bitch. I am heartless. I am reacting to this by shutting down, not to anger him or get under his skin, but because I simply CANNOT argue about this anymore. I don't want to talk to him about it. He says ignoring the problem will not make it go away and I understand that. But, I don't feel like I am ignoring the problem just because I refuse to engage in arguments with him. I am processing things in my head and don't feel like I am required to share those thoughts with my AH. Has anyone else felt this way?? Is this normal??
How do I address his offer to quit drinking? This came out of nowhere and is not the result of me demanding he do so. I have requested this of him in the past but at this point I feel so defeated that I have not even mentioned it. I have decided to work on myself and quit worrying about him so much. I am glad to hear him say he will quit, but certainly not getting my hopes up. He acts like I should jump up and down and jump into his arms because everything is going to be ok. I feel angry and defeated..Anyone else out there experience these feelings of just not wanting to share at all with your alcoholic spouse? These are all new to me, maybe a result of a new phase I am going through...
Some feedback please....I am having another rough day.
I am very busy with my business right now (tax season) and even though AH is laid off from work right now, I lined up some daycare for the little ones for a couple days this week. AH cancelled the daycare claiming he can care for his own children. Well, he watched them 2 days and was on the verge of a breakdown last night because it is just too much for him. And of course, everything is my fault again. I tried explaining to him that this was his choice, he was the one to cancel daycare. Whatever I say, it doesn't matter. I am f'ed up. Anyway, to make a long story short, AH left me at home with 4 kids and HE left because HE was stressed! There I was, trying to do tax returns with no one to watch the kids, AGAIN!
The good news is he did not drink. He was sober when he got home, late last night. But, he is very angry with me. He is very concerned I am going through the divorce and not letting him know about it. I have not even mentioned divorce in the last couple of weeks, just too tired to argue about it. I did see a lawyer this week though which was very reassuring. I have not made any decisions, am just processing information right now.
So, today, AH is demanding I either commit to trying to make our marriage work OR file for divorce. It is one or the other. I say I cannot commit to either of those choices at this time, I need to think. He does not understand how I cannot know the answer. He says he will quit drinking. I say, "If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that one..."
AH says I am treating him like he is an axe murderer. I am not fair. I am mean. I am cold. I am miserable. I am depressed. I am a bitch. I am heartless. I am reacting to this by shutting down, not to anger him or get under his skin, but because I simply CANNOT argue about this anymore. I don't want to talk to him about it. He says ignoring the problem will not make it go away and I understand that. But, I don't feel like I am ignoring the problem just because I refuse to engage in arguments with him. I am processing things in my head and don't feel like I am required to share those thoughts with my AH. Has anyone else felt this way?? Is this normal??
How do I address his offer to quit drinking? This came out of nowhere and is not the result of me demanding he do so. I have requested this of him in the past but at this point I feel so defeated that I have not even mentioned it. I have decided to work on myself and quit worrying about him so much. I am glad to hear him say he will quit, but certainly not getting my hopes up. He acts like I should jump up and down and jump into his arms because everything is going to be ok. I feel angry and defeated..Anyone else out there experience these feelings of just not wanting to share at all with your alcoholic spouse? These are all new to me, maybe a result of a new phase I am going through...
Some feedback please....I am having another rough day.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
ENTIRELY "normal" dynamics for an alkie/codie when the codie starts to change.
If you read around here, you will see the pattern, that when the partner of the alkie starts to disengage and detach, it's almost a script what the alkie does - huge mood swings from tender lovingness to verbal abuse, all in result of them feeling the "change" and it making them nervous. The fumes of the consequences of their choices are finally getting sniffed, and it makes them very nervous, so they strike out.
The verbal part of this is called "quacking," because it's about as meaningful as a duck quacking. Lots of words, some even really loud and powerful, but in the end not backed up by any real action or change on their part, except disintegrating behaviors as they spiral down. It's a rough ride, but read around people's stories here, and you will see it's exactly the pattern.
Hugs to you! Hang in there!
CLMI
If you read around here, you will see the pattern, that when the partner of the alkie starts to disengage and detach, it's almost a script what the alkie does - huge mood swings from tender lovingness to verbal abuse, all in result of them feeling the "change" and it making them nervous. The fumes of the consequences of their choices are finally getting sniffed, and it makes them very nervous, so they strike out.
The verbal part of this is called "quacking," because it's about as meaningful as a duck quacking. Lots of words, some even really loud and powerful, but in the end not backed up by any real action or change on their part, except disintegrating behaviors as they spiral down. It's a rough ride, but read around people's stories here, and you will see it's exactly the pattern.
Hugs to you! Hang in there!
CLMI
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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If I was in a power struggle situation with one of my A bros and they used the line "I will quit drinking" as an attempt to sway my thinking I would just say- "I think that would do you a world of good - but it's your life, that's a decision that's entirely up to you. That has nothing to do with my feeling...x y or z, or with how I will decide what is best for ME in this situation."
Separate the issues from the alcohol.
It seems to me the PROBLEMS you're having are a husband who can't take care of his own children without making everyone suffer.
A husband who devalues your work by thinking you can still work while he cancels daycare but then abandons his post with the children and just leaves you holding the ball.
A husband who is bullying you and calling you names.
I didn't list drinking or alcohol because that is not a problem YOU are having.
His behavior will tell you everything you need to know. Nothing he says, NOTHING, matters unless you see it being backed up by REAL action.
peace,
b
Separate the issues from the alcohol.
It seems to me the PROBLEMS you're having are a husband who can't take care of his own children without making everyone suffer.
A husband who devalues your work by thinking you can still work while he cancels daycare but then abandons his post with the children and just leaves you holding the ball.
A husband who is bullying you and calling you names.
I didn't list drinking or alcohol because that is not a problem YOU are having.
His behavior will tell you everything you need to know. Nothing he says, NOTHING, matters unless you see it being backed up by REAL action.
peace,
b
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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My reaction to your post is that he is throwing everything at you but the kitchen sink. Talk about quacking!
He wants you to make up your mind about the divorce.
Then he says you don't want to work on your marriage and that you're shutting down.
He insists he can take care of the kids.
Then after two days of that ,he goes AWOL leaving you to go it alone.
Then he says he's going to quit drinking and is expecting you to faint with releif.
You certainly have made an impression with your current behavior. You mention divorce to him previously, and now you won't discuss it with him so you can think on it.
Of course, that means to him that you're already filing and keeping it from him.
You hire daycare so you can work, but to him that means he's a horrible parent, and you're practicing for when you'll be a single mother.
He tells you that that he's going to quit drinking and you just let that statement lie out there. He must be thinking you don't believe him and then that confirms again that you're probably going to file for divorce.
When all this fails he opens a full on offensive firing rapidly in your direction hoping to hit something saying your cold, your mean, yadda yadda yadda.
I can understand why you feel angry and defeated. That's how we all feel after the quacking subsides and a codie is left alone in a room. I think instead you should think about how he is the one who is angry and defeated and that is why he's aiming his guns at you.
Take a deep breath, put those feelings aside because they are better left as his and not yours, and move on with your day. You have a lot to do, and there's plenty of time after April 15 to do your heavy thinking, right?
Peace.
Alice
He wants you to make up your mind about the divorce.
Then he says you don't want to work on your marriage and that you're shutting down.
He insists he can take care of the kids.
Then after two days of that ,he goes AWOL leaving you to go it alone.
Then he says he's going to quit drinking and is expecting you to faint with releif.
You certainly have made an impression with your current behavior. You mention divorce to him previously, and now you won't discuss it with him so you can think on it.
Of course, that means to him that you're already filing and keeping it from him.
You hire daycare so you can work, but to him that means he's a horrible parent, and you're practicing for when you'll be a single mother.
He tells you that that he's going to quit drinking and you just let that statement lie out there. He must be thinking you don't believe him and then that confirms again that you're probably going to file for divorce.
When all this fails he opens a full on offensive firing rapidly in your direction hoping to hit something saying your cold, your mean, yadda yadda yadda.
I can understand why you feel angry and defeated. That's how we all feel after the quacking subsides and a codie is left alone in a room. I think instead you should think about how he is the one who is angry and defeated and that is why he's aiming his guns at you.
Take a deep breath, put those feelings aside because they are better left as his and not yours, and move on with your day. You have a lot to do, and there's plenty of time after April 15 to do your heavy thinking, right?
Peace.
Alice
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
is this what you signed up for??? is THIS the kinda partner you want in your life? are ya getting anything GOOD out of all this? do you think you can keep doing this for another 10-20-40 years? is there anything TO work on? and do you even want to try?
As far as his offer to quit drinking, I think it is great but I have heard it so many times that it really means nothing to me. He called me a narcissist today because I told him I was looking into therapy for me, nothing to do with him, just for me.
Sorry for these long posts. I am just having a really hard day and I really appreciate the supportive responses that I get from you guys. Everyone here understands so much more than my friends/family who do not have experience with an alcoholic. Thank you all!
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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Am I wrong to not want to discuss this with him?
No I think you're being strong and protecting your own mental health and ability to sort out things in your mind first.
After all of these years of me holding everything together while he lives his own separate, drinking life of running around doing as he chooses and coming and going as he chooses, how can he call me unsupportive?
That name calling is quacking - big time.
peace,
b
No I think you're being strong and protecting your own mental health and ability to sort out things in your mind first.
After all of these years of me holding everything together while he lives his own separate, drinking life of running around doing as he chooses and coming and going as he chooses, how can he call me unsupportive?
That name calling is quacking - big time.
peace,
b
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Am I wrong to not want to discuss this with him?
The deal breaker for me was when I got a call at work that my oldest daughter had been in a car accident, and I rushed to the ER. I called home from there to let him know I would be late and would he mind feeding my youngest daughter (I worked out of town). He called my youngest (then 9) a spoiled b*tch in the course of the conversation, and that was it.
I kicked him to the curb that night. I have never regretted it either.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
These are all standard, nearly scripted, emotional blackmail responses alkies use when they sense they are losing their comfy codie.
1. I can only get better with your help (how many years of your help have ALREADY gone by, and they didn't?)
2. If only you would/wouldn't XXX, then I'd be able to (see response to #1)
3. You can't abandon me now! (See #1, again)
4. QUACK, QUACK, QUACK (back to #1, ad infinitum)
It only changes when the pattern changes, and it's really rough going when change is in the air.
They will emotionally blackmail and manipulate as if their lives depend upon it, because they believe it to be so. In reality, they are at the beginning of having to face THEIR OWN consequences, which have been softened for years by the codie influence. It's panic time for them, and they come out with both guns blazing, changing tactics faster than you can spin. ANYTHING to get you off balance, and remove your focus on yourself, and to get the focus back on them.
It feels really personal, but really it's not. EVERY ADDICT does this, when faced with removal of their codie/enabler/soft cushy landing pad. Read around.
Hang in there!
CLMI
1. I can only get better with your help (how many years of your help have ALREADY gone by, and they didn't?)
2. If only you would/wouldn't XXX, then I'd be able to (see response to #1)
3. You can't abandon me now! (See #1, again)
4. QUACK, QUACK, QUACK (back to #1, ad infinitum)
It only changes when the pattern changes, and it's really rough going when change is in the air.
They will emotionally blackmail and manipulate as if their lives depend upon it, because they believe it to be so. In reality, they are at the beginning of having to face THEIR OWN consequences, which have been softened for years by the codie influence. It's panic time for them, and they come out with both guns blazing, changing tactics faster than you can spin. ANYTHING to get you off balance, and remove your focus on yourself, and to get the focus back on them.
It feels really personal, but really it's not. EVERY ADDICT does this, when faced with removal of their codie/enabler/soft cushy landing pad. Read around.
Hang in there!
CLMI
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Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
He called me a narcissist today because I told him I was looking into therapy for me, nothing to do with him, just for me.
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Well, he learned the term "narcissist" from me and he has a tendency to throw terms I have used back at me. He thinks that because I am taking care of myself right now and trying to figure out what is best for me (and the kids, of course) and not concerning myself with his every move, that makes me a narcissist. He really doesn't know what it means, just figures it must be something bad if I have used the term when describing him.
As far as the divorce talk, I haven't been talking about it at all, just lots of thinking about it. I have not discussed it with him because I felt there would be one of two outcomes. A-he would throw a temper tantrum and tell me how terrible I am to give up on him. B-he would give me empty promises to quit drinking and make everything better. Well, he must be some kind of mind reader or else he somehow figured out I saw a lawyer this week because I surely didn't tell him. After constant nagging from him about what is going on, I finally told him I simply went to see a lawyer to educate myself if I should decide to file for divorce. I also told him I am not at that point yet, just not sure what I am going to do. That led to the above-mentioned scenario.
I am just so confused right now. Just when I think I am getting my head on straight I have a sh###y day like today and now I feel totally derailed.
As far as the divorce talk, I haven't been talking about it at all, just lots of thinking about it. I have not discussed it with him because I felt there would be one of two outcomes. A-he would throw a temper tantrum and tell me how terrible I am to give up on him. B-he would give me empty promises to quit drinking and make everything better. Well, he must be some kind of mind reader or else he somehow figured out I saw a lawyer this week because I surely didn't tell him. After constant nagging from him about what is going on, I finally told him I simply went to see a lawyer to educate myself if I should decide to file for divorce. I also told him I am not at that point yet, just not sure what I am going to do. That led to the above-mentioned scenario.
I am just so confused right now. Just when I think I am getting my head on straight I have a sh###y day like today and now I feel totally derailed.
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I am just so confused right now. Just when I think I am getting my head on straight I have a sh###y day like today and now I feel totally derailed.
Easy does it SS! I have come to believe that this is part of the process (how could it not be -- this is a long term relationship with someone you care/cared about). These are big decisions. When I first decided enough was enough, I wanted to get everything "cleaned up" within 2 weeks so I could move on to my serene and peaceful life! I have come to realize that this, too, will be a rollercoaster ride and probably a long one. I'm used to rollercoasters and am ready for the "last ride". I also decided I don't have to decide everything all at once and I don't even have to make any decisions every day.
There are going to be good and bad days, ups and downs. That's part of life but especially part of this life. From what I have read from these forums, it will get better. It will get easier. We are not alone.
Hang in there and keep your focus on you.
Easy does it SS! I have come to believe that this is part of the process (how could it not be -- this is a long term relationship with someone you care/cared about). These are big decisions. When I first decided enough was enough, I wanted to get everything "cleaned up" within 2 weeks so I could move on to my serene and peaceful life! I have come to realize that this, too, will be a rollercoaster ride and probably a long one. I'm used to rollercoasters and am ready for the "last ride". I also decided I don't have to decide everything all at once and I don't even have to make any decisions every day.
There are going to be good and bad days, ups and downs. That's part of life but especially part of this life. From what I have read from these forums, it will get better. It will get easier. We are not alone.
Hang in there and keep your focus on you.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
I dealt with the same kind of behavior from my exah. I was married to him for 16 years and what learned is that A's have sort of a "plan" for how they want things to be. His "plan" was to create an environment where I was either directly or felt responsible for everything so he could "retire" (get himself, fired, laid off or just lose his job) and do it in a way that made it appear that I approved.
The problem was that I am not a dummy (unlike his, my brain is not pickled) and I was on to him and I had my own plan, one that did not include spending the rest of my life as his indentured servant.
When he figured out that working for an entire year straight and going to a few substance abuse counseling sessions was not going to be enough to keep his "dream" alive and that me (and my paycheck) were going to be out of his life things got ugly real fast.
Addiction requires an incredible amount of resources and effort to keep going. Life is much more difficult for them with no enablers (even if you are detached and it's just a place to sleep in and someone to yell at).
When you detach and do not give them the constant attention their ism demands they try to up the ante.
The problem was that I am not a dummy (unlike his, my brain is not pickled) and I was on to him and I had my own plan, one that did not include spending the rest of my life as his indentured servant.
When he figured out that working for an entire year straight and going to a few substance abuse counseling sessions was not going to be enough to keep his "dream" alive and that me (and my paycheck) were going to be out of his life things got ugly real fast.
Addiction requires an incredible amount of resources and effort to keep going. Life is much more difficult for them with no enablers (even if you are detached and it's just a place to sleep in and someone to yell at).
When you detach and do not give them the constant attention their ism demands they try to up the ante.
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Well, AH has returned home. When he left he was in a rage, fuming because I would not give a yes or no answer regarding a divorce. He is back, sober, and in a completely different mood. He is being polite, helpful and courteous. It is as though the drama that encompassed my entire morning never occurred. I am thankful for the change in attitude, but it is scary how he can turn it off and on like that. Sometimes I think he is Bipolar. Anyway, all is calm at least for now. Thank you to everyone for your kind words and encouragement. This really is a rough road and I am trying hard to look out for myself and quit focusing so much on AH. Today was definitely a step backwards but tomorrow is a new day.
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Join Date: May 2008
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Every time I read your posts I'm so amazed at how similar our situations are. I also "shut down", and got accused of either having an affair or being brainwashed by someone. He wants to know why it is so hard for me to let go of all of the past hurt when he can completely let it go (even though he was the perpetrator of the hurt).
My AH is completely a Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde. Just this morning he wanted to know why I wore a certain pair of underwear last weekend while he was out of town......I though OMG, now I've got someone taking inventory of my undergarments! I think we are on the right track by taking care of ourselves. At this point that's about all we can do.
My AH is completely a Dr. Jekkyl/Mr. Hyde. Just this morning he wanted to know why I wore a certain pair of underwear last weekend while he was out of town......I though OMG, now I've got someone taking inventory of my undergarments! I think we are on the right track by taking care of ourselves. At this point that's about all we can do.
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Originally Posted by blessed4x
I think we are on the right track by taking care of ourselves. At this point that's about all we can do.
L
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Originally Posted by catlovermi
They will emotionally blackmail and manipulate as if their lives depend upon it, because they believe it to be so. In reality, they are at the beginning of having to face THEIR OWN consequences, which have been softened for years by the codie influence. It's panic time for them, and they come out with both guns blazing, changing tactics faster than you can spin. ANYTHING to get you off balance, and remove your focus on yourself, and to get the focus back on them.
CLMI
CLMI
So true! Thanks for posting this, I have printed this and keep it close by for everytime he calls and changes his tactics.
Courtney
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Thanks everyone.
I am working hard on focusing on myself and the kiddos today. I told AH he will have to watch the kids for 3 hours so I can do a little work and then I will relieve him. The kids and I are going out to eat and catch a movie for Valentines Day.
So far today, he is calm and polite. Has not started any arguments for which I am very thankful for. Yesterday morning, he followed me around the house for 3 hours trying to argue with me. He then left and did some errands and visited a friend. He was sober when he came home, though. So, last night, I am getting ready to go to bed and once again, he needs help typing his schoolwork. He says he doesn't have time to get it all done by the deadline. I ask him why I should help. Maybe he should have been doing his schoolwork earlier today instead of harassing me and visiting friends. He agreed and left it alone. So, you know what I did? Went to bed. I laid there for 2 minutes and then got up and typed for him. What is wrong with me??? Yesterday was just a bad day all around for me. Hoping to be stronger today..
I am working hard on focusing on myself and the kiddos today. I told AH he will have to watch the kids for 3 hours so I can do a little work and then I will relieve him. The kids and I are going out to eat and catch a movie for Valentines Day.
So far today, he is calm and polite. Has not started any arguments for which I am very thankful for. Yesterday morning, he followed me around the house for 3 hours trying to argue with me. He then left and did some errands and visited a friend. He was sober when he came home, though. So, last night, I am getting ready to go to bed and once again, he needs help typing his schoolwork. He says he doesn't have time to get it all done by the deadline. I ask him why I should help. Maybe he should have been doing his schoolwork earlier today instead of harassing me and visiting friends. He agreed and left it alone. So, you know what I did? Went to bed. I laid there for 2 minutes and then got up and typed for him. What is wrong with me??? Yesterday was just a bad day all around for me. Hoping to be stronger today..
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Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
I laid there for 2 minutes and then got up and typed for him. What is wrong with me???
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