Does My Husband Have A Problem?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
Does My Husband Have A Problem?
Hi Everyone-
I'm so glad that I found this forum! Any advice you can give would be really appreciated.
I feel like my husband might have a drinking problem but sometimes I feel like could be overracting. I have started to keep a journal to record have often he drinks or gets drunk because he claims its only "1 or 2 nights a week" but its usually more.
My husband doesn't seem to "have" to drink. I think he likes to drink and just choosing not to even though it really, really bothers me. He doesn't wake up and drink. He doesnt drink every day but when he does drink he almost always gets drunk (not ALWAYS but I would say more often than not)
We work opposite hours so a lot of times when he comes home from work (2-3am) he will drink alone. Other times its during the week with friends or after work with co-workers. It bothers me a lot which I have expressed to him many, many times. I guess it bothers me not that he is drinking but its so excessive. For instance, if he had some friends over to watch the game during the weeks you would normally think that people would watch the game until 11-12 and then leave. Well, my husband will stay up most of the time until 4-5am drinking.
Here is the most recent list of his drinking that I have been keeping track of. I didnt include conversations the next day which normally include fighting or him apologizing for his behavior:
12/17: Drank Alone. Drank an entire bottle of wine by hisself at around 3-5am. And put his cigarettes out in our nice new wine glasses.
12/18: Did not drink
12/19: Went out after work (he works 4 nights a week from about 6pm-3am) and came hoome at 5am drunk.
12/20: Went out after work and called me at 5:30am to tell me his was at a friends and was too drunk to drive.
12/21: Did not drink
12/22: Had friends over for a football party got drunk and came to bed at 4:30 and woke me up (I had to work in the morning). I asked him 5 times to leave the room because he was snoring and I couldnt sleep. He stared yelling at me and telling me I was a bitch. He grabbed my arm and told me he hated me and hoped I died in my sleep. I had to go to the other room and sleep on the floor (but obviously couldnt)
12/23: Did not drink
12/24: Drank alone. Got drunk, took Ambien and smoked cigarettes in our house.
12/25: Did not drink.
12/26: Did not drink
12/27: Drank alone. Had two HUGE glasses of rum and coke (I am pretty sure he was drunk).
12/28: Did not drink
12/29: Did not drink
12/30: Got very drunk and was up until 5am.
I'm so glad that I found this forum! Any advice you can give would be really appreciated.
I feel like my husband might have a drinking problem but sometimes I feel like could be overracting. I have started to keep a journal to record have often he drinks or gets drunk because he claims its only "1 or 2 nights a week" but its usually more.
My husband doesn't seem to "have" to drink. I think he likes to drink and just choosing not to even though it really, really bothers me. He doesn't wake up and drink. He doesnt drink every day but when he does drink he almost always gets drunk (not ALWAYS but I would say more often than not)
We work opposite hours so a lot of times when he comes home from work (2-3am) he will drink alone. Other times its during the week with friends or after work with co-workers. It bothers me a lot which I have expressed to him many, many times. I guess it bothers me not that he is drinking but its so excessive. For instance, if he had some friends over to watch the game during the weeks you would normally think that people would watch the game until 11-12 and then leave. Well, my husband will stay up most of the time until 4-5am drinking.
Here is the most recent list of his drinking that I have been keeping track of. I didnt include conversations the next day which normally include fighting or him apologizing for his behavior:
12/17: Drank Alone. Drank an entire bottle of wine by hisself at around 3-5am. And put his cigarettes out in our nice new wine glasses.
12/18: Did not drink
12/19: Went out after work (he works 4 nights a week from about 6pm-3am) and came hoome at 5am drunk.
12/20: Went out after work and called me at 5:30am to tell me his was at a friends and was too drunk to drive.
12/21: Did not drink
12/22: Had friends over for a football party got drunk and came to bed at 4:30 and woke me up (I had to work in the morning). I asked him 5 times to leave the room because he was snoring and I couldnt sleep. He stared yelling at me and telling me I was a bitch. He grabbed my arm and told me he hated me and hoped I died in my sleep. I had to go to the other room and sleep on the floor (but obviously couldnt)
12/23: Did not drink
12/24: Drank alone. Got drunk, took Ambien and smoked cigarettes in our house.
12/25: Did not drink.
12/26: Did not drink
12/27: Drank alone. Had two HUGE glasses of rum and coke (I am pretty sure he was drunk).
12/28: Did not drink
12/29: Did not drink
12/30: Got very drunk and was up until 5am.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
just choosing not to even though it really, really bothers me.
I would love to say there's some kind of chart or calculator we could plug people into, and it would spit out a little slip that said "Problem Drinker" or "No Problem." But it just doesn't work that way, I'm afraid. The ONLY important thing is what I've copied above.
If his drinking is a problem for YOU, if it's making your life unhappy, then you have a right to do something about it -- that's the whole formula there. Also, you're suffering verbal and physical abuse at his hands, and that also is something you don't have to accept. Ever.
So many folks try to justify their position by tracking or labeling someone 'alcoholic' or getting others to agree with them or a dozen other things..........but really, you have the right to live a happy life in your home, and you have as much right to set boundaries around drinking as you would if he were raising livestock in your dining room. If you are unhappy, you need no justification but that.
I hope you two can find common ground on this - working out differences to win-win is what marriage is all about - but if he won't even admit that your feelings matter, I think he's got a ways to go yet.
Good luck with this and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
He *might* have a problem with drinking
However, if I kept charts of my GF's drinking I'd know I had a problem.
whether it was a "problem with "his" drinking" or a "focus" problem, as in it's time I needed to learn how to focus on myself, there is definitely a problem.
Is his drinking something you are comfortable with?
I guess I'm getting around to his drinking might be a problem with you, and that's OK, but it helps to know what "the problem" is.
"I have a problem with his drinking"
try that on.
Welcome
There are stickies at the top that are good reading, the stories here may help you identify
However, if I kept charts of my GF's drinking I'd know I had a problem.
whether it was a "problem with "his" drinking" or a "focus" problem, as in it's time I needed to learn how to focus on myself, there is definitely a problem.
Is his drinking something you are comfortable with?
I guess I'm getting around to his drinking might be a problem with you, and that's OK, but it helps to know what "the problem" is.
"I have a problem with his drinking"
try that on.
Welcome
There are stickies at the top that are good reading, the stories here may help you identify
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 5
I've been there. I've counted the drinks, tracked it, been apologized to the next morning. What happened to you on 12/22 is similar of what happened to me. I finally said I couldn't live like this anymore and broke it off. And now, he is getting help. I did nothing but let him hit bottom. He is picking up the pieces, on his own. Try an Al-Anon meeting, don't be scared, they will take all the newbies to a separate room, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. It helped.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Whether or not your husband is alcohol dependent or an alcoholic, obviously alcohol is a problem in your relaitonship. Therefore it is a problem.
Stick around, keep reading and posting, educate yourself about alcoholism and its effects on you. Life can get better.
Stick around, keep reading and posting, educate yourself about alcoholism and its effects on you. Life can get better.
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